We Get Letters

This blog is visited by people all over the planet, and welcomes comments and I also welcome your emails and private messages. Everyone once in a while I publish some of those messages in a blog entry, which is what I’m I’m doing here.

Our entry Frequently Asked Question: How Common is Incest? is consistently the most popular entry. An anonymous hater left this comment, which I didn’t publish…

My God people, you are so sick. I just need to go and vomit now.

Very rarely is a criticism of any substance left.

Helena left a comment after another FAQ response that answers why consanguineous sex is still illegal in many places.

i REALLY wish people would not use the term inbreeding , a child is born of love in a consensual consanguinious relationship and inbreeding makes me feel like the sow on a pig farm LOL

Most children born to close relatives are healthy and look like anyone else. Many of them are better-looking.

After the entry explaining why I prefer the term consanguineous, Anonymous wrote…

Scotland Still Prosecuting Consenting Adults For Loving Each Other

From this report at stv.tv, it appears as though Scotland is still prosecuting adults for consensual sex. What century is this again?

 

A man is to stand trial accused of having sex with his half-sister.

Doesn't that sound ridiculous? What a waste of resources. Every bit of money and time put into prosecuting this case could have been spent prosecuting abusers.

John Bowes is alleged to have committed an act of incest by sleeping with half-sister Sheila Drummond Bowes at a property in Dundee's Douglas area in summer 2011.

I don't think sleeping is the issue here.

Bowes is alleged to have "had sexual intercourse with a person related to him" between July 26, 2011 and August 4, 2011 at a flat in the city's Ballater Place.

The 48-year-old, of Balunie Crescent, Dundee, denies a charge of incest at the city's sheriff court. A trial date has been set for February and Bowes was released on bail until then.

He's 48. Her age isn't given, but it is likely that she is well into adulthood as well. Why is this a crime? It shouldn't be. And if this was consensual sex, is she being charged, too?  If this wasn't consensual, the report is written very poorly and the charges should be rape. If this was consensual, it shouldn't be a criminal matter at all. They should be free to have sex with each other and marry each other, if that is what they want.

Too many questions aren't answered. I do wonder who reported this to the authorities, whether or not they grew up together, and whether or not this is a likely case of Genetic Sexual Attraction.

Don't let this happen to you, lovers. Take steps to protect yourself.

Dancing Around an Elephant?

Advice columnists, I'm sure, get many more inquiries dealing with Gender, Sexuality, and Relationship Diversities (GSRD) than get selected for print, some more direct than others. Here's one that made it. TAKES ONLY TWO TO TANGO wrote to Dear Abby...

I have been dating my boyfriend, "Jose," for a year. Before that, we were friends for five years.

That means she has had a lot of time to get to know him and his behavior.

Ever since I've known him, he and his half-sister, "Blanca," have danced together at parties. We're all in our mid-20s.

They dance salsa, merengue and other styles of music together. I used to think it was cute, but now that Jose and I are a couple, I find it annoying and a little creepy.

So he's doing what he's always done as long as she's know him, but she thinks dancing, or at least least some kinds of dancing, should be restricted to just the two of them now that they are a couple. Unless that was the specific, explicit, mutual agreement they made, there is no reason for him to stop doing what he's always done. She is free to ask him to stop. He is free to say no or to agree. She is free to stop seeing him.

Married Couple Confirm They are Half Siblings

Another case of possible Genetic Sexual Attraction has made news. From chinasmack.com...

In Jiangxi Province, a young married couple were always teased for “looking like each other”. Not long ago, the wife’s father suddenly spoke of a secret: it turns out that many years ago, he and the husband’s mother were secret lovers. Later on, the husband’s mother became pregnant, while the wife’s father fell in love and married someone else. On top of that, the husband’s mother has been dead for over 20 years, so this secret was almost buried forever, up until this young married couple decided to have a child.

Affairs, flings, one-night-stands, divorce/death and subsequent remarriage, etc. have always been a reality in making half-siblings. But now, with sperm, egg, and embryo donations, this is going to be happening more.

In early November, the couple chose to go to the Furong Forensic Centre of the No. 2 Provincial People’s Hospital in Hunan in order to do a DNA test. The results dealt them a heavy blow.

If someone is happy with their partner, they shouldn't let prejudice tear them apart. It is one thing to understand that, another to live it out.

Cao Wei and Xiao Qian (aliases) both grew up in the same city in Jiangxi Province. They lived near each other and had known each other since they were youngsters. Cao Wei is 4 years older than Xiao Qian and always looked after her the way a big brother would. Their relationship gradually began to change ever so subtlety, eventually becoming a romantic relationship.

