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Saturday, August 2, 2014

Genetic Sexual Attraction, Incest, and Consanguinamory


To act, or not to act, that is the question.

As always, I am talking about consensual sex, not molestation, assault, or rape.

Close relatives may experience mutual attraction as a result of Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), Genetic Attraction, Familial Sexual Attraction, or some other experience or phenomenon. I’m addressing these together because they all involve close relatives. These things can lead to incest (consanguineous sex, or consanguinamory) in the form of sibling sex, parent-adult child sex, cousin sex, etc. It may also lead to marriage or spousal relationships. While all sexual activity related to these can be called consanguineous, GSA-initiated consanguinamory is a special subset and it should be noted that opinions of those who have been in such relationships towards non-GSA consanguinamory range from support to indifference to uneasiness to condemnation.

Speaking of GSA, there is a split in the GSA community about whether to act or not (or to stop acting). Many people who have experienced GSA, prior to having the experience, had never considered the possibility of being attracted to a close relative and may have thought the idea disgusting, but they found themselves attracted to a close biological relative anyway. Those in the GSA community against acting or continuing to act have various motivations; a bad personal experience acting on GSA, a priority of obedience to laws (even if unjust), their personal sexual mores, and perhaps for some, intense emotion about something they never had or can no longer have. They may very well think they are sparing others pain by urging them not to act. But others say the pain for them was in delaying the reality that they had been reunited with someone who was now their true love.

I deal with common arguments against the rights to share love, sex, residence, and marriage on this page. But just because one should have the right to share these things with a relative doesn’t mean they should share these things in any given case. That is the point of why I am writing this.

ALL romantic or sexual relationships are emotionally risky. Most do not work out, or most of us would still be in our first one. As with any relationship, you should be the one making that decision for you, not anybody else. Don't let others decide for you. There are trade-offs and emotional risks in any relationship. With a possible consanguinamorous relationship, there are generally pros and cons, and with GSA, there is likely to be pain and struggle no matter what course is taken. Ultimately, each situation can have different factors than others, but there are some general considerations I will address.

If there is mutual attraction, and that is a big if, there are many things that should be considered before becoming more physically intimate. Notice that to one extent or another, these apply to relationships with nonrelatives as well.

First, the cautionary considerations…



1. Is this person right for you, right now? In this stage of your life, are you looking for a spouse? A partner? A roommate? A date? A dance partner? A friend-with-benefits? Is this person a good choice for that? (With a GSA situation, you may not know until you spend more time with them; some other times, you already know they aren’t. If you have been with this close relative all of your life, you should have a fairly good idea either way, which is one of the advantages of consanguinamory.) We’ve all known people, perhaps ourselves, who have been attracted to someone who is all wrong for us, or at least we were wrong for each other in that stage of our lives. Nobody should voluntarily subject themselves to a toxic person, relative or not, and some people aren't toxic, but they just aren't right for you because of personality differences, lifestyle differences, and wanting different things out of life. With parent-adult child GSA, there is sometimes (not always) a good reason why the child was kept away from the adult, or given away by the adult; sometimes in those cases, things have gotten better in the decades since. Whether or not a person is right for you may have to do whether you are just looking for recreation, a release, to express your love, or satisfy a curiosity.

2. Is it cheating? I am against cheating. I also generally support keeping a family together. This means that if one has existing vows to another that preclude entering into this new (or new level of) relationship, especially if there are children being raised in that home, I would urge against it. In a perfect world, everyone would talk it over and the addition would be accommodated, but I know this would be extremely unlikely in a relationship where closed monogamy is expected, or even in open or polyamorous relationships where someone doesn’t want to give up status as the primary.

Genetic Sexual Attraction presents a special situation as overwhelmingly powerful feelings flood a person, often suddenly and without warning. There still isn’t much awareness about GSA. Thus, you can have someone who would not otherwise violate their vows to another/others do that very thing. For example, there can be a woman happily married to a man in monogamous, closed marriage, and she would never have an affair with a coworker or neighbor or the brother with whom she was raised. But one day she finds out she has a slightly older half brother or one her age, and upon meeting, they have a powerful attraction and start to spend a lot of time together and engage in constant communication. Just their mere emotional bonding may be threatening to her husband; all the more so if the relationship becomes sexual. There is the possibility that if the husband remains, his wife may return to monogamy with him. But there is also the possibility that she will leave him for her half brother.


