First and Only

We have another exclusive interview to bring you.

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face persecution and prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The man and woman interviewed below should be free to legally and publicly marry, or simply be with each other without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including where they live, they could be criminally prosecuted for loving each other this way, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what they have to say about the love they share. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label?

NOTE: This interview includes brief descriptions of lovemaking between teens, who, where they lived, could legally consent to sex with strangers at their ages.

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourselves.

David: Hello everyone. I’m David, 30, male, and currently residing in Salt Lake City, Utah with my sister/wife and our daughter. I’m a six-foot one-inch white male with a lean, muscular body. I graduated in finance and am currently working as a Financial Advisor for a bank.

We both come from a strong socioeconomic background as our dad inherited a lot of land and owned multiple businesses throughout his life, but we are proud to say everything we own is from our own hard work. Having said that, our parents are also really conservative Mormons. We come from a family where dating and sex before marriage are still a taboo so you can say we absolutely obliterated their values [laughs]. 

We both are big on fitness and go to the gym religiously. Some of my hobbies include gaming, kayaking during summer, and skiing during winter. I love remodeling around the house and always finding projects to work on. A few things I have done over the past three or four years, since we bought our house, was to put a wooden fence around the house myself, remodeled the living room by adding custom shelves, ceiling lights, paint and much more. 

We do not have any other siblings.

Sarah: Hello everyone, I’m Sarah, 32, female, and I’m the sister/wife to David and mom to our beautiful daughter. I have long and silky blonde hair going down to my lower back, and all natural. I’m a slim, curvy girl with a big bust - got it from my mom. I graduated dental school and did my specializations in orthodontics, however, currently I’m a stay-at-home mom looking after our daughter. I do plan to start working again in a few months, but no rush to be honest.

Like David mentioned, we are gym freaks and love working out. I don’t have a lot of hobbies like David, but I do enjoy playing Call of Duty, Battlefield, Halo and FC26. 

What Is Cheating?

Cheating is breaking the rules.

In a relationship, the rules are set by the people in the relationship.

As such, for some, having sex with other people is NOT cheating. If the rules of their relationship allow for having sex with other people under certain conditions, and those conditions are met, then it isn't cheating.

Also, relationships can and do have rules other than "don't have sex with other people" or "only have sex with other people under these conditions." Those rules can be almost anything to which the people in the relationship have agreed, including "Don't spend more than this amount of money on something without discussing it with me first." That's a very common rule for people who have combined their finances.

Another rule that can apply to sex is "We will share sexual affection on a regular basis, as long as extraordinary circumstances don't prevent us." Thus, cheating can include one partner consistently rejecting the other partner, cheating that partner out of something to which was agreed.

While there are common basics that should be discussed with every (potential) partner, it's difficult to discuss every possible hypothetical nuance and variation and agree to rules about each, and so being flexible about adding, removing, or modifying rules can be helpful, especially since people discover more about themselves, what they have to offer, and what the need as they age and grow. Keep in mind that most people have a tendency to have expectations and desires, and make assumptions, that go unstated, and someone can still damage trust and their relationships with the partner(s) without technically cheating. So, please, state upfront some of the basics and work from there. These might be "I am mostly monogamous and need my partner to be mostly monogamous" or "I'm ethically nonmonogamous" or "I am polyamorous" and go from there, detailing what is meant. 

Strict monogamy shouldn't be expected by default; it must be something that is discussed, with an agreement being made. None of us can assume that someone we are interested in is "available" because they're not in a relationship, or that they are "unavailable" because they are in a relationship. That is something to discuss with them.

A Sister Gives Her Thoughts on Their New Life

Sometimes, after this blog publishes an interview, a partner of the interviewee or someone else connected to them wants to add some more from their perspective. This time, the lover of the man interviewed in this recent entry is adding her perspective. Read that interview or read it again, as it will be helpful for reading what this woman has to say below.

If you have any heart at all, you have to see how outrageous it is to deny this woman and her lover their rights.

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY:  Did you want to add to how your brother described you?

Samaira: The only thing I can add to is that we have a never-give-up approach to life.


FME: What is your take on your childhood, family life, and discovering your sexuality?

