Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Good Advice For the Poly Curious

Kal Cobalt has some advice for people who have been monogamous who are considering polyamory.

Going poly because it doesn't seem like a big deal is a recipe for disaster — it is a big deal. Think of your mono or poly orientation as similar to your sexual orientation: you can experiment with it, but going against your historical orientation just because your partner wants it is unlikely to turn out well. You might feel traitorous to yourself afterward or unfairly manipulated, neither of which are good for you or your relationship.

If you’re interested, go read the whole thing.

For some people, being polyamorous or being monogamous is almost or is as much a part of their identity as being gay, heterosexual, or bisexual. A poly person like that can’t live effectively and happily as a monogamist, nor could such a monogamous person last long in a polyamorous situation. But many other people fall somewhere between. Everyone should be able to be true to themselves. Do not misunderstand me, inherently poly people can be with just one person at the moment, or with nobody, and be happy, functional people, just as there are monogamous people who can be single and be happy, functional people. But trying to stuff an inherently poly person into permanent monogamy or an inherently monogamous person who needs their partner to be monogamous into a poly situation is going to be painful and result in dysfunction.
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