A Woman Denied Her Right to Marry the Person She Loves

There are scores of ongoing relationships I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The woman interviewed below is a mature, articulate professional who should be free to decide for herself whether or not to legally marry another consenting adult, and who that person or persons will be. Yet she and her lover face discrimination and prejudice for their love, and must hide the truth from just about everyone in their life. They aren't hurting anyone; why should they have to hide their love and be denied their rights?

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this woman has to say. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it incredibly erotic, but whatever your reaction, should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?

Assumed names are used to protect consenting adults from bigots.



*****


FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Tell us about yourself.
 Katherine: I am a legal secretary. I work at a small criminal defense firm in the midwest United States. I was raised in the southeast United States with one adopted sister and one adopted brother, with whom I grew up. My adopted parents were upper-middle class. We were raised Christian Baptist. My half-brother, Joshua, was raised in foster care in the midwest. We didn't know about each other growing up.


FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation?

My sexual orientation is pansexual, and he is bisexual. We are monogamous.


FME: You currently live with...?

We currently live together.


FME: You are in a romantic/sexual relationship with your genetic half-brother?

Yes.

We Get Letters About Consanguinamory

Anonymous left a comment after "Consensual Incest FAQ": 

When my step-father was diagnosed with cancer my mother and I became very close. It was a very dark, and lonely time for my mother, and we ended up becoming intimate with one another. It started out casually enough, but quickly lead to us becoming lovers. When my step-father lost his battle with cancer we lived together in a monogamous relationship for about five years until some family became suspicious about the nature of our relationship, and we decided to live apart. My mother and I have no regrets about becoming lovers, but as you can well imagine it hasn't been easy since I have younger siblings. We are still together today, and most of my siblings and family live out of state, so although we have decided not to live together for obvious reasons, we frequently alternate staying at each others places during the work week. 

One way consanguinamory is kindled is when someone turns to a trusted person they already love while enduring a difficult time in life. But rather than a desperate, fleeting stop-gap, it turns out to be a great match that lasts. There is no good reason this mother and her adult child should have to hide their relationship.

I will note that this blog does not support cheating. The comment didn't specify what, if any, agreements were in place between this writer's mother and stepfather, so we don't know from the comment alone whether this was cheating or not. In her situation, the mother had these basic options:

1. Stay by her dying husband's side and forgo physical affection.
2. Stay by her dying husband's side and receive physical affection from one or more other people.
3. Leave her dying husband.


These are options many people have had to face when a partner has had a debilitating illness, especially a terminal one. Everything from cancer to dementia can take away physical and emotional intimacy.  Some people would say option 1 was the only right option. But some people are ethically nonmonogamous. It is possible the mother and her husband already had an agreement regarding that, or that they made such an agreement as his health deteriorated. Whatever the case, she went with option 2 and did so very discreetly, not involving someone else in the community along with the gossip that could come with it. She turned to someone she already trusted and loved, and who would love her in return.

Whether there was an agreement in place or not, there is no reason now that these consenting adults shouldn't be free to be together. We have no laws against other people marrying or being together even if their relationship started out as cheating. Cheating is not an ideal way to start a relationship, and again, this blog does not support cheating, but that doesn't mean something that started out in such a way can't become something better.


I know it isn't something a lot of people like to think about, but along with plans for the future in terms of physical care, all of us should discuss with partners, as appropriate, what should happen in terms of sexual and emotional relationships if we are no longer of sound mind or are unable to communicate. There are people with dementia who, while unable to even remember that they're married, are still apparently able to initiate, accept, or decline sexual advances. There are many varying decisions caused by such realities. You can put a spouse in a home due to their need for around-the-clock professional care, and when you visit, you might find that spouse holding hands with another resident. That spouse doesn't remember they're married. Should you object? Should you refrain from having any romantic or sexual relationships with anyone else while your spouse is alive, living in that care facility, knowing they don't even remember who you are and will not regain that knowledge?

This isn't meant to be a downer. I suppose this is another reminder that life is short and if consenting adults have found happiness with each other and want to be together, no stranger sitting in a prosecutor's office or on a bench should try to stop them.

