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Wednesday, December 28, 2022

As 2022 Gives Way to 2023

 
We hope you've had or wish you a Merry ChristmasHappy HanukkahYuletide GreetingsSolstice Salutations, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays!

Whatever holidays you celebrate, or even if you don't celebrate any, we wish you a fabulous season full of warmth and love.

As it is time for the end-of-the-year and New Year holidays, this blog may not be updated as often as normal. However, I will be checking, daily or more often, the various ways people can get in touch with me.

[Update: Just to be clear, I plan on being fully back into the swing of things, including blogging, after the holidays. Sorry if there was any confusion.]

May you and your loved ones have peace, health, and happiness.

Some of you are, or will be, heading home for the Winter holidays and school breaks. Some of you have been home because you always are. Whichever is your situation, a lot of you are, or will be, spending more time at home with family.

If you're LGBTQ+, polyamorous or in any form of ethical, consensual, or disclosed nonmonogamy, consanguinamorous, or otherwise in a relationship (or, NOT in a relationship) and some in your family are prejudiced against you because of it: I'm so sorry. You are worthy of affirmation. May you get through this time with as little trouble as possible.

If you do find, or already have found, yourself having feelings for. or sharing affection with, family members, you're definitely not alone. Recent years have seen more of that. And, as it was before, it was common enough for close relatives to share sexual or romantic affection that you certainly know people who have. You are NOT alone.

Whether you're blood relatives, step relatives, adoptive relatives, in-laws, or honorary relatives, there's nothing wrong with your feelings and, depending on the circumstances, there may be nothing wrong with sharing more affection. 

Will you make the most of this time?

You might need to read one or more entries on this blog that I list below.

Here's a special message for young people.

Consanguinamory (Consensual Incest) FAQ

It's more common than most people think for close relatives to share sexual affection or experimentation. Intrafamial sex and romance is as old as time.

Do You Have Feelings For a Close Relative?

Do you think or know that a close relative has feelings for you?

Yes, it is OK. But should you "do it" in your specific situation?

You might be able to make it happen. If you're the parent, there is more to consider.

Taking it slow and cautiously might be the way, unless the two (or three, or...?) of you can't hold back. Sometimes, the ice just needs breaking.

Stepsiblings, stepparents, and stepchildren might want to read this.

Are you considering coming out as consanguinamorous?

A message for family and friends.

How To Be An Ally to Consanguinamorous People You Know

Are you considering, or involved in, a situation that isn't monogamous?

Read exclusive interviews with close relatives who are involved in everything from spousal-style relationships to family-with-benefits arrangements.

If you've already shared sexual affection and are trying to sort everything out, this might help

If you can't be together geographically, you might be able to make the most of the distance

Again, you can contact me and you can comment below (including anonymously), so please share your thoughts, experiences, questions, plans, or anything else you want to share. 
— — —

Tuesday, December 27, 2022

No Time For Bigots

I’ve adopted a personal policy and I recommend it for anyone who supports rights for all.

I don’t have time for bigots.

Bigots will never stop the hate.

Time is wasted on them.

I save my time for helping lovers and those who want to be, helping allies, helping legitimate journalists, academics, and media producers, and the genuinely questioning, curious, confused, and uncertain. Is someone you know involved in consanguinamory and/or nonmonogamy, or some other relationship you don’t understand, and you’re not sure what to think, say, or do? Those are the people who will get my time.

In private communications, I’ll at least block bigots; maybe more.

If they leave a comment on this blog, I might analyze it in a post. If it’s devoid of any worthiness of response, it may simply get deleted. I’ll still analyze and counter bigotry I see in media. 

If they interact publicly on social media, I’ll only keep interacting if I think anyone, such as someone else observing, could benefit. Otherwise they’ll be ignored, muted, blocked; maybe reported, depending.

These ways might also be applied when someone in one community rejects solidarity with others. Throwing others under the bus isn’t acceptable. We must seek rights for all.

There is no good reason to deny people their basic rights to their identity, orientation, and the relationships to which they mutually agree, including full marriage equality.

The bigots will continue to shrink in numbers. Those who refuse to let go of bigotry will, more and more, find themselves keeping their prejudices to themselves, and eventually they will die out. More and more people will support rights for all.
— — —

Monday, December 26, 2022

Living Consanguinamorously - Dating Outside the Family

"Is it cheating to keep or start being with my relative while dating people outside the family?"
Cheating, which is not to be confused with ethical nonmonogamy, is violating existing agreements with one or more lovers while letting them believe the agreement continues to be in effect and unaltered. So if you have an ongoing sexual relationship with a close relative or family member you will keep, or you are pursuing one, you should not indicate to potential new lovers outside the family that you'll be sexually exclusive with them.

