Against Abuse

I advocate for the rights of consenting adults to share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage, including in the form of same-sex relationships, polyamorous and nonmonogamous relationships (more than one partner) and consanguineous relationships (close relatives), otherwise known as incest.

I vehemently condemn rape, sexual assault, and coercion against anyone of any age, and I vehemently condemn adults and significantly older minors molesting or assaulting minors. Child abuse is unacceptable. Forcing children into “marriage” with adults is unacceptable.

There’s a difference between fun sex, loving sex and abuse. Unfortunately, both are often lumped together under the word “incest.” There’s no comparison. A parent, grandparent, or some other older relative molesting a child should bring severe criminal sentences. A loving and consensual sexual relationship between adult siblings or between a parent and adult children shouldn’t be criminal and should be eligible for marriage.

Likewise, some have tried to depict polygamy as synonymous with a certain form of patriarchal polygyny between older men and minor girls. A man “marrying” multiple minor girls (or just one) should be locked up. An adult man and two adult women choosing to build a life together should have their marriage recognized by the law, if that is what they choose. The same goes for three women, or two men and a woman, and others.

Rape, assault, and molestation are and should be crimes, as they are perpetrated against someone who doesn’t or is unable to consent to being sexually touched. But while some rape is incestuous, not all incest is rape or molestation. Consensual incest is an expression of love, and it should not be a crime.

If you have been attacked, assaulted, raped, or molested, please know that you are not alone and there is help. You should not be ashamed. Your attacker should be ashamed, and convicted, whether a family member, a stranger, or someone somewhere between.

One of the groups that can help is RAINN - Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network. Yes, the name does nothing to remove the negative connotation from “incest,” but they can still be helpful.

Another resource is Survivors of Incest Anonymous. Again, I wish the name was different, but I’m just glad there is help for anyone who was raped or molested by a family member.

Perhaps you have been experiencing some attraction to a family member, especially one you were previously separated from for a long time. Or, perhaps you aren’t but know of a family member who is feeling that way towards you or someone else. Whether those feelings are wanted, unwanted, or you’re not quite sure, you can find some support, sympathy, and advice.

But if you have, or are, experiencing attraction and love with a consenting family member, or have chosen a polyamorous relationship, don’t let anyone put you down or interfere with your happiness. While we have a ways to go to reach equality under the law, consanguineous love and polyamory can be beautiful things. In a world with abuse, bitter family rifts, estrangement, and rampant divorce, we should never discourage loving intimacy.

Whatever age you are, it is important to never let anyone do anything with your body or to your body or make you do anything to or with them that you do not want. Wanting means more than finding it to be exciting or pleasurable. After all, I enjoy chocolate, but I still wouldn’t want someone forcing five pounds of chocolate down my throat when I’ve decided to save my appetite for dinner with a different friend. I might enjoy the chocolate, but I wouldn’t want it. If you are abused, assaulted, or molested, seek help from law enforcement and a therapist, and if you’re a minor, definitely get help from your parents (unless they are the abusers or will be abusive). It is also important that you do not force yourself on anyone else, either. Just because you feel a certain way and want something doesn’t mean the person(s) you're with at any given moment feel the same way or want the same thing. Respect the boundaries and privacy needs of others.

Just as important is that other people should not be able to prevent you from living according to your gender, your sexual orientation, your sexual desires, or the relationships you want. (Keep in mind certain legal restrictions apply based on age, varying from state to state or country to country. If you are living in your parents’ home, you’re going to have to live by their rules.)