Is Polyamory Just a Renamed Swinger Lifestyle or Open Marriage?

No. This is a common misconception.

Swinging, open marriage, and polyamory are all forms of ethical, disclosed, or consensual nonmonogamy, meaning none of them are cheating, but they aren’t the same thing as each other.

Swingers have casual sex at clubs, events, or parties, usually ones that are mainly there or being held for the swinging element. Couples (and triads, and...) who swing have agreed with each other to do so.

Polyamory involves having a dating, romantic, partner, or spousal relationship with more than one person in a way to which those involved have agreed. For example, three people might live together as partners with each other in a triad. Or, one person might have ongoing dating relationships with three different people, none of whom spend time with each other, but all three of them are aware and agreeable to the fact that the person they are dating is seeing other people, not for the purposes of “picking” one of them, but on a continuing basis. Each of them may or may not be seeing or living with other partners. Polyamory can take many different forms.

An open marriage or open relationship is a marriage or relationship that isn't closed to new partners. The people in the marriage or relationship have agreed that one, both, or all of them are open to finding new partners, whether separately or together, whether those partners are for casual sex (like with swinging, or hookups, or threesomes) or a spousal relationship (like with polyamory), or some other way.

People in an open marriage or open relationship might swing, or might be polyamorous, or might look for casual encounters that aren't part of swinging. But many polyamorous people are in closed relationships and aren't open to having new partners. Some swingers consider their marriage or relationship only open for swinging and not anything else; it's not a generally open relationship and neither or none of them are looking for anyone outside of the context of swinging.

So...

Swingers may or may not consider themselves polyamorous.
Polyamorous partners may or may not swing.
Swingers might be in an generally open relationship or only be "open" for swinging.
Polyamorous relationships can be open or closed.

Whether you know it or not, you know people who are in consensually nonmonogamous relationships. You know people who are, or have been, swingers. You know polyamorous people. You know people in open relationships. People of all walks of life find these forms of ethical nonmonogamy suit them and their relationships. Some of them are health care providers, firefighters, accountants, airline pilots, military personnel, engineers. lawyers, educators, clergy, or stay-at-home parents.

Nonmonogamous people shouldn't be discriminated against or denied their rights. Let people have the relationships to which they've mutually agreed.

Frequently Asked Question: Why Is Incest Illegal?

It shouldn’t be illegal anywhere, as you’ll see. As always, we note that we are talking about consensual incest (consanguinamory), such as between consenting adults, and between minors close in age. We are not talking about anything involving coercion or force or molestation. There are laws against rape, assault, and molestation, and they should remain. We are talking about consensual incest, consanguineous sex and marriage, and consanguinamory, whether initiated through Genetic Sexual Attraction or not.

Short answer: It isn’t illegal everywhere, but where it is, it is the lingering result of sex-police holdovers, superstition, prejudice, and legislative inertia.

Long answer:

Martin Luther King, Jr.

In the US, Monday is a holiday, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. He was a giant in the fight for civil rights.



Many decades after he was assassinated, the fight for civil rights continues.

History is on our side. All consenting adults will be free to exercise their rights to share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage.

Are you like those who kept trying to keep some people second-class citizens, or are you like the people who marched with King?

This is how you can help.

When Someone You Love Wants To Love You More

You may have come to this blog because you think or know someone in your family or closely related to you is attracted to you, or has a crush on you, or wants to get romantic or sexual with you. You may have had a mix of reactions to this, whether you've been shocked, surprised, confused, amused, bemused, worried, flattered, aroused, creeped out, repulsed, nervous, or some combination of these. So what do you do when a relative has a crush or very strong attraction to you?


These Feelings Are Normal and More Common Than You Think

These feelings are not so rare. There’s not necessarily any reason to get them to a mental health professional because they have these feelings. They are especially common when you were not raised by one another or with each other, but even if you were raised together or by one another, it's not unheard of.


These Feelings Aren't Wrong

Their feelings are their own. It is OK for them to have their feelings, and they certainly aren't alone in having such feelings.

And your feelings are your own.


Their feelings do not require you to act one way or another, but doing nothing at all is probably the worst way to react.