While many people find consanguinamorous relationships to be the best, or are consang in orientation, others are polyamorous (especially as an orientation) and either don't find other consanguineous lovers or have a need for someone who happens to be outside of the family. They might even want a unrelated lover as a practical matter, whether due to discrimination against consanguinamory or not. Please do not make someone an unwitting beard, however; it's generally a bad idea to deceive someone entering into a committed relationship with you because you aren't or can't be out about your orientation, relationships, or sex life.

There is not necessarily a need to tell potential new lovers you're involved in or pursuing consanguinamory. In most cases, outing yourself would be a bad idea, especially since consanguinamory is still illegal in many places. However, in many more places, ethical nonmonogamy has mostly been decriminalized or wasn't criminalized in the first place, depending on where you are, so it is far less of a problem to be out as an ethical nonmonogamist.


Do It This Way

— — —

Friday, December 16, 2022

Marriage Doesn't Have to be Monogamous


More and more people are questioning whether the polygamous freedom to marry should continue to be denied anywhere. At the forum community.babycentre.co.uk, MonaVanderwaal asked...
Should marrying more than one person be allowed in the UK?
Yes!
At the moment it is a crime punishable for up to seven years in prison.
Do you think it is an outdated law?
It's a ridiculous and unjust law.
If three+ people could prove they are happy in the arrangement, would this change your mind?
Visibility is important, but this is a basic matter of freedom of association. People have a fundamental right to marry. Some people are polyamorous or otherwise want more than one spouse. If all are consenting adults, there's no good reason to deny them their rights. You don't need to be aware of the polyamorous people around you who are in happy, long-term relationships to understand that all adults should have their rights.

Let's look at a few of the responses.

— — —

Tuesday, December 13, 2022

Navigating the Holiday Season

The year-end holidays are here.

If you might be getting together with family for Hanukkah, Winder Solstice, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year's Eve/Day, or any other holiday coming up, you might be facing specific decisions and considerations, especially if you're in an interracial relationship or an age gap relationship, or are LGBTQ+, nonmonogamous, consanguinamorous, or are exploring/living out kinks and certain dynamics:
  • Avoiding hostile people
  • Keeping closeted
  • Coming out
  • Making a move
You are under no obligation to spend holidays with people who are hostile to you because of your gender, orientation, relationships, or kinks, even if they are related to you. Repeat that to yourself as needed.

That being said, if there is just one or two hostile people and there will be dozen or more other people, consider if you can go and simply avoid the hostile people. Some families and gatherings allow for that.

What you tell people, how, and when, is up to you. If you're not ready to come out to the people you'd be spending time with, you shouldn't have to. Or, if you think coming out now to one, more, or all of the people who will be there would be best, you'll need to prepare yourself for emotionally for that.

As far as making a move, if there is a person or people likely to be there you want to "get closer to," whether relatives or family friends, plan ahead for the possibilities. Will there be a way to get them alone? Would it be good to get things in motion ahead of time through texts, messages, video chats, calls, etc.? Or do you want to wait until you're face to face to get things in motion or back into motion, as the situation might be.

Plan ahead and make the most of the season. What that means is up to you. For some of you, it will be making plans with friends and "found family" or your partner(s) and their families. Others will make the most of their opportunities by going "home." Plans can change, and that's fine. But do consider what you might want to do.

If you need someone to talk with or to give you feedback about your plans, or you just want to say hello to Keith, you can do so, as always, by emailing fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or message him on Wire at fullmarriageequality or on Facebook.

You can also comment with your thoughts, plans, or past experiences below.
— — —

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

Completing a Special Puzzle

We have another exclusive interview to bring you.

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The woman interviewed below should be free 
to legallmarry her partner, or simply to be with her partner as a couple without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults who aren’t hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including where they live, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what she has to say about the love they share with each other. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic and romantic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label?


*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Anonymous: I'm a high school math teacher in a suburb of an American major metropolitan area. I'm in my early forties. I'm average height for a woman. I could lose a little weight but my man says I'm perfect the way I am. My family roots are Jewish, by way of Europe. I like gardening and puzzles of different kinds, like jigsaw and Rubik's cube types. I have one brother.
— — —

Friday, December 2, 2022

Answering Arguments Against Polyamory


People who insist monogamy is the only acceptable relationship model, or that polyamorists should not have the same rights for their relationships as monogamists, almost always cite a few often-repeated reasons as to why. If you're polyamorous, you’ve probably heard most of these reasons, whether from coworkers, family, or complete strangers. Although I’m going to focus on polyamorous relationships, most of these are also applicable to open relationships, swinging, swapping, nonmonogamous sex, and ethical nonmonogamy in general whether the people involved identify as polyamorous or not.