If they were in each other's life from an early age, then some people would say this doesn't meet the "classic" definition of Genetic Sexual Attraction. However, it could still be an attraction that was based, in part, on shared genes.

On November 20th, legal medical expert and head of the material evidence examination room at the Forensic Centre, Dr Huang Jian, said it was currently unknown how Cao Wei and Xiao Qian would deal with their marriage. She believes that Bao Gen’s irresponsibility not only thoroughly discredits him, but has also deeply hurt his children.

It would hurt a lot less if we supported the right of consenting adults to be together. Did the DNA test reveal any serious genetic risks?

Some of the comments left after the article expressed doubt that this is a real story, but there are people going through this sort of thing all over the world.

News Media Request For GSA Experienced

Bumping this up again, because I was contacted by them and the deadline was dropped AND they expanded the scope from siblings to anyone with GSA experience. If you still want to contact them, go ahead.

For your consideration, if you have experienced Genetic Sexual Attraction...

CBS News Productions, a department of CBS NEWS, is considering producing a documentary about GSA for cable television.  We are looking for people currently in a GSA relationship or those who have been in a past relationship to tell their stories on camera.  If interviewees prefer that their voice and appearance be disguised, we can adhere to that request.  No monetary compensation will be offered for one’s participation because this is against the policies of CBS News.  If interested, please email...

[Edited because they project is not being pursued.]

As always, I want to see journalists raising awareness of things like GSA, but I also urge caution in dealing with the media.

If you don’t want to contact them, but still want to talk about what you’re going through or what you’ve been through, good or bad, you can contact me. And if you’d like, I can interview you like I’ve interviewed so many others.

Obligatory Flowers in the Attic Post

I'm not sure why, but Blogger tends to eat embedded videos, from their sister service YouTube no less, so I am bumping this up with the video embedded. Again.

Lifetime is doing an adaptation of Flowers in the Attic. Here is a short trailer.



It will be nice when we get some productions that depict consanguinamory as something that happens in "normal" or average lives, because it is. It is not just something found in horror scenarios or where there is child abuse or neglect.

Massachusetts Still Doesn't Have Full Marriage Equality

Massachusetts led the way in the US in moving towards full marriage equality, but still isn't there yet. Here's an example of a same-gender wedding in the state to start a marriage that is still denied legal recognition, because it is polyamorous. Kitten, Brynn, and Doll shared their special day with offbeatbride.com, where you can go to see beautiful pictures and and a video, and learn the details about what was involved in the wedding.


KevCool Photography captured these images.

The Offbeat Bride: Kitten, Fashion Manager
Her offbeat partners: Brynn, Computer Programer; Doll, Fashion Designer
Date and location of wedding: Codman Estate Lincoln, MA — August 4, 2013
Our offbeat wedding at a glance: Our wedding had to include meaning for all three of us brides in our polyamorous wedding.

Our entrance music was Emilie Autumn's "On a Day," and our officiants read the following:

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Today is the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

If you think you don't know anyone who is transgender, you're probably wrong. People who are trans are more common than many people realize, and the discrimination and violence and cruelty inflected on such people is deplorable. We show solidarity for all of those who are the T in the LGBT.

Polyamory Rising

Journals of of a Polyamorous Triad is a blog I've been following for a while, and I recommend checking it out in general. I wanted to call your attention to this current entry by Simon Broussard titled "Why Social Acceptance of Polyamory is Inevitable."

I must be honest with you: I giggle gleefully when another state passes a law allowing for same-sex marriages.

Even though I have no intention of ever marrying someone of the same gender, I also cheer when the same-gender freedom to marry is legalized somewhere, because I think all progress towards full marriage equality is good, and I am happy for the lovers who will now be free to marry, whether they are my personal family, friends, or complete strangers.

Simon next writes seven things about the history of marriage, including that polygamy "was" considered normal. It always has been in some places. Then he gets to polyamory...

Polyamory will eventually be just as recognized and accepted as heterosexual marriage because of the continued freedom earned by women (and extensibly freedom of mankind, in general, allowing for homosexual entanglement).

Those who say polyamory is oppressive to women don't know polyamory. Polyamory empowers women if  those women are polyamorous in their relationship orientation or function well in polyamorous relationships.

A woman should be as free as a man to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the other) with another woman, or two other women, or a man and a woman, or two men, or... with any and all consenting adults.

I wrote here previously about why polyamory will gain acceptance, and do so faster than LGBT people have gained acceptance.