A New Life With True Love

We have another exclusive interview to bring you. 

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face persecution and prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The man interviewed below should be free to legally and publicly marry his lover, or simply be with her without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults; why should they have been denied their rights? In much of the world, they could be criminally prosecuted for loving each other this way, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what he has to say about the love they share. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label? 

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY:  Describe yourself.

Vishal: We were born in India. My name is Vishal, I'm a 26 year-old man, and my sister’s name is Samaira, she's a 25 year-old woman.

We both are in IT industry in Germany. We chose it because it is a high paying industry. Our high salaries enables us to live a comfortable life here. Right now we are able to save little over half of our salaries, which we invest, because we pool our resources. If everything goes well, then I can get a promotion soon, so our future looks good in Germany.

There is a whole tale behind how we ended up being in IT industry in Germany. We grew up in a well-off family in India. We have also an older brother there. We have a shared hobby of playing tennis. But I also like to go to CrossFit and she likes to play video games. We also like to read non-Fiction books. But due to time constraints nowadays we can only read one book in four to five months.

Secretly and Happily Married

We have another exclusive interview to bring you. 

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The man interviewed below should be free to legally marry his spouse, or simply be together without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults; why should they have been denied their rights? In much of the world, they could be criminally prosecuted for loving each other this way, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what he has to say about the love they share. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label? 

Note: This is a "David" I have not interviewed before.

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

David: My name is David. I'm a divorced father in my forties to a very lovely daughter. I have a home-based business as a contractor for which I oversee computer systems such as phones, fire suppression, air conditioning, lighting, etc., all via the Internet. There are certain companies that, despite having a qualified staff on site, sometimes need me to quietly look in when no one is looking. That's the only way I can say it without getting into trouble. 

I'm in good shape and healthy as my job has me sitting lots. I keep in shape by walking lots and hiking in the mountains when possible. I love cooking and I love a good cup of tea. What's interesting is how my daughter has followed in my footsteps. She is a very confident woman, working towards her RN. When she was in high school, she started volunteering at our local hospital, helping the unit clerks, working at the information booth, cleaning and just being a kind voice and smile to patients and their families. I am so proud of her and her drive. She does have a touch of OCD, a strong focus. This has helped her countless times, and helped me as well.

Finding Joy At Home

We have another exclusive interview to bring you. 

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The man interviewed below should be free to legally marry his lover, or simply to be together as a couple without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults who aren’t hurting anyone; why should they have been denied their rights? In much of the world, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this man has to say about the love he shares with his spouse. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic and romantic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label?

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Trevor: I’m a 26 year old white male who lives in the Pacific Northwest and I work as a tram operator. One of my favorite hobbies is visiting old-fashioned taverns for the food and atmosphere. I currently live with my mother in our apartment. She is 44. 

Completing a Special Puzzle

We have another exclusive interview to bring you.

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The woman interviewed below should be free to legally marry her partner, or simply to be with her partner as a couple without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults who aren’t hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including where they live, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what she has to say about the love they share with each other. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic and romantic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label?

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Anonymous: I'm a high school math teacher in a suburb of an American major metropolitan area. I'm in my early forties. I'm average height for a woman. I could lose a little weight but my man says I'm perfect the way I am. My family roots are Jewish, by way of Europe. I like gardening and puzzles of different kinds, like jigsaw and Rubik's cube types. I have one brother.

You Can Have Both

Today's [This entry has been bumped up] Dear Abby is disappointing. COMPLICATED IN TENNESSEE wrote...

I have a male best friend I adore...We are not dating; we just have sex sometimes, and everyone that I try to be with knows about him.

It's good that she's honest.

Must I give up on my bestie to be with the man I love even though Bestie and I promised each other that we will never break our bond for anyone?

Something is missing. Is there an actual man she loves right now who has demanded she give up Bestie? Did that man know the truth about Bestie from the start?

Dear Abby replied...

If you hadn't been having sex sometimes with your bestie, the "man you love" might have been able to accept him. The answer to your question is yes, you will have to make a choice. Now, the question I have for you is, which man do you think is the keeper?

Sigh. 

