Consanguinamorous Dating

We've talked much about how to live in a consanguinamorous relationship, but only a little about how to initiate one.

What about dating?

As with other relationships, your curiosity or sexual attraction might not be enough, and dating helps figure out if there could be mutual interest and attraction, and compatibility; it helps you get to know each other better, see if you can have fun together, see if you're a match, and bond more.

For some of you, there is a big difference between dating a relative or family member and someone else, because the other person might not know that you intend this to be dating in the romantic or sexual sense. It's a problem many LGBTQ+ people have faced before, and some continue to face, depending on where they live. On the plus side, you usually know a lot about this person already. In that way, it can be like starting to date a close friend: Can you be "more than" friends? In this case, it is can you be "more than" siblings or whatever your relation is? Dating can help figure that out. Even if people already know they are mutually attracted and interested, dating can be a way to see if they are actually compatible.

You want to get them to think of you as a potential partner instead of only as a sibling, or their nephew or niece, or cousin, or whatever, which is usually going to include thinking of you as a sexual being and maybe even a romantic person. Your loved one might feel more amorous once they are on what feels like a date.

Plan the dates. Think of something they'd enjoy that will get them feeling relaxed, playful, valued, appreciated, uninhibited, attractive, sexy, and/or romantic. Ideally, the dates will allow you substantial moments of privacy, during which the two of you will be alone with each other. As one of countless options, this might mean you taking this person out to dinner and then back home, where you'll be alone. Tell this person you'd like to do something special with them and ask them when they'd be available. When you agree on a day and time, tell them how they'll need to prepare (for example, if they need to wear a tie or prepare for a walk or hike), and then say "Great, so it's a date!" Use the wording best for you, but calling it "a date" can help frame their thinking. If they object to the word "date" you can play it off like it was just a figure of speech.

Date like you're dating anyone else. The more you can act like this is a date date, the better. Be washed up, groomed, and made up as you would for any other date. Make sure they know when you arrive that you're looking them over approvingly. Compliment them. Hug and kiss them as allowed - making hugs and kisses more furtive, as allowed. Would you normally open doors for a dating partner, or wait for your dating partner to open doors for you? Do that on this date. The same goes for offering an arm or taking an arm, holding hands, pulling out chairs, taking coats, all of those things.

When interacting with other people, avoid revealing your relation to those other people. Don't say "This is my sister, Jane." Say "This is Jane," or even better, if you can get away with it, "This is my lovely date, Jane." It can even get to the point of role playing, such as when you're approaching your place or theirs, saying things like, "I've had a great evening so far with you, Mr./Ms. Smith, I hope it's not over quite yet," or "...won't you come inside with me?" This encourages you two to get playful.

Put away the electronic devices unless you must show them something. You want them to know you are concentrating on them, paying attention to them.

Look for opportunities to touch them and be next to them. Having dinner out? Try to sit next to them instead of across from them.

Continue to smile at them, flirt with them, compliment them, "joke" with them.

Ask them questions, look at them, especially in the eyes, and listen to them talk. Try to get them to talk as much as you can by asking open-ended questions about what they're doing, what they want to do, what they think about various subjects, what their goals and dreams are, what they want out of life. Depending on how much you normally talk with them, you might know which topics they can talk about endlessly. But there is always more to get out of them. We all have thoughts we don't share with everyone in our families. Carefully steer the conversation into relationships, dating, sex, romance, etc. If you can do that, you can further steer the conversation into topics like...

• turn ons and turn offs (you can mention things about them as turn ons, without pointing out it is about them)
• what they're looking for in a lover and a relationship
• what you're looking for (you can describe them without pointing out that it is them)
• if they consider themselves adventurous when it comes to relationships and sex
• what they think about "taboo" or "forbidden" relationships
• you think as long as everyone involved is consenting it should be up to them
• whether they've ever wanted to be with someone many people would say is taboo, or if they can imagine having feelings for or doing things with a close relative
• you describing an erotic dream that involved them (make it up if you have to, and if they don't react well, you can dismiss it as dreams being weird)
  

Talking, especially about those things, will give you more of an idea if there is compatibility and possibly some mutual interest. It allows them to signal if they would NOT be interested, without directly turning YOU down. These talks might need to take place over several dates, or might be able to be covered in your first date.

If all of that goes well and it seems you could be compatible and they could possibly interested, you can move things forward one of two ways: through talk or through action.

