The Approach

There are many people I’ve communicated with who have no idea how to express and pursue romantic or sexual interest in someone else, at least if it doesn’t involve an app.

So, I thought I’d cover a few basics.

I want to make it very clear from the start that none of this is about imposing on someone against their consent.

On the flip side, it isn’t assault or harassment to approach someone who has expressed no interest in you yet, as long as you do it respectfully and gently, and back off if they decline. (You might want to avoid approaching anyone in your workplace, though.)

This IS about how to discern if someone else could be interested in you this way and letting them know you are interested them in this way. I can’t write for every set of customs on the planet, such as “arranged marriages” and elaborate rituals, and this essay assumes you are able and willing to act on mutual consent between you and the person you’re trying to approach.

This is mostly written with younger adults in mind, but much of it can be applied to adults of any age, especially if it’s been a long time since you’ve successfully looked for a partner in-person.

Approaching someone requires vulnerability on your part. You will be expressing (more) interest in them, and they might reject you, or at least decline your invitations. Thus it has been for generations. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Nothing “works” for, or on, “everyone.” People are diverse. So be flexible, adapt, and never impose on someone who has indicated they’re not interested.

Preparing

What are you looking for? A hookup/one night stand? A potential spouse? Something in the very wide spectrum between? Or is your answer to that question “Any of the above; it depends on the person?”

What you’re looking for helps to guide you on how you prepare.

What do you have to offer? Be honest with yourself. Is there anything about you that would interest potential lovers? Maybe you’re fun to hang out with. Maybe you’re a good conversationalist. Maybe you have a sexy body. Maybe you’re a good companion in general. Maybe you can touch your forehead with your tongue. Maybe you’re going to be a wealthy businessperson. Maybe you’re saving an endangered species.

If you don’t think you have much to offer, maybe you don’t. Or maybe you’re being too hard in yourself. But if you are lacking, there are ways to grow into someone who has more to offer. All some people want is someone who’ll listen to them, make them laugh, and touch them tenderly. 

How’s your hygiene and grooming? Except for rare fetishists, potential lovers want someone who is clean, doesn’t smell bad, and takes care of themselves. Clean hands and fingernails and a clean mouth (as in brushed teeth and good breath) are usually musts.

How do you present yourself to others? Does the way you dress indicate you care how you look? What’s your style? Don’t try to look like someone you’re not, but do look good for whatever your style is. That can range from a nice business suit to biker leather, a sundress to a business skirt.

You have self-control - usually. Most people have experiences and feelings that can overwhelm them from time to time, but if you’re looking for love, or sex, or sex AND love, behaving in a desperate, fearful, or out of control way won’t get you anywhere. “Losing control” is only good in the heat of passionate sex - sometimes. Not in getting to there.

Approaching Someone You Don’t Know Well

Approaching complete strangers or acquaintances, or neighbors you don’t know well is different than approaching someone you already know, which I will discuss below, after I discuss this.

The easiest way to begin is to ask questions that express interest it them. If they’re wearing, carrying, or doing anything that indicates their interest in something, asking about it can be one of the safest ways to start. If nothing else, you can ask them for their opinions on something nearby you’re about to try/buy/do, ask them for directions, or even ask them if you know them from somewhere or have met them before.

Asking them appropriate questions allows them to reveal more about themselves to you. In general, the more they’re willing to talk with you, the better. Also, their tone of voice and body language can give you indications. Are they smiling at you? Looking at you? Or are they putting up metaphorical walls, being curt and distant? If they are smiling at you and looking at you in a way that indicates they like what they see, that’s a good sign. Ask follow-up questions that show you’re listening to them and gets them talking about things that interest them or they are eager to share.

Offer compliments. These shouldn’t be crude. “Nice ass!” is usually going to be inappropriate, unless you’re at a farm as they’re showing off their donkey. Something like, “I like your hair,” or “Nice shoes,” or “Your eyes are gorgeous,” or “I like the way you kicked that mugger in the groin and threw him down the stairs.” Compliments can also be about something they said. “That sounds fascinating! I’d like to hear more about that.”

Flirt. Flirting usually consists of smiling, what you’re doing with your eyes, your overall body language, your tone of voice, and being playful with your compliments and whatever else you say. In so far as they welcome them, flirting can involve light, gentle touches such as on their arm or shoulder.

Set up a date. If everything above is going well, meaning they’ve received your flirting well and are flirting back, or at least they’re not breaking out a spray can full of mace, go ahead and ask for their phone number, and if you can, a date. Some people insist on being pursued rather than pursuing; if you’re one of them, offering your number and leaving it up to them to text or call is OK.

Make it easy for them. If you are OK doing the, or some, pursuing, suggest what you want to do, where, and when. For example:

“Will you join me for coffee or tea at Donna’s Tea Factory, tomorrow afternoon at 3? My treat.”