I do believe all adults will have their religion rights, including full marriage equality. I am doing my small part to make it happen sooner rather than later. I do not think this will happen without those are discriminated against and their allies working for change. Let's make it happen!

Treating Love As Worse Than Murder

It is bad enough that some people do not make a mental distinction between consensual sex between close relatives and assault or abuse by a close relative, putting it all under the same label, but when the law does it, it leads to injustice, and that injustice can be made even worse by criminal sentencing requirements. Two different people have recently illustrated this.

IchigoRadiance left a great comment after another entry here.

According to Wikipedia, Consanguinamory can get you 25 years. Also according to wikipedia, the sentences of rape are not uniform, but tend to average around 11.8 years. But the actual time served tends to be around half at 5.4 years

Who thinks it makes sense to send consensual lovers to prison at all, never mind sending them to jail for longer than rapists?

Entertainment Media Needs a Fresh Perspective

Movie and television stars in the US are still expected, judging by media coverage, to have love lives that fall into a few narrow molds, and many apparently feel the pressure to present themselves as hetero-monogamous. Gays and lesbians are becoming more accepted, but many are still closeted or avoid public appearances with their partners. Bisexuality is accepted in women much more than men. For the most part, stars are expected to be monogamous, or at least serially monogamous; dates or encounters with others are portrayed as scandalous or a sign that their prior known relationship is over. There are a few exceptions, such as Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, but for the most part, stars are "supposed" to be with just one person or just date casually.

Anyone who thinks for more than a minute beyond the superficial publicist-prepared portrayals realizes that there must be stars who haven't come out as LGBT or polyamorous, or in open relationships, or as swingers or swappers, just by percentages alone.

I bring all of this up because of something at thedailybeast.com by Tricia Romano under the headline "What's So Bad About an Open Marriage?" It starts off with reports of Will Smith, perhaps, getting "too close" with someone who is not his wife.

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. (Getty)

But in April, Jada Smith told Huff Post Live: “I’ve always told Will, ‘You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be OK. Because at the end of the day, Will is his own man,” she said. “It comes from respecting that you are in a partnership and that also you are an individual as well.”

Later, she clarified in a Facebook post: “Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want, because we TRUST each other to do so. This does NOT mean we have an open relationship…this means we have a GROWN one.”

Grown is a good word.

People are often threatened by open relationships, says Rachel Kramer Bussel, a sex writer and editor of The Big Book of Orgasms, because it seems so exotic and weird when compared to the status quo.

“We just don’t have any formal model for a public couple having an open relationship."

That's a very important point. We need more honest portrayals not only in fiction, but in nonfiction as well.

There is at least one celebrity who is open about her relationship: Mo’Nique has told Barbara Walters she’s got an understanding with her husband.

She said: “Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal-breaker,” she says. “That’s not something that would make us say, ‘Pack your things and let’s end the marriage.’ What if it’s 20 times? So what? we’ve been best friends for over 25 years, and we truly know who we are. Oftentimes, people get into marriages and they don’t know who they’re laying next to. I’m very comfortable and secure with my husband.”

Good for them!

It's a good article, although I would've liked some clarification of terms. An "open marriage" is not synonymous with polyamory. There are many people in polyamorous relationships that are not open, for example. There are stars who haven't been outed as LGBT, or as asexual, or as polyamorous, or as in open relationships, or in consangiunamorous relationships. They are people and they have their sexual orientation, gender identity, and relationships that do not have to be ours to know, but I will support any of them that do come out and be grateful that in doing so, they help move us towards all adults being free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults.

Love Is Not Sick

Novelists, playwrights, and screenwriters can find inspiration for compelling dramas, endearing comedies, and even some highly erotic romance from the reality of consanguinamory and treat consanguineous lovers with respect and sympathy. Instead, consensual sex and lovemaking between close relatives is usually relegated to part of the horror in horror movies and novels or a treatment along the lines of "aren't they terrible or sick people for doing that?"

At indiegogo.com I found "Accidental Incest: The Movie," which is trying to get funding and publicity for a project that treats consanguinamory somewhat negatively; or at least, the campaign to get funding does, anyway.

Accidental Incest is a pitch-black romantic comedy that proves that love is relative!

Hmmm. That doesn't sound so bad.

Accidental Incest is the film adaptation of the award-winning play by Leonard Schwartz which was performed off-Broadway in 2012.

Did any of you see it? I would be interested in knowing how the subject was actually treated.

Accidental Incest is a sick and disturbing comedy about two people who find romance in this crazy world. The problem is that they are indeed brother and sister!

So they are left with a question: Should you be miserable or be with the one person who truly gets who you are?