3. Are you willing to deal with the possible fallout? Emotional relationships will always have fallout, but with consanguinamory there can be legal, professional, familial, and social fallout. This blog supports the right of consenting adults to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any consenting adults, but the present reality is that consanguinamory is illegal in many places, and even if not illegal, not legally protected. It is also looked down upon by some who take it upon themselves to be concerned with the love lives of others. Thus, coming out or being outed may result in prosecution, discrimination, bullying, and jealousy on the part of others. These factors can be minimized through moving to a location where consanguineous sex is not illegal or not prosecuted, and/or where your biological connection is not known. Discretion can be absolutely essential. There are too many power-hungry people in legislatures and law enforcement (and it only takes a few) who want to interfere in the love and sex lives of others, and much hateful prejudice among others who will discriminate against and harass your family if they find out something like this

4. Is there a possibility of a sexually transmitted infection?


5. If this is heterosexual, has fertility, the possibility of pregnancy, and contraception been discussed?

Now, for some encouragement…

6. There ARE people in lasting, happy, consanguinamorous relationships, some with the support of family and friends; there are people who had positive experiences with youthful experimentation or play.

7. Consanguineous sex, consanguinamory, and consanguineous marriages are not new things, nor are they rare. The fact is, these things have been going on for literally all of human history in various cultures and every level of society. From the rich to the poor, royalty to commoners, educated to ignorant, urban to rural, young to elderly, close family members have done everything from engaging in playful experimentation to forming lasting spousal relationships. Consanguineous sex is normal, natural, common, and can be enjoyable and beneficial.

8. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you’re right for each other, don’t deny yourselves, deny each other, or waste the lives of others by entangling them in an effort to avoid your true love. As a wise person who has been there puts it, “I ran from the one person who would have supported and loved me for who I am, not who he wanted me to be, or for what I could do for him and my children and I have paid the price for two decades.” Fortunately, there is a happy ending in that case.


9. It can be a wonderful experience or even a deep and abiding love. If the situation is just a matter of curiosity and exploration, who better to learn with? But if it is more than that, be assured that consanguineous lovers often report that consanguinamory is deep and powerful; that other relationships pale in comparison. It is a special bond that brings happiness, a caring partner, and security. Who cares for you more?

10. In instances of GSA, it can be positive compensation for something that was lost and can never be regained.


If there is love; mutual attraction, trust, and respect; compatibility in availability, goals, personalities, personal styles and habits (notice that these may take some time together to determine); and the above considerations have been made, don’t let anyone stop you.

Refer your family and friends to THIS page.

You may want to check out:

Suppression Brings Ongoing Pain

Avoid Hurtful People

Hate Adds Pain to Genetic Sexual Attraction

You can also contact me through fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com.

(Edited to correct errors and for clarification)
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11 comments:

  1. Well said! All of the 'regular' rules of relationships apply to GSA relationships. You have to ask yourself if this person you care for is good for you... if they are what you want in a life partner when considering a commitment.

    In GSA navigating these internal questions can be both harder and easier. The intensity of feelings can make an otherwise balanced person make critical errors in judgment. But GSA usually seems to happen to people who are very like one another. I found that if I had not examined my own character carefully, both past and present issues, I could not have proceeded with my relationship with any kind of success. Fortunately, my partner is built the same way... self examination, rigorous honesty about his own strengths and weaknesses. We brought that to each other and are happy.

    But it is not that way for a lot of people with GSA. Some of us have those intense feelings with a partner who is not our emotional equal. My heart bleeds for them. Breaking up with someone you have loved is one of the most difficult of human experiences. Walking away from a GSA partner makes a break up look like a walk in the park.

    Love, trust and respect in a GSA relationship, when mutual, is unparalleled in its beauty and and scope. It is impossible to explain to those who have not experienced it, but for those who have witnessed it without judgment clouding their eyes, know that they are seeing something rare and precious.

    It is my fervent wish that more and more people will come out of the clouds that those who swim in GSA will be free to find the answers to your questions without fear of persecution. Thank you for what you do!

    Freesoul

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  2. has anyone thought about how they feel about their straight friends that do get married at this time pretty much endorsing state sanctioned bigotry.. i have thought about it and until i can get married i wont attend and probably will be disappointed in friends that do use this bigoted institution until we all can..to me its the same as being a member of a white onoy country club,,, i wouldnt go there as a white perrson util this didnt exist anymore..Ron Weissman fijironnie@yahoo.com

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  3. Ron, thanks for your comment. I have heard two different approaches; one like you already stated, and another that encourages people to go ahead and legally marry if they can. Then there are US states that will do same-sex marriages, but they won't be recognized in a couple's state of residence. It's a mess that needs to be worked out, which is why we need a Supreme Court ruling or a Constitutional amendment.

    Another aspect is this... my friends who inspired this blog ("A Happy Triad") have received two offers by ordained ministers to perform a religious and social marriage ceremony, but they have been reluctant to accept, wanting to have it be legal at the same time.