If you're feeling the same as they are, or want to seriously consider adding this bond to your relationship, you might be better off going to this entry here.

But if you're somewhat unsure, ambivalent, wavering, or all the way over to the side of being fairly certain you want no part of such a situation, the rest of his entry is for you.


Initial Reaction

Unless you've been hoping for this moment, you should probably take some time to think it over, even if your initial internal reaction was "No!" If you've already reacted negatively to them, there's still a chance to smooth things over.


Are You Sure It is How They Feel?


As we like to say around here, thinking and knowing are two different things.

It’s pretty clear how they feel if they explicitly say that they want to get it on, or they made an unmistakable physical pass at you, or you’ve overheard them masturbating and saying your name, or you’ve discovered that they keep images of you that are sexy or explicit or are very suggestive, or the history/files on their smart phone, tablet, or computer reveals they’ve been thinking about how to get with you.

If you've got a vagina and you find that your underwear (especially used) keeps getting moved or disappears and reappears in their room, that’s a pretty strong signal on their part; there is only doubt if they are the same size as you, in which case there is a small chance they wanted to wear it (washed). If you find that your underwear/lingerie or toys keep getting moved or used, that’s a strong indicator. It is also something I advise against people doing, just FYI.

If they've left this very essay for you to find, then it should be clear.

If you have such clarity, You can skip down to the next section.

But if it hasn’t been that clear, there's a chance they're not making a play or inviting you to. They may not even want to act even if they do have feelings for you in that way.

If you only think they might be interested, it could be a misunderstanding or maybe you are misreading them (or even projecting your own latent feelings).

Flirting or behaviors that would look like flirting to the average observer ignorant of your relation might be an indication, but those things aren't definitive if not explicit or blunt.

Maybe you've found out that they like (or even create) porn or erotica with incestuous themes. This does not necessarily mean they are attracted to you and want to have sex with you and are hoping to have sex with you. It's a very popular genre. Some people enjoy such material or even have a fetish for it without actually wanting to be with their own family members. Porn is usually very different from reality, after all. On the other hand, it can be a sign of interest.

Hints, clues, or signs likely to indicate they're interested:

• They look for reasons to be around you, especially alone, without an apparent agenda. 
• They suggest or arrange for you two to do things that romantic couples might do, even if it they try to make it seem like an accident (such as getting the two of you in a hotel room with just one bed). 
• They have increased physical contact with you. 
• You catch them staring at you or giving you lingering looks. 
• They’ve started or increased discussions about sex with you, especially consanguineous sex and relationships, and especially if it involves “joking” about consanguinamory or something happening between the two of you. 
• They express jealousy or envy towards your (potential) dates or lovers. 
• The people they date or find most attractive have similarities to you in appearance, age, mannerisms, etc. They may even (try to) date your friends. 
• They’ve “accidentally,” or have had excuses to, come in to where you are changing clothes or showering/bathing or have tried to call you in when they are changing clothes or showering/bathing when it hasn’t been typical for you to be in those circumstances together. 
• They are dressing up more impressively than usual or in more revealing clothing around you for no apparent reason.
• They’ve started to invite you to tell them how they look or if something they’re wearing is appropriate. 
• They mention having a sexual dream that included you. Even if they play it off as funny or strange, they could be trying to see how you react.
  

None of these by themselves mean it is certain they are sexually attracted to you, but the more that you recognize them doing, the more likely they are.

If you're still unsure and you don't want to come right out and ask them because it could be embarrassing, you can give them a chance to speak plainly about their feelings for you by talking about the subject in general. If you talk about it in a way that indicates to them that it is safe for them to talk with you about it and they can tell you anything, then they’ll reveal if they do feel that way for you. Some ways of doing this would be to say that you had a dream that included them, or that you’d consider it flattering if someone in the family thought you were attractive. You can say things like, "Is there anything on your mind you're not telling me? You can tell me anything, and I mean anything." Or something like, "You know, I've been thinking about how rare it can be for people to find a very strong, special connection to each other, and it is shame that some people think there is anything wrong with consenting adults loving each other in any way they want." There are many things you could say that will give them the confidence to be vulnerable with you.


You're Positive They Want to Jump Your Bones

No matter what your feelings are, you need to make it clear what boundaries, if any, you need to be in place.