Just about any objection people have to polyamory or other forms of ethical nonmonogamy fit into these common arguments, perhaps with different wording. Just so that you know, when I use the term “polygamy” I am referring to a subset of polyamory that involves marriage (whether by law, ceremony, or declaration of those involved), involving three or more spouses, whatever the structure of the relationship or the genders involved, as long as all involved are consenting adults.

1. “It is disgusting.” Also known as the “ick” or “eww” factor, this explains why the person using the argument would not want to have a polyamorous relationship, but their own personal disgust is not a justification for preventing other people from having a polyamorous relationship. Some people are disgusted by the idea of heterosexual sex, or their own parents having sex, but obviously this is not a justification to ban those things. Obviously, the consenting adults who want a polyamorous relationship aren’t disgusted by it. An effective response to this is “Don’t want a polyamorous relationship? Don’t have one.”

— — —

Thursday, December 1, 2022

World AIDS Day

December 1 is World AIDS Day.

It is very important to remember those we've lost to AIDS, to care for anyone battling AIDS, and to care for anyone with HIV.

We must continue to work for a cure, an inoculation, and continue to fight the spread of HIV.

We should also never forget that stigmas, ignorance, bigotry, sex-negative attitudes and shaming helped spread HIV and AIDS.

Let's continue to work for a better culture in which people aren't shamed and marginalized for their sexuality, nor discriminated against or stigmatized for getting HIV or getting sick.
— — —

Wednesday, November 30, 2022

A Change of Heart Into Becoming An Ally

It happens a lot.

Someone grows as they go through life and they realize they now have more understanding and more compassion when it comes to who other people are and who those people love.

An example was expressed in this comment:

I'm a friend who reacted badly because I liked the guy and found out about him and his niece. That was ages ago. I understand now but I don't know how to repair that friendship. Any thoughts?

I'm assuming you're not talking about the specific people in that interview. I don't know you, and I don't know the guy, so I can only give generalized advice. Feel free to contact me directly for further consultation.

I'd go see the guy in-person, if possible. Ask him when and where you can meet him "because I owe you an apology." You two should either meet alone or with his niece; nobody else should be along. For everyone's comfort, it should be somewhere "public" but where you can get out of earshot of other people. 

Get to it as soon as you can. Say something along the lines of: "I owe you an apology for how I reacted. I did some thinking, and I realized that you both have the right to choose who you're with. If you can forgive me and accept my apology, I'm here for you." 

That is vague enough that if someone is somehow listening in, there's nothing that incriminates them.

It's best if you allow him/them to react. They might need some time. Their reaction might not be what you hope it will be. On the other hand, it might turn out great for all three of you. Please understand they've probably had to hide their relationship, deal with bigotry and discrimination, and lost other friends and family over this, so it can be very difficult for some people to talk about it.

Don't make promises you're not going to keep, like telling them they can talk to you about their relationship or act like an affectionate couple around you if you can't handle that.

Do tell them you won't out them to anyone, and be sure you don't.

If it isn't possible to see him/them in person, then do it by phone call or video chat; some way that will feel sincere and they can hear your tone. But again, while making it clear you are apologizing and you are now supportive, be vague enough with your choice of words so that if someone is overhearing it you are not incriminating them or getting them to incriminate themselves.

Please let us know how it goes.

You might want to to read this:

How to Be An Ally to Consaguinamorous People You Know

— — —

Saturday, November 26, 2022

Coping With Being Outed as Consanguinamorous

If you are consanguinamorous or have experience with consanguinamory, hopefully, you'll never be outed against your will. It's a cruel thing to out someone unless they're hypocritically using their power to persecute other consanguinamorous people. Fortunately, most people in consanguinamorous relationships are never outed to anyone hostile, at least not anyone with any power over them. Still, it happens to a few people.

In some places, consanguinamory is still criminalized. There are not yet any protections against discrimination (such as in employment or housing), and some people have an irrational hatred against consanguinamorists, to the point of being violent and even murderous against consangs.

So being outed against your will can be a very big deal.

It's best not to be outed against your consent in the first place, so see here and here and here, and discuss with your consanguinamory partner(s) what you'd do if you were outed. In some situations, you might want to Press the Red Button.

