Advocating for the right of consenting adults to share and enjoy love, sex, residence, and marriage without limits on the gender, number, or relation of participants. Full marriage equality is a basic human right.
Polyamorous people are diverse. We come from different socioeconomic backgrounds, have different affiliations when it comes to everything from religion to politics, and have varying lifestyles. About the only thing all polyamorous people have in common is that they are polyamorous and they are people.
There are also many, many different ways being polyamorous works out in a person's life. There are people who are most comfortable in, for example, a triad relationship in which each person is with the other two, living together and usually sleeping together, and that triad may be completely closed or one, two, or all three people might be looking for other partners. Or, someone may prefer being with just one partner, but understands and agrees that their partner has other partners.
Russell and Gina have been married since 2011.
Both have other romantic partners also in polyamorous marriages. And
those partners have other relationships. And so on.
Got it?
1. There’s no such thing as TMI. It’s all
about communication. Not only do Gina and Russell make time for daily
conversations, check-ins, and tell-alls, they are in constant contact
via text or phone whenever they spend time with their other partners.
Explains Russell: “It helps defuse things like jealousy and envy. It
helps set expectations—when I’ll be leaving, when I’ll be coming back.
It provides transparency.”
Actually, there can be TMI. It's up to the individuals involved. People an be like Gina or Russell, and might even want to discuss just about every detail of plans and then what actually ended up happening, but other people might not want to hear much of any of it.
4. Get to know your lovers’ lovers.Poly
couples still get jealous. According to Gina, they deal with it by
getting to know the other people in their partner’s lives. “The tendency
is to build things up in your head. ‘I haven’t met you, so you must be
way cuter, younger, smarter, sexier.’ It helps alleviate a lot of
concerns if you get face to face.”
This can be very helpful, but it isn't how everyone wants it to be. As with the first point, some people prefer not to hear about it, some prefer not to talk about it with their other partner(s). Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone I knew was with someone else and I could never meet that person. I don't want to be someone's cheating partner. That's not polyamory. Other people say "If my partner is cheating on someone, that's on them," and I agree to some extent, but for me, I'm most comfortable if I know the other partner(s) are aware and approving.
5. Never force it. Some
think polyamory is a lifestyle; others think it’s a sexual orientation.
(Russell is in the former camp, Gina in the latter.) Either way, Gina
says, building a monogamous relationship with a someone who you hope
will be open to polyamory later is a bad idea. “Having someone change
who they are for you is not a good way to go.”
This is a common question for polyamorous people: "How soon do I discuss with someone I'm seeing that I'm polyamorous or looking for a polyamorous relationship?" If you've met through a polyamory group or through an online service where you indicated you're polyamorous, that's already taken care of. But if it is someone you met another way, it is a different matter. Generally, I say that someone shouldn't assume that someone who hasn't explicitly promised monogamy is being monogamous, nor should anyone who hasn't explicitly asked for monogamy expect it. However, monogamy is presented by much of our culture as the ideal and the norm. So, it is a good idea when the discussion comes up as to why you're dating (just for companionship? looking for a spouse? looking for a partner?), polyamory should be brought up. Example: "I'm polyamorous, and I'm looking for a permanent partner to eventually live with, hopefully for the rest of my life, who will accept and support that I will date others, and I will support that person if they want to date others."
It really helps if you know who you are, what you need, what you have to give, what your limits are, what is negotiable for you, and what is not.
There are scores of ongoing relationships I've covered through exclusive interviews in
which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and
are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated
equally under the law.
The relationship depicted in the interview below lasted until death, so is, sadly, not an ongoing relationship.The surviving partner is, and was, mature, intelligent, and educated and was living with his partner as though they were married, and yet was (and would still be) denied his right to marry under the law. The hid the truth
from everyone in their life. They weren't hurting anyone; why did they
have to hide their love and be denied their rights? Read theinterview below and see if there is any good reason to deny others who are in relationships like this their basic rights to be together.
***** FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.
Ismael: I'm a high school teacher in History and Philosophy. I'm 51 year old. My father was a museum director and my mother was a teacher, too. I live near Rome, Italy, where I was born. I’ve never been married. I'm a heterosexual monogamist. I live alone now.
Everyone should have the freedom to be themselves
without being bullied. Every adult should have the right to share love,
sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with
ANY and ALL consenting adults, without
prosecution, bullying, or discrimination. Young people should be free to
develop relationships, as appropriate for their age, with their peers
without being forced into a narrow heteromonogamous paradigm.
