Intergenerational Relationships Aren't Automatically Abusive

After I boosted my post "Intergenerational Relationships Can Work" on the (DEFUNCT) Tumblr counterpart to this blog. (And again, we are talking about ADULTS.) This prompted someone to anonymously message that Tumblr blog...

Oh, hey! Somehow I didn't notice you supported intergenerational relationships, and I checked your answers to common objections and there was no reference to it, so may I direct you to a couple of links you might find interesting? They are against intergenerational relationships, but they might have notions you haven't considered.

From what I could see, the objections to intergenerational relationships (generally meaning 20 or more years difference in age) or even just age-gap relationships (less than 20, but, say ages 18 vs. 24 or 30 vs. 45) were all variations on the "power imbalance" argument.

Getting Started

It has become apparent to me that some people need advice on how to initiate a sexual relationship that’s not with a paid professional. 

Again: Never impose yourself on someone without their consent; their consent can end at any time.

Usually, you’ll need to be alone with the person you’ve set up this time with. Nobody else should be around unless you know they’d support you two getting sexual with each other. Be thoroughly washed, cleaned, and groomed.

Do what works.

What works will be whatever both you want to do together.

It might take trial and error to figure that out.

You want them to feel sexual, playful, aroused, even passionate. You want them to feel your interest in, and desire for, them. You want them to feel like they have an itch that you can scratch, and that you have an itch they can scratch.

It will usually involve conversation with each other, which can range from what they think about the weather to what their sexual fantasies are, depending on how things have already gone between the two of you. Compliments, flirting, and innuendos (if you’re good coming up with those) should be sprinkled into the conversation, if possible.

Talking usually won’t be enough. You might want to do one or more of the following:

• Sit/cuddle/snuggle together watching a movie or show (one that won’t be a turn off). Or telling each other stories.

• Sit in a private hot tub together.

• Sit in an automobile together overlooking the sunset, the night sky, or the city lights. (Just be careful not to run afoul of the law by doing things where you’re likely to get busted.)

• Sit closely together while sharing a light meal and conversation; even better if some finger foods are involved that you can feed each other (olives, grapes, chocolates, etc.)

• Dance slowly together to music, just the two of you, pressing together.

• Play games together, whether video games, board games, card games, whatever.

• Gentle touches. Touching will be very important. If they don’t welcome your touches, such as on their arm, shoulder, back, or knee, that’s not a good sign. If you know they’ve been exercising, working out, training, or doing physical labor, asking them if you can feel specific muscles (biceps, shoulders, calves, thighs, stomach/abs) can help bring further intimacy.

At some point, you will need to have the courage to make a move.

If you’re snuggled or cuddled together, or sitting next to each other, it can be as simple as placing their hand in a more intimate place on you or your hand on a more intimate place on them, even if the hand just rests there and doesn’t move.

You might want to offer neck, shoulder, back, or foot rubs, massages, or backscratches to get your hands on them. Allow them to return the favor if you’d like. When you have your hands on them, slowly and gently moving your hands further and further as they welcome you doing so can be one good way to start. When they have their hands on you, moaning or sighing in approval can help, as can encouraging them to move their hands further and further. 

If they welcome your hugs or embraces, you can drift your hands all over, if they allow that.

If they welcome your kisses on their cheek or forehead, maybe they’ll allow them on their lips or neck next.

Touching them in certain places with your hands or lips, with their consent, is a clear indication that the relationship is becoming sexual, even if you’re both fully clothed at the time. Remember, though, that consent to something isn’t consent to everything.

In addition to listening to what they say, pay close attention to their body language. Do they want you to continue? Are they blushing, breathing hard, smiling, giggling, looking you the eyes, closing their eyes, moaning or humming with pleasure? These are good signs.

If at least one of you is touching and kissing the other in a romantic or sexual way, with consent - congratulations, you’re on your way. Maybe one or both of you will want to remove articles of clothing from the other and/or yourselves. Maybe you’ll want to move from where you are to somewhere more comfortable.