A Polyamorous Mother Denied Her Rights

This is the thirty-eighth ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The woman the interview below is a responsible adult, someone you might live next to or work with, in consensual relationships with other adults. Yet they face discrimination and prejudice for their love, having to hide the truth. They are clearly intelligent, responsible people and it is cruel to discriminate against them or deny them their rights.

Read the interview below and ask yourself if there is one good reason why people like this person,  should be denied the right to marry all of the consenting adults she love and have their marriages treated equally under the law or should have to hide the full, true nature of their relationship from anyone.


*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your background.

Rhian Ruari: I'm a college educated Demisexual bi-romantic white cis-woman in her 30s.  I work in education.  I write, read, bike, cook and watch DVDs with my loved ones, and making things with my kids.  I love being productive, work more than I should, and I love scheduling and organizing, planning and driving.  I live on the west coast in a house with H and W and our children, G and B.

H is a grad-level educated cishet Latino man in his mid 30s.  He's a scientist, who loves to read,  hike, bike and other random outdoors activities. 

W is in his mid-twenties, is a white cis male who is bi-romantic and mostly heterosexual.  He bikes, cooks, gardens, reads, loves the outdoors and likes dating.


FME: Are you legally married or have you ever been legally married?

H and I are legally married,  and have been for about a decade and a half...together for longer.  W has never been legally attached to anyone (although we have power of attorney papers) and M (H's white cishet girlfriend) has also never been married or legally partnered.  W short-hands our relationship as married, though...and we've talked about how nice having some sort of ceremony would be.

Casting Call

Here's another casting call. In communicating with the person who sent me this, it sounds like they are open to any "unconventional" or "forbidden" adult relationships. So, if you're not sure if they'd be interested in you, contact them to find out. This sounds like a friendly production, but as I always say, it is up to you and your loved ones whether or not you want to be involved with media. The decision to be out and so prominent has to be up to you and your partners. Visibility helps, but visibility comes with risks until protections against discrimination are in place.

If you decide to go for it, let us know how it goes (in so far as any confidentiality agreement allows).

Text from the casting call...

We are looking for people in loving and honest relationships that epitomize MODERN LOVE!

At first glance, would some consider your relationship unconventional; but underneath the surface, its undeniable? We are seeking partnerships to highlight in this groundbreaking new television series.

If you and your main squeeze are in an aspirational relationship that defies tradition but works for you, apply now!

Our simple and secure online form can be located here:
http://mactioncasting.formstack.com/forms/truelove
or text “truelove” to (424) 281 - 7073

Even if you just want more information, shoot me a text. There is zero commitment to participate!

MAC Worldwide Inc
7551 Sunset Blvd, #205
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Dear Boies and Olson: Please Keep Working For Equal Rights

The American Foundation for Equal Rights (AFER) has announced they will shut down, just like Freedom to Marry has announced. Have we achieved equal rights for all adults? No. We haven't even achieved full marriage equality. So as we did with Freedom to Marry, we encourage AFER to reconsider and to continue the work that needs to be done, because there is still so much progress to make. David Boies and Ted Olson can make more history.

Dear Evan Wolfson: Please Keep Freedom to Marry Going

Evan Wolfson and everyone at Freedom to Marry have done a lot of good in helping the US progress to getting the nationwide limited same-gender freedom to marry. That we applaud with great enthusiasm and joy. That we don't applaud is plans to shut down the organization. From a report at reason.com by Scott Shackford...

The group, founded in 2003 by civil rights lawyer Evan Wolfson to fight for same-sex marriage recognition, is marking the occasion by having a big party and then doing something unusual in non-profit activist circles: It's going away. The party was last week—Vice President Joe Biden and pop singer Carly Rae Jepsen (remember "Call Me, Maybe"?) joined the celebration. Now, as the Wall Street Journal explains, it's time to shut it all down:

The next morning, Mr. Wolfson said he and his "bleary-eyed" team met to plan the shutdown. Most of the 30 or so on staff will be gone by December, he said, while "a little rump of us" will remain to turn out the lights in February.