Transgender, genderfluid, intersex, and other students and faculty need to see
that they are supported.
LGBT, poly, and
consanguinamorous students and faculty still have to deal with hateful
policies and attacks, but with your help, that will continue to change.
We mentioned the recent news about apparent mother-son GSA couple Kim West and Ben Ford. Their story made it to many outlets and there were the usual expressions of ignorance and confusion from some, and the hate from the anti-equality bigots. The reaction is exactly why almost all people experiencing GSA stay in the closet.
A mother reunited with the son she gave up for adoption 30 years ago says now they’re in love - and trying for a baby together.
She did not raise him. So any allegations that she somehow "groomed" him for this is invalid.
Kim
West, 51, has been in a relationship with her biological son Ben Ford,
32, for two years and believe they are ‘meant to be’ after she was
forced to give him up for adoption just a week after he was born. But
the couple, who say their sex life is ‘incredible’ and are planning to
get married, insist their relationship is not incest, the New Day
reports.
Instead they claim it is ‘Genetic Sexual Attraction’, a
term used for relatives who feel sexual attraction for each other after
meeting as adults.
The couple were brought together after Ben,
who was living in the US, sent his England-born mum a letter out of the
blue in 2013.
Two years before Ben had married his wife Victoria, who he later split up with to be in a relationship with his mum.
This is one of the complications GSA can bring. We have no way of knowing if Ben and Victoria would have lasted if GSA didn't exist, but GSA can overwhelm someone who otherwise would have been faithful to the vows or agreements with an existing partner. If a relationship was already in trouble, well, it would be very difficult to survive GSA.
Three
days later Ben told a disgusted Victoria he was leaving her for his mum
and the couple flew to Michigan, where they had help from another GSA
couple in setting up a new life.
That's interesting. Here and there, there are people who understand and are willing to help.
As its name suggests, GSA is a type of sexual attraction experienced
by close relatives, including a parent and his/her child, who met as
adults. GSA refers to the sexual desire between related people after
having been denied to form proper emotional bond, according to GSA Forums. Like in West and Ford’s case, they parted when Ford was still an infant and only reunited when he was an adult.
He
told New Day that he told his wife: 'Everytime I have had sex with you
since I met her, I imagine its her I am kissing, otherwise I can't
perform.'
West,
who grew up in Islington, London, became pregnant while studying in
California and after giving birth to her son aged 19, gave him up for
adoption.
After Ford was adopted a week after he was born, she came back to the UK but was unable to make a relationship work.
But in December 2013, she received a letter from her son, who was looking to track down his biological parents.
Incest
is illegal in the couple's home state of Michigan and judges in the
state are able to give out life sentences to those found guilty of the
offence.
However, it is unclear if a case against them would be pursued and the couple say they would move if that were the case.
It can happen
to siblings, half-siblings, parents and children, usually when one has
been abandoned, adopted or raised apart due to divorce or separation. In
the UK, sex with a parent, child, sibling, nephew, niece, uncle or aunt
is defined as incest and is illegal under the Sexual Offences Act 2003
with a maximum two-year penalty.
In the US, rules vary and the state of Rhode Island actually decriminalised incest in 1989.
Last I checked, Rhode Island hadn't collapsed.
Writing
in the New Day newspaper, psychologist Corinne Sweet explained: "At a
genetic level we are conditioned to find people who look like us
attractive. "In the first seconds of meeting someone, we make a
judgement about whether they are friend or foe, and whether they can
help us reproduce our genes. "We have an almost tribal connection with family members with similar features.
"At the same time, people who are adopted or fostered feel deeply rejected. "They have experienced a profound wound which isn't easily healed. "So when a son meets his birth mother, he feels a great rush of need.
"There's
an attraction and a longing there, and when it's combined with the
appeal of genetic similarity, it becomes a very powerful and complex
cocktail which is incredibly seductive."
It is important to note that GSA also happens in people who have no idea they've been reunited with a close relative, as in they don't know the person to whom they're intensely attracted is the genetic father or genetic half-sibling they didn't even know was their relative.
Incest is one of the biggest taboos of all, so the internet has its
pitchforks out. But Kim and Ben deserve help, not hate. They’re caught
up in something enormously powerful and problematic.
The only problem is that there is hate beings directed at consenting adults for loving each other. The only help they need is for their rights to be protected.
It’s sad because something has gone awfully wrong. The ‘incest taboo’
exists for very good evolutionary reasons: incest can magnify genetic
abnormalities and health problems.