As long as they welcome it, keep going as “far” as you want to. One or both of you might want to stop at a certain point, without having “completed” anything; that’s OK. “No,” “don’t,” “stop,” “not now,” or “wait,” from either one of you should immediately stop whatever is happening. Maybe, if you’re the one stopping them, you want them to do something else rather than stopping entirely; playfully redirect them.

Everyone has their own pace. It might take many dates to get to something you want to do. Or you might go further than you’d dreamed your first sexual encounter together would go. Be prepared to adjust and adapt. Be patient. Be kind. Usually, the goals will include getting penises erect and vaginas wet, and sometimes those things need additional help (lube, medication), and for each person to climax as many times as they want (usually through contact with the penis or clitoris), but again, things can be paused or stopped before any of those things happen, and some people have a good time even if none of those things happen. You can start cautiously, keeping things limited. If you both mutually agree to move beyond that, good!

Some things to keep in mind before and during all this:

• If this is your first time ever doing these things, meaning you’ve never had sex or “made out” with anyone ever, don’t try to hide that. Your date will almost certainly be able to tell. Everyone starts with no experience. Everyone learns as they go. Being honest about this is best. If this person has experience, they can teach you what to do, but each person is different, so what one person likes might not be what someone else wants.

• Being nervous is usually normal and natural. It’s OK to be nervous. Just be yourself and treat the other person with care.

• You might need or prefer be meet up with, or take the other person out, in public, maybe multiple times, before getting them alone in private. What that in involves can be anything; drinks, meals/picnics, desserts, walks, hikes, moviegoing, concertgoing, visiting museums, whatever you two will enjoy. But if you’re the one asking them out, make the arrangements; don’t put planning it on them or add to their mental load. Only ask questions about what they’ll want to do if you’re unsure about their needs (for example, don’t plan a horseback riding date if they are allergic to horses.)

• There’s nothing wrong with sipping alcohol, like wine, to ease your nerves and theirs, provided neither of you is a problem drinker or has a medical situation that precludes consuming alcohol; do NOT get them drunk, however. You want them able to understand what’s happening and to be able to give consent.

• Might condoms be needed? Condoms lower the risks of pregnancy and spreading certain diseases.

• Be prepared to address concerns and hesitations they have, which are more likely to be raised by them if you’ve had an established relationship with them that has been nonsexual until now.

• If you’re bigger/stronger than this person, keep in mind they might be feeling physically vulnerable while alone with you, which is all the more reason kindness and consent matter.

• While fiction can give you some examples, remember that it’s fiction. For example, porn is fantasy and usually involves what will look appealing or arousing on-camera. It’s usually not meant to be an educational how-to video.

[UPDATE: Being a Good Lover]

Basic Facts About Sex 

Cautious Consanguinamory 

Step 4 and the rest this page might help:

https://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.

Consanguinamory is Not Sick

As this blog and others have repeatedly shown, there is no good reason to keep laws, discrimination, or stigmas against consanguinamory (consanguineous or consensual incest sex or relationships) that is consistently applied to other relationships. One of the grasping-at-straws assertions that one might make when all of their justifications for denying rights fails is "people who do that are sick" or "those relationships are dysfunctional."

Before we do anything else, let's make it clear that we're talking about consensual sex and relationships, not abuse. It's not fair to point to abuse, assault, child molestation, etc. by a close relative as an example of how "incest" is "sick".

Alleging psychological problems or mental illness is something best left to mental health professionals, such as a psychiatrist (a medical doctor) or a psychologist. The opinion of someone without such credentials and some experience should be suspect. So, if someone makes the claim that we should criminalize or otherwise discriminate against consanguinamory because the behavior is based on mental illness, they should be asked 1) for their credentials; 2) if they have personally conducted an evaluation of the individuals involved and the dynamics of their relationship, and; 3) if all relationships they personally think are based on mental illness should be likewise criminalized or discriminated against. Usually, calling consanguinamory "sick" is just a thinly veiled variation on Discredited Arguments #1 and 3.

Why Do I Feel This Way?

Has anything like these ever happened to you?

• You wake from from an erotically charged dream, feeling strange or confused because it featured a close relative or family member.
  
  
• You're close to orgasm, whether you're alone or with at least one other person, and thoughts of a relative pop into your head, taking you to climax.
  
