Siblings, stepsiblings, cousins, and other close relatives have been exploring, experimenting with, and playing with each other for all of history. This includes, when they are close in age, during adolescence and childhood.
Playing “house,” playing “doctor,” “show me yours, I’ll show you mine,” and various acts of curiosity are very common. As long as aggression or fear isn’t used to create the experience, it’s generally not considered abuse or otherwise problematic for, as an example, siblings who are 10 and 13 to have explored a bit; even less so if the siblings who are, say, 14 and 17 get sexual, or have (deliberately) watched each other or, together, someone else in the residence or connected with the family getting sexual.
Again, this isn’t referring to something forceful, coerced, or done under duress or threats. Abuse is an entirely different matter beyond the scope of this topic.
Over the years, I’ve been contacted by people who had such experiences, wondering if it was OK that they happened, some feeling “guilty,” or asking if it is unusual that they don’t regret it, maybe if and how to bring the subject up with the other person(s) who were involved.
These experiences are normal, natural, and not rare. There’s nothing wrong with or harmful about youthful curiosity and exploration.
If you weren’t the eldest participant, the person who was the eldest or elder would almost certainly benefit from hearing from you that you don’t regret it and you think of it as a positive or neutral experience, as opposed to an abusive or otherwise negative one. (If that is, indeed, how you feel about it.)
But how and when should you talk with them? What should you say?
It’s best to talk with them one-on-one, privately, in-person.
If you won’t be seeing them in-person anytime soon and you absolutely can’t wait, still ensure that the conversation is private, just between the two of you. A live video call is best, a live audio call is second best, followed by texting in a secure messaging app, especially with expiring (disappearing) messages, and it will be essential that you keep your wording somewhat vague - vague enough that if other people hear it or read it they wouldn’t be able to prove conclusively what happened.
You’re probably going to be nervous, and that’s OK. You’ll just have to have the courage to go ahead and be awkward about it.
Say something along the lines of, “I’ve been thinking some good thoughts about some good memories. I want you to know that I think back on the times we shared privately when we were kids as good times. I thought it might be important for you to know that.” Or, use words that will be positive and effective between the two of you. I deliberately chose to use the word “good” right away and repeat it so as to put the other person at ease. Add a “thank you” if appropriate. Starting off with “We need to talk,” or something like that can cause someone undue worry and defensiveness.
Their reaction might range from denial and refusing to talk about it, to slight embarrassment, to being relieved, to wanting to “pick up where you left off.” Telling them is highly unlikely to have a down side. If they’re in denial, “don’t remember,” or don’t want to talk about it at that moment, don’t push it. Allow them their time.
If, conversely, you were the eldest/elder, it can be risky to reopen that matter first, meaning the younger person hasn’t mentioned what happened since it last happened or soon after. Even if you were absolutely certain (and correct) that this was a mutually positive experience, societal prejudices, shame, and fear might have influenced how someone else remembers what happened. If you do raise the subject, the spectrum of potential reactions is much wider, especially if you don’t currently have a close and positive relationship with this person now. As such, if you bring it up, it should start with asking them how they’re doing and how they feel about your shared youth.
If things go well and you do want to “pick up where you left off,” this might help. It’s is possible for all involved to have no regrets AND not agree to do anything together now, so never assume that just because you had some moment in your youth that anything will happen now.
As always, your comments that follow the rules are welcome and you can write to Keith privately via email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or on the Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality.
![Non-Monogamy Diagram [I:FV]](http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy2.5.1.gif){kind=link}
In connection with the topic raised by Keith, I would like to share one observation regarding posts on Reddit and other resources dedicated to victims of rape, abuse and molestation.
ReplyDeleteAnd I want to say right away that I strongly condemn people who force their relatives and outsiders to have sexual acts with them. But that's not what I'm talking about in this comment.
In addition to the revelations of true abuse and rape, the resources I have named contain many complaints about how past sexual contacts in various forms ( violent and nonviolent) with family members, even the lightest ones, negatively affected the authors' feelings and behavior later.
They complain that these contacts led to their hypersexuality, to long-term depression, caused many psychological and pathological syndromes, destroyed their "normal" relationships with "traditional" partners, affected their career successes and family life and so on.
Many claim that they liked "it" back then, and it wasn't until adulthood that they realized how terrible and disgusting it was, and that their accomplices in childhood experiments were sexual predators.
Many claim that they were bullied, harassed, and afraid to tell adults for various reasons: from unwillingness to endanger an accomplice to fear of being subjected to physical punishment.