They might agree. Or decline. Or they might make a counter-suggestion, such as “How about Gary’s Frozen Yogurt at 8pm?”

That’s fine. There are people out there who tell you not to be flexible at all. Ignore that. Your goal is to set up a time and place for you two to begin to get to know each other better. Someone who comes back with an offer of a different time, place, or activity wants to spend time with you. Otherwise, they simply would have declined. By the way, dates don’t have to cost much. Meeting at a park for a nice walk and sitting on a bench can be most of the date; but keep in mind that most people aren’t their best on an empty stomach or with low blood sugar.

Another essay will address what to do on dates, but starting at step 5 on this page and adapting it to your situation can help. UPDATE! Here’s that essay about what to do on dates.

That all assumes you have someone in front of you you’re interested in. If you don’t, go where you’re likely to find people you might want to date. Bookstores used to be great for that, because you could see what they were reading and that might reinforce your interest. Or not. Such bookstores are getting harder to find. If you’re attending college, a trade school, or any other adult educational institution, going where other students gather can help. At any age, getting involved in an activity that indicates common interests, such as a charity or another nonprofit, or some local civic, hobby, or sports club can be a way to do that. Of course there are also bars and night clubs, if that’s your thing.  

Approaching Someone You Know Well

If there is someone you know well, and you want to add a romantic and/or sexual bond with them, attempting to initiate that may have some differences from approaching someone you don’t know well.

A benefit is that you already know each other. A potential hindrance is that for some people, if a romantic or sexual bond wasn’t explored with them before, they might have placed you in their mind into a nonsexual, nonromantic category, and changing that can extremely difficult.

It might help to understand why it has been a nonsexual, nonromantic relationship up until now. There are so many possibilities. Some of them include:

• Availability - at least one of you wasn’t available, whether due to existing commitments, geographic distance, mental or physical health issues, or more

• Professional connection - you were previously coworkers or boss/employee, one of you did some work for the other, you were educator and student, etc.

• Personal growth or transformation - at least one of you has recently figured out your priorities, matured, gained sobriety, achieved some stability, accepted the truth about your gender/sexuality/relationship needs, started to see the other as an attractive romantic/sexual person, gained the courage to be vulnerable, etc.

• Customs or taboos - you now realize that the disapproval of some strangers, especially dead strangers, shouldn’t prevent you from adding bonds with this person 

Don’t assume they are available just because you don’t know of any current partners, nor should you assume they’re unavailable because they do have current partners (although if their response to your approach is to tell you they have a partner, that’s usually a nice way of declining your offer, if it’s not part of a discussion about nonmonogamy).

Starting at step 4 on this page and adapting it to your situation might help.

Also, adapting much of what was written above about approaching strangers can work in getting this person you know to see you as a potential romantic/sexual partner and signal your interest in them as such.

Ask them open-ended questions to get them talking about romantic and/or sexual relationships. Ask for their opinions, thoughts, desires, preferences, experiences; whatever will get them talking. Need a starting point? Ask them about their dating life, or their thoughts about someone or something in the news - like a famous couple, or about other people you know, or a fictional situation you watched or read about, or mention a dream you had (even if you have to make it up). If things are going well enough, you can ask them questions that relate to your history and existing connection with them, even if you don’t clearly make it about the two of you. For example, “Do think it’s OK for former coworkers to date?” If they say yes, you can ask them if they’d be willing to date a former coworker. If they say yes, you might be able to ask them for a date.

Offer compliments. An advantage in offering compliments to someone you know well is that your compliments can be specific to the things they care most about. Some compliments should be more of the romantic or physical nature than you’ve offered them before, complimenting their appearance, for example.

Flirt. Flirting with this person should include much more physicality than with someone you barely know. More touches as you pass by them; leading them by the hand or otherwise holding their hand(s), more hugs, longer and tighter hugs, perhaps with drifting hands; kisses, more kisses, more suggestive kisses; even sitting on their lap or inviting them to sit on yours or next to you, depending on the situation.

Get them alone/Set up a date. Things aren’t going to get very far unless you can get them alone, or unless whoever else is present is supportive of you two getting together. This may involve going out on dates but, depending on the situation, might involve dates at home. Especially if it still hasn’t been established to them you are interested in them romantically and/or sexually, setting up regular, recurring dates might help. For example, suggest getting together regularly to watch movies, or play tennis, or go for walks, or share coffee, or play games/cards, or whatever, whether weekly or daily or whatever makes sense that you’ll both enjoy.