  
• You've found yourself admiring your relative "a little too much," whatever the setting or occasion.

If you have experienced anything like any of those, you're not alone. This is more common than many people think, because far more people have such thoughts than will admit to most people they know.

If we're talking about someone who recently came (back) into your life and you were essentially raised through childhood apart, then it could be reunion GSA, which is very common in such situations. See this page for more information. Most of this entry also applies to you, but is more focused on people who were always in each other's life, or for the most part have been.

Is It Normal?

Ancestry, DNA, 23, Family Trees, and You

It's happening so often now. Someone sends in their DNA to be tested and they learn about close relatives, some they didn't even know they had. Sometimes, family secrets are revealed.

23andMe, Ancestry.com, Family Tree DNA, GeneTree, Genographic Project, MyHeritage, and Navigenics, and other services, often along with social media and networking and ease of travel, means people meeting or reuniting with close relatives.

Have you discovered consanguinamory in your family tree?

What about donor-conceived people getting together?

Have new or long-lost relatives been revealed to you?

A lot of people are dealing with these things now. There are people who understand. You can always write me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com

Answering Arguments Against Polyamory

People who insist monogamy is the only acceptable relationship model, or that polyamorists should not have the same rights for their relationships as monogamists, almost always cite a few often-repeated reasons as to why. If you're polyamorous, you’ve probably heard most of these reasons, whether from coworkers, family, or complete strangers. Although I’m going to focus on polyamorous relationships, most of these are also applicable to open relationships, swinging, swapping, nonmonogamous sex, and ethical nonmonogamy in general whether the people involved identify as polyamorous or not.

Just about any objection people have to polyamory or other forms of ethical nonmonogamy fit into these common arguments, perhaps with different wording. Just so that you know, when I use the term “polygamy” I am referring to a subset of polyamory that involves marriage (whether by law, ceremony, or declaration of those involved), involving three or more spouses, whatever the structure of the relationship or the genders involved, as long as all involved are consenting adults.

1. “It is disgusting.” Also known as the “ick” or “eww” factor, this explains why the person using the argument would not want to have a polyamorous relationship, but their own personal disgust is not a justification for preventing other people from having a polyamorous relationship. Some people are disgusted by the idea of heterosexual sex, or their own parents having sex, but obviously this is not a justification to ban those things. Obviously, the consenting adults who want a polyamorous relationship aren’t disgusted by it. An effective response to this is “Don’t want a polyamorous relationship? Don’t have one.”

Coming Out Consanguinamorous

Introduction

"Coming out" means declaring or no longer hiding that you're consanguinamorous in orientation or in a consanguinamorous relationship. Whether, when, to whom, and how to come out is something that can weigh on the mind of a consanguinamorous person.

Getting to decide whether, when, to whom, and how to come out is a privilege that is sometimes denied people who are outed against their will or by accident. Consanguinamorous people should seriously consider how to protect themselves.

Please note this entry is about coming out in general, such as to family, friends, etc., not about coming out to a romantic/sexual/spousal partner. That has many different considerations and warrants its own entry.

Stay in the Closet If/Until...

Intergenerational Relationships Can Work

Are you in or considering an intergenerational relationship? Are you against such relationships?

By “intergenerational,” I’m talking about ADULT generations. I’m talking about CONSENTING ADULTS. I just wanted to get that out of the way. I’m not talking about adults preying on minors, pedophilia, etc.

The Bad

Although not illegal, nonconsanguineous relationships between adults with a sizable age difference do face prejudice and discrimination. Stereotypical assumptions, expressed as though they are automatically negative, are made about both the younger and older people involved in such relationships.

The older person, depending on age/gender, is often said to be:

Talk It Over and Discuss the Possibilities

People come to this blog because they are having feelings or experiences that are often met with prejudice elsewhere, or they know someone who is having such feelings or experiences. If you're not sure your partner(s) would accept your feelings or fantasies, the information below might help. Maybe you can show this to them and see if they'll agree to discussions.

Clinical psychologist David J. Ley, Ph.D. wrote something very helpful at psychologytoday.com titled "3 Ways to Meet Your Partner’s Sexual Ideals and Why You Should"...

