When An Older Partner Struggles Emotionally

There's this "ideal" that's perpetrated by what I'd call the relationship police of a man and a woman of the same race, background, and age, or maybe with the man being a couple of years older, marrying, staying monogamous, staying sexually active with each other, raising their two joint children (the only children they ever have) together, then happily growing old together and dying within a few years of each other.

This does happen.

It is not the life story of most people, though. It isn't even necessarily what most people want for themselves.

Some people are gay.
Some people don't want to get married.
Some people don't want children or can't have them.
Some people want more children.
Some people prefer an older lover.
Some people prefer a younger lover.
Some people prefer someone of a different race.
Some people are polyamorous.
Some people have open marriages.
Some people get married more than once.
Some people are asexual.
Some people die well before reaching the average life expectancy.

The variations are almost endless.

Optimistically, the divorce rate for first marriages is as low as 30 percent. Additional marriages have a higher rate of divorce. Some people don't divorce, but their marriage is not a happy, functional one. Those are just the ones who make it to marriage. There are relationships that last for years, and might involve living together, major joint purchases, and children, but they have a breakup rate much higher than first marriages. And then there are the people struggling to even get a relationship going.

I don't write this to be depressing.

I write this to point out that if lovers...

1) are mutually attracted
2) treat each other right
3) don't have major goals in conflict and are otherwise broadly compatible

...they have hit paydirt. Paydirt isn't so easy to find.

Searches That Bring People Here

Below are some searches that have brought people to this blog recently. Searches are often written as questions. If you have questions, you can always submit them by commenting below (you can comment anonymously, if you'd like). You can also email questions to fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

We also get a lot of searches for questions directly answered by entries in our FAQ tag. But let's take a look at some of the search phrases and see if we can share some helpful information.

do sisters experiment with each other

Yes. Sisters do experiment and explore with each other. Some do it while young, some of them never stop, and some start later in life. Some sisters go on to have spousal style relationships with each other. It is very common for sisters to experiment with each other while young if they are close in age.

If you are a sister experimenting with your sister, know that you're not alone. This has gone on for literally all of human history and you know others who are doing the same.

can dr. find out mom is incest pregnant

DNA tests are possible, and from those tests, it may be possible to determine if the pregnant person conceived with a close relative; especially if your mom's DNA is also tested. Some of the tests carry medical risks and a pregnant woman can decline them. Medical privacy laws might be overtaken by "mandatory reporting" laws in a specific location, so if you are where sex is illegal between you, don't admit to engaging in such affection.

If you are looking forward to a baby, congratulations to you. Most children born to close relatives are healthy. I'd welcome an email from you.

adult siblings arouse each other

This is much more common than people think. Intentional or not, sometimes siblings arouse each other.

us supreme court rules brother sister marriage

Unfortunately, this is not yet a real story. It was something that made some ripples, but it isn't real. Not yet.

Can step siblings marry

Laws vary from place to place, but in general, I do believe the answer is yes. It is very important to know who stepsiblings are. If "Person A" has a parent who has married the parent - who isn't Person A's parent - of "Person B," Person A and Person B are stepsiblings. This is not to be confused with half siblings, who share a genetic parent.

If you want to marry your stepsibling, congrats on your love and we wish you the best. Please feel free to get in contact.

playing doctor with brother or sister

This is very, very common. It isn't necessarily a sign that there is a problem, as long as no coercion or injury is involved. Most such siblings aren't consanguinamorous post-puberty, although some are.

people who married their aunts

In the US, "aunt" can formally mean:

1) Your parent's sister
2) Your parent's sibling's spouse

Informally, she can be:

3) a more distant relative, or a friend of your parents or family.

Where someone can only be married to one person at a time, number 2 is not possible unless there has been a divorce or death Most US states have laws against number 1. There's no law, but often prejudices, against number 3. However, involvement with an aunt is common enough that everyone knows someone who is or has been. If you've found happiness with your aunt, good for you! It would be great to hear from you via email.

middle age mom in love with her brother

This does happen. Whether it's been an enduring state or a recent development, there are middle aged mothers in love with a brother. Sometimes, after someone has been through relationships and even marriages, they realize that the person they want most is their own sibling. There are also "reunion GSA" situations in which a long-lost (half) sibling is discovered. Being in love is very common in such situations.

If you're in or know about such a situation, I'd welcome contact from you.

mature siblings incest

You're never too old to enjoy consanguineous affection if you mutually agree, even if you have no history of doing so. Are you involved? Again, your emails are welcome.

are polygamy wives bisexual

Of course there are women in polygamous marriages who are bisexual in orientation. Polygamy means being married to more than one person, regardless of gender. It could be a woman married to a man and a woman. What the person doing that search probably meant was whether or not there are women in traditional, polygynous marriages (meaning, women who are married to the same man) who are also having sex with each other. Many people in traditional polygynous marriages are members of a religion that might officially oppose being LGBTQ, but whether or not that's the case, some of the wives in such marriages are bisexual in orientation. Some might be closeted lesbians. There is sex going on between some of them, and that has always happened.

If you're in such a marriage, please email me to talk about it.

This last one is a bit sexually explicit, so if you don't want to read something sexually explicit, move on!