One of the significant problems with ignorance around consanguinamory is the false "guilt by association" in which loving relationships are equated with assault and child abuse. It is so irrational that if, for example, two middle-aged siblings are together, some bigots will accuse of them of abusing children. It is senseless, but it happens.


The bottom line in some cases, you might need to:

Deny/remain silent.

Remove your online/social media presence (other than burner accounts) or set everything to private. Don't allow tagging, location info, and block as much as needed.

Change your name.

Relocate to where people don't know you; let as few people know where you've gone as possible.



Let's consider what might happen.

— — —

Wednesday, November 23, 2022

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #11


“It will be a legal/paperwork nightmare as our system is set up for couples.” That’s what the bigots said about same-gender marriage and the Americans With Disabilities Act and just about any civil rights laws. Of course it is easier for those who already have what they want to keep things as they are. But what about all of the people who are denied their rights?

Adopting the polygamous freedom to marry under full marriage equality will take much less adjustment than adopting the Americans With Disabilities Act, the Violence Against Women Act and many other laws necessary to for equal protection and civil rights. Contract and business law already provides adaptable examples of how law can accommodate configurations involving three or more people, including when someone joins an existing relationship or leaves a relationship.


There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #10 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #12

— — —

Tuesday, November 22, 2022

Polyamory Day is November 23

November 23 is Polyamory Day!

I am polyamorous, but even if I wasn’t, we should all support the rights of all, including the rights of polyamorous people.

Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one loving intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

The image reads: November 23 is Polyamory Day. Celebrate!

Feel free to share this image anywhere that’s appropriate as long as you’re doing so in support of polyamory and polyamorous people. 

Let consenting adults love each other how they mutually agree!

There is much diversity in polyamory. The uniting factors to polyamory include that it is ongoing nonmonogamy and not cheating.

It has been great to see awareness and acceptance of polyamory grow in recent years. Let's continue to make progress!

As always, comments are welcome below. Are you celebrating? If so, how?
— — —

Monday, November 21, 2022

Planning For the Holidays

The year-end holidays are coming up. In the US, that is kicked off with Thanksgiving, which is the fourth Thursday in November. This year that the 24th. That has traditionally meant seeing family, such as parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc.

If you might be getting together with family for Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Winder Solstice, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year's Eve/Day, or any other holiday coming up, you might be facing specific decisions and considerations, especially if you're in an interracial relationship or an age gap relationship, or are LGBTQ+, nonmonogamous, consanguinamorous, or are exploring/living out kinks and certain dynamics:
  • Avoiding hostile people
  • Keeping closeted
  • Coming out
  • Making a move
You are under no obligation to spend holidays with people who are hostile to you because of your gender, orientation, relationships, or kinks, even if they are related to you. Repeat that to yourself as needed.

That being said, if there is just one or two hostile people and there will be dozen or more other people, consider if you can go and simply avoid the hostile people. Some families and gatherings allow for that.

What you tell people, how, and when, is up to you. If you're not ready to come out to the people you'd be spending time with, you shouldn't have to. Or, if you think coming out now to one, more, or all of the people who will be there would be best, you'll need to prepare yourself for emotionally for that.

As far as making a move, if there is a person or people likely to be there you want to "get closer to," whether relatives or family friends, plan ahead for the possibilities. Will there be a way to get them alone? Would it be good to get things in motion ahead of time through texts, messages, video chats, calls, etc.? Or do you want to wait until you're face to face to get things in motion or back into motion, as the situation might be.

Plan ahead and make the most of the season. What that means is up to you. For some of you, it will be making plans with friends and "found family" or your partner(s) and their families. Others will make the most of their opportunities by going "home." Plans can change, and that's fine. But do consider what you might want to do.

If you need someone to talk with or to give you feedback about your plans, or you just want to say hello to Keith, you can do so, as always, by emailing fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or message him on Wire at fullmarriageequality or on Facebook.

You can also comment with your thoughts, plans, or past experiences below.
— — —

Saturday, November 19, 2022

Transgender Day of Remembrance - Sunday November 20

On November 20, especially, we remember transgender people killed by hatred and ignorance. It's the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

For all transgender people reading this:

We value you. You are valid. You deserve to live your life free of prejudice, free of being attacked for who you are.

We are going to help make things better sooner rather than later.

We are with you.
— — —

Thursday, November 17, 2022

How Nonmonogamous People Can Avoid Trouble


Believe it or not, there are still criminal laws in many places criminalizing consensual sex and relationships between adults.

