Being a Good Lover

This entry assumes you have at least one lover. If you don’t, this previous entry is about finding one.

The specifics about what being a good lover is going to look like will vary, because people are diverse with different needs and desires. But there are some basic principles that you can follow, adapting to you, your lover(s), and your situation(s).

1. Basic compatibility is a must.

If they want to be monogamously married and only have sex to make babies and you’re looking for a “friend with benefits,” you are not compatible. If penises cause this person to run in terror and you have a penis, you’re not a match, unless you’d both be OK with your penis never being exposed or touching them. You get the idea.

2. Be prepared.

Good hygiene, being clean and well groomed are important. So is being up to date on being tested for and informed about sexually transmitted infections. Condoms and other barriers to reduce the risks of transmitting a disease or infection are options to consider. Condoms are also a form of contraception, but there are many other forms to consider. Lubricants and medications, especially as needed, shouldn’t be overlooked.

You and your partner shouldn’t be doing things on an empty stomach (unless it’s first thing after waking up), and staying hydrated helps. So feed and water your lover, so to speak.

You will be better off with lovemaking and many things in life if you take care of your body through staying active, flexible, strong, and physically coordinated. Good circulation and the ability to sustain physical activity for a while help.

Know your body. Exercise helps with that, and so does masturbation. There is nothing unhealthy about masturbation, provided you don’t hurt your skin; use lubrication.

Your mind and emotions should be prepared as well. If hang ups and inhibitions are interfering with your sexual enjoyment, consider finding a sex-positive therapist.

3. Care about the other person.

Sounds basic, right? But some people are so preoccupied with their own pleasure that they disregard what the other person needs or wants. Caring about the other person, focusing on providing them what they need and want, is essential to being a good lover. If they can trust you to consistently meet their needs and desires, and to stop or pause when they tell you to, they will consider you a great lover.

If they have a penis, in most cases, you should work with them to get it erect. If they have a vagina, you should work with them to get it wet. Ensuring they enjoy enough “foreplay” is essential.

Ask them what they want. Ask:

“Do you like this?” 

“Will you show me what you like?”

“What can I try?”

“What’s something you’ve wanted but haven’t tried yet?”

Pay attention. Learn their body and how it reacts, and what “works” for them. Adjust as needed. Be willing to learn and improve.

Be enthusiastic and open to trying new things (within boundaries and with consent).

If you tend to get sleepy or lose interest in sex after a climax, focus on satisfying them first, before you climax. If you’re not sure whether or not they need you to do more for them at that moment, ask in a sexy tone, “Is there anything more you need right now?” Be generous.

“Little” things can matter, like eye contact or holding their hand. Again, people are diverse. The “little” things that make it better will vary by individual.

You must listen to them if they say “no, don’t, stop, wait, not now,” or anything like that. Their “nos” (and yeses, for that matter) don’t have to make sense to you. They don’t have to make sense to them. Trying to change their “no” in the middle of sex is NOT good. If you want to discuss it, discuss it at another time. 

Protecting them from unwanted injuries, pregnancy, infections, gossip, and negative judgment from others is part of being a good lover. Honor their privacy.

If the person you’re with lacks experience, don’t assume they know what to do (each person is different anyway).

4. Don’t expect them to read your mind.

Mind reading is an extremely rare ability. If you can, show your lover what you want. If you can’t show them, tell them. Guiding them can be sexy!

These words are useful:

Softer

Harder

Faster

Slower

Keep doing that/more/don’t stop

Here

There

Stop

Wait

If you’re about to ejaculate, say so, especially if it’s going to go in them or on them if they don’t move or you don’t move.

5. Positive encouragement is more effective than complaints and criticism.

While there might be times you need to firmly say “NO,” redirection, offering an alternative, and positive reinforcement work better than negativity. Criticizing your partner’s technique or body in the middle of sex is a buzzkill (unless they have a kink for that sort of thing).

“Over here,” pointing or moving their hand/face/whatever to where you want it is much better than “That does nothing for me” or “I don’t like that.”

Positive feedback and encouragement both in the moment and after sex will get you more of what you want. Even if not getting sexual in the moment, telling your partner things like “I really like it when you…” or “It turns me on so much when you…” will get you more of what you want.