Viewing your partner’s sexual ideals and needs as important and valuable protects and enhances your relationship. Even if you can’t meet your partners’ sexual ideals, sexual communion mitigates the degree to which that mismatch negatively impacts your relationship.

Ley goes on to describe how to start to use this. Although Ley is writing about partners, this also might be helpful for people who are not yet partners, such as if there is someone who is in your life as a family member or friend but you want to add a sexual bond to your relationship.

Nonjudgmental Listening. The best, first, and most important way that partners can express sexual communion with each other is by communicating about their sexual likes and dislikes, in a manner that involves respect and acceptance. Acknowledging and valuing your partners’ sexual preferences is a critical and meaningful way to let them feel valued and accepted as a person, within your relationship. Have a conversation (actually, it’s best to have lots of little conversations as opposed to just one big one) with your partner about their sexual needs and experiences. Try to make them feel like you are interested and curious about their sexuality. Believe it or not, this is as valuable in long-term relationships with decades of history as it is in fresher relationships. Most people never tell anyone, even their life partners, about their sexual fantasies and interests, for fear of rejection and judgment.

Emphasis mine. Listening is so important. Getting your partner(s) to open up and share with you is the way to grow and deepen the relationship.

Is There Any Sexuality You Don't Support?

Someone asked me that question privately.

If by sexuality, one means gender identity or sexual orientation… I support people being free to be themselves, as long as they don’t force themselves on others (like predators of children).

Regarding sex…

I believe in the basic human rights of freedom of religion, association, expression, and assembly. Anything consenting adults do together should be up to them, and should not be something to be subjected to criminal prosecution, discrimination, or bullying. Nor should minors close in age be prosecuted or forced into “treatment” for having sex with each other.

I don't consider rape, assault, or child molestation to be "sex." I'm all for prosecuting for those.

I think if someone is at the age of consent for sex, that age of consent should also apply to being recorded or photographed. If someone wants to make videos of themselves to take pictures of themselves or let someone else do it, and they want to show it to others, and another person of the age of consent wants to view it, fine.

Regarding marriage…

I support the right to marry for everyone. An adult should be free to marry any and all consenting adults.

But…

My support of legal rights and protections does not mean I personally support all sex or marriages.

For example, I think it is a bad idea for, say, a woman who needs monogamy to have sex on the first date, and if a friend like that wants my "support" I would tell her no, it is a bad idea.

Another example… I think it is safe to say we’ve all known people who announced they were going to get married and we cringed (if only inside) because we didn’t think they were right for each other, or perhaps in a place in their lives where they were ready to be married.

I am also against cheating (but again, I don’t think it should be a criminal matter). Cheating is when someone breaks an existing vow to another through action, rather than informing the person(s) with whom they have the vow that the agreement is ending. There are married couples who have agreements that allow one or both of them to have sex with other people, and per those agreements doing so would not be cheating.

However, if someone tells me they are happily involved with their close biological relative, or two close biological relatives, and none of them are cheating to do it, then yes, I support them. I support happy, healthy same-gender relationships, interracial relationships, polyamorous relationships, intergenerational relationships (adults), and consanguinamorous relationships.

I am sex-positive. Sex is a good thing for many reasons. We’d be better off if more people were having more sex and sex that was more satisfying to them. So generally, I “support sex.” Those who don’t think sex is a good thing or talk as though it isn’t may be doing it wrong, or may have forgotten what it is like (certain asexuals excepted).

What about you? Are you sex-positive?

No Time For Bigots

I’ve adopted a personal policy and I recommend it for anyone who supports rights for all.

I don’t have time for bigots.

Bigots will never stop the hate.

Time is wasted on them.

I save my time for helping lovers and those who want to be, helping allies, helping legitimate journalists, academics, and media producers, and the genuinely questioning, curious, confused, and uncertain. Is someone you know involved in consanguinamory and/or nonmonogamy, or some other relationship you don’t understand, and you’re not sure what to think, say, or do? Those are the people who will get my time.

In private communications, I’ll at least block bigots; maybe more.