It doesn't matter to them how loving, happy, and lasting the relationships are. It apparently doesn't matter to the people interfering that every dollar or minute they spend trying to stop consenting adults from loving each other is a dollar or minute that could instead go into protecting people, especially children, against predators.

In addition to the persecution and prosecution of consanguinamorous people, polyamorists, polygamists, and other ethical nonmonogamists can face discrimination and even prosecution.

Some awesome people put together a very helpful lists of state laws for polyamorous people in the US or considering moving to the US. First, note the disclaimer that there is an ever-present at the bottom of this blog. I'll mostly repeat it here:
— — —

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Respect For Marriage Act

Like many countries, the US needs a national "Respect For Marriage Act."

Our laws should ensure that an adult is free to marry any and all consenting adults, and have their marriages respected under the law, in courts, by schools, in hospitals, by insurance agencies, and so forth. This should be the case in every state, county, and city.

Ideally, we would adopt a Marriage Equality Amendment that supports diversity, equity, and inclusion.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, who is capable of consent, regardless of their age, race, ethnicity, national origin, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or any other personal characteristic, their rights to consent to relationships, love, sex, kink, residence, or marriage with any and all consenting adults.

Denying the polyamorous right to marry shouldn’t be part of any law. Equality “just for some” isn’t equality.

Let's support full marriage equality.
— — —

Monday, November 14, 2022

Transgender Awareness Week 2022

November 13 through November 19 is celebration to educate about transgender and gender non-conforming people and the issues. It leads up to Transgender Day of Remembrance (November 20).

To learn more, visit HRC and GLAAD.

We stand with our transgender and gender non-conforming family, friends, coworkers, classmates, and neighbors.

We oppose discrimination against them. We support them having their rights, including their right to marry or to otherwise have the relationships to which they mutually agree.

Oppose bigotry. Support rights.
— — —

Friday, November 11, 2022

Veterans Day

November 11 is the Veterans Day holiday in the US.

I can’t help but think of the people who risked their lives (and those who gave them) and endured so many things in service to their country, who weren’t and haven’t been free to be who they really are and share their lives openly with the person or persons they love.

Recent years have brought progress, and we have to fight to keep what we've gained while still looking for more progress. Problematic laws and policies remain, and, of course, LGBTQ+ people, the nonmonogamous and polyamorous, and consanguinamorous still endure the the threat of prosecution, persecution, or discrimination.

Shouldn’t someone who risked their life for this country be able to marry more than one person, or a biological relative? Or at least share a life with the person(s) they love without a fear that their own government will be against them? Is bravery and valor negated if a man loves more than one woman, or his long lost sister? Shouldn’t a woman who served be free to marry both of the women she loves?

Let’s thank our veterans, some of whom were drafted into service, especially those who are still being treated as second class citizens.
— — —

Tuesday, November 8, 2022

Intersex Day of Solidarity


Today, November 8, and every day, we stand in solidarity with intersex people. 

It’s Intersex Day of Solidarity.

Our bodies, genders, orientations, and relationships are diverse. Every person should be free to be themselves and to share love, sex, and relationships if and as mutually agreed with others. This includes intersex people. 

Intersex people are not broken. We stand against discrimination against, and persecution of, our intersex friends, family, and neighbors.

— — —

Monday, November 7, 2022

Last Minute Reminder for Americans: Vote

In case you needed it, here's your last-minute reminder to vote if you're an American voter.

Please vote, if possible, for candidates who support full marriage equality and general relationship rights for all.

Today, Tuesday, November 8, is IT.

Either go vote in person, if your location allows that, or drop off your completed ballot at your local elections office or designated collection sites.

Make your voice heard!
— — —

Friday, November 4, 2022

Ethical Nonmonogamy is Not Cheating

Cheating is breaking an existing agreement or vow and keeping/intending to keep that breech of the agreement a secret from the person or people with whom it was made rather than informing the other(s) that the agreement is over (which is "leaving").

Ethical nonmonogamy is not cheating. (ENM may also be known as “consensual nonmonogamy” or “disclosed nonmonogamy.”)

For example, Mark and Jenny are swingers. Their agreement is that they will only be with others when they are both present. Anything more than a hug or kiss on the cheek with someone else, or revealing genitals to someone else in a social context, when they are not together, is a no. They attend parties together and have sex with others there; that's not cheating. But while Jenny is out of town on business, Mark picks up a woman at a bar and she gives him oral sex. Under the agreement he has with Jenny, this is cheating. Other swingers have different rules.