Jane's Latest Survey

If you are strongly attracted to one or more close relatives and it's NOT a reunion situation in which you didn't have much contact with them while you were grown up, but rather they've been in your life all along or most of the time, Jane's latest survey is for you. Please take it.

Poppy is an Ally for a Consanguinamorous Pair

There's an advice column, Ask Poppy, found at preen.inquirer.net. In this edition, she examines a same-sex consanguinamorous relationship.

"E" wrote...

Three years ago, I met my mother’s sister in a reunion. We are aware of the existence of each other but like the other siblings of my mother, we are not really close because of distance.

When I met her during the reunion, we kicked it off—I felt like she’s a cool person and she thought I was cool too. Just normal reactions when you get to know somebody the first time, I guess.

This was sounding like it could be Genetic Sexual Attraction, but..

Facebook Messenger happened and it got to the point where we were talking every day. And after about a year, I kind of developed feelings for her romantically—I felt it was mutual, but I did not dare ask.

Because it took so long, it probably doesn't fall under GSA or at least not a "typical" example of it, although the lack of a Westermarck Effect is still involved.

And then somebody from the family got sick and she decided to visit, she said she wanted to see our place, too.

I can’t recall what happened but at some point during her stay, we kissed each other. And it was the best kiss I have had in my life.

That is typical of consanguinamory.

Experienced Mother Offers Help to Others

While consanguineous relationships take place everywhere, living in a sparsely populated area can foster additional conditions that foster such relationships. I've covered many consanguineous relationships though exclusive interviews, and while many share certain traits, there is still diversity within the group. Below is a shorter interview that some may find shocking and others might find incredibly erotic, but whatever your reaction, consider that consenting adults are denied their rights to be together in many places. Is that good policy? Whether someone likes any given adult relationship others are having, should people outside that relationship be able to force lovers apart?





*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Tell us about yourself.

Sybil: My name is Sybil Sybarite and I live in the far north of  British Columbia, Canada. I am married to a petroleum engineer, who is married to his job, and I am OK with that, because that is his life's work. I am 5'9'' slim build long black hair and piercing eyes. I am a female medical doctor and an online life coach. I hold a medical degree, and masters in Psychology. I have six siblings and I have had multiple children. My husband and I have been together since childhood and been married more than twenty years.


FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation?

I am bisexual in a marriage with a bisexual husband. We are polyamorists.

We Get Letters of Appreciation

Here's a letter that came in via email from a young woman who found this blog on her own. I had already been in contact with her lover for a while. Both women, from what I can tell, have experienced  Genetic Sexual Attraction.

I would really just like to thank you for the wonderful support you offer with your blog. The past few weeks I've been scrolling through it as often as possible, reading story upon story, interview upon interview of people just like [name redacted] and I. I find it very comforting. The fact that she is my aunt doesn't frighten me anymore.

I don't think I ever admitted it to her, but being related somewhat made me scared for myself before. Experiencing GSA, I think, is both a blessing and a curse in some ways. The reality I choose to focus on is that I have my love, [name redacted], and that we share a bond that is so wonderfully strong that neither of us can fully explain it to anyone who truly knows about us. That is what matters the most in my heart. We've given up too much for one another in order for this to work to consider anything else to be a reason not to love one another and be together.

However, in the back of my mind I feel sad sometimes knowing that I have to lie to my father if I want him to love me. I know he would disown me/do everything in his power to make this miserable for me/try to get us into trouble with the law if I told him. My relationship with my father hasn't ever been super strong, but we're finally on speaking terms and he's making an effort to show me he loves me. In some ways, I feel like I am betraying his trust because I am lying to him so often. I'm afraid to even tell him I am gay. The fact that I am in love with my half-aunt has to stay secret for the rest of my life. I feel sad in my heart that we can't share the amazing truth of our love for each other with our friends for fear that they will judge us without ever truly understanding.

Other than [name redacted], there aren't a lot of people I can trust and talk to openly about my feelings. You may be just a faceless name on the Internet, but reading your blog has helped me feel like maybe someday [she] and I will be allowed to freely and openly love one another without limitation or fear of judgement. Someday there will be no reason for the fears in my heart, because there will be no reason to fear. I hope that day comes soon. Someday I hope [she] and I can openly tell the world the story of our love and how beautiful it was: how we met, how we fell in love--how I loved her without even knowing it, and how she loved me before I knew she did--the hard times, the good times, and the reason all of the trouble was worth it in the end.

No one will ever love me or understand me the way she does. The level of trust we have for one another is immeasurable--if we ever lose the romance in our relationship, we both trust we can remain supportive and friendly and close, because we are related. She is my aunt. I will always love her no matter what happens to us. I can talk to her about anything in the world and I know that she will listen and she will trust me to listen to her.

I'm incredibly glad she found your blog all those years ago and became comfortable enough with her attraction to me to be patient enough to wait for me to realize I loved her back. If it hadn't been for you, I'm not sure she and I would be in the wonderful place we are now. Thank you. 

People like her are the reason this blog exists. We don't ask for money, we don't accept advertising. This blog is a labor of love. We're here to help people. We're here to help people enjoy their love, we're here to help people understand that their friends and family and neighbors deserve their rights. I know some people who visit this blog and are helped never comment or write, and that's fine. But if you'd like to write us (be assured I won't violate your privacy or trust), you can do so at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com.