Please see the disclaimer at the bottom of this page.
What’s Happening?
You might be dealing with or facing a very difficult situation.
You might be dealing with or facing a very difficult situation.
- Has your partner or spouse connected or reconnected with a close genetic relative?
- Did they have minimal or no face-to-face interaction from the time at least one of them was around the age of seven into puberty, or longer?
- Is your partner and/or their "long lost" relative experiencing a strong attraction to, or preoccupation with the other? Are they flirting or touching/hugging a lot? Do they want to spend a lot of time together or communicating?
There’s a strong chance that at least one of them is experiencing reunion Genetic Sexual Attraction. GSA is real and is a common, normal response to the circumstances involved. GSA is not an indication that anything is wrong with your partner or the other person. It is not wrong to have these feelings.
Genetic Sexual Attraction happens in up to half of all situations in which pubescent or post-pubescent genetic relatives meet for the first time or reunite after having been separated since at least one of them was a child, provided the genders and sexual orientation line up. It can happen whether this person is your partner’s genetic parent or grandparent, aunt/uncle, sibling or half sibling, nephew/niece, grown child/grandchild, even a first cousin.
It’s an overwhelming attraction unlike any other experience.
A couple of words of caution are needed here:
1) Sometimes people are just excited to connect or reconnect with “blood” or kin. There may not be any sexual attraction at all.
2) If your partner/your family is being stalked/harassed by this person rather than it being a relationship welcomed by your partner, that’s not what this entry is about. Encourage your partner to block contact and seek a restraining order.
Why Is This Happening?
Genetic Sexual Attraction happens in up to half of all situations in which pubescent or post-pubescent genetic relatives meet for the first time or reunite after having been separated since at least one of them was a child, provided the genders and sexual orientation line up. It can happen whether this person is your partner’s genetic parent or grandparent, aunt/uncle, sibling or half sibling, nephew/niece, grown child/grandchild, even a first cousin.
It’s an overwhelming attraction unlike any other experience.
A couple of words of caution are needed here:
1) Sometimes people are just excited to connect or reconnect with “blood” or kin. There may not be any sexual attraction at all.
2) If your partner/your family is being stalked/harassed by this person rather than it being a relationship welcomed by your partner, that’s not what this entry is about. Encourage your partner to block contact and seek a restraining order.
Why Is This Happening?
Most people are attracted to people who look like them. Who looks more like them than a close genetic relative? The Westermarck Effect overrides this in most (not all) circumstances in which one person raises another or they grow up in the same home. Close genetic relatives who were separated won't have the Westermarck Effect countering a powerful physical attraction. Add in emotional and psychological factors involved in reuniting with a lost family member, and you have something extremely powerful. It may only happen with one of their long-lost relatives, or it can happen with more than one.
Usually, if your partner loved you and wanted you before this situation, their experiencing GSA doesn’t change that.
What Does This Mean For You?
You may be shocked or very upset, which is understandable and one of many normal reactions to your circumstances. You are better off thinking through things as calmly as possible rather than making snap or rash decisions and doing or saying things that you can’t take back or repair.
You’re in a situation that is not so rare, and is happening more and more due to the realities of today’s world. There are many other people experiencing exactly what you are.
While this blog entry can’t address every moral code to which someone chooses to subscribe, our position is that there is nothing inherently wrong with ethical nonmonogamy nor consanguinamory. If you have a knee-jerk negative reaction to those things, you might want to consider why. Our main concern here is cheating, by which we mean someone breaks an existing agreement or vow without deference to, or informing of, their existing partner(s). Even someone who’d never cheat otherwise might do so due to experiencing GSA.
Neither you nor your partner sought to be placed in your positions. You’re both dealing with something that is likely at least somewhat of a struggle. Even people who consider themselves very sexually open, liberated, adventurous, and have enjoyed ethical nonmonogamy, including with the current partner in question, may not be able to handle their partner being in a consanguinamorous relationship. Your three basic options are 1) leaving, 2) staying but only as a friend or cohabitant, or 3) staying and continuing as a partner.
Leaving
If your relationship with your partner was casual, troubled, or dead or dying, and you would consider it a betrayal/cheating or unacceptable breach of boundaries for them to have sexual experiences with their “new” relative, then it is highly recommended you accept that your relationship with them is over or changing, because if there are reciprocal feelings between them, it is very likely they will have sex.
If this “new” relative is a grown child your partner knew about but whose existence your partner concealed from you, or the result of cheating on you, then that likely introduces (or reinforces) trust issues into your relationship, and, again, you might want to call it quits.