Some people have open relationships/marriages and a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, meaning the partners can be with others and won't ask or tell each other about who or what or when, often with certain conditions such as using protection and having STI tests. If you're not communicating with a potential partner's other partner(s), you can't be sure that being with you wouldn't involve your potential new partner cheating. Ultimately, though, at some point you just have to trust what someone tells you because establishing an absolute negative is extremely difficult. How can you be sure they don't have an agreement with some other person out there that would be breached with whatever you're doing? You can't. You can only be sure that you're not cheating on someone.*

Ethical nonmonogamy can take many forms, from lifelong spousal triads and quads (polyamory) to couples swapping to swinging to open marriages to couples engaging in the occasional casual threesome to someone living alone but having casual hookups. Informed consent is the core of all of this. While ENM is not cheating, people who profess or attempt to maintain ENM might cheat, just like monogamists might cheat. If there is a closed triad and someone in the triad has a secret lover on the side contrary to the agreement with the two others in the triad, that's cheating. "Fluid bonding" is a term used in polyamorous circles. Someone might only have unprotected sex with one person, and protected sex with others. Going without protection would be a form of cheating.

One should never assume that someone who is married or at least coupled isn't available, although one can certainly decide they don't want to be with someone who is married or coupled. That's each person's decision to make. Just because someone is married or has a partner doesn't automatically mean they aren't available for romance or sexual affection or some other social activities (meals together, going to the theatre).

While one may decide that kissing someone else is cheating and a deal breaker for their relationship, not all cheating has the same implications and risks.


— — —

Tuesday, November 1, 2022

Don't Like It? You Don't Have to Do It

I get all sorts of comments submitted to this blog, and send to me through other means. Some express prejudice and bigotry. From one of those...

I definitely believe it is disgusting and wrong for a father and daughter to have a sexual relationship. I thought it was illegal in most states no matter if it is consensual or not. I can’t imagine doing that.

Let's consider this statement closely.

I definitely believe it is disgusting and wrong for a father and daughter to have a sexual relationship.

What disgusts you can influence what you do. It should have no control over what anyone else does.

What would make it wrong for two (or more) individuals, who aren't cheating, who are capable of consenting, to consent to sex? Is sex itself wrong? Or do you believe that it is only right to have sex under certain conditions in addition to consent and being free to take on a new partner? What would those conditions be? Regardless, your claim that it is wrong shouldn't have power over the rights of anyone else.

I thought it was illegal in most states no matter if it is consensual or not.

Unconstitutional laws do still remain on the books that criminalize this in 48 states. That means in two states, there is no such law. What is your objection in those two states? Or the many countries with no ridiculous laws.to that effect?

I can’t imagine doing that.

Then don't. Nobody is saying you have to.

I can't imagine running a marathon. Does that mean nobody else should be free to do so?

The fact is, human sexuality and relationships are diverse. Not everyone is going to want the same things. And that's OK! There is no good reason to try to deny people the relationships to which they've mutually agreed.

There are women who have been consanguinamorous with their genetic fathers. Some have been together until their father's death, in a loving relationship with no regrets (other than not starting sooner). Why should they be denied their rights just because someone else doesn't like their love? There's no good reason.

We need to support relationship rights for all, and full marriage equality.
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Monday, October 31, 2022

Does Swapping or Swinging Ruin Marriage?


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Friday, October 28, 2022

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is October 31 and it is celebrated widely and diversely here in the US.

Do you have any special plans for Halloween? Have you done or will you do anything fun or interesting this year at a Halloween party or event?

Whatever you do, please be careful and stay safe!

Here in the states, the stores depend on Halloween to sell a lot of merchandise. In typical years, there are parties, costume contests, what amounts to theatre in front of (and inside, sometimes) the homes of people as they try to scare or entertain neighbors and strangers with things ranging from silly to sexy, spooky to gory. In some places, kids (and often parents) in costumes go from door to door collecting candy or other treats.

Many amusement parks, ranging from small to the largest, do special entertainment in the weeks leading up to Halloween, and this is a favorite time of the year for movie studios to release horror movies, and for broadcasters to show ones from years past.

For some, there are religious or spiritual aspects to the day, and it might be called by other names.

Some interesting things can happen when people are having fun at costume parties, or cuddled up together watching scary movies. Maybe you'll be home with family or other loved ones, watching something good or playing some fun games?