Discussion is essential. Because you’re trying to add additional bonds to an existing relationship, sooner or later you two will have to discuss what’s happening. It may feel weird or awkward, especially to them, even more so if it goes against customs or taboos. They may need reassurance that you’re not acting on a mere whim, or confused, and that this is truly what you want. Be prepared for them to express hesitations based on the prior bonds you have shared; your sincerity and thorough assurance can clear away those hesitations if they are able to reciprocate your feelings. If they can’t reciprocate your feelings, they may cling to the hesitations to soften saying “no” to you.

Again, never impose yourself on anyone against their consent.

A subsequent essay will examine dating behaviors. UPDATE: Here it is.

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.

Helping Your Family Members With Parenting

Life isn't neat and tidy. 

Even though there has been much pressure to force people into a heteromonogamous, single-race (but not consanguineous!) marriages and parenting in "nuclear family" homes, the majority of families don't stay with that construct indefinitely. 

Some parents don't marry, some divorce, some are widowed, some remarry, sometimes three or four generations are in the home, sometimes sons or daughters don't leave home until well into adulthood, if at all, sometimes they leave and come back, sometimes aunts and uncles live in the home, sometimes it's a home of a polycule, sometimes it's a couple of gay men, sometimes a couple of lesbian women, and on and on and on. There are adoptive homes, foster homes, homes with renters, homes with friends who live there, a bunch of roommates, on and on the variations go.

The point of this is that there may be someone in your family who could use some help raising their children, for so many different reasons, and it may be helpful if you lived together.

Especially if there is no other parent involved, it could be helpful if you could be designated as another parent to the child or children. Things that might help can include:

1) Being listed as another parent on any official paperwork.
2) Officially adopting the child or children.
3) Being married to the other parent.

There are sociologists who insist that it is best for a child to have parents married to each other, living in the same home. If that is true, isn't that another reason we should have full marriage equality? If a woman finds raising her children with her sister, mother, father, or brother, or a man finds raising his children with those family members to be the best option, why should they be denied their right to marry, if that's what they want? A single mother, for example should be free to marry her sister or brother, and that other sibling should be able to adopt the children, if that's what is wanted. This should be the case whether the siblings have a sexual or romantic relationship or not.

Wouldn't that be what's best for the children, if the adults want that?

This is another example of why the denial of full marriage equality needs to end. We need full marriage equality now.

Statistically, a relationship between two siblings on good terms will have more stability than with potential stepparents from outside the family.

Are you helping to raise your nephews or nieces or grandchildren? Might it be helpful if you were allowed to marry their parent?

Valentine’s Day is a Saturday This Year

For those of you who’ve been thinking about getting something started with someone or trying to get something started with someone, this could be your chance.

This especially applies when the person you’re trying to get with is someone already a regular part of your personal life, as is the case with close relatives or family members.

Does that person or those people already have plans for Saturday, February 14? If not, maybe you should set something up for them?

Set a date. Dates can be at home. The restaurants and other venues will be busy; setting up a nice evening in can be just what is needed.

Much of what is here on this page applies. Ideally, you’d already be to point number 4. Start now if you haven’t started yet.

If they don’t have a date, tell them you’ll treat them to a nice evening. If you don’t know whether or not they have a date, ask them if they have plans.

This doesn’t need to be a big production. Set the scene; you want to be alone with them unless anyone else present will help make things happen. Make or buy their favorite foods and drinks. Get them a nice gift that more on the romantic or erotic side, depending. We want them to feel appreciated and desired.

Special occasions can be the best time to get something started or add a new bond. Sitting around fantasizing about it for the rest of your life, never taking action even though you’ve had opportunities or could have created opportunities, is not the way to go through life. It’s up to you.

Good luck!

Is Polyamory Just a Renamed Swinger Lifestyle or Open Marriage?

No. This is a common misconception.

Swinging, open marriage, and polyamory are all forms of ethical, disclosed, or consensual nonmonogamy, meaning none of them are cheating, but they aren’t the same thing as each other.

Swingers have casual sex at clubs, events, or parties, usually ones that are mainly there or being held for the swinging element. Couples (and triads, and...) who swing have agreed with each other to do so.

Polyamory involves having a dating, romantic, partner, or spousal relationship with more than one person in a way to which those involved have agreed. For example, three people might live together as partners with each other in a triad. Or, one person might have ongoing dating relationships with three different people, none of whom spend time with each other, but all three of them are aware and agreeable to the fact that the person they are dating is seeing other people, not for the purposes of “picking” one of them, but on a continuing basis. Each of them may or may not be seeing or living with other partners. Polyamory can take many different forms.

An open marriage or open relationship is a marriage or relationship that isn't closed to new partners. The people in the marriage or relationship have agreed that one, both, or all of them are open to finding new partners, whether separately or together, whether those partners are for casual sex (like with swinging, or hookups, or threesomes) or a spousal relationship (like with polyamory), or some other way.