The only reservation with that is if you have minor children together and you have good reason to not want your minor children around the new relative, because if you’re living together, you have more control over what your children experience and who they are around than if your children are spending some time with your (by then) ex partner out of your supervision. See below for alternatives to leaving.
Staying and Being "Just Friends"
There are many reasons you might have for staying with your partner, but as friends and not lovers, including having minor children together, shared finances or business, genuinely being best friends, etc. There are many other people out there living with their former lover(s). With maturity and cooperation, you two might be able to agree to treat each other with respect, kindness, and politely for the sake of whatever you still will share, especially if you set a timetable for later re-evaluation of the relationship. That might be when your youngest child reaches a certain age, for example.
Usually, if your partner loved you and wanted you before this situation, their experiencing GSA doesn’t change that.
What Does This Mean For You?
You may be shocked or very upset, which is understandable and one of many normal reactions to your circumstances. You are better off thinking through things as calmly as possible rather than making snap or rash decisions and doing or saying things that you can’t take back or repair.
You’re in a situation that is not so rare, and is happening more and more due to the realities of today’s world. There are many other people experiencing exactly what you are.
While this blog entry can’t address every moral code to which someone chooses to subscribe, our position is that there is nothing inherently wrong with ethical nonmonogamy nor consanguinamory. If you have a knee-jerk negative reaction to those things, you might want to consider why. Our main concern here is cheating, by which we mean someone breaks an existing agreement or vow without deference to, or informing of, their existing partner(s). Even someone who’d never cheat otherwise might do so due to experiencing GSA.
Neither you nor your partner sought to be placed in your positions. You’re both dealing with something that is likely at least somewhat of a struggle. Even people who consider themselves very sexually open, liberated, adventurous, and have enjoyed ethical nonmonogamy, including with the current partner in question, may not be able to handle their partner being in a consanguinamorous relationship. Your three basic options are 1) leaving, 2) staying but only as a friend or cohabitant, or 3) staying and continuing as a partner.
Leaving
If your relationship with your partner was casual, troubled, or dead or dying, and you would consider it a betrayal/cheating or unacceptable breach of boundaries for them to have sexual experiences with their “new” relative, then it is highly recommended you accept that your relationship with them is over or changing, because if there are reciprocal feelings between them, it is very likely they will have sex.
If this “new” relative is a grown child your partner knew about but whose existence your partner concealed from you, or the result of cheating on you, then that likely introduces (or reinforces) trust issues into your relationship, and, again, you might want to call it quits.
The only reservation with that is if you have minor children together and you have good reason to not want your minor children around the new relative, because if you’re living together, you have more control over what your children experience and who they are around than if your children are spending some time with your (by then) ex partner out of your supervision. See below for alternatives to leaving.
Staying and Being "Just Friends"
There are many reasons you might have for staying with your partner, but as friends and not lovers, including having minor children together, shared finances or business, genuinely being best friends, etc. There are many other people out there living with their former lover(s). With maturity and cooperation, you two might be able to agree to treat each other with respect, kindness, and politely for the sake of whatever you still will share, especially if you set a timetable for later re-evaluation of the relationship. That might be when your youngest child reaches a certain age, for example.
Staying and Remaining Lovers
When you think through things calmly and carefully, you may not mind if they have sexual experiences with this other person, or you may mind but not enough to abandon your romantic/sexual relationship with them, or you may even like the idea. There are many forms of ethical nonmonogamy and one may suit you in this situation even if you and your partner have been monogamous until now.
Don’t be afraid to explain your feelings, concerns, and boundaries and negotiate for meeting your needs. The possibilities here are almost endless. It could be a “hall pass” arrangement in which your partner can be with their reunited relative as long as they use protection, are discreet, and you don’t have to see or hear about it or decrease your lovemaking frequency. It could be all three of you being together. It could be you also taking on another lover. There are several resources that might be able to help you adapt ethical nonmonogamy into your situation. While ethical nonmonogamy isn’t for everyone and might not suit you, if there is a chance that all three of you could be content with a form of nonmonogamy, that could be a wonderful outcome. See here if you're willing to at least think about this option.
When you think through things calmly and carefully, you may not mind if they have sexual experiences with this other person, or you may mind but not enough to abandon your romantic/sexual relationship with them, or you may even like the idea. There are many forms of ethical nonmonogamy and one may suit you in this situation even if you and your partner have been monogamous until now.
