Labor Day Weekend

In the US, the first Monday in September is the Labor Day holiday, making this weekend an extended holiday weekend.

Friends and family often go to the beach or get together.

Although most schools now start before Labor Day, it’s still considered the cultural “end of summer,” although the meteorological end of summer always falls about September 21.

In the northern hemisphere, warm temperatures, beachgoing or poolside socializing, and perhaps some alcohol make it a festive time. 

If you have any special plans or end up having any special experiences with family or friends, tell us about it below in the comments. You can stay anonymous. For some of you, this will be a chance to make a move to initiate something you’ve wanted to do.

Be safe and have fun!

Don't Like It? You Don't Have to Do It

I get all sorts of comments submitted to this blog, and send to me through other means. Some express prejudice and bigotry. From one of those...

I definitely believe it is disgusting and wrong for a father and daughter to have a sexual relationship. I thought it was illegal in most states no matter if it is consensual or not. I can’t imagine doing that.

Let's consider this statement closely.

I definitely believe it is disgusting and wrong for a father and daughter to have a sexual relationship.

What disgusts you can influence what you do. It should have no control over what anyone else does.

What would make it wrong for two (or more) individuals, who aren't cheating, who are capable of consenting, to consent to sex? Is sex itself wrong? Or do you believe that it is only right to have sex under certain conditions in addition to consent and being free to take on a new partner? What would those conditions be? Regardless, your claim that it is wrong shouldn't have power over the rights of anyone else.

I thought it was illegal in most states no matter if it is consensual or not.

Unconstitutional laws do still remain on the books that criminalize this in 48 states. That means in two states, there is no such law. What is your objection in those two states? Or the many countries with no ridiculous laws to that effect?

I can’t imagine doing that.

Then don't. Nobody is saying you have to.

I can't imagine running a marathon. Does that mean nobody else should be free to do so?

The fact is, human sexuality and relationships are diverse. Not everyone is going to want the same things. And that's OK! There is no good reason to try to deny people the relationships to which they've mutually agreed.

There are women who have been consanguinamorous with their genetic fathers. Some have been together until their father's death, in a loving relationship with no regrets (other than not starting sooner). Why should they be denied their rights just because someone else doesn't like their love? There's no good reason.

We need to support relationship rights for all, and full marriage equality.

We Will Always Love You

RIP Queen

Dolly Parton

January 19, 1946 - August 25, 2026

May we rise to your example.

Mothers, Sons, and the Law

I'm continuing a series here of answers I posted to Quora that got attacked by censors. [This entry has been bumped up.]

*****

https://www.quora.com/Is-it-illegal-for-a-mother-to-have-sex-with-her-own-son/answer/Keith-Pullman

Is it illegal for a mother to have sex with her own son?

Keith Pullman

I network with, interview, & befriend adults with consensual incest experience.2y

It’s still illegal for a woman who have sex with her adult son in 48 states in the US and many countries.

It isn’t illegal in the US states of Rhode Island & New Jersey, as well as various modern countries, including France and Spain.

Regardless of criminalization, there are mothers and sons having sex in just about every neighborhood on the planet, regardless of class or ethnicity. And there always have been. Sometimes the sex is a very casual “family-with-benefits” agreement, sometimes it is part of a spousal relationship lasting decades, and sometimes it is somewhere along the wide spectrum between.

Very few are ever caught & prosecuted where it is still illegal, but such lovers need to be careful in order to protect themselves and each other.

*****

NOTE: These specific answers in this series were "deleted" at Quora after being there for a while and being well-received. They were probably hidden from view because some bigot targeted me, as evidenced by the fact that many were deleted in rapid fire.

I have previously appealed such deletions successfully. However, whether or not my deleted answers are restored, I’ll be adding them to this blog. You’ll see for yourself there’s no reason to delete these answers.

Consanguinamorous Dating

We've talked much about how to live in a consanguinamorous relationship, but only a little about how to initiate one.

What about dating?

As with other relationships, your curiosity or sexual attraction might not be enough, and dating helps figure out if there could be mutual interest and attraction, and compatibility; it helps you get to know each other better, see if you can have fun together, see if you're a match, and bond more.