Again, if you think you want to go for it, whether you’ve been hoping they feel that way or you’re curious or want to explore or experiment, go ahead and see this.

If you need limits on what is going to happen, when, where, etc., then you need to discuss that with them, as you should for any romantic or sexual relationship you’d have with anyone. Maybe your limits include cuddling, maybe kissing, maybe simply being naked around each other, maybe masturbating in front of each other, or touching each other or various forms of sexual contact. Maybe you want to move more slowly than you have with others (although many people in these situations end up moving faster than they have with others, and often regret that they didn’t get together sooner.)

If you think there is no way you'd want to get any more physically affectionate or romantic than you already do with them, do you know why? Consider if you’re internalizing a senseless prejudice against something that could be very enjoyable for both or all of you and bring you closer together. It might be a good idea to tell the other person you need some time to think about things. Sometimes, people who are initially shocked or have a negative reaction, after thinking it over, realize they have a mutual interest. The thought that they want you might have caught you off-guard or shocked you. Take some time of think about it. This is someone who loves you and knows you. It had to take some courage on their part to be vulnerable with you if they volunteered to you how they feel.

While there is no good reason to have laws or taboos against such relationships, you may have a reason to not have such a relationship, at least with this person. After all, each person needs to decide for themselves that they’re going to do and with whom when it comes to physical contact and romantic activities.

If you're not going to further or continue sexual or romantic affection, it would be best to let them down easy, and you probably want to let them down easy, unless they’ve been coercive in their approach. Who likes to be rejected?

Some things you might want to say, depending on the situation:

• You’re flattered 
• You love them
• You’re not upset with them 
• You just can’t go there because your feelings for them, while loving and pleasant, are entirely non-romantic and/or non-sexual 
• You’re not open to a romantic or sexual relationship anyone right now (or anymore) 
• You’re committed to someone else/others and do not want to jeopardize that 
• You just can’t take the possible risks
  

Even if you already reacted in a way that wasn’t exactly letting them down easy, you can go back to them and tell them that you’re flattered, you’re sorry you reacted that way, but you were caught off guard, then tell them one or more of the statements above.

If you take the route of not “going there,” be sure to be mindful of what you’re doing around them because you do not want to tease them or give them false hope. It is tough enough for them to deal with the rejection; don’t add to the difficulty.

Also, they may be consanguinamorous as their orientation, and even if they aren't they might pursue a consanguinamorous relationship with someone else. Here's how to be an ally.

If you'd like to contact me to discuss these matters further, you can write me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com

(Disclaimer: This entry assumes you live, or would move to, someplace where affection would not be a criminal matter.)


How To Pull Off Living With Your Consanguineous Lover

NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #4

“My religion is against it.” If you don’t want an (adult) intergenerational, interracial, same-gender, polygamous, or consanguineous relationship or marriage, then don’t have one. But we should all have the freedoms of religion and association and in places like the US, we have separation of church and state, so this can’t be a justification for denying marriage equality or other relationships rights.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #3

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #5 

A Cruel Double Standard

I've considered adding another entry to the Discredited Arguments page, because I've heard and read people say that people in consanguinamorous relationships (or step or adoptive relationships that have gone romantic) don't need the freedom to marry because they're already family. In addition to being as senseless as telling a woman she can't marry her sister's husband's brother (which is legal and does happen) because they are already family, the statement can bring up a very cruel double standard.

In many situations involving Genetic Sexual Attraction, the lovers are not legally family for the purposes of insurance, benefits, taxes, hospital visitation, next of kin, etc. because they were adopted into or born into (via sperm, egg, or embryo donation) different families. Also, in many places, when a married woman gives birth, the child is legally her spouse's child as well. What if, due to sex with someone other than her spouse, the woman's child is genetically a half-sibling to another married couple's child, and as adults they decide they'd like to marry?

The double standard is that, while these genetically related people don't enjoy the benefits of being family, in places that still have ridiculous laws discriminating against consensual adult incest, they are considered family and thus can (and are) criminally prosecuted for consensual sex or at least denied their right to marry.

You're not family so you can't get the benefit of being family. You are family so you are going to be prosecuted for having loved each other in sexual way. That's cruel.