Don’t be afraid to explain your feelings, concerns, and boundaries and negotiate for meeting your needs. The possibilities here are almost endless. It could be a “hall pass” arrangement in which your partner can be with their reunited relative as long as they use protection, are discreet, and you don’t have to see or hear about it or decrease your lovemaking frequency. It could be all three of you being together. It could be you also taking on another lover. There are several resources that might be able to help you adapt ethical nonmonogamy into your situation. While ethical nonmonogamy isn’t for everyone and might not suit you, if there is a chance that all three of you could be content with a form of nonmonogamy, that could be a wonderful outcome. See here if you're willing to at least think about this option.
“Can’t I Stop Them?”
You can’t control what they do; you can only control what you do. If they have reciprocal GSA for each other, chances are they will have sex or keep having sex. While we stress again that this situation is not your fault, the only effective way of steering the situation away from them having sex, if there is a chance at all, would be from you being a magnet rather than playing out the part of a scorned lover and from them not being alone together. The more your partner thinks about what you have together in a positive way, the better. Recognise that if they do hold back or stop, they have done something extremely difficult.
Especially if “nothing has happened yet,” your partner might benefit from reading this.
Being Dumped
While we don’t advocate being a doormat, the more accommodating and kind you are, the less likely you will be dumped by your partner. Unfortunately, being dumped is a very real possibility, especially since it is always a possibility with any relationship. Add in the disruption brought by GSA, and it becomes more of a possibility.
Don’t Be a Rat
Depending on the situation, can be very tempting to rat your partner and their relative out to law enforcement if the are getting together where consanguinamory is still criminalized, but we beg you not to do that unless they pose a clear danger to you or minor children (yours or anyone else’s). Even then, you shouldn’t rat them out to law enforcement as consanguinamorous if you can turn them in for something else. Example: Your wife’s long-lost father is someone who abuses little girls. Turn him in if he violates the terms of his parole by being around little girls.
If you turn in your partner and their new lover for being consanguinamorous just because you’re jealous, you might end up with far more problems. For example, your partner, with whom you have children and to whom you were married, goes to prison for a while and gets branded a sex offender for life, making it very difficult to get a good job when they are released. How much child support do you think they’re going to be able to provide to you? How much spousal support? Cheating on you is not OK. But this really shouldn’t be a criminal matter. Do protect yourself and your children from dangerous people. The mere existence of negative feelings on your part, no matter how justified, are not reason enough to bring down the harm of unjust laws.
Likewise, do not out them unless it is necessary. You feeling scorned and jealous doesn’t make it necessary. There’s a good chance people around them will figure it out for themselves anyway.
What’s Next?
Has acting sexually on GSA ruined the lives of some people? Like all sexual relationships, the answer is yes, for some it has. Some people are not right for each other, even if they are strongly attracted to each other, and some people are abusive (sometimes that is a reason for the separation circumstances to begin with). Then there are the issues of law, prejudices, discrimination, etc. But heterosexual, monogamous, nonconsanguineous relationships and marriages have also ruined the lives of some people; that is no reason to categorically condemn them.
Though GSA and resulting consanguinamory can form an intense bond, some such relationships, or at least the lovemaking, will end due to conflicting personalities, lifestyles, or life goals, any number of other factors.
Some continue on.
Some continue on.
Someone could be the best spouse or partner, having a great relationship, and their partner connects or reconnects with a close genetic relative, and then everything gets turned upside down. You're an innocent bystander. Yet you need to deal with the fallout of what is happening. What happens next is partially, but not completely, up to you. You can only control what you do, not what your partner or their relative does. Whatever happens, things are very unlikely to be the same as they were before all this started, and you need to adapt one way or the other.
If you want to talk with someone about what you're dealing with, you can email me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or find me on Facebook or message me on Wire at fullmarriageequality
If you want to talk with someone about what you're dealing with, you can email me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or find me on Facebook or message me on Wire at fullmarriageequality
The Kindred Spirits forum welcomes people involved in consanguinamory as well as allies of the consanguinamorous, whether it is a reunion GSA situation or not. As long as you’re not hostile to the community, you might be able to get some answers to your questions there. See this.
These links below may answer some questions and concerns you have.
GSA Is Not a Result of Your Partner Being AbusedGSA Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Your Partner Needs TherapyHow Common is Consanguinamory?
You Probably Know Someone Else Who Has Been Through This
GSA Happens Whether Someone Knows About It or Not
The Feelings Might Not Go Away
For the Family and Friends of the Consanguinamorous
The Feelings Might Not Go Away
For the Family and Friends of the Consanguinamorous
![Non-Monogamy Diagram [I:FV]](http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy2.5.1.gif){kind=link}
agreed that consanguinamory is not a disorder nor a disease.
ReplyDelete