For some of you, there is a big difference between dating a relative or family member and someone else, because the other person might not know that you intend this to be dating in the romantic or sexual sense. It's a problem many LGBTQ+ people have faced before, and some continue to face, depending on where they live. On the plus side, you usually know a lot about this person already. In that way, it can be like starting to date a close friend: Can you be "more than" friends? In this case, it is can you be "more than" siblings or whatever your relation is? Dating can help figure that out. Even if people already know they are mutually attracted and interested, dating can be a way to see if they are actually compatible.

Revisiting Your Youth

Siblings, stepsiblings, cousins, and other close relatives have been exploring, experimenting with, and playing with each other for all of history. This includes, when they are close in age, during adolescence and childhood.

Playing “house,” playing “doctor,” “show me yours, I’ll show you mine,” and various acts of curiosity are very common. As long as aggression or fear isn’t used to create the experience, it’s generally not considered abuse or otherwise problematic for, as an example, siblings who are 10 and 13 to have explored a bit; even less so if the siblings who are, say, 14 and 17 get sexual, or have (deliberately) watched each other or, together, someone else in the residence or connected with the family getting sexual.

Again, this isn’t referring to something forceful, coerced, or  done under duress or threats. Abuse is an entirely different matter beyond the scope of this topic.

Over the years, I’ve been contacted by people who had such experiences, wondering if it was OK that they happened, some feeling “guilty,” or asking if it is unusual that they don’t regret it, maybe if and how to bring the subject up with the other person(s) who were involved.

These experiences are normal, natural, and not rare. There’s nothing wrong with or harmful about youthful curiosity and exploration.

If you weren’t the eldest participant, the person who was the eldest or elder would almost certainly benefit from hearing from you that you don’t regret it and you think of it as a positive or neutral experience, as opposed to an abusive or otherwise negative one. (If that is, indeed, how you feel about it.)

But how and when should you talk with them? What should you say?

It’s best to talk with them one-on-one, privately, in-person.

If you won’t be seeing them in-person anytime soon and you absolutely can’t wait, still ensure that the conversation is private, just between the two of you. A live video call is best, a live audio call is second best, followed by texting in a secure messaging app, especially with expiring (disappearing) messages, and it will be essential that you keep your wording somewhat vague - vague enough that if other people hear it or read it they wouldn’t be able to prove conclusively what happened.

You’re probably going to be nervous, and that’s OK. You’ll just have to have the courage to go ahead and be awkward about it.

Say something along the lines of, “I’ve been thinking some good thoughts about some good memories. I want you to know that I think back on the times we shared privately when we were kids as good times. I thought it might be important for you to know that.” Or, use words that will be positive and effective between the two of you. I deliberately chose to use the word “good” right away and repeat it so as to put the other person at ease. Add a “thank you” if appropriate. Starting off with “We need to talk,” or something like that can cause someone undue worry and defensiveness.

Their reaction might range from denial and refusing to talk about it, to slight embarrassment, to being relieved, to wanting to “pick up where you left off.” Telling them is highly unlikely to have a down side. If they’re in denial, “don’t remember,” or don’t want to talk about it at that moment, don’t push it. Allow them their time.

If, conversely, you were the eldest/elder, it can be risky to reopen that matter first, meaning the younger person hasn’t mentioned what happened since it last happened or soon after. Even if you were absolutely certain (and correct) that this was a mutually positive experience, societal prejudices, shame, and fear might have influenced how someone else remembers what happened. If you do raise the subject, the spectrum of potential reactions is much wider, especially if you don’t currently have a close and positive relationship with this person now. As such, if you bring it up, it should start with asking them how they’re doing and how they feel about your shared youth.

If things go well and you do want to “pick up where you left off,” this might help. It’s is possible for all involved to have no regrets AND not agree to do anything together now, so never assume that just because you had some moment in your youth that anything will happen now.

As always, your comments that follow the rules are welcome and you can write to Keith privately via email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or on the Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality.

A French Connection

We have another exclusive interview to bring you. 

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face persecution and prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The couple interviewed below should be free to legally and publicly marry, or simply be together without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults; why should they have been denied their rights? In much of the world, they could be criminally prosecuted for loving each other this way, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what they have to say about the love they share. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label? 

NOTE: This interview has some sexually explicit descriptions inherent to the interviewees’ life experiences and development.

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourselves.

Emma: My family is English, but we’ve been living in France for over 20 years. We originally lived near London and moved to Paris because of my dad’s work. 