Abby is aware of polyamory, open relationships, and other forms of ethical (or disclosed or consensual) nonmonogamy. There are men for whom the fact that Bestie exists would be something that that makes this letter writer more desirable, and other men who would accept her relationship with Bestie. And yes, there are men who won't want to be with her, but those aren't the only men out there.

It's something that has to be worked out with any person she is with. Aside from the sex, some people want their partner to be their best friend, and don't want to be in a relationship in which their partner's best friend is another person (sometimes, depending on gender).

Monogamy shouldn't be considered the default. Nobody should assume monogamy when dating someone. People need to actually talk about and negotiate the rules of their relationship. If they want or need monogamy, they need to be clear about that and define what monogamy means. For some, it means the partners will not touch (literally!) another adult. For others, monogamy means that they will be spouses and nobody else will have the status of a spouse, but things like casual sex with others is fine.

Siblings Having Fun

We have yet another exclusive interview to bring you. As this interview is being published, there are many people still spending more time home with family members. Perhaps some of them will find this interview an inspiration? Or they can see this for some possibilities.

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out if the closet or they’ll gave prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

Not everyone sharing consanguinamory considers their relationship a great love affair or a marriage, though. Some are experimenting, exploring, having recreational sex, or in a family-with-benefits situation.

The man interviewed below, should be free to legally marry his partner, or simply to be together as a couple without having to hide, yet they can’t. They are consenting adults who aren’t hurting anyone; why should they have been denied their rights? In much of the world, they could be criminally  prosecuted for their love, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this man has to say about fun they share. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label?

**WARNING: Brief descriptions of sexuality.**


*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Marc: I am an 18 year old guy from Zagreb, Croatia. I am Caucasian like my family. I am currently in my final year of high school. I want to enroll in law school after that. In my free time I go to the gym and watch sports. I live with my dad, mum and younger sister. My older sister is 20 and lives in another part of Zagreb because she is in college dorm.


FME: How would you describe your gender(s)? How would you describe your sexual orientation?

I'm male, she is female. We are heterosexual and monogamous.


FME: Is she your full blood sister, half sister, stepsister, or adopted sister?

Full blood sister.

The Best College Roommate Possible

We have another exclusive interview to bring you. As this interview is being published, there are many people still spending more time home with family members. Perhaps some of them will find this interview an inspiration? Or they can see this for some possibilities.

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. We've also interviewed people whose consanguineous sexual engagement ended on good terms.

The man interviewed below should've been free to legally marry his partner, or simply to be together as a couple without having to hide, yet they couldn't. They were consenting adults who didn't hurt anyone; why should they have been denied their rights? In much of the world, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this man has to say. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic and romantic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label?

**WARNING: Mildly explicit descriptions of sex are included.**


*****


FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Anonymous: I am an engineering professor, now married. I'm a white male with a Doctorate, a scuba diver, I am one of four siblings. My parents are upper middle class professionals. I live in a university town. I live with my wife and we have no children yet. My experiences relate to the time before I was married.

The Anticipating Brother

Genetic Sexual Attraction is real, and the people who experience it often have their lives turned upside down. Sometimes, when there are mutual feelings, things will work out so that the lovers can be together.

"Richard" and the woman he love were in a state of mutual anticipation when this interview was conducted, providing a perspective that comes from a different place than previous interviews that have involved people who were together for a while.

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

Richard should be free to marry the woman he loves, yet they can't legally marry, and they could be imprisoned and have their lives ruined if they were outed to the wrong people. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this man has to say. Should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

WARNING: Mildly expressed sexuality.

*****

Women with Bisexual Male Partners

Miki Perkins at theage.com.au has an article on women in relationships with bisexual men. The article also addresses polyamory and notes that bisexual people can be in monogamous relationships (one such relationship is cited as an example.)

The lives of women in relationships with bisexual men are the focus of new research from Deakin University, published in a book: Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men By Women.

The 80 women interviewed were, or had been, in relationships with bisexual men. Some were monogamous, some were "open" or polyamorous, and there was a mix of marital and de-facto relationships.

It's important to remember that "polyamorous" and "open" are not the same. A couple can have an open relationship and not consider themselves polyamorous. A polyamorous "V" or triangle or quad can be completely closed, meaning none of the individuals will have romantic or sexual relationships with anyone outside of the polycule.