The Westermarck Effect appears to happen when people live in close
proximity – and of course, Kim and Ben didn’t. But there must be more to
it than that, or every adopted child reunited with their biological
parents would experience similar attraction. And they don’t.And that’s why Kim and Ben need help, not hate.
Most people are attracted to people of the same race. If someone isn't, do they need "help?" Most men and are attracted to women, and most women are attracted to men. When that isn't the case, do they need "help?" Most women are attracted to men who are taller than they are. When that isn't the case, do they need "help?"
There’s been precious
little research into the phenomenon, possibly because of the knee-jerk
disgust we feel: getting funding for research into GSA can’t be easy. That means people like Kim and Ben aren’t getting the help they need –
and the online criticism means that other Kims and other Bens might not
try to get help in the future.
In a world where adoption has been joined by IVF, sperm donation and
surrogacy there will be more Kims, and more Bens.
That's all true.
Thankfully he doesn't see this as an abuse situation. Unfortunately, while he's trying to be supportive, he doesn't recognize their rights.
A British mother who has admitted having an incestuous relationship
with her son was in hiding as police said she could face up to 15 years
in prison .
What an absurd waste of public resources that would be.
If a member of the public was to complain about the couple, US police would be duty bound to investigate.
Law enforcement personnel make decisions all of the time to not investigate.
A
spokeswoman for Michigan State police told the Mirror: “Under State law
incest between two consenting adult is a third degree felony punishable
by up to 15 years in prison. “Anyone convicted of such an offence would also be required to sign the sex offenders register for life.”
Ridiculous. Why waste a police officer's time with something like that? Why waste a court's?
Ben added: “When I met Kim, I couldn’t think of her as my mum but instead as a sexual being.
I'd drop them like a bad habit, yep. And report it, seeing as it's illegal in Victoria and consent is irrelevant.
What terrible person. She should instead consider this. The discussion there is filled with hate, little reason at all.
We obviously still have a lot of work to do raising awareness, defeating the hate, and securing rights for all consenting adults.
Many, many people have experienced GSA. Many of them have made love with their GSA partner(s). Some of them even develop spousal relationships. It's a lot more common than people think, and as they wag their fingers and talk about how disgusted they are, they probably know someone who has experienced GSA.
Utah's Enabling Act, passed by Congress to
allow the Utah territory to create a constitution, form a state
government, and become a member of the Union, notes that Utah's
admittance would be "on an equal footing with the original States." And
yet, the same act contains a mandatory provision forced upon the state
which few other states (those with early Mormon influence, like Utah)
were required to include in their constitution: a prohibition on
polygamy, or plural marriage.
Despite that plea, many will still write this
issue off, assuming that most or all polygamists are monsters of the
Warren Jeffs variety, deserving of whatever punishment they are given.
The facts simply do not support this theory; most polygamists are in
mutually consenting adult relationships and loving families. They
should, like the rest of us, be presumed innocent until proven guilty of
anything — not considered felons outright merely because of their
voluntary family arrangement.
If adults agree to live in a polygynous marriage, or a polyandrous marriage, or a same-gender triad, or some other relationship or marriage, nobody should be able to stop them. There is no good reason to try. Utah is the only state I know of where polyfidelity is still criminalized. That needs to change, and nationwide full marriage equality is needed.
You meet your DH [Dear Husband], date for years, are madly in love and get married. You have four beautiful, smart, and healthy children. Your marriage is still strong after 15 years.
15 Years into your marriage you somehow discover that your DH’s father (who has passed away) had an affair and a love child from a disclosure by your MIL [Mother-In-Law]. The name of the other woman strikes a chord with you but you cannot remember where from. Weeks later it is still bugging you so you go digging. Turns out this woman is listed as your birth mother on your adoption papers. She too has passed away before you ever got a chance to meet her. You match the timelines up and it turns out YOU are that love child. Surprised
WWYD??
Tell your husband that you are actually brother and sister? Would you get a divorce? Stay together? What would you tell the kids? Or would you keep the whole thing a secret and sweep it under the rug? Please explain your reasoning.
I’m a male and not gay, so if I was a husband who had discovered this truth about my wife (that we were half-siblings) I would tell her only if I thought it would make her happier or have no effect. I would not tell her something like this if it would upset her, seeing that she could not do anything about it. But I wouldn’t be married to a woman who is grossed out by the very idea of consanguineous sex, and I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be married to me. So most likely, I would tell her. Nobody else necessarily needs to know. Notice that the children in this hypothetical are healthy.
What if you had to live with it as an open secret? As in everyone know that you are brother and sister and decided to stay married.