I’m 26 years old, caucasian, blond, green eyes. I’m 5’ 3” and not excessively athletic as I do my best to keep my weight down. That’s hard in France with all the delicious food, so I’m not skinny, but sort of a normal sized person.

My mum and dad raised me. They were always both present for me right from the start, sharing my upbringing, my education. When I was younger, my parents both worked in London, so sometimes it was my mum who came home first to pick my brother and I up from school, sometimes it was my dad when my mum was working late.

I did the major part of my education here in France - given that when I arrived in France aged six, I didn’t speak or understand a word of French, but now I’m fully bilingual, which is a great advantage when working with international clients. Jobwise, I’m a PA for a Media Events company in Paris that works internationally. We organise PR and advertising events. And no, I’m no “Emily in Paris,” even if my colleagues and I have watched the series and laughed a lot about some of the PR campaigns featured in the episodes.

I like swimming. We have a pool. I like movies, concerts, traveling and nudism camping holidays.

I have an elder brother who is 28 years old, who also works in the same company but in the Events Logistics Department.

John: I’m from a middle class family from London. I met my late wife at school, we fell in love and when I was 20 and she was 19, we had our first child / our son - then Emma a couple of years later. Yes, we were a bit young to become parents, but we somehow made it work, thanks to the help of our parents. 

My father worked in import/export so I naturally got a job with him, moving up over the years, before taking over from him. I work in import/export of electronics, hifi and other audio/video equipment. Then I had a business opportunity to move to France and take over an office in Paris. I’m nearly 49, already a silver fox as some say; quite tall, I swim and play tennis to stay fit. 

We own a nice family house on the outskirts of Paris, with quite a bit of land and a small forest all around. I bought it while looking for a quiet and secluded area to get away from the busy Paris work environment. 

I’ve been very fortunate with my investments, giving my family enough to live a very comfortable life and little worries about money.

I’m a real geek for technology and gadgets, going to specialized exhibitions - for work, but also to get to see all the new stuff - I like doing nudism camping. We did this a lot back then with my late wife before we had our kids and later with them too, first at some campsites in England, then in France. One outside Paris, another in the South West and our favorite one in the South of France at the Cap d’Agde naturism center.

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Consanguineous) Love #19

“There are so many people outside of your family. Go marry/have sex with one of them, instead. It creates friendships between families.” There are plenty of people within one’s own race, too, but that is no reason to ban interracial marriage. I have many friends outside of my family to whom I’m neither married nor married to a relative of theirs. On the other hand, don't we all know unrelated married couples who actually drive their relatives apart from each other? Let adults marry the consenting adult(s) of her or his choice.

Telling someone who is happy with their lover that they should dump that person (or even be prosecuted for being with that person) and should be denied their right to marry because there is someone else they can be with instead is an arrogant and usually, very much a cruel intrusion into someone else's life. How would the person who says this like it if someone told them they had to drop their lover (if they have one) and go find someone else, even though they are consenting adults who want to be together and are happy together?

There are people in consanguinamorous relationships who could never find as much love and happiness with someone else, and trying to force them to do so isn't fair to anyone, including the person for whom they "settle." There are people who are consanguinamorous in their orientation.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Consanguineous) Love #18

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Consanguineous) Love #20

Laws Vary Regarding Relationships Between Consenting Adults

We've heard so many different misunderstandings about laws as they apply to relationships and sex between consenting adults. Here in the US, it is especially understandable because laws vary from state to state. There are, of course, fifty states, but there are also other jurisdictions such as the District of Columbia, territories, such as Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands, and there are also federal laws, military codes, and laws that apply to "Indian reservations" (small areas where indigenous peoples have some level of self-determination).

If you are concerned about the laws where you are or where you're considering moving, it would be a good idea to see if the laws of that location are searchable online and to consult an attorney who specializes in family or criminal law for that jurisdiction. An experienced lawyer can tell you about how often a law is enforced even if it is still in effect, and might be able to point out ways someone could make it less likely they'd ever be prosecuted.

Some states have laws still on the books that have been ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. The only reason to still have those laws is a deranged hope that the Court decision will eventually be reversed.

Unmarried sex or cohabitation, interracial relationships, same-sex relationships, certain sex positions, even using contraception or sex toys have all been illegal in some places in the US. It might seem shocking, but it is true.