It Runs in the Family

This blog has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The woman interviewed below is, and was, clearly able to consent to her relationships. Along with her lover, she should be free to decide whether or not to legally marry, yet they could be harassed and persecuted if they were open about their love. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including all but a couple of US states, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what she has to say. You may think her relationships are shocking, interesting, or you might find it incredibly sexy, but whatever your reaction, should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?

***THIS INTERVIEW DOES GET SLIGHTLY EXPLICIT***


*****


FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Tell us about yourself.

Free Spirit: I'm 45 years old and I'm a manager at a supermarket grocery store. I was born and raised in Tennessee, so I'm a southern girl. I have two younger half-sisters. I love country music and dancing. One of my favorite hobbies is painting pictures. .


FME: Are you married or have you ever been legally and/or ceremonially married?

I've never been married because the only man I wanted to marry was my father, but of course, by law, we weren't allowed to marry.


FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation?

Back in high school, I made out with a few girls just to impress boys, but I've never had sex with the same gender before, so I'm heterosexual. My son and I are in a monogamous relationship. I don't like to share.

Polyamory Terms You May Want to Know

Kathleen Burdo listed and explained "7 Poly Terms Everyone Should Know, Whether You're New to Polyamory or Monogamous" at bustle.com...

It’s easy to get wrapped in our own little communities and forget that we have our own jargon. A lot of words commonly used in the poly community — f*ck buddy, FWB, co-habitate, life partner, LDR, etc — are more general and widely used, but we have a lot of really specific words, such as “compersion” and “nesting partner,” to describe all of the various ways poly relationships can look as well as the experiences poly folk have.

She covers ethical non-nonogamy, polyamory, fluid-bonding, comperson, triad and quad, hierarchical versus non-hierarchical relationships, and primary/secondary partner(s) versus nesting partner(s).

These are good terms to know, and she also has a bunch of helpful links embedded in her article.

She returned with seven more terms, polycule, NRE and ORE, monogamish, poly-fidelity, polysaturated, matamour, and unicorn and unicorn hunters. Again, she included plenty of links.

A while back we put up our own glossary of terms frequently used here on this blog. For more terms, see this glossary by Franklin Veaux that is intended to be “a guide to many of the terms you might hear in the polyamorous community.”
People successfully experienced in ethical nonmonogamy often gain insights into relationships that are helpful to share with their monogamous friends and family. If marriage is on the decline in the West (the percentage of adults in the US who are married is at the lowest in the country's history), it could very well be saved and revived by polyamorous, LGBTQ, and consanguinamorous people who marry. It's too bad they're having to struggle to get and keep their rights to marry or, in some cases, even be together at all.

Compersion Is Exciting

Rosebud Baker at thefrisky.com has an essay headlined with "I Asked My Boyfriend to Sleep With Someone Else, And It Was Fantastic For Both of Us."

She starts out explaining that she and her boyfriend of three years have fantasized about nonmonogamy, which is a very common area of fantasy, but they've done something that not as common, but by no means rare... actually opening up their relationship.

Being that we were both brand new to the idea of opening up our relationship, we sort of went into the whole thing holding hands. He chose someone on Tinder and sent me screenshots of her profile for approval. I made sure to set some very clearly defined sexual boundaries, most importantly that our “third party candidate” knew about me and the agreement that my boyfriend and I had. The night of, he texted me before he left to meet her, when he arrived at the destination, and when the deed was done.

All very reasonable and good things.

From the moment I brought up the idea, the chemistry between us had intensified and the morning after the whole event felt as though it was reaching boiling point.

Experimenting and exploring can be exciting.

Detailing the Good News From the Supreme Court

[This is being bumped up for the anniversary of this decision.]

We're finally getting around to carefully going over Obergefell here in detail. That is the recent US Supreme Court decision on marriage.

The decision was a big win, to be sure, although in our dreams it would have done even more, instantly. Thanks to the Court majority, we are well on our way to full marriage equality. Even though the immediate effect was only to make the limited monogamous same-gender freedom to marry nationwide, they left the door wide open to bring about full marriage equality.