People in an open marriage or open relationship might swing, or might be polyamorous, or might look for casual encounters that aren't part of swinging. But many polyamorous people are in closed relationships and aren't open to having new partners. Some swingers consider their marriage or relationship only open for swinging and not anything else; it's not a generally open relationship and neither or none of them are looking for anyone outside of the context of swinging.

So...

Swingers may or may not consider themselves polyamorous.
Polyamorous partners may or may not swing.
Swingers might be in an generally open relationship or only be "open" for swinging.
Polyamorous relationships can be open or closed.

Whether you know it or not, you know people who are in consensually nonmonogamous relationships. You know people who are, or have been, swingers. You know polyamorous people. You know people in open relationships. People of all walks of life find these forms of ethical nonmonogamy suit them and their relationships. Some of them are health care providers, firefighters, accountants, airline pilots, military personnel, engineers. lawyers, educators, clergy, or stay-at-home parents.

Nonmonogamous people shouldn't be discriminated against or denied their rights. Let people have the relationships to which they've mutually agreed.

Frequently Asked Question: Why Is Incest Illegal?

It shouldn’t be illegal anywhere, as you’ll see. As always, we note that we are talking about consensual incest (consanguinamory), such as between consenting adults, and between minors close in age. We are not talking about anything involving coercion or force or molestation. There are laws against rape, assault, and molestation, and they should remain. We are talking about consensual incest, consanguineous sex and marriage, and consanguinamory, whether initiated through Genetic Sexual Attraction or not.

Short answer: It isn’t illegal everywhere, but where it is, it is the lingering result of sex-police holdovers, superstition, prejudice, and legislative inertia.

Long answer:

Martin Luther King, Jr.

In the US, Monday is a holiday, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. He was a giant in the fight for civil rights.



Many decades after he was assassinated, the fight for civil rights continues.

History is on our side. All consenting adults will be free to exercise their rights to share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage.

Are you like those who kept trying to keep some people second-class citizens, or are you like the people who marched with King?

This is how you can help.

When Someone You Love Wants To Love You More

You may have come to this blog because you think or know someone in your family or closely related to you is attracted to you, or has a crush on you, or wants to get romantic or sexual with you. You may have had a mix of reactions to this, whether you've been shocked, surprised, confused, amused, bemused, worried, flattered, aroused, creeped out, repulsed, nervous, or some combination of these. So what do you do when a relative has a crush or very strong attraction to you?


These Feelings Are Normal and More Common Than You Think

These feelings are not so rare. There’s not necessarily any reason to get them to a mental health professional because they have these feelings. They are especially common when you were not raised by one another or with each other, but even if you were raised together or by one another, it's not unheard of.


These Feelings Aren't Wrong

Their feelings are their own. It is OK for them to have their feelings, and they certainly aren't alone in having such feelings.

And your feelings are your own.


Their feelings do not require you to act one way or another, but doing nothing at all is probably the worst way to react.

If you're feeling the same as they are, or want to seriously consider adding this bond to your relationship, you might be better off going to this entry here.

But if you're somewhat unsure, ambivalent, wavering, or all the way over to the side of being fairly certain you want no part of such a situation, the rest of his entry is for you.


Initial Reaction

Unless you've been hoping for this moment, you should probably take some time to think it over, even if your initial internal reaction was "No!" If you've already reacted negatively to them, there's still a chance to smooth things over.


Are You Sure It is How They Feel?


As we like to say around here, thinking and knowing are two different things.

It’s pretty clear how they feel if they explicitly say that they want to get it on, or they made an unmistakable physical pass at you, or you’ve overheard them masturbating and saying your name, or you’ve discovered that they keep images of you that are sexy or explicit or are very suggestive, or the history/files on their smart phone, tablet, or computer reveals they’ve been thinking about how to get with you.

If you've got a vagina and you find that your underwear (especially used) keeps getting moved or disappears and reappears in their room, that’s a pretty strong signal on their part; there is only doubt if they are the same size as you, in which case there is a small chance they wanted to wear it (washed). If you find that your underwear/lingerie or toys keep getting moved or used, that’s a strong indicator. It is also something I advise against people doing, just FYI.

If they've left this very essay for you to find, then it should be clear.

If you have such clarity, You can skip down to the next section.

But if it hasn’t been that clear, there's a chance they're not making a play or inviting you to. They may not even want to act even if they do have feelings for you in that way.

If you only think they might be interested, it could be a misunderstanding or maybe you are misreading them (or even projecting your own latent feelings).

Flirting or behaviors that would look like flirting to the average observer ignorant of your relation might be an indication, but those things aren't definitive if not explicit or blunt.