As the show "Sister Wives" detailed, Utah had been the last state to enforce a law against polyfidelity, or at least saying more than one person is your spouse. We're not even talking about insurance coverage or anything like that. Simply saying that you have more than one spouse has been illegal. It's outrageous, but true.

When it comes to consanguinamory, confusion ranges from "I thought it was illegal everywhere for cousins to have sex" to "There are no laws against consenting adults having sex, no matter how closely related." Both statements are false.

The fact is, first cousins are incarcerated for having sex in a handful of US states. But about half of US states will allow first cousins to legally marry (and the list of states isn't what stereotypes would have you believe), although some of them have some restrictions. That leaves many states where where they can have sex, live together, raise children together, but can't legally marry. Outrageous, but true.

As far as relatives closer than that, in general, 47 states have laws against relatives closer than first cousins having sex. Ohio allows siblings to be together. Rhode Island and New Jersey have no laws against adults being together, no matter how closely related. Some other states apparently haven't criminalized sex between adults and their uncles or aunts (outside of old, overturned laws that criminalized unmarried sex, given that these people weren't allowed to marry.)

None of the states will knowingly allow relatives closer than first cousins to legally marry, with certain exceptions in certain states for uncles and nieces, for example, mostly a nod to traditions from foreign cultures. Traditions are not respected, however, when it comes to having more than one legal spouse.

Note that these criminalization laws and laws denying marriage rights tend to apply to genetic ("blood") relatives even if they were legally adopted to different families and never met until well into adulthood.

Some states may have relied on criminalization of homosexuality (which was overturned) and thus might not have anti-incest laws that technically criminalize same-sex consanguinmory. Laws can get very specific, outlawing certain sex acts but not others between certain people. Yes, as silly as it sounds, some specific sex acts that don't harm anyone have been illegal in some places.

The patchwork of unjust laws needs to be changed. There shouldn't be anywhere in the US (or any other country for that matter) where consenting adults are denied their basic rights to have a mutual relationship that includes whatever form of sex they want to have, living together, and, if they want, marriage, or any other union or partnership offered under law. Nobody should fall in love and then worry that if they move for a job they won't be able to marry in their new state or might even be criminals.

There's no good reason to deny these rights. In the US, it should be obvious that legal precedents have determined that such discrimination is unjust and unconstitutional. But people are understandably confused as many unjust laws are still enforced.

If She Wasn't Serious, She Wouldn't Have Revealed Her Feelings

There are better places than Reddit to have a serious discussion about consanguinamory, but I thought this recent post by someone with the screen name DaughterNeeds was an interesting one. [Please note this blog entry has been bumped up from a previous posting.] This person claims to be an involved/experienced daughter, and titled the post "Respect your daughter choice and say yes"...

Actually, the only time I felt unwanted or unloved or hurt or betrayed was when my father originally told me no. He was worried that he had somehow done something wrong or that somehow I was confused.

To the fathers who are out there let me assure you of something: If your daughter comes to you can rest assured that she is sure and yes she means it! We are socially programmed from birth to believe such feelings or thoughts are immoral and unethical. If your daughter comes to you longing for you, she has had more than enough time to think, rethink, and think some more. She has likely struggled to come to terms with how she feels and she has likely contemplated a million reasons on why she should squash her feelings and most certainly has she has tried. Unknowing to you she has most certainly tried her whole life to force herself to feel for someone else as strongly and as instinctively she feels for you.

She makes a good point. Unless the situation is a recent reunion/introduction, or she's literally insane to the point she has no idea what she's doing, a daughter making a clear pass at her father (or mother) must have thought about it a lot already. It might seem sudden to the parent, but it isn't to the daughter who is opening her heart and being extremely vulnerable.

How to Pull Off Living With Your Consanguinamorous Partner(s)

So you're in a consanguinamorous relationship and having the time of your life, or you're considering it, and you want to know about the possibilities and how-to when it comes to living with your lover. Some of you will want separate residences but most of you want to reside together. Someday, the considerations written below will no longer be necessary because things will be better, but for now, these serious considerations are necessary.

On the "good news" side is that, while there is much bigotry in many places against consanguinamory, often including criminalization, so that some lovers can't marry or sex is illegal, there are no laws against relatives living together and most cultures encourage it instead of discouraging it. There is a long history of family members living together. Although there has been an "American Dream" portraying a "nuclear family" married man and woman (not closely rated) living in a single-family house with 2.3 children, the reality has always been different for most people. One common variation has been for a couple (married or unmarried) or a single person to live with their parents or have a parent living with them, having one or more sibling living with them, etc.

