Saturday, March 16, 2024

You Did the Taboo - Now What?

So you've had sex* with your close relative or family member, whether a cousin, brother, sister, mom, dad, son, daughter, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, grandparent, or grandchild. Or maybe more than one of those. "What have I done?" you might have asked, or "Now what?" This can be so whether these are your blood relatives, adoptive relatives, or step relations.

There may or may not be feelings of elation, confusion, awkwardness, guilt, shame, and... a strong desire to do it again.

It is important for you to know...

1) You're not alone. I guarantee you know someone else who has had similar experiences. Most people keep quiet about them, but you'd be surprised who in your life has had consanguineous sexual encounters. Some of these situations might be like yours.

2) What happened could have been a normal, natural reaction to the circumstances. People have been having consanguineous sex for as long as there have been people. Some people are consanguinamorous in their orientation. Some people are brought together by reunion GSA. But even if neither of those apply to you, what could be unnatural or abnormal about people who find each other attractive or are curious sharing affection or recreation, especially if they love each other?

3) There isn't necessarily anything wrong with you, what happened, or with continuing. If this was by mutual consent or agreement then it isn't wrong. It might be wrong if it violated an existing agreement with someone else that you intend to pretend is still intact (cheating). But absent cheating, any guilt or shame you feel is likely from internalization of external prejudices and sex-negative attitudes. Simply put, someone else told you it is wrong. But what would be wrong about loving each other this way? Affection, meaning consensual affection, isn't a bad thing. Incest encounters that involve abuse or incestuous assault are bad. Not consanguinamorous affection.

4) Participants need to communicate. Where relationships are examined and discussed, you'll repeatedly see people stress the need for communication. This is even more apparent in spaces where consensual nonmonogamy or ethical nonomonogamy (such as polyamory) is discussed. It holds true for in a relationship involving consanguinamory, too. (And speaking of ethical nonmonogamy, you might want to consider it, depending on the circumstances.)

If you and your lover(s) didn't discuss your feelings, boundaries, expectations, concerns, and desires at length before, you should definitely have a good talk. Reassure them that you wanted this and enjoyed it and want to do it again (if those things are true).

As with any romantic or sexual relationship, you'll need to figure out the rules and the boundaries together. Will this be family-with-benefits, or a spousal-style relationship, or something on the wide spectrum between? Will this be an open or closed relationship, and what is meant by "open?" Will you push off these decisions until things settle down a bit? There are no wrong answers to these questions, only what works for those of you involved.

5) A honeymoon phase may happen. It can be normal that your and/or your new partner(s) want to do it all of the time, now that you have done it. And it can be normal for that to ease up a bit later. As with any other relationship, there could be times when you are more affectionate than others.

6) Envy is a thing. If someone else is aware of the additional bond to your relationship, they might be envious, even if they don't want to admit that's what it is. This might help them.

7) Haters are going to hate. You may need to protect yourself and each other from the controlling and hateful. Laws vary in some places, and there may still be unjust laws where you are that criminalize your love, which emboldens the haters. Even more widespread than criminalization is discrimination in marriage law. Because of these things, consanguinamorous relationships can have more difficulties than others. The good news is that the overwhelming majority of consanguineous lovers are never outed to the wrong people. But some special planning might be in order.

8) Reaching out can help. Reaching out to connect with supportive, understanding, experienced people can help. You are not alone. Anyone is welcome to contact Keith and also to check out Kindred Spirits.

You are welcome to comment below, including anonymously.

*Please note that this is about mutual affection or experimentation, not abuse.

If you haven't done it yet, this might help.

If you're still young, this might help.

So, whether you've slept with your sister or made out with your son, or whichever relative with whom you're getting frisky, hopefully this post has helped you.
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  1. get rid of man-made laws!

    1. Laws are meant for man , not man for the laws.

  2. I'm so happy I found this. I'm a mom, early 40s. My son who is in college and I, stuck home together, were both getting restless. I thought extreme times call for extreme measures. But three weeks later i want to keep going after all of this stay home stuff is over. Cant believe I'm admitting this.

    1. Anonymous, thanks for commenting. If you haven't done so already, please do email me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com

    2. Why not share the details of how you took the initiative and how did you deduce that he reciprocates the desire?
      Keep it mutual and enjoy.Not even your or his best friend should know.
      Now you are each others'friends.

  3. Thank you so much for this info!

    Last week me and my cousin had sex and we felt like criminals.
    like we committed the worst crime in history!

    We spend the last hour reading this blog and we fell better now.
    I even admired to her that it was the best sex in my life, and she agrees.

    we have decide to continue this relationship and see where it goes.

    1. There is no such thing as a crime unless you harm someone including yourself or get caught with your cousin in compromising position.
      Keep it between the two of you and perish the guilt.

  4. Thank you for this, I'm still struggling with all that and sometimes is hard.

    1. Please don’t hesitate to email me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com

  5. I’m so glad I found this. It makes me feel so much better that I am not alone in what we are doing. We love one another, we enjoy our time, we want so much more, but laws and society make it so difficult. I feel like unless you have been here in this situation you really can not and should not judge. Until I did this I was that person who thought “never would I do that”, I proved myself wrong.

    1. You are NOT alone. You are welcome to reach out to me via email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

  6. I've been on this journey with my son. I had some of the best support in developing a sexual relationship with him and even then it was hard and I often wondered if i was doing the right thing. Though logic of the restrictions society has taught us to accept fall apart pretty quickly if you just think them through, it's harder to disentangle the emotional connection you had to these restrictions and the stigma fear of being different.

    My husband was incredibly supportive and encouraging and I talked to others online who really helped me through. I'm continually shocked how many people secretly support us. I have very rarely told anyone and had a negative reaction. Now I feel free and happy in things as they are.

    To any person reading this who feels bad about the feelings, desires, or situations like this: don't worry. Thing through what your doing and if everyone is happy then continue. Don't let a little fright or desire to be "normal" (whatever that may be) get in the way of something you know will bring joy and connection.


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