If they leave a comment on this blog, I might analyze it in a post. If it’s devoid of any worthiness of response, it may simply get deleted. I’ll still analyze and counter bigotry I see in media. 

If they interact publicly on social media, I’ll only keep interacting if I think anyone, such as someone else observing, could benefit. Otherwise they’ll be ignored, muted, blocked; maybe reported, depending.

These ways might also be applied when someone in one community rejects solidarity with others. Throwing others under the bus isn’t acceptable. We must seek rights for all.

There is no good reason to deny people their basic rights to their identity, orientation, and the relationships to which they mutually agree, including full marriage equality.

The bigots will continue to shrink in numbers. Those who refuse to let go of bigotry will, more and more, find themselves keeping their prejudices to themselves, and eventually they will die out. More and more people will support rights for all.

Is a Woman Unable to Consent to Marry Her Sibling?

[Bumping this up because it is still revelant.] I take the idea of consenting adults seriously. An adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion should be free to share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage (or any other legal union offered) with any and all consenting adults.

This does not mean I think any given person is a good match for any other person, or that they are treating each other right. It just means whether or not they have a relationship and what they do together should be up to them, not anyone else.

Our laws are inconsistent about this. A 22-year-old woman living below the poverty level can legally consent to sign a prenuptial agreement and legally marry a 60-year-old male billionaire. She can have sex with the President of the United States, who obviously has much more power than her. The law in many places allows her to marry a complete stranger. Also, in most places, she can legally live with and consent to sex with a man who has what amounts to a harem, or she can consent to group sex with several weightlifting champions she’s never met before, or an older man who’s been her next-door neighbor since she was born and babysat her throughout her childhood, and is now living on death row as a convicted murderer. That’s all legal. However, in many places she’s still barred from legally marrying another 22-year-old woman, and in even more places, she is still barred from having consensual sex with, let alone marrying a full or half sibling, even if they weren’t raised together. I have yet to hear a reason justifying such discrimination that withstands scrutiny.

Some tweets were directed to me by a thoughtful person questioning brother-sister marriage, and those tweets deserve responses longer than I could post there, so I’m putting my response here.

Living Consanguinamorously - What About Roles?

Q: In a consanguinamorous relationship, what happens to the biological roles?

This is sometimes asked as “Do they still see themselves as siblings (or parent/child, etc.)?” or various other questions.

A (Short): It depends. Every situation has some differences from others.

A (Long): One of the questions usually asked in the exclusive interviews featured on this blog is that very question. Consanguineous lovers are asked if they see each other primarily as lovers or as family or if those things are inseparable. Hopefully in any relationship, people see each other as people first and foremost.

Relationships come in many varieties.

Consanguinamorous Youth

This blog is about equal rights for consenting adults.

But what about legal minors? It is dangerous to ignore that many legal minors experiment, explore, and get affectionate. I'm talking about age peers. I'm also addressing young people who have feelings for a parent, aunt, uncle, or other significantly older relative. If an older person is coercing you, or messing with you while you (try to) sleep, that's NOT what this is about. Don't let anyone abuse you!

Much of this entry on how consanguinamorous people can protect themselves is relevant, as can this entry on living together.

This essay is a result of someone anonymous contacting this blog's sister Tumblr to describe a situation he had experienced in his life and to ask if there are any resources to help people who are currently in the position he'd been in so many years ago.

A subsequent message was from a teacher who had to report minors who've revealed their experiences with consanguineous sex, due to mandatory reporting laws that apply to people in certain jobs.

What do you do if you're in a consanguineous relationship or you think you have a consanguinamorous orientation, but you're under the age of consent or not a legal adult?

Please note: Most of this entry is going to be strictly about how things are and practical situations, not about the morality of any given situation or actions. While we welcome all adults and anyone struggling due to prejudice against their gender identity, sexual orientation, or relationships, this entry is NOT endorsing or advocating underage sex or anything else illegal.

Living Consanguinamorously - Dating Outside the Family

"Is it cheating to keep or start being with my relative while dating people outside the family?"

