Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Poly, Gay, and Happy

Wintersong Tashlin has a great blog entry explaining his life as a polyamorous gay man. The gist of it is…

Being polyamorous is pretty damn awesome.

But he does offer a whole paragraph of disclaimers, ending with…

And finally, yes I am well aware that many of you/your mom, BFF, hairdresser, dentist, etc have tried poly and had it go badly. To that issue I will simply say this: if everyone gave up on a relationship dynamic after having one or two bad experiences not only would no one be in monogamous relationships either, I doubt we would even be a nation of lonely masturbators.

Good point. So what does his polyamory look like?

I have a husband. I actually used to have two of them, and hopefully will someday again. What "husband" in this case means is that we live together and share just about every aspect of our lives with each other. My husband Fire, and I have been together for about twelve years now, and intended to be in a multi-partner marriage from the very start. About two and half years after we got together we entered into a relationship with Evan, which lasted for just over eight years before he chose to divorce us. As the three of us before did, Fire and I share a house, bills, the care and feeding of an adorable dog, and other joys and duties found in traditionally "married" relationships. Even when there were three of us, it was remarkably "normal" by many of the yardsticks by which marriages are measured.

However, outside of our marriage, Fire and I have other intimate relationships that can take many forms.

He also expresses weariness of being thrown under the bus by those who deny solidarity

Polyamorous people, especially queer ones, are boogymen at the moment. Every time the anti-gay right brings us out as part of the "slippery slope" argument against same-sex-marriage, the representatives from Gay Inc are quick to take offense and clarify that we LGBTs are just as against that sort of thing as they are. I understand the political calculations perfectly well, but I have to say that I am growing tired of my family being demonized from both sides. Intellectually, I understand why this is, but I think it is important for us to make our voices hear once in a while.

Gays and lesbians should have the freedom to marry, including the polygamous freedom to marry, and the consanguineous freedom to marry. That's why we need full marriage equality.
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  1. Unfortunately, I used to be one of those people who argued that polygamy would never happen because it was evil, and all that nonsense. I'm so sorry for my past prejudices, and I'm very glad I woke up to reality. I support full marriage equality entirely.

  2. I was there, too. Polygamy, or any form of nonmonogamy, is presented as completely wrong and unworkable, especially in so many media depictions. It's always monogamy vs. cheating, or monogamy vs. evil slut/player, or monogamy vs. oppressive patriarchal polygyny. It is simply not the case, and when people think it through, they realize there isn't much reason to oppose or bully people for their choices in nomonogamous relationships, which can be entire reponsible. This is even more so when people realize they know someone who is happy and consensually nonmonogamous.


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