However, in many confessions, there is a sense of falseness and a desire to pose as a victim where, in fact, there was mutual consent. And I have a suspicion that most of the complainants are simply looking (with the active participation of their shrinks) for the cause of their life failures not in themselves but in others, including members of their own families, with whom they often just experimented as Keith described such cases.
On the other hand, many examples are described when even the youngest children, not to mention teenagers, at the slightest hint of sexual attempts by peer family member, immediately reported them to adult family members and received support. Not to mention that if parents or guardians neglect their duties, children and teenagers have long known that they have the opportunity to complain about unwanted sexual harassment to school teachers, and that this will always lead to the most decisive actions in their defense.
Those who really do not want sexual contact in the family can always stand up for themselves, starting from a principled rebuff against abuser' deeds and ending with complaints to "all authorities." Children have long been preparing for such a challenge both at school and at home. In other words, any child, not to mention a teenager, who wants to stand up for them has every opportunity to do so.
As for the accusations of children sexual experimentation in causing hypersexuality, it is appropriate to use the logic like "which came first - the chicken or the egg?" I am sure that the so-called hypersexuality is innate, possibly hereditary, and does not arise under the influence of external factors. So this tendency to high-intensity sexual experimentation and later to intense adult sexuality, is not a consequence of children's games, but rather, children's sexual games etc. are the result of an innate increased libido given to the specific child by nature.
I repeat, I do not carry out victim blaming. I sincerely sympathize with the true victims of sexual violence, wherever it occurs - in the family, at school, on the street, on the playground or anywhere else. I just want to say that many of the seemingly terrible complaints of women and men about the sexual abuse they experienced in childhood from siblings and cousins are, to put it mildly, greatly exaggerated. Unfortunately, such half-truths and untruths about children's sexual games and experiments with their peer relatives give consanguinamory opponents a powerful unfair weapon that greatly harms the cause of Full Marriage Equality.
Great comment, so true
DeleteI fully agree with what was said in the article and especially in this last comment. Hypersexuality—perhaps not always, but often—is an innate trait of a person, something natural and normal, not acquired as a result of more or less negative events. And I can also say that there is a genetic component—I’ve seen it in my family, in my parents, grandparents, and some of my uncles; I’ve seen it in myself, though not, for example, in my two brothers; and I’m seeing it now in my children as well. Fortunately, my wife has been open-minded and has understood this, even though she herself is not hypersexual.
DeleteOf course, cinema and television have a negative attitude towards consanguinamory. But it's interesting to see how the nuances of the stories come out, and how the authors /scriptwriters/ producers / directors try to make their products more believable and instructive (based on their conformist beliefs). Sometimes they even have a hint of sympathy.
ReplyDeleteI recently watched the series Criminal Minds again, and in episode 19 of season 4 the FBI (behavioral analysis) actions were described to investigate a series of arson attacks in a small town that claimed many lives.
It seemed that the criminal was local and was taking revenge on all the residents of the town. However, the FBI subsequently concluded that the main target was a young recently married man.
Upon further investigation, it turned out that the wife of the last victim had once had a brother who had not been seen in the city for a long time. It was also found out that both siblings were orphaned as a result of the fire and were placed in the care of their relatives.
Then the chief of police and others remembered that the brother and sister were very close, they were always together and showed love for each other that went "beyond the bounds of decency."
And then the facts surfaced that as a result of hatred of the alleged "incest" in any form, the brother and sister, especially the brother, began to be subjected to severe bullying at school, and the brother was beaten more than once by unknown people, but the police practically turned a blind eye to it. Teachers, neighbors, and other residents contributed to the harassment.
Eventually, the brother was sent to an orphanage hundreds of miles away from his hometown, and the siblings haven't seen each other in years.
But the brother retained a deep love for his sister, and having learned from somewhere that she had married, he decided to take revenge on the offenders and kill a rival.
The ending of the episode is quite expected, but with a sharp tragic note, extremely rare in our public culture.
A brother comes to his sister's house, and they go to their favorite secluded place (some old building, I don't remember). There he says that he loves his sister and asks her to leave with him. Although the sister also had feelings for her brother, she guessed that he was an arsonist and a murderer and refused to follow him. To make everything more effective, the screenwriter and director forced the brother to decide to kill his sister in a state of passion (although it somehow did not look serious). Fortunately, the FBI and police arrived, and brother's love for his sister prevented him from new murder.
The most unusual thing is the pity of the main characters of the series for the unfortunate siblings and the shame of the police officers for how they once reacted to the manifestation of the forbidden love of a brother and sister for each other.
Is our society really changing?
I don't know, but such a humane portrayal of consanguinamory between teenagers and young people makes us believe that our world has not completely descended into bigotry and hypocrisy.
Hi Leo, have you seen the film A Simple Favour?
ReplyDelete