As an example, if something were to happen to Melissa and she ended up in a hospital, her adoptive parents could bar Matthew and Linda from even being by her side, let alone making decisions about her care, even though Matthew and Linda are, for practical purposes, her spouses. She would be married to them if she could, but the law isn't there yet.

Those who are sharing, or want to share their lives as spouses or partners often do need the same rights, benefits, and protections as any other spouses, and there’s no good reason to deny them their fundamental right to marry. Also, marriage automatically provides for next-of-kin status, which is especially important when there is some discord between at least one of the lovers and legal family members outside of the consanguinamorous relationship.

There are many cruel double standards when trying to tell other consenting adults how to love each other. GSA or not, consanguinamorous people need discriminatory laws to be done away with, and need access to the protections provided by marriage, if they want them. This is yet another reason we need full marriage equality sooner rather than later.

When Middle-Aged Siblings Get Together

[Bumping this up]

Some people find this blog from doing a search. Today's interesting search phrase is...

Causes of middle age sibling incest

I'm assuming this is about sex, which is consensual, rather than assault.

I've largely explained the "causes" in this posting, which was about a father and adult daughter.

I have no way of knowing if the person doing the search is such a lover, has a partner who is involved, is a family member or friend, or someone else.

What I do know is that sex between siblings is common enough that everyone knows someone who is, or has been involved.

Since the previous posting I linked was about an adult and their parent, I'll add a few comments here specifically dealing with siblings.

For some middle-aged siblings, the origin of their sexual interaction goes back to having sexual contact as teenagers, which could have stopped for many reasons, including someone else intervening and stopping it, fear of persecution, the siblings finding other partners, going their separate ways for education and employment, and other reasons. Others have their first sexual contact with each other as middle-aged adults.

Having sex with each other in middle age, whether it is new or a resuming of past experiences, could be prompted by a variety of factors. Whether bored or dissatisfied in their relationships with others (and looking for a "safe" person to cheat with); looking to traverse what is, for them, new sexual territory whether they are single or in an open relationship; nostalgic for the past; looking for a "safe" partner who loves them after a breakup or divorce; brought into each other's presence and comforting each other after the death of a parent (or sibling or friend); one caring for the other through recovery from an injury or illness; just plain ol' curiosity or horniness combined with availability. Sometimes it is the first time the siblings have really been in each other's lives at all, and they feel a powerful attraction.

What causes these relationships isn't as important as respecting adults and their relationship and sexual rights. If they aren't cheating by sneaking behind a partner's back, violating an existing agreement, then siblings loving each other this way, especially as middle-aged adults, shouldn't be a matter for law enforcement nor finger-waggers. They are people who at least somewhat share a background, and are likely close in age, and the love each other. Be happy for them!

See:

Ten Myths About Sibling Consanguinamory

Interviews with Siblings in Sexual Relationships

Making a Move During the Holidays

Have you been waiting to make a move?

Is there someone you’ve wanted so badly to kiss? (And maybe do much more with?)

Christmas time might be the right time! People are feeling festive, and being around or under mistletoe is a great way to start kissing someone (with their consent).

If Christmas doesn’t work for that, there’s no better time to do it than the stroke of the New Year, when midnight hits and 2025 becomes 2026.

Of course, this assumes they’d welcome a kiss, and it requires you actually be the same place as them.

If neither of you are problem drinkers, some bubbly might help and be appropriate. Maybe some leftover mistletoe?

Keep things pleasant and fun as midnight approaches.

Then, when everyone’s excited, take your chance when you can.

Kissing at the turn of the year or the moments just after is common even between people who’ve never kissed before: people who are already in relationships, friends, family. This could be your chance!

You can reach out or comment below to share your New Years plans, experiences, and memories.

Cautious Consanguinamory 

Step 4 and the rest this page might help:

https://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.

Being a Good Lover

This entry assumes you have at least one lover. If you don’t, this previous entry is about finding one.

The specifics about what being a good lover is going to look like will vary, because people are diverse with different needs and desires. But there are some basic principles that you can follow, adapting to you, your lover(s), and your situation(s).