Maybe you've found out that they like (or even create) porn or erotica with incestuous themes. This does not necessarily mean they are attracted to you and want to have sex with you and are hoping to have sex with you. It's a very popular genre. Some people enjoy such material or even have a fetish for it without actually wanting to be with their own family members. Porn is usually very different from reality, after all. On the other hand, it can be a sign of interest.

Hints, clues, or signs likely to indicate they're interested:

• They look for reasons to be around you, especially alone, without an apparent agenda. 
• They suggest or arrange for you two to do things that romantic couples might do, even if it they try to make it seem like an accident (such as getting the two of you in a hotel room with just one bed). 
• They have increased physical contact with you. 
• You catch them staring at you or giving you lingering looks. 
• They’ve started or increased discussions about sex with you, especially consanguineous sex and relationships, and especially if it involves “joking” about consanguinamory or something happening between the two of you. 
• They express jealousy or envy towards your (potential) dates or lovers. 
• The people they date or find most attractive have similarities to you in appearance, age, mannerisms, etc. They may even (try to) date your friends. 
• They’ve “accidentally,” or have had excuses to, come in to where you are changing clothes or showering/bathing or have tried to call you in when they are changing clothes or showering/bathing when it hasn’t been typical for you to be in those circumstances together. 
• They are dressing up more impressively than usual or in more revealing clothing around you for no apparent reason.
• They’ve started to invite you to tell them how they look or if something they’re wearing is appropriate. 
• They mention having a sexual dream that included you. Even if they play it off as funny or strange, they could be trying to see how you react.
  

None of these by themselves mean it is certain they are sexually attracted to you, but the more that you recognize them doing, the more likely they are.

If you're still unsure and you don't want to come right out and ask them because it could be embarrassing, you can give them a chance to speak plainly about their feelings for you by talking about the subject in general. If you talk about it in a way that indicates to them that it is safe for them to talk with you about it and they can tell you anything, then they’ll reveal if they do feel that way for you. Some ways of doing this would be to say that you had a dream that included them, or that you’d consider it flattering if someone in the family thought you were attractive. You can say things like, "Is there anything on your mind you're not telling me? You can tell me anything, and I mean anything." Or something like, "You know, I've been thinking about how rare it can be for people to find a very strong, special connection to each other, and it is shame that some people think there is anything wrong with consenting adults loving each other in any way they want." There are many things you could say that will give them the confidence to be vulnerable with you.


You're Positive They Want to Jump Your Bones

No matter what your feelings are, you need to make it clear what boundaries, if any, you need to be in place.

Again, if you think you want to go for it, whether you’ve been hoping they feel that way or you’re curious or want to explore or experiment, go ahead and see this.

If you need limits on what is going to happen, when, where, etc., then you need to discuss that with them, as you should for any romantic or sexual relationship you’d have with anyone. Maybe your limits include cuddling, maybe kissing, maybe simply being naked around each other, maybe masturbating in front of each other, or touching each other or various forms of sexual contact. Maybe you want to move more slowly than you have with others (although many people in these situations end up moving faster than they have with others, and often regret that they didn’t get together sooner.)

If you think there is no way you'd want to get any more physically affectionate or romantic than you already do with them, do you know why? Consider if you’re internalizing a senseless prejudice against something that could be very enjoyable for both or all of you and bring you closer together. It might be a good idea to tell the other person you need some time to think about things. Sometimes, people who are initially shocked or have a negative reaction, after thinking it over, realize they have a mutual interest. The thought that they want you might have caught you off-guard or shocked you. Take some time of think about it. This is someone who loves you and knows you. It had to take some courage on their part to be vulnerable with you if they volunteered to you how they feel.

While there is no good reason to have laws or taboos against such relationships, you may have a reason to not have such a relationship, at least with this person. After all, each person needs to decide for themselves that they’re going to do and with whom when it comes to physical contact and romantic activities.

If you're not going to further or continue sexual or romantic affection, it would be best to let them down easy, and you probably want to let them down easy, unless they’ve been coercive in their approach. Who likes to be rejected?

Some things you might want to say, depending on the situation:

• You’re flattered 
• You love them
• You’re not upset with them 
• You just can’t go there because your feelings for them, while loving and pleasant, are entirely non-romantic and/or non-sexual 
• You’re not open to a romantic or sexual relationship anyone right now (or anymore) 
• You’re committed to someone else/others and do not want to jeopardize that 
• You just can’t take the possible risks
  

Even if you already reacted in a way that wasn’t exactly letting them down easy, you can go back to them and tell them that you’re flattered, you’re sorry you reacted that way, but you were caught off guard, then tell them one or more of the statements above.

If you take the route of not “going there,” be sure to be mindful of what you’re doing around them because you do not want to tease them or give them false hope. It is tough enough for them to deal with the rejection; don’t add to the difficulty.