Before we get into the details of the decision, permit us to note that, unfortunately, there's not a single explicit mention of bisexual people, pansexual people, transgender people, or anyone other than monogamist gay people and lesbian people. While it is good that (monogamist) gays and lesbians are being affirmed, there is still much progress to make.

But the petitioners, far from seeking to devalue marriage, seek it for themselves because of their respect—and need—for its privileges and responsibilities, as illustrated by the petitioners’ own experiences.

This is also true of people still barred from legally marrying in their relationships.

The fundamental liberties protected by the Fourteenth Amendment’s Due Process Clause extend to certain personal choices central to individual dignity and autonomy, including intimate choices defining personal identity and beliefs.

Yes! That is why the polygamous freedom to marry and the consanguineous freedom to marry must be recognized.

Applying these tenets, the Court has long held the right to marry is protected by the Constitution.

There is a right to marry.

Step This Way and Play the Field

Dear Prudence (Mallory Ortberg) again addressed a topic relevant to this blog.

Q. In love with my stepbrother: When I was 18, my mom remarried a guy with a son my age. My stepbrother and I didn’t know each other well back then, but after returning from college, I’ve realized that I have a huge crush on him.

This is very common. We've discussed the issue of stepsiblings before.

He’s single, funny, mensch-y, smart, and very good-looking. I think he feels the same way about me, and we totally flirt. If he weren’t my stepbrother, I would definitely ask him out, but I see that there are infinite potential problems here. First off, if we break up it will be insanely awkward, but it’s also kind of weird and incestuous. (On the flip side, we’ve barely known each other five years, so he’s not REALLY like my brother.) Prudie, please tell me not to date my stepbrother so I don’t keep thinking about it!

Those really aren't compelling reasons to avoid exploring the relationship possibilities.

From the answer...

As you point out, if things don’t work out between the two of you, it will certainly complicate your family get-togethers. That said, there’s nothing inherently wrong with your feelings for him.

Not at all.

You’ve never lived together, you weren’t raised together—in no way is this situation incestuous.

And why would having lived together or being raised together in any way make a dating relationship wrong? If they find they like having a romantic and/or sexual relationship, they should be free to pursue that without being harassed by anyone.

Actually, the column had more than one topic relevant to this blog...

Q. Wife wants to re-explore bisexual feelings: When my wife and I met, we were both busy professionals who didn’t want children. We were a great match sexually—we’re both experienced and adventurous and very open about our paths. We became exclusively monogamous before we married and have been so ever since. Twenty-two years later and we still have a great life together and have sex regularly.

Great!

But recently, my wife told me she would like to re-explore her bisexual feelings. She said she wanted to stay married but wanted to have relations with “any woman, at any time without recrimination or consequences from me.” I, on the other hand, was to honor our monogamous vows.

Oh. I wonder if he has some clear reason other than a feeling? Feelings can be enough, but other things ("I worry about STIs") can be worked through and negotiated.

I love her and I do understand that sex with me is different than sex with a woman, but I see this as infidelity. She does not believe we need couples counseling, as this is just about exploring something I was aware she had done in the past. I asked whether I could think for a few days and then give her an answer. My answer at this point is to give her complete freedom and a divorce.

What are the real options here? He knows her feelings and she presumably knows his. His desire for strict monogamy is incompatible with her desire to also see women. I'm polyamorous myself, but I don't think either of these spouses is right or wrong. It's just a matter of what they each feel they need at this point in their life.

He said they have a "great life together." She wants to keep that going, except for the monogamy. She said, according to him, that "she would like to..." start seeing women again. That doesn't make it clear whether she is willing to defer to his desires or if she's informing him she is no longer going to be monogamous with him. If she defers to his desire for monogamy, she might be resentful. If she's going to start seeing women again, he can stay (in which case he might be resentful) or leave. He already knows what he has with her. If he leaves, there is less certainty. He might be on his own for the rest of his life (which he might like) or he might find a new woman with whom he can have a monogamous relationship. That might be even better than what he has with her, or it might not be as good. Would losing him be "worth it" to her to see other women and, if she wants, look for another man?

From the answer...

Bisexuality does not entitle a person to demand an open marriage without warning or discussion.

She has provided warning and discussed it.