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  4. You are right about there being people discouraging people from going through with what GSA might bring. A lot of people seem to think that all you need is professional help to get over it, others think you just need to be separated. On the first, when I realized I had feelings for my half-sister, I googled topics related to incest, and what I saw was enough to terrify me of asking in a situation where I could not be granted complete anonymity. The majority of people we very brutal. They tried their best to make me feel like I was lower than low. Many of them made threats that if they knew who I was, I would be in prison or at least made the joke of my town. These were supposed to be advice forums, not 4chan. There was one person who didn't associate me with some serial rapist, and they gave me a link to a GSA site, and that site didn't really have much advice other than wait. They basically said wait and the feelings would subside, and yet here I am and they haven't subsided. In the ten years since I fell in love, they've only gotten stronger, and more intense. With it though, I became depressed, and anxious. Whenever my sister is around, my heartbeat races, and I can feel a pulse in both of my palms (from the heartbeat). But I become paranoid, that I may be giving away my feelings and I worry that my sister may find me disgusting, having been separated from her for so long, I don't know how she feels.

    For me it feels like it's a lose lose situation. On the one hand, I could very well burn every bridge around me, including the one I care about the most, and then I would be alone, and possibly persecuted publicly. But one of these days I may end up taking my feelings to the grave, if they don't end up destroying me first. My feelings have become so strong, that it at times feels like I am backwards. People talk about reverse imprinting, well to me it feels like I've reversed imprinted every single person except her. I can see a woman, and I see that she is attractive, but I fail to become aroused, even if I try. And if I imagine romance with that person, an uneasy feeling permeates my mind like I could barf. I feel backed into a corner, so even if I can't be with her, my body and mind refuses to be with anybody else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can't go on like this. Contact me through email, which I list below or through Facebook, via the link up to the right.

      Delete
  5. Holy crap! My half sister mentioned GSA a year ago and I finally got around to googling it. it is scary. My half sis and I have been in contact for many years and I've always used strong boundaries to deal with my GSA for her. Last year she mentioned we might not share the same father. Her comment bummed me out but after reading up today, I'm worried that she is dealing with it too. Freaking me out big time as I today I read other GSAers talking about the soulmate stuff. My half sis and I might be soulmates. which sucks because I don't even believe in soul mates.

    anyway, this sucks. probably need to get my but into a therapist before any stupid mistakes occur.

    oh yeah, people on the outside, don't be so quick to judge.

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    1. It's only a "stupid mistake" if neither of you are prepared for the social consequences. If you think it's "stupid" or a "mistake" simply because you've been taught it's bad, then maybe you need to see a therapist first to learn to accept yourself and to stop treating your feelings like an aberration. Only then can you make a decision rationally.

      Delete
  6. I'm watching a show about adoptive kids forming sexual relationships with reunited biological parents on foxtel. An absolute disgrace in my opinion. Regardless of the fact that the formative years have been missed, a 'stranger' association is disregarded and a common bond is mis- interperted. Give me a break! Common sense prevails. You're related. You share the same blood line. Ignorance is sometimes not only destructive but detremental. Ps I am an adopted person

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    1. Okay, Cherrie, YOU don't like the idea, but why should that stop others from being together? Also, have you been reunited with all of your close genetic relatives?

      Delete
  7. Hello, I am a sister of GSA. I ment my brother when he was 18 an I was 22. Me an him fell in love in a different way, that we did not know about. One night I was having sexel thoughts about him an we lived together because we wanted to be around each other 24/7 from all the time we had lost. Any way we were in the living room all out of no where he got up an went to his room I followed him an asked him " what's up what's wrong" he said I am having crazy thoughts. I said wow me to you don't even know. The rest of the night he stayed asking me what I was thinking an no way in hell I was bout to say humm... Just thinking about having sex with u. Anyway he kept on then he finely told me. He had been thinking about it. Then it just happens. And I love him very much that was2years ago an things will never Chang, we have tried to not but we r in love an so into how we look. I don't know if it helps but if ur feeling it strong go for it at least bring it up. I thought I was a freak! But I could my best friend ever some one who understands it all because he is in the same love.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous,thanks for sharing that. If you haven't done so already, please email me at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com so we can talk more in private.

      Delete

To prevent spam, comments will have to be approved, so your comment may not appear for several hours. Feedback is welcome, including disagreement. I only delete/reject/mark as spam: spam, vulgar or hateful attacks, repeated spouting of bigotry from the same person that does not add to the discussion, and the like. I will not reject comments based on disagreement, but if you don't think consenting adults should be free to love each other, then I do not consent to have you repeatedly spout hate on my blog without adding anything to the discourse.

If you want to write to me privately, then either contact me on Facebook, email me at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com, or tell me in your comment that you do NOT want it published. Otherwise, anything you write here is fair game to be used in a subsequent entry. If you want to be anonymous, that is fine.

IT IS OK TO TALK ABOUT SEX IN YOUR COMMENTS, BUT PLEASE CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY AS I WANT THIS BLOG TO BE AS "SAFE FOR WORK" AS POSSIBLE.