Also, they may be consanguinamorous as their orientation, and even if they aren't they might pursue a consanguinamorous relationship with someone else. Here's how to be an ally.

If you'd like to contact me to discuss these matters further, you can write me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com

(Disclaimer: This entry assumes you live, or would move to, someplace where affection would not be a criminal matter.)


How To Pull Off Living With Your Consanguineous Lover

NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #4

“My religion is against it.” If you don’t want an (adult) intergenerational, interracial, same-gender, polygamous, or consanguineous relationship or marriage, then don’t have one. But we should all have the freedoms of religion and association and in places like the US, we have separation of church and state, so this can’t be a justification for denying marriage equality or other relationships rights.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #3

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #5 

A Cruel Double Standard

I've considered adding another entry to the Discredited Arguments page, because I've heard and read people say that people in consanguinamorous relationships (or step or adoptive relationships that have gone romantic) don't need the freedom to marry because they're already family. In addition to being as senseless as telling a woman she can't marry her sister's husband's brother (which is legal and does happen) because they are already family, the statement can bring up a very cruel double standard.

In many situations involving Genetic Sexual Attraction, the lovers are not legally family for the purposes of insurance, benefits, taxes, hospital visitation, next of kin, etc. because they were adopted into or born into (via sperm, egg, or embryo donation) different families. Also, in many places, when a married woman gives birth, the child is legally her spouse's child as well. What if, due to sex with someone other than her spouse, the woman's child is genetically a half-sibling to another married couple's child, and as adults they decide they'd like to marry?

The double standard is that, while these genetically related people don't enjoy the benefits of being family, in places that still have ridiculous laws discriminating against consensual adult incest, they are considered family and thus can (and are) criminally prosecuted for consensual sex or at least denied their right to marry.

You're not family so you can't get the benefit of being family. You are family so you are going to be prosecuted for having loved each other in sexual way. That's cruel.

As an example, if something were to happen to Melissa and she ended up in a hospital, her adoptive parents could bar Matthew and Linda from even being by her side, let alone making decisions about her care, even though Matthew and Linda are, for practical purposes, her spouses. She would be married to them if she could, but the law isn't there yet.

Those who are sharing, or want to share their lives as spouses or partners often do need the same rights, benefits, and protections as any other spouses, and there’s no good reason to deny them their fundamental right to marry. Also, marriage automatically provides for next-of-kin status, which is especially important when there is some discord between at least one of the lovers and legal family members outside of the consanguinamorous relationship.

There are many cruel double standards when trying to tell other consenting adults how to love each other. GSA or not, consanguinamorous people need discriminatory laws to be done away with, and need access to the protections provided by marriage, if they want them. This is yet another reason we need full marriage equality sooner rather than later.

When Middle-Aged Siblings Get Together

[Bumping this up]

Some people find this blog from doing a search. Today's interesting search phrase is...

Causes of middle age sibling incest

I'm assuming this is about sex, which is consensual, rather than assault.

I've largely explained the "causes" in this posting, which was about a father and adult daughter.

I have no way of knowing if the person doing the search is such a lover, has a partner who is involved, is a family member or friend, or someone else.

What I do know is that sex between siblings is common enough that everyone knows someone who is, or has been involved.

Since the previous posting I linked was about an adult and their parent, I'll add a few comments here specifically dealing with siblings.

For some middle-aged siblings, the origin of their sexual interaction goes back to having sexual contact as teenagers, which could have stopped for many reasons, including someone else intervening and stopping it, fear of persecution, the siblings finding other partners, going their separate ways for education and employment, and other reasons. Others have their first sexual contact with each other as middle-aged adults.

Having sex with each other in middle age, whether it is new or a resuming of past experiences, could be prompted by a variety of factors. Whether bored or dissatisfied in their relationships with others (and looking for a "safe" person to cheat with); looking to traverse what is, for them, new sexual territory whether they are single or in an open relationship; nostalgic for the past; looking for a "safe" partner who loves them after a breakup or divorce; brought into each other's presence and comforting each other after the death of a parent (or sibling or friend); one caring for the other through recovery from an injury or illness; just plain ol' curiosity or horniness combined with availability. Sometimes it is the first time the siblings have really been in each other's lives at all, and they feel a powerful attraction.

What causes these relationships isn't as important as respecting adults and their relationship and sexual rights. If they aren't cheating by sneaking behind a partner's back, violating an existing agreement, then siblings loving each other this way, especially as middle-aged adults, shouldn't be a matter for law enforcement nor finger-waggers. They are people who at least somewhat share a background, and are likely close in age, and the love each other. Be happy for them!

See:

Ten Myths About Sibling Consanguinamory

Interviews with Siblings in Sexual Relationships

Making a Move During the Holidays

Have you been waiting to make a move?