So, as always, feel free to comment or share your plans or stories, including from years past. You can comment anonymously below.
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Tuesday, October 25, 2022

Stop Dragon Your Hate Around

Television series "House of the Dragon" (a "Game of Thrones" prequel) put the topic on "incest" back into discussions. The magazine Cosmopolitan tweeted this, and then deleted their tweet, because there is so much ignorance and bigotry on Twitter. [For those who don't see it, the tweet showed two characters who are about to kiss or just have, and said "Now That 'House of Dragon' Is Over, I'll Say It: Incest Fantasies are Hot"]

TW/CW!!!

How many times does it need to be said?

Consensual incest (consanguinamory) and abuse are two very different things.

It is terrible that anybody was abused by a close relative. But abuse by a close relative doesn't make CONSENSUAL affection between close relatives wrong any more than rape by a stranger makes sex with a blind date wrong.

From the article at Cosmopolitan.com...

There’s nothing morally okay about inter-family sex, no matter how hot the actors and how palpable the chemistry.

On the contrary, there is nothing wrong with it. Consenting adults should be free to chose their lovers.

And yet, week after week since August 21, fans have rooted—nay, thirsted—for Daemon and Rhaenyra Targaryen on House of the Dragon, and I, dear reader, am one of them.

Yes, it is one of those situations. "I'm turned on by the idea but I think real people who actually love each other should be denied their rights and stigmatized!"

When they finally had sex (as consenting adults), fans ate it up.

Good. But don't turn around the throw real people under the bus.

So even though IRL, incest is wrong (“Children resulting from an incestual relationship can sometimes suffer from congenital anomalies when blending familial genetics,” says Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples therapist in Los Angeles. “This is one of the primary reasons that incest is a taboo to begin with.”
This, apart from the fact that when it does happen, it is often a result of sexual abuse.)

That is literally the same sort of crap bigots say about people being gay. Most people who were abused in the past still CHOOSE their CONSENSUAL lovers later.

Kinky fantasies are also at play here. It’s okay to be turned on by something (be it in porn, on your favorite Netflix show, or in your own private mental playground) that you’d never actually do IRL. That’s why they’re called fantasies. Everyone has them, and shows like House of the Dragon give people an outlet for safe exploration.

It's pretty safe to sexually experiment with someone who already knows and loves you, too.

Many people fantasize about consanguineous sex.

Many people want to engage in consanguineous sex.

Many people have engaged in consanguineous sex.

None of that is wrong in and of itself.

There are people everywhere who are in ongoing, loving, romantic relationships with one more more close relatives. You might even know and admire some without knowing of their relation. Stop separating people out to be the targets of prejudice and other forms of hate. Let's defend the rights of ALL to their sexuality and relationships.
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Monday, October 24, 2022

We Support Our Ace and Intersex Friends and Neighbors

We have a couple of important observances to note this week.

Asexual Awareness Week is THIS WEEK, October 23 through October 29. It's an international campaign to educate about asexual, aromantic, demisexual and grey-sexual identities and experiences. You are welcome here! Nobody should be discriminated against or be denied their rights for having these identities.

Intersex Awareness Day is Wednesday, October 26. Intersex people should not be discriminated against or denied their rights, nor forced into narrow gender roles imposed by someone else. You are welcome here!

Humans are diverse. We have diversity in our bodies, in our identities, in our attractions, and in our relationships.

Kindness and respect go a long way. Let people be who they are. Bullying, harassment, and discrimination spread hate. Spread love instead.  Let's support each other and stand up for the rights of all.
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Saturday, October 22, 2022

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #10


“Polyamory/polygamy spreads sexually transmitted infections.” Unprotected sex with someone who is infected is how such infections may be transmitted. Twenty people could have group sex and a group marriage for fifty years and if none of them brings an infection into the marriage and they only have sex with each other, none of them will get a sexually transmitted infection.

We do not deny people their freedom to marry based on which diseases they have. In most places, people can legally have sex with multiple partners anyway. Polyfidelity can be encouraged if polygamy is legalized and polyamory is no longer stigmatized, which would actually reduce disease transmission. Polyamorous people tend to be more careful about prevention, safer sex, and actually talking about the issues involved.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #9 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #11

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Thursday, October 20, 2022

Frequently Asked Question: Is This Incest?

One frequently asked question is whether dating this person would be incest, or if doing this activity with a close relative is incest. The question is posed in different ways…

Is this incest?
Is it incest to date my in-law?
Is it incest to date my adopted sister?
Is it incest to date my adopted brother?
Is it incest to date my stepbrother?
Is it incest to date my stepsister?
Is it incest to date my uncle?
Is it incest to date my aunt?
Is it incest to date my cousin?
Is it incest to kiss my brother?
Is it incest to kiss my sister?
It it incest if my sibling and I have masturbated in front of each other?