"Sick and disturbing" is not what I've seen in real life.

The video at the link reinforces that this filmmakers are treating consanguinamory, which in this plot sounds like Genetic Sexual Attraction, as "sick." I understand that many people are disgusted by the thought of consanguineous sex and romantic relationships. But people who experience GSA and become sexually affectionate and others people involved in consanguinamory have to deal with enough trouble without another project that reinforces a stigma.

I implore those in control of this project to refine the material to make a positive difference. That would likely get more interest anyway. I invite them to contact me or take inspiration from what can be found here on this blog.

Sad Search of the Day

Someone searched the following phrase to find this blog...

sister and i had an incestual adult relationship and now we dont talk to each other

Family strife happens for many different reasons, and it is a sad thing. One of the risks of any romantic or sexual relationship is that the romance or sex will end, or the entire relationship will end on bad terms. That is why I wrote this. The only way to avoid the risk is to not have any romantic or sexual relationships.

I'm assuming this was consensual sex and that this wasn't a matter of assault. People who are assaulted should put distance between themselves and the abusive person.

Aside from severe discrimination, which, depending on the the jurisdiction, could include criminal prosecution, a bad break-up is the biggest risk of these relationships. Some relationships last, some don't. Some that don't last do not end well. But when these relationships end on good terms, or they last, they are usually intense and incomparable.

As with any other romantic relationship, someone may have trouble seeing their former lover with someone else.

With consanguinamorous relationships, one or more the lovers may experience some internal conflict due to societal biases. External pressures may even force lovers apart, in which case one may stop communication with the other because the heartache or risk of prosecution is too much to endure.

Matters of the heart are often difficult. With consanguinamory, we should stop adding difficulty via discrimination. Instead, we should offer support.

Was He Prosecuted for Assault or Consensual Encounters?

Is Kentucky prosecuting consenting adults for having sex with each other? There's no way to know from what is reported in this article at cynthianademocrat.com. Beck Barnes has the blurb.

The Harrison County man who was indicted in August on three counts of incest has changed his plea.

Handsome Lee Tolliver, 45, will be sentenced Jan. 7 in Harrison Circuit Court following a pre-sentencing investigation and evaluation.

Tolliver entered a guilty plea to each of three charges of incest on Tuesday in Harrison Circuit Court.

The August indictment stated that Tolliver had sexual intercourse or deviate sexual intercourse with a person whom he knew to be his descendant.

Why not a "sexual assault" or "rape" charge? Without such a charge, this sounds like it could have been consensual. A 45-year-old man could easily have a "descendent" who is well into adulthood and fully consented. There isn't even any information on whether he was involved in the person's life while they were growing up. Consensual sex should not be a crime. Rape should be called what it is... rape. And it should be prosecuted as such.

Strong ABS Counters Weak Hit Piece

Angi Becker Stevens hit Eli Lehrer's bad pitch against polyamory clear out of the park in this response at huffingtonpost.com...

Many polyamorous women, like myself, are in loving, committed relationships with multiple men. And a large number of us -- from my observation, seemingly a larger percentage than of the general population -- consider feminist values to be central to our relationships.

When someone says polyamory is harmful to women, there are many, many women (and men) who laugh until their sides hurt, or roll their eyes, or cough dismissively. You know what hurts women who have a polyamorous relationship orientation? Being forced into monogamy.

Lehrer is also concerned with the social problem of polyamory creating an inherent scarcity of partners.

Yes, Lehrer sounded worried that if women has more choices in the matter, he'd be lonely.

But again, this is only a concern if you assume that polyamory only means one man with many women. But given the reality of modern, egalitarian polyamorous relationship configurations that include one woman with several men, three or more men or women all in a relationship together, quads made up of two men and two women, and many more, it is difficult to imagine how polyamory can create a scarcity of available partners of one gender or the other.

Yes!

It is of course true that granting legal recognition to polyamorous families would also have the effect of granting legal recognition to patriarchal polygamous families as well. But the unfortunate reality is that many women still live in oppressive, fundamentalist monogamous marriages, and we do not use that as an excuse to eschew marriage all together. The problem is patriarchy itself, not the particular form relationships take. If anything, decriminalization of multi-partner relationships would allow more women in polygamous relationships who are being abused to access social services without fear of punishment.

Exactly!

Read it all. It is Angi is brilliant.

GSA Documentary

I've been getting requests for this lately... a documentary called "Incest: The Last Taboo?" It is actually about Genetic Sexual Attraction. Unfortunately, I don't know where the rest of it is yet, or if it is online anywhere. Such is the problem when videos posted online are removed.