Is there someone you’ve wanted so badly to kiss? (And maybe do much more with?)

Christmas time might be the right time! People are feeling festive, and being around or under mistletoe is a great way to start kissing someone (with their consent).

If Christmas doesn’t work for that, there’s no better time to do it than the stroke of the New Year, when midnight hits and 2025 becomes 2026.

Of course, this assumes they’d welcome a kiss, and it requires you actually be the same place as them.

If neither of you are problem drinkers, some bubbly might help and be appropriate. Maybe some leftover mistletoe?

Keep things pleasant and fun as midnight approaches.

Then, when everyone’s excited, take your chance when you can.

Kissing at the turn of the year or the moments just after is common even between people who’ve never kissed before: people who are already in relationships, friends, family. This could be your chance!

You can reach out or comment below to share your New Years plans, experiences, and memories.

Cautious Consanguinamory 

Step 4 and the rest this page might help:

https://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.

Being a Good Lover

This entry assumes you have at least one lover. If you don’t, this previous entry is about finding one.

The specifics about what being a good lover is going to look like will vary, because people are diverse with different needs and desires. But there are some basic principles that you can follow, adapting to you, your lover(s), and your situation(s).

1. Basic compatibility is a must.

If they want to be monogamously married and only have sex to make babies and you’re looking for a “friend with benefits,” you are not compatible. If penises cause this person to run in terror and you have a penis, you’re not a match, unless you’d both be OK with your penis never being exposed or touching them. You get the idea.

2. Be prepared.

Good hygiene, being clean and well groomed are important. So is being up to date on being tested for and informed about sexually transmitted infections. Condoms and other barriers to reduce the risks of transmitting a disease or infection are options to consider. Condoms are also a form of contraception, but there are many other forms to consider. Lubricants and medications, especially as needed, shouldn’t be overlooked.

You and your partner shouldn’t be doing things on an empty stomach (unless it’s first thing after waking up), and staying hydrated helps. So feed and water your lover, so to speak.

You will be better off with lovemaking and many things in life if you take care of your body through staying active, flexible, strong, and physically coordinated. Good circulation and the ability to sustain physical activity for a while help.

Know your body. Exercise helps with that, and so does masturbation. There is nothing unhealthy about masturbation, provided you don’t hurt your skin; use lubrication.

Your mind and emotions should be prepared as well. If hang ups and inhibitions are interfering with your sexual enjoyment, consider finding a sex-positive therapist.

3. Care about the other person.

Sounds basic, right? But some people are so preoccupied with their own pleasure that they disregard what the other person needs or wants. Caring about the other person, focusing on providing them what they need and want, is essential to being a good lover. If they can trust you to consistently meet their needs and desires, and to stop or pause when they tell you to, they will consider you a great lover.

If they have a penis, in most cases, you should work with them to get it erect. If they have a vagina, you should work with them to get it wet. Ensuring they enjoy enough “foreplay” is essential.

Ask them what they want. Ask:

“Do you like this?” 

“Will you show me what you like?”

“What can I try?”

“What’s something you’ve wanted but haven’t tried yet?”

Pay attention. Learn their body and how it reacts, and what “works” for them. Adjust as needed. Be willing to learn and improve.

Be enthusiastic and open to trying new things (within boundaries and with consent).

If you tend to get sleepy or lose interest in sex after a climax, focus on satisfying them first, before you climax. If you’re not sure whether or not they need you to do more for them at that moment, ask in a sexy tone, “Is there anything more you need right now?” Be generous.

“Little” things can matter, like eye contact or holding their hand. Again, people are diverse. The “little” things that make it better will vary by individual.

You must listen to them if they say “no, don’t, stop, wait, not now,” or anything like that. Their “nos” (and yeses, for that matter) don’t have to make sense to you. They don’t have to make sense to them. Trying to change their “no” in the middle of sex is NOT good. If you want to discuss it, discuss it at another time. 

Protecting them from unwanted injuries, pregnancy, infections, gossip, and negative judgment from others is part of being a good lover. Honor their privacy.

If the person you’re with lacks experience, don’t assume they know what to do (each person is different anyway).

4. Don’t expect them to read your mind.

Mind reading is an extremely rare ability. If you can, show your lover what you want. If you can’t show them, tell them. Guiding them can be sexy!

These words are useful:

Softer

Harder

Faster

Slower

Keep doing that/more/don’t stop

Here

There

Stop

Wait

If you’re about to ejaculate, say so, especially if it’s going to go in them or on them if they don’t move or you don’t move.

5. Positive encouragement is more effective than complaints and criticism.

While there might be times you need to firmly say “NO,” redirection, offering an alternative, and positive reinforcement work better than negativity. Criticizing your partner’s technique or body in the middle of sex is a buzzkill (unless they have a kink for that sort of thing).

