In a relationship, the rules are set by the people in the relationship.
As such, for some, having sex with other people is NOT cheating. If the rules of their relationship allow for having sex with other people under certain conditions, and those conditions are met, then it isn't cheating.
Also, relationships can and do have rules other than "don't have sex with other people" or "only have sex with other people under these conditions." Those rules can be almost anything to which the people in the relationship have agreed, including "Don't spend more than this amount of money on something without discussing it with me first." That's a very common rule for people who have combined their finances.
Another rule that can apply to sex is "We will share sexual affection on a regular basis, as long as extraordinary circumstances don't prevent us." Thus, cheating can include one partner consistently rejecting the other partner, cheating that partner out of something to which was agreed.
While there are common basics that should be discussed with every (potential) partner, it's difficult to discuss every possible hypothetical nuance and variation and agree to rules about each, and so being flexible about adding, removing, or modifying rules can be helpful, especially since people discover more about themselves, what they have to offer, and what the need as they age and grow. Keep in mind that most people have a tendency to have expectations and desires, and make assumptions, that go unstated, and someone can still damage trust and their relationships with the partner(s) without technically cheating. So, please, state upfront some of the basics and work from there. These might be "I am mostly monogamous and need my partner to be mostly monogamous" or "I'm ethically nonmonogamous" or "I am polyamorous" and go from there, detailing what is meant.
Strict monogamy shouldn't be expected by default; it must be something that is discussed, with an agreement being made. None of us can assume that someone we are interested in is "available" because they're not in a relationship, or that they are "unavailable" because they are in a relationship. That is something to discuss with them.
![Non-Monogamy Diagram [I:FV]](http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy2.5.1.gif){kind=link}
we shouldn't cheat at all
ReplyDeleteI think there are different agreements for everyone and not every relationship is the same. The key is that everyone is different. For example, my wife occasionally meets her friend and stays over night in different places. Her friend is female and it could be possible that sexual stuff happens between them but I would actually be ok with this.
ReplyDeletePeople are different, so are their lives, one should discuss every aspect and then decide whether it would be a good idea to go together or it is likely to end in a very ugly way for everyone involved.
ReplyDeleteCheating, generally when one of the mates, spouses breaks the common rules. For example in ethical open marriage: good connection with the enemy of the other mate/spouse, to make sex with other in the common house in front of the common children, to humuliate the other spouse, etc..
ReplyDeleteSwingers: To start connection with others out of the common swingers convents, etc.
The mostly monogam connection is easy the cheating definition.
However the three examples are same in a important thing, the cheater spouse wants more liberty or freedom as the other cheated on spouse. The cheater steals the other spouse's liberty/freedom and the cheater abolish the full marriage, connection equality! The cheater become a special master, aristocrat, etc and a cheated on becomes slave, peasent with less freedom's owner. When the people cheat they do freedom robbery from the other spouse, mate!
The cuckold connection is a special master-slave connection, but the mayority of the people do not want to be slave or master of slave!
In the monogam connection the cheater is not only freedom-liberty theaf, but the cheater steals time from the other spouse, the cheater does time robbery. Yes, time thief, the cheater steals THAT TIME FROM THE RULE FOLLOWER, WHAT THE CHEATED ON COULD HAVE BEEN USED TO FIND OTHER MATE for example with a some years earlier divorce. If earlier the cheated on mate/spouse had been divorced the cheater the cheated on could have been more time to find other mate.
The cheated on spouse or mate could have decide on getting back liberty-freedom in the connection he or she might remain in the marriage for sake of the kids with BIGGER FREEDOM FROM THE CHEATER SPOUSE and might postpone the divorce when the youngest kid would be X years old. But the such connection not the top of the happinnes for cheater and not cheater as well. The bigger freedom means MUTUALITY!
Funny the minimum 1 extramarital affair is aprox 55-60 % of the married people, but aprox 90% of people from survays say they do not like the spouse, mate, girfriend, boyfriend cheats! Funny the 60-55% of the spouses are minimum 1 extramariral affair in lifetime, but 90% of the people do not like their spouse, mate, girlfriend, boyfriend cheat on them! 50% of the people are hypocrites?
This Keith's blog is a unique Internet phenomenon, it has always stood out and stands out for the honest and realistic approach to the problems of sexual diversification of relations between people, to the problems of protecting human rights to sexual self-identification and the choice of a sexual partner (partners). And the key conditions for Full Marriage Equality have always been and are universal values, such as nonviolence, voluntariness, awareness of sexual relationships and, above all, their compliance with the ethical principles of person's coexistence with other people, including their family members, friends, acquaintances and strangers.
ReplyDeleteNo one will dispute the claim that our behavior in dealing with another person (other persons) should be based on the non-infliction of conscious physical, moral or material harm either to them or to third parties. This is the moral paradigm of any decent person in all circumstances, including our sex life. In other words, returning to our topic, polyamory/polygamy, consanguinamory must be ETHICAL, and there can be no compromises.
In this post, as in his other posts, Keith expressed his attitude and the attitude of like-minded people to the most complex problems of modern individual and public morality concerning sexual life and the rights of "non-traditional" people to any sexual behavior and its legal recognition based on universal human values. And only on them, not on tastes and the ideas of religion, authorities, philistines and fanatics.
So, we stand for ethical nonmonogamy/polyamory, for ethical consanguinamory the cornerstone of which is respect for the rights of our partners, our children (if any) and third parties, including their family members and their children.
Keith points out that the practical implementation of this ethical principle is based on the only possible tool - an agreement between sexual partners on the boundaries of their behavior towards their partner(s) and others, including family members of others.
Any violation of agreements, borders, including violation of official or unofficial marriage vows and promises is a moral crime, it is abuse. Period.
There is no excuse for infidelity/cheating. Any justification for infidelity, betrayal by the fact that a certain person is non-monogamous by nature, that this person belongs to LGBTQ+, that they "just" entered into a consanguinamorous relationship is immoral and insignificant. Period.
Many people will probably say that I'm preaching the obvious and "forcing an open door". But look, the Internet, literature, cinema and television are full of examples of cheaters being justified in the most sophisticated ways, blaming their partners, unsuccessful relationships/marriages and even the fact that an unconventionally sexually oriented person may violate agreements and promises only because they belong to persecuted sexual minorities or engages in forbidden sex with a family member. Like they have no other choice.
Add to this the multitude of people who see polyamory, polygamy, and consanguinamory only as kink, porn and eroticism as a reason for mind orgies and masturbation.
And this stream of irresponsible pop culture is doing great harm educating children, teenagers and youngsters in the delusion that "non-traditional" sexual relationships are a perversion contrary to human nature, that they can only be forbidden ones. That they can only be entertainment, fun. That these relationships do not lead to anything good and are not decent among well-mannered people.
And infidelity in this relationships is acceptable and adds an additional lustful twist to the scenario.
So thank you, Keith, for bringing up this topic once again and reminding us of our duty to always be courageous and honest with our partners.