Say things like:

“It drives me wild when you…”

“Something I’ve wanted to try is…”

Erections usually require things to work together physically and psychologically; penises can get shy and uncooperative, especially if criticized. Erections can wax and wane multiple times during one sexual encounter. That’s normal. And sometimes, things just don’t work together in any given moment. Likewise, vaginas can be uncooperative sometimes; hormones, cycles, and other physical conditions can be tricky and things like UTIs can happen adjacent. Patience and cooperation usually pay off, even if not in mere minutes but days or weeks. Kindness beats criticisms and complaints.

6. Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind.

Ideally, you could tell your partner your fantasies, and they’d help you fulfill them (role playing, if not literally), but even if you don’t think you can share a fantasy of yours with your lover, it’s OK to fantasize in your mind, even when you’re in the middle of sex with your lover; whatever will get you enjoying yourself and your lover more. This includes things you’d never do in real life. Fantasies don’t have to follow the same rules as real life; fantasies just have to “do it” for you.

7. Mutually agreed-to one-sided sessions can be great.

They’re horny. You’re not, and you’re not likely to get horny right now. You can still do things that make them feel appreciated, desirable, sexy, and satisfied. This is a common way to handle things on occasion in an ongoing relationship. Not every sexual interaction has to include “everything.” If you’re simply not in physical or mental condition to do certain things, including reaching a climax, say so. Take a “rain check.” And if you can do something, and they’ll enjoy it, do that.

8. Toys and other additions are your friends, not an enemy.

There’s nothing at all wrong with involving things in addition to your two bodies. There are toys made for mouths, nipples, the anus, the penis, the clitoris, the vagina, and more.

Lubes, lotions, oils, creams, and dusts/powders of all sorts can make things easier or more spicy.

Research, technology advancements, and creativity are always creating more items, but sex toys and lotions have existed for thousands of years.

Blindfolds and ways to tie up or restrain a partner have been broadly popular.

There are pillows and similar items designed to help with sex.

Something doesn’t have to have made specifically for use in sex to be something fun to include; food and sweets are an example. So are costumes and wigs. Get creative. Use your imagination.

9. Have rules.

“No limits” is never true. You need rules for sex and rules for the relationship as a whole. Rules don’t have to make things bland. If agreed to the right way, they can make things even better, especially since they build trust.

Never assume this person is monogamous with you, only dating you, only having sex with you - if they haven’t clearly, explicitly agreed to that. Never assume that just because you’ve had sex they have implicitly agreed to only have sex with you. That’s something that must be discussed. You two will have clear understandings together about the rules.

The rules you two can discuss are almost endless, ranging from things you never want done to you during sex, to whether or not Tuesday will be a standing date night.

Some relationships are exclusive and closed, some are open. Some are monogamous, some are polyamorous. Some couples swing. Some couples who swing only do “soft swapping.” 

Communication and, if necessary, negotiation are musts for a great sexual relationship.

A “safe word” that stops things is a must, especially if you agree to do things that involve restraints, anything rough or potentially painful, or role playing involving force or “consensual non-consent.”

One of the rules, especially if your relationship is considered forbidden or taboo, should be who can be told about it and how. Depending on your situation, you might agree it is necessary to “keep private matters private.”

10. Keep it fun.

Sex is supposed to be fun, exciting, pleasurable, loving, playful; not a chore.

It helps to be able to laugh at yourself and the situation if things aren’t going perfectly, and be patient.

There is always something to learn, so curiosity and creativity are beneficial.

“Learning to love” something that didn’t sound or seem appealing at first opens up possibilities. In general, the more you’re willing to do with enthusiasm and determination, the better.

Think of how you can appeal to, and address, all of your lover’s senses, and in turn, experience them through all of your senses.

This was written mostly with basic, one-on-one “beginners” in mind, but it can be helpful for anyone who feels like they have fallen into a sexual rut or they need to step up their sexual skills. There are additional considerations in non-monogamous situations, such as two-on-one, threesomes, group sex, and polyamory (even polyamory in which each sexual encounter is one-on-one).

There are no shortages of websites, apps, videos, or books that can teach you specific techniques, positions, tips, games, etc. Going into that much detail is beyond the scope of what I’m doing here. In general, being gentle and slow is the way to start anything; if they want you to speed it up or be more forceful, they should tell you.

Basic Facts About Sex 

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.