For many of the same reasons this blog will continue, Freedom to Marry should also continue. There is still so much progress to be made. Here are just a few reasons why Freedom to Marry can still do a lot of good:

1) There are still adults in the US who do not have the freedom to marry (or even simply be with) the person(s) they love, including many LGBT people. We need full marriage equality.

2) Other countries need help, including from the US, to move towards marriage equality.

3) Marriages will need protection in legislatures, administrations, and courts. Even though a decision by the US Supreme Court should settle the matter in the US, there are still going to be attacks, foot-dragging, noncompliance, and all sorts of ways marriages will be denied equal treatment. Many people can testify that having specific civil rights legislation in place has not ensured everyone has their rights; vigilance is needed.

4) Supreme Court decisions have been reversed before. A 5-4 decision isn't a safe as we'd like to believe. A new President will be elected in 2016. Will the new President make the right appointments to the Court and lower courts?

5) We need a federal Marriage Equality Amendment. Who better to lobby for it?

Let's keep going until every adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion is free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults, without fear of prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

What do ya say? Let's reward the staff for their success so far by keeping them employed in the work that's still ahead.

Anonymous Comment Claims Polyamorous Consanguinamory

Given that many find the subject matter to be controversial already, we try to keep this blog as Safe For Work as possible. Every once in a while, someone leaves a comment that I can't print exactly as left. Such was the case with Anonymous. I hope this Anonymous contacts me through email for further correspondence. Below, if you dare to read, is a polyamorous consanguinamorous relationship as described by Anonymous, who left the comments after this blog's most popular entry.



***PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS SUBMISSION BY ANONYMOUS HAS A HEAVY EMPHASIS ON SEXUAL INTERACTION***

Dr. Phil is Looking For Suckers

I've only caught a few moments here and there of Dr. Phil's show, so maybe I'm reading this wrong, but here is a casting call for his show...

Are You in a Polygamous Relationship?

Are you currently in a relationship with two or more people? Is one or more of your partners against being a part of a polygamous relationship? Is one or more of your partners ready to end the relationship if you don’t make a choice between them? Are you interested in starting a relationship with a second partner? Is your decision to be in a polygamous relationship ruining your relationship with your children or your family? Do you want to end you relationship with one or more of your partners?

Again, maybe I'm wrong, but I highly doubt the show will respect polymorous or polygamous relationships. The way this is written, it could attract, for example, a FMF triad, at least one member of which is having trouble with her/his parents, and thinking the show might attempt to help them with that. But I picture an episode that is all about trying to tell people involved in ethical nonmonogamy why they are wrong. The producers will probably be looking for polygynous relationships only, and their focus will probably be painting the women as victims of some arrogant or cheating man.

Maybe I'm wrong. I'd like to be in this case.


But let's keep in mind:



1. An episode is only going to have a maximum of 45 minutest of content. That ends up being a very short amount of time, especially if they also have someone on the stage with you who is a vocal opponent of nonmonogamy.

2. Dr. Phil and his staff will edit and control the narrative. If someone thinks they're going to go on there and expose how there are no good arguments for condemning all ethical nonmonogamy, any success is doing so won't make it to air. Do you really think they'll allow Dr. Phil to be portrayed as anything other than wise, correct, and in control?



3. The in-studio audience is likely to be overwhelmingly heterosexual cisgender monogamist women. There's nothing wrong with being a heterosexual cisgender monogamist woman, but the ones in-studio are likely to be hostile towards ethical nonmonogamy (at least by men), and they will not identify sympathetically with any guest on the show who wants nonmonogamy or to be with a polygynous man.

4. The target audience of the show is women who look to Dr. Phil for guidance.

Again, maybe I'm wrong about this. If you watch the show regularly, is there any indication that Dr. Phil would be anything but hostile towards ethical nonmonogamy? I think it would be great if the show had a FFF triad and some of their parents who were having a trough time accepting the relationship. But somehow I doubt that's going to happen.