Contrary to myths, this not illegal everywhere. There are a couple of US states and many countries in which it is not illegal for an adult to have sex with their parent(s). Also, there are mentally healthy women who will confide that this was one of the best experiences of their lives. Even where still illegal, very few such relationships are ever brought to the attention of law enforcement, thankfully.
You’d need to be delicate about doing this, not clumsy or rushed. You don’t want to put any pressure on her nor upset her.
Do you know if she is attracted to people of your gender? Could she be attracted to, or sexual with, someone your age? These are things you can find out by talking with her without making it clear that you would like to add a sexual or romantic bond with her.
The more you talk with her, especially about sex, relationships, and societal prejudices/taboos about sex and relationships (and how taboos against consenting adults being together are ridiculous), the better. This is especially so if you’re listening most of the time, rather than talking. Ask her open-ended questions to get her to talk, and listen closely to what she says, how she says it, and pay attention to her body language.
Eventually, if she hasn’t done so already, you can bring up the topic of adults being with a parent. But you should do this in the abstract; don’t make it about you and her specifically. Make it about the general idea of it. You can do that by referencing a news item, book, movie, or online discussion or story you saw, one of these interviews, someone you knew a long time ago, or even a dream you had (even if you have to make up the "thing you saw" or the "dream you had.") If she doesn’t like the idea or is upset by it, you know you can’t go any further. But if her reaction isn’t negative, you might want to keep going with the discussions.
Then you can flirt (more) with her, joke (more) with her, add compliments that are more about her appeal as a potential partner. The compliments shouldn’t be crude. This should allow you to convey the message that you recognize that she is a sexual person and for you to indicate that you are a sexual person. If you do this the right way, it still allows her to say “no” without it being explicit that you would like to have sex with her. If you do this right, the worst case scenario so far is that you’re secretly disappointed that a sexual bond won't be added to your relationship, but you two will be emotionally closer.
As with any other person, respect her boundaries and her “no”s.
If the totality of what has happened to this point indicates she’d be open to considering sexual affection, increase the flirting in so far as she is comfortable with it. Also, gently increase the physical affection between the two of you as she allows, with more and tighter hugs, longer and more sensual kisses, touching her as you pass by her, that sort of thing.
Date her. Dates can be a nice evening at home together with her favorite dinner (make it or buy it) and watching a nice movie (one that won’t be a turn-off) while cuddled up together. You should know where to take it from here.
Again, as with anyone, respect their boundaries and their “no”, if they give one. It can be pushing away, it can be “Don’t!” it can be “Stop!” Anything like that.
Taking things slow is OK. She might need to pause things to think them through. Or she might be eager. Or she might be tentative or hesitant. Or she might not ever want to be sexual with you. You won't be certain unless you try what is written above or on the generalized page.
The goal is to check to see if there could be mutual interest in a sexual or romantic relationship while allowing either of you to back out of what is going on with minimal negative results. If she couldn't go there with you, hopefully she'll never even realize that was what you were hoping to explore. But if she does want to share this with you, this will allow for her to either initiate if she wants or to accept your initiation without feeling pressured.
As with any relationship, it will be important for you to talk with each other about needs, expectations, and boundaries. For some, a family-with-benefits arrangement is best. The possibilities are almost endless, depending on what everyone involved wants, including living together as spouses.
If you need to talk to someone about this, please contact Keith. The best ways are via email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or on the Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality.
If you think she will receive it well, you might want to send her this link.
This is far more common than most people think. To help people avoid hateful bigots interfering, I wrote...
How Consanguineous Lovers Can Avoid Trouble
How To Pull Off Living With Your Consanguinamorous Partners
Keeping the Closet Door Closed
If you haven't decided if you should try to add this bond to your relationship, this might help you decide.
![Non-Monogamy Diagram [I:FV]](http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy2.5.1.gif){kind=link}
Keith, can you edit in a link to the specific question on Quora? Thanks, UN
ReplyDeleteDone. I am putting it here, too: https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-ask-my-daughter-to-have-sex-with-her
Deletewhy can’t parents, grandparents, or great grandparents love their adult relatives?
ReplyDeleteIt's true that there are families that aren't interested in having consanguinamorous relationships, but it's also true that there are those that do want to have such relationships, even have some of the best experiences of their lives because of it. As a society, we need to recognize this and see that such a love can be of great benefit to those involved. Love should not be restricted in its expression, especially that between family members.
ReplyDeleteI think as a parent you know your daughter and whether she is open to this or not, especially if she has been brought up to be open minded. People always step carefully in these situations.
ReplyDeleteA great and useful post!
ReplyDeleteBut I have some remarks or rather my point of view on this difficult issue.
First of all, I don't like the collocation "Considering Consanguinamory".
I understand when they say "considering a trip to Miami."
I understand when they say "considering buying a house (or changing jobs)."
But cold-blooded reflection, that is, considering the question / assumption of whether to engage in a sexual relationship with a son or daughter??? As if it were about arranged marriage.
Hey, dad/mom, have you fallen in love with your daughter/son (or vice versa)? Do you have a deep romantic feeling for them? Do you want a common future with them "until death do you part"? Or are you just lusting after a young/mature body nearby, or are you trapped in incestuous fantasies/kinks?
I believe that mother, father, son and daughter are all stickers put on us by society, religion and the state. First of all, we are men and women, so a sexually romantic relationships between parents and children should be treated the same as a relationships between men and women who are not related by blood (or same-sex relationships).
When you meet someone, not a relative, or suddenly you begin to feel a stronger feeling for a familiar person than affection, friendship, you immediately begin to dream of having sex with them and how to achieve this goal? Do you start with "considering sex" immediately?
Perhaps, but most people first try to get to know the object of your feelings better, try to form a deep emotional bond, find out the feelings of a potential partner, and sex is just the icing on the cake or the tip of the iceberg. Although there may be a scenario where passion takes over and sex happens already on the first date, but long-term relationships, not ONS, are formed only on the basis of a sufficiently strong emotional bond.
In the realm of feelings, we cannot assume anything in advance, we cannot plan what will lead us to the goal, we cannot calculate anything and act according to an algorithm, because each pair is unique and each situation is unique.
I mean, the beginning of everything is a feeling, falling in love, love. We can't "considering" love, love has either originated (either it is) or it is not.
In the case of comsanguinamory, everything is both simpler and more complicated. It's easier because potential sexually romantic partners have known each other almost since the birth of the younger ones. It is more difficult because it is very hard for blood relatives to get rid of prejudices, it is very difficult to look at your beloved one from a different angle and consider them as a possible sexually romantic partner. Yes, everything is very confusing, but happiness is never given without significant emotional and physical costs.
And one last thing. I believe that children and parents who develop relationships deserve the best. They need to be sure that their love is for the rest of their lives, and not just entertainment, fun, satisfaction of sexual needs or kink. Otherwise, you should not cripple the life of yourself or your child/ parent.