You’re Not Alone - Reach Out

You are welcome to reach out to me. Although there are now, thankfully, many places for LGBTQ+ people and nonmonogamous people to find others and supportive people to talk with, it can still be difficult for people with consanguinamorous feelings or experiences to find someone to talk with.

Anyone can reach out to me, Keith, and I never share what someone tells me privately with anyone else unless you give me permission. Thousands of people have contacted me over the years. You can see for yourself how long this blog has been here.

One of the best ways to reach me is via email: fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com. [Please note that if I will usually respond within a day or less, so if you you don’t see my response, check your spam or junk folder. If you still don’t see a response, try contacting me another way.]

Another great way is Wire messaging app: fullmarriageequality

I’m also in these places, where I can be sent private/direct messages: 

Facebook

X/Twitter

Reddit

Quora

I know there are many people who visit this blog who never reach out, and I understand. Thanks for visiting. Everyone is also welcome to comment, including anonymously, on posts here. You’re also welcome to write to me privately, even if just to say “hi.”

Equality, Life, Liberty, and Happiness

 

July 4 is Independence Day in the US, considered by many our country's birthday. That means Saturday is a widely observed and celebrated national holiday.

This year, the holiday is also being observed today, Friday, in order to give some people a day off from work.

Connected to the day is the Declaration of Independence, which touts equality and notes that we have the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

When the Declaration of Independence was written 250 years ago, equality was reserved for white, landowning, heterosexual, Christian males. Great strides have been made to extend equality to everyone else. As we know, equality just for some is not equality. In recent times, even if not everything has gone our way, we have seen many pro-equality court rulings and laws and we won’t let any regressive actions or court decisions deter us.

More people are coming out of the closet, and more allies are coming out in support of equality. More people are free to marry, and now we have more polyamorous and polygamous people speaking up for their rights.

But we’re still on our journey. Equality, liberty, and the right to pursue happiness are, in many places in the US, and at the national government level, still denied to LGBTQ+ people in some ways. Even more so, these rights are denied to the polyamorous and the consanguinamorous. The US still struggles with racism.

Let’s keep moving forward so that an adult, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, or gender, is free to pursue love, sex, kink, residence and marriage with any and all consenting adults, and not be denied liberty, employment, housing, or anything else.

This isn't just a philosophical thing or a principle. There are people, good people, who are hurt by ongoing discrimination, prejudice, and ignorance. There are people just being themselves, hurting nobody, and people who are in loving, healthy relationships who are being denied their rights, who have to hide who they are or their love for each other, who constantly endure people proclaiming that the love they share is sick or disgusting or makes them worthy of being subjected to abuse or even death. There are teenagers who have simply behaved as normal teenagers with each other and haven't hurt anybody (including each other or themselves) who are being lied to and told that nobody else is like them and they are depraved. That's no way to have to live, it certainly isn't liberty, and it squashes the pursuit of happiness.

They need to know they are not alone, and there's nothing wrong with them.

We need independence from hate and ignorance. So let's keep evolving America, and encourage other countries to do the same.

Not Something to Fear

At the Too Afraid to Ask Reddit, konqueror238 wrote "Feeling attracted to my older sister during puberty?"

I have a older sister and she is a very good looking woman. During my puberty years my hormones were very crazy, that's very normal for boys during that age.

During those years I was very attracted to my sister's body and I will admit with shame that I used to masturbate thinking of her, it also didn't help that I was also discovering the world of porn. At that time I was very young and didn't understand the concept of "incest", my brain just went full monkey mode at the sight of boobs. It was only after quite a while I stopped feeling that way.

I will take that secret to my grave and she will never know of it. My question is, anyone else that spend their puberty years living with a attractive relative felt that way too?

It's sad that anyone would think they could be alone in having such feelings. Sex education is lacking!

It is very common to have such feelings and attractions, even if most people who do don't admit it. Some people act on their feelings.

It isn't limited to puberty, either. Some have such thoughts and desires at any age after, too, about siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, grandparents, etc.

The Westermarck Effect describes the "Ew!" feeling many people have about such thoughts. However, not everyone experiences the Westermarck Effect, at least not when it comes to every member of their family.

Find me on Reddit here.