Cheating, which is not to be confused with ethical nonmonogamy, is violating existing agreements with one or more lovers while letting them believe the agreement continues to be in effect and unaltered. So if you have an ongoing sexual relationship with a close relative or family member you will keep, or you are pursuing one, you should not indicate to potential new lovers outside the family that you'll be sexually exclusive with them.

While many people find consanguinamorous relationships to be the best, or are consang in orientation, others are polyamorous (especially as an orientation) and either don't find other consanguineous lovers or have a need for someone who happens to be outside of the family. They might even want a unrelated lover as a practical matter, whether due to discrimination against consanguinamory or not. Please do not make someone an unwitting beard, however; it's generally a bad idea to deceive someone entering into a committed relationship with you because you aren't or can't be out about your orientation, relationships, or sex life.

There is not necessarily a need to tell potential new lovers you're involved in or pursuing consanguinamory. In most cases, outing yourself would be a bad idea, especially since consanguinamory is still illegal in many places. However, in many more places, ethical nonmonogamy has mostly been decriminalized or wasn't criminalized in the first place, depending on where you are, so it is far less of a problem to be out as an ethical nonmonogamist.

Do It This Way

Successful GSA Relationships

There is a split in the Genetic Sexual Attraction community, as I have noted before. I checked out a certain other site's posting with the same title as this entry. Below, I analyze what was written.

We often get this question- Are there any successful GSA relationships?

To answer the question... YES!

Are people in such relationships willing to do interviews that reveal their identities? Almost never.

Or the media will inquire about speaking with GSA couples living in the shadows of society afraid to announce they are actually reunited family members living as lovers.

I don't think many of those couples (or triads) are likely to keep in friendly contact with these negative naysayers. I know some who don't, and they ceased contact after they took over an established forum where people had long been contributing.

The more I work with the GSA community the more I hear about heartbreak and pain, because most often these relationships do not work.

Because that is that is who you attract! You take a negative attitude towards GSA and you offer sex-negative counseling for people who are having problems. What happy lovers are going to bother to come to you, especially if they have to pay money (leaving an clear, easily obtainable trail of evidence some ridiculous prosecutor could use) just to use your forum?

Most romantic/sexual relationships do not "work" if you mean by that "lasting for a lifetime and that lifetime not ending in the murder of one by the other." Most relationships break up, or most of us would still be in our first relationships. But there ARE lasting, happy, loving and very passionate relationships initiated through GSA.

Has Your Partner Experienced Consanguinamory?

I used be active at a certain Big Internet Portal's Question and Answer service, until someone who couldn’t handle me answering questions truthfully when it comes to certain romantic or sexual topics decided to get me "suspended" using a weakness in their automated system. After that, I'd still check to see what questions were being asked there, even though I couldn't participate in any way or even contact anyone there unless they had somehow provided an email address in their question or answer. I will not link to the service, but I will quote it. Someone named Lauren asked this question...

Ok.....complicated one, recently found out my husband and his younger sister had sex for a number of years between the ages of 10-12, this is what he's telling me tho I'm aware this may have more to it? We are a young couple married with two children (boys) my relationship with his family has never been great and this hasn't helped! Can anyone give me any advice or your thoughts on how you would deal with this news? I'm up and down and so confused.....

Questions like this come up more than people might think. Person A is dating or married to Person B and Person A suspects or has found out that Person B has been sexually involved with a sibling or other family member. Person A usually wants to know what they should do.

It is important to clarify the situation by determining the answers to some questions.

1) Is this something that is suspected or has it been confirmed?

A Reluctant Mother Discovers the Joy of Son

People of a wide variety of backgrounds reach out to me. I keep their privacy and can often be of some help to them with my perspective.

Every once in a while, someone will send me hate mail.

Several months ago, someone sent me a private message:

I dont know who you are or where you get off but i want you to know you have ruined a family. My son recently came to me, showed me yourwebsite and blogs here and then told me he wants to have sex with me and that incest is ok!!!!

He’s a teenager!

What do you have to say for yourself?!

I didn’t respond because I figured a rational discussion wasn’t a possibility. I just hoped that the son wasn’t going to be subjected to shame and “therapy” for having normal feelings.

Two months passed.

I received an email with the subject line of “I’m sorry.”

