Siblings, stepsiblings, cousins, and other close relatives have been exploring, experimenting with, and playing with each other for all of history. This includes, when they are close in age, during adolescence and childhood.
Playing “house,” playing “doctor,” “show me yours, I’ll show you mine,” and various acts of curiosity are very common. As long as aggression or fear isn’t used to create the experience, it’s generally not considered abuse or otherwise problematic for, as an example, siblings who are 10 and 13 to have explored a bit; even less so if the siblings who are, say, 14 and 17 get sexual, or have (deliberately) watched each other or, together, someone else in the residence or connected with the family getting sexual.
Again, this isn’t referring to something forceful, coerced, or done under duress or threats. Abuse is an entirely different matter beyond the scope of this topic.
Over the years, I’ve been contacted by people who had such experiences, wondering if it was OK that they happened, some feeling “guilty,” or asking if it is unusual that they don’t regret it, maybe if and how to bring the subject up with the other person(s) who were involved.
These experiences are normal, natural, and not rare. There’s nothing wrong with or harmful about youthful curiosity and exploration.
If you weren’t the eldest participant, the person who was the eldest or elder would almost certainly benefit from hearing from you that you don’t regret it and you think of it as a positive or neutral experience, as opposed to an abusive or otherwise negative one. (If that is, indeed, how you feel about it.)
But how and when should you talk with them? What should you say?
It’s best to talk with them one-on-one, privately, in-person.
If you won’t be seeing them in-person anytime soon and you absolutely can’t wait, still ensure that the conversation is private, just between the two of you. A live video call is best, a live audio call is second best, followed by texting in a secure messaging app, especially with expiring (disappearing) messages, and it will be essential that you keep your wording somewhat vague - vague enough that if other people hear it or read it they wouldn’t be able to prove conclusively what happened.
You’re probably going to be nervous, and that’s OK. You’ll just have to have the courage to go ahead and be awkward about it.
Say something along the lines of, “I’ve been thinking some good thoughts about some good memories. I want you to know that I think back on the times we shared privately when we were kids as good times. I thought it might be important for you to know that.” Or, use words that will be positive and effective between the two of you. I deliberately chose to use the word “good” right away and repeat it so as to put the other person at ease. Add a “thank you” if appropriate. Starting off with “We need to talk,” or something like that can cause someone undue worry and defensiveness.
Their reaction might range from denial and refusing to talk about it, to slight embarrassment, to being relieved, to wanting to “pick up where you left off.” Telling them is highly unlikely to have a down side. If they’re in denial, “don’t remember,” or don’t want to talk about it at that moment, don’t push it. Allow them their time.
If, conversely, you were the eldest/elder, it can be risky to reopen that matter first, meaning the younger person hasn’t mentioned what happened since it last happened or soon after. Even if you were absolutely certain (and correct) that this was a mutually positive experience, societal prejudices, shame, and fear might have influenced how someone else remembers what happened. If you do raise the subject, the spectrum of potential reactions is much wider, especially if you don’t currently have a close and positive relationship with this person now. As such, if you bring it up, it should start with asking them how they’re doing and how they feel about your shared youth.
If things go well and you do want to “pick up where you left off,” this might help. It’s is possible for all involved to have no regrets AND not agree to do anything together now, so never assume that just because you had some moment in your youth that anything will happen now.
As always, your comments that follow the rules are welcome and you can write to Keith privately via email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or on the Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality.
In connection with the topic raised by Keith, I would like to share one observation regarding posts on Reddit and other resources dedicated to victims of rape, abuse and molestation.
ReplyDeleteAnd I want to say right away that I strongly condemn people who force their relatives and outsiders to have sexual acts with them. But that's not what I'm talking about in this comment.
In addition to the revelations of true abuse and rape, the resources I have named contain many complaints about how past sexual contacts in various forms ( violent and nonviolent) with family members, even the lightest ones, negatively affected the authors' feelings and behavior later.
They complain that these contacts led to their hypersexuality, to long-term depression, caused many psychological and pathological syndromes, destroyed their "normal" relationships with "traditional" partners, affected their career successes and family life and so on.
Many claim that they liked "it" back then, and it wasn't until adulthood that they realized how terrible and disgusting it was, and that their accomplices in childhood experiments were sexual predators.
Many claim that they were bullied, harassed, and afraid to tell adults for various reasons: from unwillingness to endanger an accomplice to fear of being subjected to physical punishment.
However, in many confessions, there is a sense of falseness and a desire to pose as a victim where, in fact, there was mutual consent. And I have a suspicion that most of the complainants are simply looking (with the active participation of their shrinks) for the cause of their life failures not in themselves but in others, including members of their own families, with whom they often just experimented as Keith described such cases.
On the other hand, many examples are described when even the youngest children, not to mention teenagers, at the slightest hint of sexual attempts by peer family member, immediately reported them to adult family members and received support. Not to mention that if parents or guardians neglect their duties, children and teenagers have long known that they have the opportunity to complain about unwanted sexual harassment to school teachers, and that this will always lead to the most decisive actions in their defense.
Those who really do not want sexual contact in the family can always stand up for themselves, starting from a principled rebuff against abuser' deeds and ending with complaints to "all authorities." Children have long been preparing for such a challenge both at school and at home. In other words, any child, not to mention a teenager, who wants to stand up for them has every opportunity to do so.
As for the accusations of children sexual experimentation in causing hypersexuality, it is appropriate to use the logic like "which came first - the chicken or the egg?" I am sure that the so-called hypersexuality is innate, possibly hereditary, and does not arise under the influence of external factors. So this tendency to high-intensity sexual experimentation and later to intense adult sexuality, is not a consequence of children's games, but rather, children's sexual games etc. are the result of an innate increased libido given to the specific child by nature.
I repeat, I do not carry out victim blaming. I sincerely sympathize with the true victims of sexual violence, wherever it occurs - in the family, at school, on the street, on the playground or anywhere else. I just want to say that many of the seemingly terrible complaints of women and men about the sexual abuse they experienced in childhood from siblings and cousins are, to put it mildly, greatly exaggerated. Unfortunately, such half-truths and untruths about children's sexual games and experiments with their peer relatives give consanguinamory opponents a powerful unfair weapon that greatly harms the cause of Full Marriage Equality.
Great comment, so true
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