The subtext is usually, “Is it wrong?

First of all, regardless of laws, I see nothing wrong with any kind of physical affection, contact, or companionship between any consenting adults or minors who are close in age, as long as existing vows to others are not being violated. This includes dating, literally sleeping together, seeing each other nude, hand-holding, hugging, kissing (of any sort,) contact with genitals, intercourse, living together, marrying, etc. If these people are right for each other and want this with each other, then it shouldn’t be anyone else’s place to object.

As I always point out, I’m writing about consensual experimentation, exploration, affection, making out, sex, love, dating, partnering, living together, and marriage. I’m not talking about assault, molestation, abuse, or coercion. If someone forces themselves on you, that is wrong regardless of their relation to you.

What is incest? That depends on who you ask. The definition I once found at Wikipedia was

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Tuesday, October 18, 2022

"If You Have Sex With An Adopted Or Illegitimate Sibling..."

There was a question I answered a while back on Quora. The question was "If you have sex with an adopted or illegitimate sibling, is that incest?"

Since an "adopted sibling" could mean, among other things, 1) a biological sibling who was adopted by other parents; 2) a non-biological sibling adopted by your parents, I addressed both of those situations in my answer.

There are three definitions for consensual incest: 1) biological, 2) social/cultural, and 3) legal.

Someone who is adopted into your family is, in most places, legally and socially considered your family, and so while it wouldn't be incest biologically, it would be considered as such socially and legally where there are anti-consanguinamory laws and those laws include adopted relations, as laws vary from place to place. These laws are so ridiculous they would apply even if the sibling was adopted into your family as you were both middle-aged adults. In fact, you could marry someone and your parents could adopt that person and make your marriage incestuous. That's how stupid those laws are.

But the laws get even more ridiculous, where they exist. Let's say by "adopted sibling" you mean your sibling that your parents had before you, gave up for adoption, and never told you about. You meet that person completely unaware you had an older sibling, fall in love, marry, even have healthy kids together. (This has happened, by the way.) Then it is discovered they are your genetic/biological sibling. Even though they weren't legally or socially your sibling, they were biologically, and now those stupid laws criminalize your marriage and love. You're actually expected, by the law, to stop having sex with each other.

"Illegitimacy" is a concept that has largely been abolished as far as the law is concerned, at least is the US, where I live. It is also considered an offensive term by many. It means someone was born outside of a legally recognized marriage. In the past, it meant the child might not have a claim to their father's estate, for example. As far as anti-consanguinamory laws go, if your "illegitimate" sibling is your biological sibling, it would still be considered incest in all three ways.

An adult SHOULD be free to have sex with any and all consenting adults. Laws against that are unjust. What someone else wants to call it shouldn't matter.

If people are siblings by birth...

If people are siblings by adoption...

If they are stepsiblings because their parents married...

If they are genetic siblings but raised apart...

If they aren't related by law or genetics but grew up together...

...and they mutually consent to sex with each other, that shouldn't be something to be negatively labeled, shamed, discriminated against, or criminalized.

Siblings have been having sex for as long as there have been siblings, anywhere there have been siblings, regardless of class. There are siblings doing it right now, not far from wherever you are. Some have done it for recreation, some have done it to learn, some have done it for passion, some have done it for love, some have have it because they are living as spouses, some have done it for other reasons. It is their right and they shouldn't have to hide. There is no good reason to deny them their rights.
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Monday, October 17, 2022

Spirit Day 2022 - Thursday, October 20

Thursday, October 20 is Spirit Day. Among varying activities, people wear purple in support of LGBTQ+ youth, against bullying.

Nobody should be bullied, harassed, or discriminated against because of their gender, sexuality, or relationship diversities or those of their family members or friends.

Are you observing Spirit Day? Leave a comment below telling us about it
.

Defend people against prejudice, bullying, harassment, and discrimination.

How You Can Help



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Tuesday, October 11, 2022

Frequently Asked Question: Why Is Incest Illegal?

It shouldn’t be illegal anywhere, as you’ll see. As always, we note that we are talking about consensual incest (consanguinamory), such as between consenting adults, and between minors close in age. We are not talking about anything involving coercion or force or molestation. There are laws against rape, assault, and molestation, and they should remain. We are talking about consensual incest, consanguineous sex and marriage, and consanguinamory, whether initiated through Genetic Sexual Attraction or not.

Short answer: It isn’t illegal everywhere, but where it is, it is the lingering result of sex-police holdovers, superstition, prejudice, and legislative inertia.

Long answer:

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