1. Basic compatibility is a must.

If they want to be monogamously married and only have sex to make babies and you’re looking for a “friend with benefits,” you are not compatible. If penises cause this person to run in terror and you have a penis, you’re not a match, unless you’d both be OK with your penis never being exposed or touching them. You get the idea.

2. Be prepared.

Good hygiene, being clean and well groomed are important. So is being up to date on being tested for and informed about sexually transmitted infections. Condoms and other barriers to reduce the risks of transmitting a disease or infection are options to consider. Condoms are also a form of contraception, but there are many other forms to consider. Lubricants and medications, especially as needed, shouldn’t be overlooked.

You and your partner shouldn’t be doing things on an empty stomach (unless it’s first thing after waking up), and staying hydrated helps. So feed and water your lover, so to speak.

You will be better off with lovemaking and many things in life if you take care of your body through staying active, flexible, strong, and physically coordinated. Good circulation and the ability to sustain physical activity for a while help.

Know your body. Exercise helps with that, and so does masturbation. There is nothing unhealthy about masturbation, provided you don’t hurt your skin; use lubrication.

Your mind and emotions should be prepared as well. If hang ups and inhibitions are interfering with your sexual enjoyment, consider finding a sex-positive therapist.

3. Care about the other person.

Sounds basic, right? But some people are so preoccupied with their own pleasure that they disregard what the other person needs or wants. Caring about the other person, focusing on providing them what they need and want, is essential to being a good lover. If they can trust you to consistently meet their needs and desires, and to stop or pause when they tell you to, they will consider you a great lover.

If they have a penis, in most cases, you should work with them to get it erect. If they have a vagina, you should work with them to get it wet. Ensuring they enjoy enough “foreplay” is essential.

Ask them what they want. Ask:

“Do you like this?” 

“Will you show me what you like?”

“What can I try?”

“What’s something you’ve wanted but haven’t tried yet?”

Pay attention. Learn their body and how it reacts, and what “works” for them. Adjust as needed. Be willing to learn and improve.

Be enthusiastic and open to trying new things (within boundaries and with consent).

If you tend to get sleepy or lose interest in sex after a climax, focus on satisfying them first, before you climax. If you’re not sure whether or not they need you to do more for them at that moment, ask in a sexy tone, “Is there anything more you need right now?” Be generous.

“Little” things can matter, like eye contact or holding their hand. Again, people are diverse. The “little” things that make it better will vary by individual.

You must listen to them if they say “no, don’t, stop, wait, not now,” or anything like that. Their “nos” (and yeses, for that matter) don’t have to make sense to you. They don’t have to make sense to them. Trying to change their “no” in the middle of sex is NOT good. If you want to discuss it, discuss it at another time. 

Protecting them from unwanted injuries, pregnancy, infections, gossip, and negative judgment from others is part of being a good lover. Honor their privacy.

If the person you’re with lacks experience, don’t assume they know what to do (each person is different anyway).

4. Don’t expect them to read your mind.

Mind reading is an extremely rare ability. If you can, show your lover what you want. If you can’t show them, tell them. Guiding them can be sexy!

These words are useful:

Softer

Harder

Faster

Slower

Keep doing that/more/don’t stop

Here

There

Stop

Wait

If you’re about to ejaculate, say so, especially if it’s going to go in them or on them if they don’t move or you don’t move.

5. Positive encouragement is more effective than complaints and criticism.

While there might be times you need to firmly say “NO,” redirection, offering an alternative, and positive reinforcement work better than negativity. Criticizing your partner’s technique or body in the middle of sex is a buzzkill (unless they have a kink for that sort of thing).

“Over here,” pointing or moving their hand/face/whatever to where you want it is much better than “That does nothing for me” or “I don’t like that.”

Positive feedback and encouragement both in the moment and after sex will get you more of what you want. Even if not getting sexual in the moment, telling your partner things like “I really like it when you…” or “It turns me on so much when you…” will get you more of what you want.

Say things like:

“It drives me wild when you…”

“Something I’ve wanted to try is…”

Erections usually require things to work together physically and psychologically; penises can get shy and uncooperative, especially if criticized. Erections can wax and wane multiple times during one sexual encounter. That’s normal. And sometimes, things just don’t work together in any given moment. Likewise, vaginas can be uncooperative sometimes; hormones, cycles, and other physical conditions can be tricky and things like UTIs can happen adjacent. Patience and cooperation usually pay off, even if not in mere minutes but days or weeks. Kindness beats criticisms and complaints.

6. Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind.

Ideally, you could tell your partner your fantasies, and they’d help you fulfill them (role playing, if not literally), but even if you don’t think you can share a fantasy of yours with your lover, it’s OK to fantasize in your mind, even when you’re in the middle of sex with your lover; whatever will get you enjoying yourself and your lover more. This includes things you’d never do in real life. Fantasies don’t have to follow the same rules as real life; fantasies just have to “do it” for you.

7. Mutually agreed-to one-sided sessions can be great.

They’re horny. You’re not, and you’re not likely to get horny right now. You can still do things that make them feel appreciated, desirable, sexy, and satisfied. This is a common way to handle things on occasion in an ongoing relationship. Not every sexual interaction has to include “everything.” If you’re simply not in physical or mental condition to do certain things, including reaching a climax, say so. Take a “rain check.” And if you can do something, and they’ll enjoy it, do that.

8. Toys and other additions are your friends, not an enemy.

There’s nothing at all wrong with involving things in addition to your two bodies. There are toys made for mouths, nipples, the anus, the penis, the clitoris, the vagina, and more.

Lubes, lotions, oils, creams, and dusts/powders of all sorts can make things easier or more spicy.

Research, technology advancements, and creativity are always creating more items, but sex toys and lotions have existed for thousands of years.

Blindfolds and ways to tie up or restrain a partner have been broadly popular.

There are pillows and similar items designed to help with sex.

Something doesn’t have to have made specifically for use in sex to be something fun to include; food and sweets are an example. So are costumes and wigs. Get creative. Use your imagination.

9. Have rules.

“No limits” is never true. You need rules for sex and rules for the relationship as a whole. Rules don’t have to make things bland. If agreed to the right way, they can make things even better, especially since they build trust.

Never assume this person is monogamous with you, only dating you, only having sex with you - if they haven’t clearly, explicitly agreed to that. Never assume that just because you’ve had sex they have implicitly agreed to only have sex with you. That’s something that must be discussed. You two will have clear understandings together about the rules.

The rules you two can discuss are almost endless, ranging from things you never want done to you during sex, to whether or not Tuesday will be a standing date night.

Some relationships are exclusive and closed, some are open. Some are monogamous, some are polyamorous. Some couples swing. Some couples who swing only do “soft swapping.” 

Communication and, if necessary, negotiation are musts for a great sexual relationship.

A “safe word” that stops things is a must, especially if you agree to do things that involve restraints, anything rough or potentially painful, or role playing involving force or “consensual non-consent.”

One of the rules, especially if your relationship is considered forbidden or taboo, should be who can be told about it and how. Depending on your situation, you might agree it is necessary to “keep private matters private.”

10. Keep it fun.

Sex is supposed to be fun, exciting, pleasurable, loving, playful; not a chore.

It helps to be able to laugh at yourself and the situation if things aren’t going perfectly, and be patient.

There is always something to learn, so curiosity and creativity are beneficial.

“Learning to love” something that didn’t sound or seem appealing at first opens up possibilities. In general, the more you’re willing to do with enthusiasm and determination, the better.

Think of how you can appeal to, and address, all of your lover’s senses, and in turn, experience them through all of your senses.

This was written mostly with basic, one-on-one “beginners” in mind, but it can be helpful for anyone who feels like they have fallen into a sexual rut or they need to step up their sexual skills. There are additional considerations in non-monogamous situations, such as two-on-one, threesomes, group sex, and polyamory (even polyamory in which each sexual encounter is one-on-one).

There are no shortages of websites, apps, videos, or books that can teach you specific techniques, positions, tips, games, etc. Going into that much detail is beyond the scope of what I’m doing here. In general, being gentle and slow is the way to start anything; if they want you to speed it up or be more forceful, they should tell you.

Basic Facts About Sex 

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.

A Cautionary Tale of Polyamorous Consanguinamory

This wont be an easy or quick read. [Note: This was originally published several years ago. I’m bumping it up because it’s tied to this season. I’d very much like to publish an update on this family.]