Being a Good Lover

This entry assumes you have at least one lover. If you don’t, this previous entry is about finding one.

The specifics about what being a good lover is going to look like will vary, because people are diverse with different needs and desires. But there are some basic principles that you can follow, adapting to you, your lover(s), and your situation(s).

1. Basic compatibility is a must.

If they want to be monogamously married and only have sex to make babies and you’re looking for a “friend with benefits,” you are not compatible. If penises cause this person to run in terror and you have a penis, you’re not a match, unless you’d both be OK with your penis never being exposed or touching them. You get the idea.

2. Be prepared.

Good hygiene, being clean and well groomed are important. So is being up to date on being tested for and informed about sexually transmitted infections. Condoms and other barriers to reduce the risks of transmitting a disease or infection are options to consider. Condoms are also a form of contraception, but there are many other forms to consider. Lubricants and medications, especially as needed, shouldn’t be overlooked.

You and your partner shouldn’t be doing things on an empty stomach (unless it’s first thing after waking up), and staying hydrated helps. So feed and water your lover, so to speak.

You will be better off with lovemaking and many things in life if you take care of your body through staying active, flexible, strong, and physically coordinated. Good circulation and the ability to sustain physical activity for a while help.

Know your body. Exercise helps with that, and so does masturbation. There is nothing unhealthy about masturbation, provided you don’t hurt your skin; use lubrication.

Your mind and emotions should be prepared as well. If hang ups and inhibitions are interfering with your sexual enjoyment, consider finding a sex-positive therapist.

3. Care about the other person.

Sounds basic, right? But some people are so preoccupied with their own pleasure or “performance” or how their body looks that they disregard what the other person needs or wants. Caring about the other person, focusing on providing them what they need and want, is essential to being a good lover. If they can trust you to consistently meet their needs and desires, and to stop or pause when they tell you to, they will consider you a great lover.

If they have a penis, in most cases, you should work with them to get it erect. If they have a vagina, you should work with them to get it wet. Ensuring they enjoy enough “foreplay” is essential.

Ask them what they want. Ask:

“Do you like this?” 

“Will you show me what you like?”

“What can I try?”

“What’s something you’ve wanted but haven’t tried yet?”

Pay attention. Learn their body and how it reacts, and what “works” for them. Adjust as needed. Be willing to learn and improve.

Be enthusiastic and open to trying new things (within boundaries and with consent).

If you tend to get sleepy or lose interest in sex after a climax, focus on satisfying them first, before you climax. If you’re not sure whether or not they need you to do more for them at that moment, ask in a sexy tone, “Is there anything more you need right now?” Be generous.

“Little” things can matter, like eye contact or holding their hand. Again, people are diverse. The “little” things that make it better will vary by individual.

You must listen to them if they say “no, don’t, stop, wait, not now,” or anything like that. Their “nos” (and yeses, for that matter) don’t have to make sense to you. They don’t have to make sense to them. Trying to change their “no” in the middle of sex is NOT good. If you want to discuss it, discuss it at another time. 

Protecting them from unwanted injuries, pregnancy, infections, gossip, and negative judgment from others is part of being a good lover. Honor their privacy.

If the person you’re with lacks experience, don’t assume they know what to do (each person is different anyway).

4. Don’t expect them to read your mind.

Mind reading is an extremely rare ability. If you can, show your lover what you want. If you can’t show them, tell them. Guiding them can be sexy!

These words are useful:

Softer

Harder

Faster

Slower

Keep doing that/more/don’t stop

Here

There

Stop

Wait

If you’re about to ejaculate, say so, especially if it’s going to go in them or on them if they don’t move or you don’t move.

5. Positive encouragement is more effective than complaints and criticism.

While there might be times you need to firmly say “NO,” redirection, offering an alternative, and positive reinforcement work better than negativity. Criticizing your partner’s technique or body in the middle of sex is a buzzkill (unless they have a kink for that sort of thing).

“Over here,” pointing or moving their hand/face/whatever to where you want it is much better than “That does nothing for me” or “I don’t like that.”

Positive feedback and encouragement both in the moment and after sex will get you more of what you want. Even if not getting sexual in the moment, telling your partner things like “I really like it when you…” or “It turns me on so much when you…” will get you more of what you want.