The problem there would be bigotry. But I would challenge the gossips to explain exactly what the problem is. It would provide many teachable moments, showing that such marriages can be lasting and happy. The problem, in so many places, is that ridiculous laws that are still on the books and still enforced would invalidate the marriage and may even lead to prosecution, for the "crime" of loving each other.
Most respondents, by far, chose “Stay married but tell only DH the truth”.
It's been all over the news that there's a couple brought together by Genetic Sexual Attraction named Kim West and Ben Ford. According to the articles, Kim is Ben's genetic mother. He was adopted and raised by others, but as an adult, found Kim and they've fallen in love.
What is rare is appearing in the media with your names and faces. Some people have done so because they were outed by law enforcement, but every once in a while, there is a splashy article from someone that decided to give their accounts to journalists without the protection of anonymity.
Some of the articles have said that Kim and Ben have now gone into hiding, and who could blame them? Bigots spew their venom, irrationally insisting that there's something wrong with consenting adults loving each other. They never provide a good reason, but this doesn't stop them from threatening people who are not harming anyone.
I
am a Legal Secretary and advocate for the rights of consenting adults
to have love, sex, residence and marriage with any and all consenting
adults. I have been following your story on the internet closely
and I think it is absolutely awful that law enforcement has forced you
into hiding. I have experience with GSA so I completely understand
what you both are going through. I congratulate you on finding love and
happiness together. Due to the oppressive laws that you both are forced to live and love under, I feel deeply for you and your situation. If
you are reading this, please know that you have a friend, ally, and
advocate in me. I want to help you in any way I can. I would welcome
contact and would do anything I could to help you. Please check out my website www.lilysgardener.com If you want to contact me completely confidentially, please email me at lilysgardener@protonmail.com
Kind Regards to you both, Cristina
There aren't a lot of places to turn if you're experiencing GSA. It's great that Cristina has extended her hand to Kim and Ben, and I do so as well. They (and anyone else experiencing GSA or who is in a consanguinamorous relationship) are welcome to contact me via email at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com or on Facebookas many others have done.
Kindred Spirits is the name of a forum to which I could proudly refer people wanting to seriously discuss consanguinamory in a supportive environment. The host, Forumup, is apparently down and has been for some time. We do not know if it will be coming back or if it will still host KS. It is possible KS will find a new home.
If you want to be informed about KS moving forward, please send an email to fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com ...Your address will not be shared with anyone.
It's really reassuring to read this blog. I feel like the word "incest" has become a really dirty term to describe something that shouldn't be considered dirty or unnatural. I guess everyone's need to fit in with society only serves to perpetuate this derogatory notion that incest is bad, when in reality things are rarely so black and white.
I'm 25 and I have crushed hard on my brother ever since puberty. I originally thought it was a phase I was going through, and chose to keep my guilty secret to myself. But as time passed and my sexual infatuation with my brother showed no signs of letting up, I began to question whether there was something wrong with me. I did the only thing a 14 year old girl could do in that situation, as incest is illegal and and frowned upon. I probed away at my friends to gauge their reaction and determine what was acceptable and what was "gross."
Thankfully, you've written a very informative and open-minded blog which I hope will serve to reassure anyone who is going through what I initially went through during my teens.
If by any chance there is a young person reading this comment, my best advice to you would be to relax and remember that we can't help who we are attracted to. I would also say that peer pressure is a big factor when growing up so if you wish to talk to someone, then I would recommend making good use of your online anonymity to talk openly with someone who has gone through what you are going through. My final piece of advice would be to give it time and if your feelings haven't wavered then the next thing to do is talk to the person you are having these feelings for. That might seem completely nuts to you, I know I was terrified of my brother finding out about my feelings for him. But, this only concerns you and the person you are having these feelings for. Remember that being told someone has deep feelings for you is the biggest compliment and most heart warming thing in the world. Especially if those feelings are mutual, and you never know if they're mutual if you both refuse to confront them.
Revealing my feelings to my brother, at the age of 16, was the best decision I made and one I wished I had made sooner. It was a huge relief when I realised that he wasn't disgusted and our normal brother-sister relationship wasn't damaged. It was also a massive weight off my shoulders and I feel so privileged to have what feels like a very unique relationship with my brother.
That's wonderful. It can take a lot of courage to be so vulnerable, and I'm glad it worked out. It is important to remember that there is a difference between love and abuse.
![Non-Monogamy Diagram [I:FV]](http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy2.5.1.gif){kind=link}