If you’re not interested in a marriage where she’s free to sleep with any woman she likes but you’re required to be monogamous, tell her so.

I didn't see where he said that his wife was saying he had to monogamous. He's indicated that's what he wants. Or, at least, he wants the relationship to be monogamous more than he'd like to be with others.It's quite possible he's wanted to be with others but didn't want his wife to be with anyone else and he decided it was only fair that he be monogamous if he wanted his wife to be.

It's not an easy situation.

Throwing Polyamorous People Under the Bus

Jonathan Rauch, for some reason I don't know, has a piece at politico.com throwing polyamorous people who want to marry under the bus.

Opposing the legalization of plural marriage should not be my burden, because gay marriage and polygamy are opposites, not equivalents.

Huh? They are both part of full marriage equality.

By allowing high-status men to hoard wives at the expense of lower-status men, polygamy withdraws the opportunity to marry from people who now have it;

Oh, wow. OK, he's using "plural marriage" and "polygamy" interchangeably, and limiting both to polygyny. He's also invoking Discredited Argument #16. This is about consenting adults. If three women want to marry the same man and agree to all be married to the same man, why does Rauch want to force two of them to marry another man? Also, polygyny is just one form of polygamy. Polyamorous relationships are diverse.

same-sex marriage, by contrast, extends the opportunity to marry to people who now lack it.

Hooray for the same-gender freedom to marry! I've seen many polyamorous people express the  same. So why is Rauch trying to deny polyamorous people the polyamorous freedom to marry? Why write a piece like this? He's going to look rather silly when he wakes up on the wrong side of history.

A Slowly Simmered Love

If my recollection is correct, this is the 49th ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The woman interviewed below, "Andy," is thoughtful, articulate, and clearly able to consent to this relationship. She and her lover should be free to decide whether or not to legally marry. Yet they could be criminally prosecuted and face other forms of discrimination if the wrong people found out about their relationship. They are consenting adults (and a very cute couple, too) who aren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights?

Read the interview below and see for yourself what he has to say. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it incredibly sexy, but whatever your reaction, should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?





*****


FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Andy: I grew up in Michigan near lots of rivers and lakes, which has been a lot of fun for me because most of my hobbies involve being outside. I like camping, hiking, spinning fire poi, swimming, and reading.

My childhood was pretty typical. I had a Mom and Dad, two younger sisters, and a younger full brother.

"Ryan", my older half-brother, lived with his mother. My Dad had signed over his rights to him. Ryan's mother's husband at the time adopted him and he moved to another state when I was still very young.  

I was a nerd in school because I wore rock t-shirts and ripped-up jeans. I kind of got picked on for it until the punk rock revival we had and I started playing in bands as a bass player.

I am in between jobs right now due to a bad allergic reaction I had. I've operating heavy machinery for five years now. I'm kind of a tomboy.




FME: What is your sexual orientation and relationship orientation?


Andy: I'd say that I am straight, although I have kissed a few girls. I enjoyed it, too, but I prefer men and monogamy. I'm not too keen on the idea if sharing. I think polyamory is great but I don't know how they do it. I'm not wired that way. I couldn't share my significant other.




FME: Are you married of have you ever been married?

Andy: I've been divorced for three years. Ryan and I are currently in a relationship and hoping to get married in the fall. Since our father is not on either one of our birth certificates we may have found our loophole for that.

Another Couple Denied the Freedom to Marry

If my recollection is correct, this is the 44th ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The man interviewed below is college-educated and clearly able to make decisions for himself. He should be free to decide for himself if he should marry another consenting adult. Yet he and his lover face discrimination and prejudice for their love, and must hide the truth from many people. They aren't hurting anyone; why should they have to hide their love and be denied their rights?


Read the interview below and see for yourself what "Steve" has to say. You may think his relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it incredibly sexy, but whatever your reaction, should these lover be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?


*****


FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Steve: I am currently a senior in college about to graduate. I attend school and reside in a nice apartment in a major city in the northeastern U.S. My ethnic background is white, being half Italian and half Jewish. I have a medium frame and, overall I’d say I’m pretty average looking. I enjoy sports, having participated in a lot of them throughout high school and college. I come from a middle-class family consisting of my dad, mom and a younger brother.