This is an in-depth recounting from a woman who was in a polyamorous consanguinamorous triad of her own initiation. It has been several years since it ended.

It’s a cautionary tale, though, unlike most of the interviews you'll find here, because they didn’t ever *talk* about it. They never discussed anything about it. They just did it. That, along with feeling isolated because of societal negativity, made things stressful for this woman.

Communication is important in any relationship. It is especially important in polyamorous relationships, and especially polyamorous relationships that were already established before they became sexual. It’s vital when three or more people are involved. If you can’t communicate about what's going on, you shouldn’t really be attempting an ongoing relationship. Consanguineous sex is almost always explosive. The intensity is unlike anything else. There’s a reason we call it double love or a double bond. Some people liken it to an addictive drug, and this woman does, too.

Communication is important. Reaching out to others is important. Reading the whole account will take a while. As you read this, notice how things could have turned out differently if they had talked things through, and didn’t have to hide.

I present her experience in her own words below. I have organized what she told me, but these are her words. If you contact me about her, refer to her as Zoe.

PLEASE NOTE THAT SOME OF THE NARRATIVE BELOW RECOUNTS EXPLICITLY SEXUAL SITUATIONS.


*****

I’m a mid-to-late twenties female and I was in an extended sexual relationship with both parents. For a long time I've felt really isolated, and if there's someone out there that can read what happened to me and say, "Yeah, I feel that too," that's a good thing. It started when I was 18 and ended when I was 22.

Why Do I Feel This Way?

Has anything like these ever happened to you?

• You wake from from an erotically charged dream, feeling strange or confused because it featured a close relative or family member.
  
  
• You're close to orgasm, whether you're alone or with at least one other person, and thoughts of a relative pop into your head, taking you to climax.
  
  
• You've found yourself admiring your relative "a little too much," whatever the setting or occasion.

If you have experienced anything like any of those, you're not alone. This is more common than many people think, because far more people have such thoughts than will admit to most people they know.

If we're talking about someone who recently came (back) into your life and you were essentially raised through childhood apart, then it could be reunion GSA, which is very common in such situations. See this page for more information. Most of this entry also applies to you, but is more focused on people who were always in each other's life, or for the most part have been.

Is It Normal?

Getting Started

It has become apparent to me that some people need advice on how to initiate a sexual relationship that’s not with a paid professional. 

Again: Never impose yourself on someone without their consent; their consent can end at any time.

Usually, you’ll need to be alone with the person you’ve set up this time with. Nobody else should be around unless you know they’d support you two getting sexual with each other. Be thoroughly washed, cleaned, and groomed.

Do what works.

What works will be whatever both you want to do together.

It might take trial and error to figure that out.

You want them to feel sexual, playful, aroused, even passionate. You want them to feel your interest in, and desire for, them. You want them to feel like they have an itch that you can scratch, and that you have an itch they can scratch.

It will usually involve conversation with each other, which can range from what they think about the weather to what their sexual fantasies are, depending on how things have already gone between the two of you. Compliments, flirting, and innuendos (if you’re good coming up with those) should be sprinkled into the conversation, if possible.

Talking usually won’t be enough. You might want to do one or more of the following:

• Sit/cuddle/snuggle together watching a movie or show (one that won’t be a turn off). Or telling each other stories.

• Sit in a private hot tub together.

• Sit in an automobile together overlooking the sunset, the night sky, or the city lights. (Just be careful not to run afoul of the law by doing things where you’re likely to get busted.)

• Sit closely together while sharing a light meal and conversation; even better if some finger foods are involved that you can feed each other (olives, grapes, chocolates, etc.)

• Dance slowly together to music, just the two of you, pressing together.

• Play games together, whether video games, board games, card games, whatever.

• Gentle touches. Touching will be very important. If they don’t welcome your touches, such as on their arm, shoulder, back, or knee, that’s not a good sign. If you know they’ve been exercising, working out, training, or doing physical labor, asking them if you can feel specific muscles (biceps, shoulders, calves, thighs, stomach/abs) can help bring further intimacy.

At some point, you will need to have the courage to make a move.