It read…

Hello,

I wrote a message to you, accusing you of things that werent your fault and i am sorry. It was wrong of me.

Sincerely

I wrote back and expressed thanks for the apology, as that took much courage and character, and engaged her in a dialogue.

Below is some of what she’s told me so far over the course of our dialogue. This is all published with her permission, with spelling and grammar corrected and redactions for “language” and privacy. My comments are in bold.

The discussion is unavoidably explicit.

*****

Frequently Asked Question: Is This Incest?

One frequently asked question is whether dating this person would be incest, or if doing this activity with a close relative is incest. The question is posed in different ways…

Is this incest?
Is it incest to date my in-law?
Is it incest to date my adopted sister?
Is it incest to date my adopted brother?
Is it incest to date my stepbrother?
Is it incest to date my stepsister?
Is it incest to date my uncle?
Is it incest to date my aunt?
Is it incest to date my cousin?
Is it incest to kiss my brother?
Is it incest to kiss my sister?
It it incest if my sibling and I have masturbated in front of each other?

The subtext is usually, “Is it wrong?”

First of all, regardless of laws, I see nothing wrong with any kind of physical affection, contact, or companionship between any consenting adults or minors who are close in age, as long as existing vows to others are not being violated. This includes dating, literally sleeping together, seeing each other nude, hand-holding, hugging, kissing (of any sort,) contact with genitals, intercourse, living together, marrying, etc. If these people are right for each other and want this with each other, then it shouldn’t be anyone else’s place to object.

As I always point out, I’m writing about consensual experimentation, exploration, affection, making out, sex, love, dating, partnering, living together, and marriage. I’m not talking about assault, molestation, abuse, or coercion. If someone forces themselves on you, that is wrong regardless of their relation to you.

What is incest? That depends on who you ask. The definition I once found at Wikipedia was…

Ethical Nonmonogamy is Not Cheating

Cheating is breaking an existing agreement or vow and keeping/intending to keep that breech of the agreement a secret from the person or people with whom it was made rather than informing the other(s) that the agreement is over (which is "leaving").

Ethical nonmonogamy is not cheating. (ENM may also be known as “consensual nonmonogamy” or “disclosed nonmonogamy.”)

For example, Mark and Jenny are swingers. Their agreement is that they will only be with others when they are both present. Anything more than a hug or kiss on the cheek with someone else, or revealing genitals to someone else in a social context, when they are not together, is a no. They attend parties together and have sex with others there; that's not cheating. But while Jenny is out of town on business, Mark picks up a woman at a bar and she gives him oral sex. Under the agreement he has with Jenny, this is cheating. Other swingers have different rules.

Some people have open relationships/marriages and a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, meaning the partners can be with others and won't ask or tell each other about who or what or when, often with certain conditions such as using protection and having STI tests. If you're not communicating with a potential partner's other partner(s), you can't be sure that being with you wouldn't involve your potential new partner cheating. Ultimately, though, at some point you just have to trust what someone tells you because establishing an absolute negative is extremely difficult. How can you be sure they don't have an agreement with some other person out there that would be breached with whatever you're doing? You can't. You can only be sure that you're not cheating on someone.*

Ethical nonmonogamy can take many forms, from lifelong spousal triads and quads (polyamory) to couples swapping to swinging to open marriages to couples engaging in the occasional casual threesome to someone living alone but having casual hookups. Informed consent is the core of all of this. While ENM is not cheating, people who profess or attempt to maintain ENM might cheat, just like monogamists might cheat. If there is a closed triad and someone in the triad has a secret lover on the side contrary to the agreement with the two others in the triad, that's cheating. "Fluid bonding" is a term used in polyamorous circles. Someone might only have unprotected sex with one person, and protected sex with others. Going without protection would be a form of cheating.

One should never assume that someone who is married or at least coupled isn't available, although one can certainly decide they don't want to be with someone who is married or coupled. That's each person's decision to make. Just because someone is married or has a partner doesn't automatically mean they aren't available for romance or sexual affection or some other social activities (meals together, going to the theatre).

While one may decide that kissing someone else is cheating and a deal breaker for their relationship, not all cheating has the same implications and risks.