Say things like:

“It drives me wild when you…”

“Something I’ve wanted to try is…”

Erections usually require things to work together physically and psychologically; penises can get shy and uncooperative, especially if criticized. Erections can wax and wane multiple times during one sexual encounter. That’s normal. And sometimes, things just don’t work together in any given moment. Likewise, vaginas can be uncooperative sometimes; hormones, cycles, and other physical conditions can be tricky and things like UTIs can happen adjacent. Patience and cooperation usually pay off, even if not in mere minutes but days or weeks. Kindness beats criticisms and complaints.

6. Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind.

Ideally, you could tell your partner your fantasies, and they’d help you fulfill them (role playing, if not literally), but even if you don’t think you can share a fantasy of yours with your lover, it’s OK to fantasize in your mind, even when you’re in the middle of sex with your lover; whatever will get you enjoying yourself and your lover more. This includes things you’d never do in real life. Fantasies don’t have to follow the same rules as real life; fantasies just have to “do it” for you.

7. Mutually agreed-to one-sided sessions can be great.

They’re horny. You’re not, and you’re not likely to get horny right now. You can still do things that make them feel appreciated, desirable, sexy, and satisfied. This is a common way to handle things on occasion in an ongoing relationship. Not every sexual interaction has to include “everything.” If you’re simply not in physical or mental condition to do certain things, including reaching a climax, say so. Take a “rain check.” And if you can do something, and they’ll enjoy it, do that.

8. Toys and other additions are your friends, not an enemy.

There’s nothing at all wrong with involving things in addition to your two bodies. There are toys made for mouths, nipples, the anus, the penis, the clitoris, the vagina, and more.

Lubes, lotions, oils, creams, and dusts/powders of all sorts can make things easier or more spicy.

Research, technology advancements, and creativity are always creating more items, but sex toys and lotions have existed for thousands of years.

Blindfolds and ways to tie up or restrain a partner have been broadly popular.

There are pillows and similar items designed to help with sex.

Something doesn’t have to have made specifically for use in sex to be something fun to include; food and sweets are an example. So are costumes and wigs. Get creative. Use your imagination.

9. Have rules.

“No limits” is never true. You need rules for sex and rules for the relationship as a whole. Rules don’t have to make things bland. If agreed to the right way, they can make things even better, especially since they build trust.

Never assume this person is monogamous with you, only dating you, only having sex with you - if they haven’t clearly, explicitly agreed to that. Never assume that just because you’ve had sex they have implicitly agreed to only have sex with you. That’s something that must be discussed. You two will have clear understandings together about the rules.

The rules you two can discuss are almost endless, ranging from things you never want done to you during sex, to whether or not Tuesday will be a standing date night.

Some relationships are exclusive and closed, some are open. Some are monogamous, some are polyamorous. Some couples swing. Some couples who swing only do “soft swapping.” 

Communication and, if necessary, negotiation are musts for a great sexual relationship.

A “safe word” that stops things is a must, especially if you agree to do things that involve restraints, anything rough or potentially painful, or role playing involving force or “consensual non-consent.”

One of the rules, especially if your relationship is considered forbidden or taboo, should be who can be told about it and how. Depending on your situation, you might agree it is necessary to “keep private matters private.”

10. Keep it fun.

Sex is supposed to be fun, exciting, pleasurable, loving, playful; not a chore.

It helps to be able to laugh at yourself and the situation if things aren’t going perfectly, and be patient.

There is always something to learn, so curiosity and creativity are beneficial.

“Learning to love” something that didn’t sound or seem appealing at first opens up possibilities. In general, the more you’re willing to do with enthusiasm and determination, the better.

Think of how you can appeal to, and address, all of your lover’s senses, and in turn, experience them through all of your senses.

This was written mostly with basic, one-on-one “beginners” in mind, but it can be helpful for anyone who feels like they have fallen into a sexual rut or they need to step up their sexual skills. There are additional considerations in non-monogamous situations, such as two-on-one, threesomes, group sex, and polyamory (even polyamory in which each sexual encounter is one-on-one).

There are no shortages of websites, apps, videos, or books that can teach you specific techniques, positions, tips, games, etc. Going into that much detail is beyond the scope of what I’m doing here. In general, being gentle and slow is the way to start anything; if they want you to speed it up or be more forceful, they should tell you.

Basic Facts About Sex 

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.