The Point

An adult,

regardless of gender, orientation, race, or religion

should be free to share

love, sex, kink, residence, relationships, and marriage

with any and all consenting adults,

without fear of prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Love Must Win

Love Will Win

Father’s Day

Sunday, June 21 is Father's Day.

For all men raising or helping (or who have helped) to raise a child, whether you are a biological father, presumed father, grandfather, stepfather, bonus father, adoptive father, foster father or any variation… we wish you a Happy Father’s Day!

A special thanks to fathers who have supported and loved their children who are LGBTQ+, polyamorous, consanguinamorous, or have otherwise faced persecution or oppression because of who they are or the person(s) they love. And you fathers who ARE LGBTQ+, polyamorous, or consanguinamorous, we see you, too.

We offer a note of encouragement to all fathers who can’t legally marry the person(s) they love, but would if they could, or who face bullying due to love or who they are: We will win so that every adult can pursue love, sex, and marriage with any consenting adults.

If you have a good father in your life, are you planning anything special for Father's Day?

Some considerations if you have, or are considering, a more physical relationship with your father...

Juneteenth

June 19 is a holiday in the US. It’s still new as an official holiday, so it’s still not officially observed everywhere it should be.

It’s a celebration of African American freedom.

Freedom is still a work in progress.

For example, African Americans who are LGBTQ+, nonmonogamous, and/or consanguinamorous are still denied basic rights.

Let’s keep evolving so that everyone will have their rights, including the freedom to marry and the freedom to be together how they mutually agree, including sharing love, sex, kink, residence, partnership, and more.

Update on Secretly Married Couple

We have an update on a couple interviewed here, just in time for Father’s Day. They are expecting!

By the way, if you’ve had your interview published on Full Marriage Equality and want to provide an update, or you want to be interviewed about your “forbidden” relationship or that of someone you know, e-mail Keith at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

On with the update…

We have passed the first trimester with flying colours and a perfectly healthy mother to be! Lisa still walks lighter and with that cute bounce in her step! She is doing so well, hardly any morning sickness, but we have discovered that frying mushrooms in garlic makes her a little queasy! Who knew?

Our doctor has seen her twice now here at our place, a thorough examination and as I said, Lisa is healthy and happy...as am I.

Congratulations!

We wish you well on the addition to the family.

They have kept in contact since the original interview, and are doing well overall.

We need full marriage equality and relationship rights for all so that lovers like then won’t have to hide their love or the truth about their growing family.

Father’s Day is Coming

Sunday, June 21 is Father's Day 2026.

If you have a good father in your life, whether genetic, adoptive, step, or honorary, are you planning anything special for Father's Day?

Some considerations if you have, or are considering, a more physical relationship with your father...

Family With Benefits

This post deals strictly with sexual situations. If you don't want to read about that, skip it. [This was published during the recent pandemic, but almost all of it is still relevant.]

Pride Month Is Here!

June is Pride Month. 

Like so many other observances, it has become commercialized in a lot of ways. As far as I'm concerned, I'd rather corporations call positive attention to it rather than how things were in the old days, when LGBTQ+ people were invisible or portrayed as predators, more so than today.

We should also keep in mind that there are LGBTQ+ people who are monogamous, and also those who are polyamorous or otherwise involved in consensual, ethical, or disclosed nonmonogamy. There are also LGBTQ+ people who are consangunamorous or have consanguineous relationships. All these people should have their rights.

Let's celebrate gender, sexuality, and relationship diversities. May allies join in, and may there be solidarity for all!

Let's make it a great month!

Are you going to any events?

Monday is Memorial Day in the US

Monday, May 25 is a day that fallen military personnel are honored and remembered.

Some of our fallen were LGBTQ+, some were polyamorous. Some were consanguinamorous. Until somewhat recently, none of them could be open about who they were or who they loved without dire consequences; only some of our LGBTQ+ military personnel have been able to come out thanks to the end of DADT and the implementation of some protections. Transgender, polyamorous, and consanguinamorous people still have to hide and are denied their rights.

Some were drafted and had no choice but to serve.

Yet along with the rest of their military brothers and sisters, they fought and struggled and suffered.

So please let freedom ring.

Someone should be able to serve honorably and without being ordered to act unjustly, no matter their gender identity, sexual orientation or their relationships with consenting adults. And they should be able to have their marriages registered with their states, and certainly not be punished for their relationships.