Monday, January 1, 2024

For Parents Considering Consanguinamory

One of the popular pages on this blog is this Courting Consanguinamory page, which has helped a lot of people. That page is generalized, though, about starting any consanguinamorous relationship. This entry below is adapted from an answer I gave on Quora, to a parent who was asking about starting a consanguinamorous bond with their adult daughter. Most of it is adaptable to those considering being with a son, too.

Contrary to myths, this not illegal everywhere. There are a couple of US states and many countries in which it is not illegal for an adult to have sex with their parent(s). Also, there are mentally healthy women who will confide that this was one of the best experiences of their lives. Even where still illegal, very few such relationships are ever brought to the attention of law enforcement, thankfully.

You’d need to be delicate about doing this, not clumsy or rushed. You don’t want to put any pressure on her nor upset her.

Do you know if she is attracted to people of your gender? Could she be attracted to, or sexual with, someone your age? These are things you can find out by talking with her without making it clear that you would like to add a sexual or romantic bond with her.

The more you talk with her, especially about sex, relationships, and societal prejudices/taboos about sex and relationships (and how taboos against consenting adults being together are ridiculous), the better. This is especially so if you’re listening most of the time, rather than talking. Ask her open-ended questions to get her to talk, and listen closely to what she says, how she says it, and pay attention to her body language.

Eventually, if she hasn’t done so already, you can bring up the topic of adults being with a parent. But you should do this in the abstract; don’t make it about you and her specifically. Make it about the general idea of it. You can do that by referencing a news item, book, movie, or online discussion or story you saw, one of these interviews, someone you knew a long time ago, or even a dream you had (even if you have to make up the "thing you saw" or the "dream you had.") If she doesn’t like the idea or is upset by it, you know you can’t go any further. But if her reaction isn’t negative, you might want to keep going with the discussions.

Then you can flirt (more) with her, joke (more) with her, add compliments that are more about her appeal as a potential partner. The compliments shouldn’t be crude. This should allow you to convey the message that you recognize that she is a sexual person and for you to indicate that you are a sexual person. If you do this the right way, it still allows her to say “no” without it being explicit that you would like to have sex with her. If you do this right, the worst case scenario so far is that you’re secretly disappointed that a sexual bond won't be added to your relationship, but you two will be emotionally closer.

As with any other person, respect her boundaries and her “no”s.

If the totality of what has happened to this point indicates she’d be open to considering sexual affection, increase the flirting in so far as she is comfortable with it. Also, gently increase the physical affection between the two of you as she allows, with more and tighter hugs, longer and more sensual kisses, touching her as you pass by her, that sort of thing.

Date her. Dates can be a nice evening at home together with her favorite dinner (make it or buy it) and watching a nice movie (one that won’t be a turn-off) while cuddled up together. You should know where to take it from here.

Again, as with anyone, respect their boundaries and their “no”, if they give one. It can be pushing away, it can be “Don’t!” it can be “Stop!” Anything like that.

Taking things slow is OK. She might need to pause things to think them through. Or she might be eager. Or she might be tentative or hesitant. Or she might not ever want to be sexual with you. You won't be certain unless you try what is written above or on the generalized page.

The goal is to check to see if there could be mutual interest in a sexual or romantic relationship while allowing either of you to back out of what is going on with minimal negative results. If she couldn't go there with you, hopefully she'll never even realize that was what you were hoping to explore. But if she does want to share this with you, this will allow for her to either initiate if she wants or to accept your initiation without feeling pressured.

As with any relationship, it will be important for you to talk with each other about needs, expectations, and boundaries. For some, a family-with-benefits arrangement is best. The possibilities are almost endless, depending on what everyone involved wants, including living together as spouses.

If you need to talk to someone about this, please contact Keith. The best ways are via email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or on the Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality.

If you think she will receive it well, you might want to send her this link.

This is far more common than most people think. To help people avoid hateful bigots interfering, I wrote...

How Consanguineous Lovers Can Avoid Trouble

How To Pull Off Living With Your Consanguinamorous Partners

Keeping the Closet Door Closed

If you haven't decided if you should try to add this bond to your relationship, this might help you decide.

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  1. Keith, can you edit in a link to the specific question on Quora? Thanks, UN

    1. Done. I am putting it here, too:

  2. why can’t parents, grandparents, or great grandparents love their adult relatives?

  3. It's true that there are families that aren't interested in having consanguinamorous relationships, but it's also true that there are those that do want to have such relationships, even have some of the best experiences of their lives because of it. As a society, we need to recognize this and see that such a love can be of great benefit to those involved. Love should not be restricted in its expression, especially that between family members.

  4. I think as a parent you know your daughter and whether she is open to this or not, especially if she has been brought up to be open minded. People always step carefully in these situations.


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