“Over here,” pointing or moving their hand/face/whatever to where you want it is much better than “That does nothing for me” or “I don’t like that.”

Positive feedback and encouragement both in the moment and after sex will get you more of what you want. Even if not getting sexual in the moment, telling your partner things like “I really like it when you…” or “It turns me on so much when you…” will get you more of what you want.

Say things like:

“It drives me wild when you…”

“Something I’ve wanted to try is…”

Erections usually require things to work together physically and psychologically; penises can get shy and uncooperative, especially if criticized. Erections can wax and wane multiple times during one sexual encounter. That’s normal. And sometimes, things just don’t work together in any given moment. Likewise, vaginas can be uncooperative sometimes; hormones, cycles, and other physical conditions can be tricky and things like UTIs can happen adjacent. Patience and cooperation usually pay off, even if not in mere minutes but days or weeks. Kindness beats criticisms and complaints.

6. Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind.

Ideally, you could tell your partner your fantasies, and they’d help you fulfill them (role playing, if not literally), but even if you don’t think you can share a fantasy of yours with your lover, it’s OK to fantasize in your mind, even when you’re in the middle of sex with your lover; whatever will get you enjoying yourself and your lover more. This includes things you’d never do in real life. Fantasies don’t have to follow the same rules as real life; fantasies just have to “do it” for you.

7. Mutually agreed-to one-sided sessions can be great.

They’re horny. You’re not, and you’re not likely to get horny right now. You can still do things that make them feel appreciated, desirable, sexy, and satisfied. This is a common way to handle things on occasion in an ongoing relationship. Not every sexual interaction has to include “everything.” If you’re simply not in physical or mental condition to do certain things, including reaching a climax, say so. Take a “rain check.” And if you can do something, and they’ll enjoy it, do that.

8. Toys and other additions are your friends, not an enemy.

There’s nothing at all wrong with involving things in addition to your two bodies. There are toys made for mouths, nipples, the anus, the penis, the clitoris, the vagina, and more.

Lubes, lotions, oils, creams, and dusts/powders of all sorts can make things easier or more spicy.

Research, technology advancements, and creativity are always creating more items, but sex toys and lotions have existed for thousands of years.

Blindfolds and ways to tie up or restrain a partner have been broadly popular.

There are pillows and similar items designed to help with sex.

Something doesn’t have to have made specifically for use in sex to be something fun to include; food and sweets are an example. So are costumes and wigs. Get creative. Use your imagination.

9. Have rules.

“No limits” is never true. You need rules for sex and rules for the relationship as a whole. Rules don’t have to make things bland. If agreed to the right way, they can make things even better, especially since they build trust.

Never assume this person is monogamous with you, only dating you, only having sex with you - if they haven’t clearly, explicitly agreed to that. Never assume that just because you’ve had sex they have implicitly agreed to only have sex with you. That’s something that must be discussed. You two will have clear understandings together about the rules.

The rules you two can discuss are almost endless, ranging from things you never want done to you during sex, to whether or not Tuesday will be a standing date night.

Some relationships are exclusive and closed, some are open. Some are monogamous, some are polyamorous. Some couples swing. Some couples who swing only do “soft swapping.” 

Communication and, if necessary, negotiation are musts for a great sexual relationship.

A “safe word” that stops things is a must, especially if you agree to do things that involve restraints, anything rough or potentially painful, or role playing involving force or “consensual non-consent.”

One of the rules, especially if your relationship is considered forbidden or taboo, should be who can be told about it and how. Depending on your situation, you might agree it is necessary to “keep private matters private.”

10. Keep it fun.

Sex is supposed to be fun, exciting, pleasurable, loving, playful; not a chore.

It helps to be able to laugh at yourself and the situation if things aren’t going perfectly, and be patient.

There is always something to learn, so curiosity and creativity are beneficial.

“Learning to love” something that didn’t sound or seem appealing at first opens up possibilities. In general, the more you’re willing to do with enthusiasm and determination, the better.

Think of how you can appeal to, and address, all of your lover’s senses, and in turn, experience them through all of your senses.

This was written mostly with basic, one-on-one “beginners” in mind, but it can be helpful for anyone who feels like they have fallen into a sexual rut or they need to step up their sexual skills. There are additional considerations in non-monogamous situations, such as two-on-one, threesomes, group sex, and polyamory (even polyamory in which each sexual encounter is one-on-one).

There are no shortages of websites, apps, videos, or books that can teach you specific techniques, positions, tips, games, etc. Going into that much detail is beyond the scope of what I’m doing here. In general, being gentle and slow is the way to start anything; if they want you to speed it up or be more forceful, they should tell you.

Basic Facts About Sex 

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.