Talk: If you can be vulnerable, muster up your courage, and ask them if they might be willing to explore with you being "more" than siblings (or whatever your relationship is).

There are three basic reactions they could have to that:

1) "No way!" The worst case scenario is that they are repelled by the idea or otherwise just couldn't go there with you. This might make things awkward, or they might be flattered but can't reciprocate your feelings. This person loves you; they're not going to hate you. You need to respect their feelings and their decline to consent. Apologize for making them feel uncomfortable and try to move the subject onto something light and positive. There is the possibility that their initial reaction will be out of surprise, and after they think about it for a while (which could be hours, or could be months) they will change their answer, but that's only going to be possible if you react well to their response. If your date is your parent, they might wonder what they did wrong to cause you to feel this way and think you need therapy; assure them they've done nothing wrong.

2) "Yes." 

3) "YES!!!" Some people need the other person to make the "first move." Some women interested in men need the man to make the first move. Sometimes the older person needs the younger person to make the first move. This is very common, for example, when it comes to mothers and sons.

"I need to think about this." could be a softer way of saying no. Or, it could actually be a yes. Time will tell. Some people need "permission" to explore, think about it, fantasize about it, try it; maybe they've had the same thoughts and feelings but they didn't think they should. This might help.

"But what about..." "But that's incest..." could be ways of expressing interest but also fear. Be prepared to deal with those concerns, appealing to their mind, heart, and libido. Assure them you can keep private things private, and what happens between consenting lovers is nobody else's business. You love them, they love you, and affection between people who love each other isn't a bad thing. You can go slowly and if it isn't working for either of you, you can stop.

Action: You might prefer, or find it easier, to let your body do the talking, such as with touching or passionate kissing. As with dating anyone else, consent is essential, and do what works for the two of you, but at some point you're going to have to talk about what's going on.

When You Both Know You Are Dating: If you're getting or have gotten physical or know you both want to, there are things you'll need to discuss if you haven't already. Is this a "family with benefits" situation? Something that could be a spousal relationship? Or something between? What are the rules of your relationship? Some people mostly limit the sexual side of their relationship to one room. Everywhere else, they're strictly family. Some are strictly monogamous with each other. Some consent to be nonmonogamous. Some still look for partners outside of the family. These things should be discussed, not just assumed, one way or the other.

Considering the bigotry that exists against consanguinamory, you're going to need to trust this person with your life. Can you trust them to keep your secrets? Assure them that they can trust you to be discrete and keep private things private.

Ideas For Dates

The best dates will let you talk with each other and will give you substantial time alone together in private. Seeing a movie in a cinema shouldn't be an entire date as you won't have much time to talk, but if there is a movie you know this other person wants to see, it can be a great reason to get them alone with you, and you can do something together after you treat them to the movie.

You know this person, and you know yourself, so you can figure out what to do for a date. If the date can consist of, or lead to, you two spending time alone together in your place or their place or in a hotel room, that is the ideal.

Be careful about being where people know your relation and public displays of affection. The time-honored makeout spot to which you can drive might get the hint across, but you don't need a police officer getting involved.

Dates do not need to be expensive. They can be as simple as preparing or buying their favorite finger foods and joining them on the couch or sofa to watch a movie or show that won't be a turnoff, feeding each other the food.

Walks, hikes, picnics, beachgoing, visiting art galleries or museums, attending concerts or plays, dancing, wining and dining, sight-seeing, are things some people are going to find to be better dates than others.

At home, making and/or enjoying a meal together, card games and other games, watching movies or shows, massages and rubdowns, hot tubbing and skinny dipping, reading books or stories to each other, and more can be great things to do together.

Be open to "spontaneous dates" as well. If they need to go do something, offer to take them or meet them there, and try to make a date out of it. Spending time together is essential.

Also, vacations, road trips, and camping are things relatives might do together that can also function as extended dates, especially if nobody around you knows of your relation.

For simplicity, this is all written regarding two people dating. There may be situations in which there are three or more people who would be on a date with the intention, or your intention anyway, that you'd be dating both/all of them. Mostly, the same principles and tactics apply and are adaptable. It can be even better if you and one of the other people are already dating or together, and trying to date the other person(s).

If you have experiences with actually dating a relative or family member, feel free to share those in the comments below, which can be anonymous, or contact Keith.