If you’re snuggled or cuddled together, or sitting next to each other, it can be as simple as placing their hand in a more intimate place on you or your hand on a more intimate place on them, even if the hand just rests there and doesn’t move.

You might want to offer neck, shoulder, back, or foot rubs, massages, or backscratches to get your hands on them. Allow them to return the favor if you’d like. When you have your hands on them, slowly and gently moving your hands further and further as they welcome you doing so can be one good way to start. When they have their hands on you, moaning or sighing in approval can help, as can encouraging them to move their hands further and further. 

If they welcome your hugs or embraces, you can drift your hands all over, if they allow that.

If they welcome your kisses on their cheek or forehead, maybe they’ll allow them on their lips or neck next.

Touching them in certain places with your hands or lips, with their consent, is a clear indication that the relationship is becoming sexual, even if you’re both fully clothed at the time. Remember, though, that consent to something isn’t consent to everything.

In addition to listening to what they say, pay close attention to their body language. Do they want you to continue? Are they blushing, breathing hard, smiling, giggling, looking you the eyes, closing their eyes, moaning or humming with pleasure? These are good signs.

If at least one of you is touching and kissing the other in a romantic or sexual way, with consent - congratulations, you’re on your way. Maybe one or both of you will want to remove articles of clothing from the other and/or yourselves. Maybe you’ll want to move from where you are to somewhere more comfortable.

As long as they welcome it, keep going as “far” as you want to. One or both of you might want to stop at a certain point, without having “completed” anything; that’s OK. “No,” “don’t,” “stop,” “not now,” or “wait,” from either one of you should immediately stop whatever is happening. Maybe, if you’re the one stopping them, you want them to do something else rather than stopping entirely; playfully redirect them.

Everyone has their own pace. It might take many dates to get to something you want to do. Or you might go further than you’d dreamed your first sexual encounter together would go. Be prepared to adjust and adapt. Be patient. Be kind. Usually, the goals will include getting penises erect and vaginas wet, and sometimes those things need additional help (lube, medication), and for each person to climax as many times as they want (usually through contact with the penis or clitoris), but again, things can be paused or stopped before any of those things happen, and some people have a good time even if none of those things happen. You can start cautiously, keeping things limited. If you both mutually agree to move beyond that, good!

Some things to keep in mind before and during all this:

• If this is your first time ever doing these things, meaning you’ve never had sex or “made out” with anyone ever, don’t try to hide that. Your date will almost certainly be able to tell. Eveyone starts with no experience. Everyone learns as they go. Being honest about this is best. If this person has experience, they can teach you what to do, but each person is different, so what one person likes might not be what someone else wants.

• Being nervous is usually normal and natural. It’s OK to be nervous. Just be yourself and treat the other person with care.

• You might need or prefer be meet up with, or take the other person out, in public, maybe multiple times, before getting them alone in private. What that in involves can be anything; drinks, meals/picnics, desserts, walks, hikes, moviegoing, concertgoing, visiting museums, whatever you two will enjoy. But if you’re the one asking them out, make the arrangements; don’t put planning it on them or add to their mental load. Only ask questions about what they’ll want to do if you’re unsure about their needs (for example, don’t plan a horseback riding date if they are allergic to horses.)

• There’s nothing wrong with sipping alcohol, like wine, to ease your nerves and theirs, provided neither of you is a problem drinker or has a medical situation that precludes consuming alcohol; do NOT get them drunk, however. You want them able to understand what’s happening and to be able to give consent.

• Might condoms be needed? Condoms lower the risks of pregnancy and spreading certain diseases.

• Be prepared to address concerns and hesitations they have, which are more likely to be raised by them if you’ve had an established relationship with them that has been nonsexual until now.

• If you’re bigger/stronger than this person, keep in mind they might be feeling physically vulnerable while alone with you, which is all the more reason kindness and consent matter.

• While fiction can give you some examples, remember that it’s fiction. For example, porn is fantasy and usually involves what will look appealing or arousing on-camera. It’s usually not meant to be an educational how-to video.

[UPDATE: Being a Good Lover]

Basic Facts About Sex 

Cautious Consanguinamory 

Step 4 and the rest this page might help:

https://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.