Polyamory Exists and Must Be Recognized

Good news from New York.

From Greg Owen at lgbtqnation.com...

The decision came in the case of West 49th St., LLC v. O’Neill, decided by New York Civil Court Judge Karen May Bacdayan, concluded that polyamorous relationships are entitled to the same sort of legal protection given to two-person relationships.

Thank you, Honorable Judge Bacdayan!

The case revolves around three individuals. Scott Anderson and Markyus O’Neill lived together in a New York City apartment. Anderson held the lease, but was married to another man, Robert Romano, who lived at another address. After Anderson died, the building’s owner contended O’Neill had no right to renew the lease since he was just a “roommate” of Anderson’s and not “a non-traditional family member.”

The court concluded that there needed to be a hearing about whether Anderson, Romano and O’Neill were in a polyamorous relationship.

Let people have the relationships and form the families to which they mutually agree.

The judge cited legislation enacted since the advent of federally recognized same sex unions. “In February 2020, the Utah legislature passed a so-called Bigamy Bill, decriminalizing the offense by downgrading it from a felony to a misdemeanor. In June [2020], Somerville, Massachusetts, passed an ordinance allowing groups of three or more people who ‘consider themselves to be a family’ to be recognized as domestic partners. The neighboring town of Cambridge followed suit, passing a broader ordinance recognizing multi-partner relationships. The law has proceeded even more rapidly in recognizing that it is possible for a child to have more than two legal parents.”

Progress. Hopefully we progress much faster.

“Why then,” posited the judge, “except for the very real possibility of implicit majoritarian animus, is the limitation of two persons inserted into the definition of a family-like relationship for the purposes of receiving the same protections from eviction accorded to legally formalized or blood relationships? Is ‘two’ a ‘code word’ for monogamy? Why does a person have to be committed to one other person in only certain prescribed ways in order to enjoy stability in housing after the departure of a loved one?”

There's no good reason to deny the validity of polyamorous relationships, nor to discriminate against them.

Our courts, legislatures, service providers, workplaces, and so many others must embrace relationship rights and full marriage equality for all. Let people have the relationships and form the families to which they mutually agree. Stop trying to force a narrow heteromonogamous paradigm onto everyone.

Let's keep making progress!

We Get Hate Mail and Misrepresentation

The New York Post ran an article about a couple who wants their right to marry. Then they did a follow up in which they accurately quoted me. They tweeted a link to that article, and that tweet drew many bigoted responses, but nothing even approaching a good argument as to why this couple, or any consenting adults, should be denied their rights. 

Some people decided to email or comment here on this blow with their hate. Here, for example, is one submitted comment...

This destroys relationships with ALL FAMILY MEMBERS and the people practicing it period.

The experiences of millions of people say otherwise. But let’s see if this anonymous hater will explain how.

New York and Every State Needs Full Marriage Equality

I'm seeing a lot of attention for this article from nypost.com, written by Kathianne Boniello...

A New Yorker who wants to marry their own adult offspring is suing to overturn laws barring the incestuous practice, calling it a matter of “individual autonomy.”

Good. Either we have a right to marry, or we don't. Most people support the right to marry. We certainly do!

Full marriage equality is needed NOW!

Hacienda Villa in Brooklyn Sounds Very Interesting

Niki Davis brings us this look at Hacienda Villa at bushwickdaily.com...

The Hacienda Villa is Bushwick’s intentional, sex-positive, polyamorous community. Polyamory involves the practice of consensual non-monogamy. People in the community are open to having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships concurrently. Except, rather than lying about it like many married couples do, for poly folks, all partners are in the know about what’s going down. As their website states, “Hacienda is a social experiment designed to celebrate sex, educate the curious, and dispel shame.”

Sounds good.

Some practice relationship anarchy, where they don’t believe in labels or structure. Some have primary and secondary partners and make explicit rules regarding how to allocate time in each relationship. Many practice something in-between.

There are many ways to be ethically nonmonogamous.

BUSHWICK DAILY: What experiences led you to realize that you might be poly? 

KENNETH PLAY: I struggled with relationship structures for most of my 20s. I would have serial monogamous relationships, but I would find myself getting bored because my novelty drive is so high. It’s not because I don't still love this person, but I go through the infatuation phase, and then experience such a big dip. I kept thinking to myself that something must be wrong, it’s supposed to be magical and feel good forever. Later in life, when I discovered this community, I felt so much less alone. Also, working with Dr. Zhana provided sex science that helped me navigate it, understanding that after the infatuation phase this chemical drive transitions into something else. I learned to navigate how my biology works. Being in a non-monogamous relationship allows me to have enough novelty.

There are many reasons why some for of ethical nonmonogamy might be better for someone than monogamy.

After speaking with Play he gave me a tour of the villa. There was recently a sex party downstairs, so there were lots of mattresses set up. He then let me take a ride on unicorn Sybian, while attempting to take a coherent Instastory and thanked me for my time.

There are other intentional communities, temporary (perhaps annually) and permanent, where people live outside of the strict and narrow restrictions so often presented as ideal. There always have been. You may know of some out of history that have been presented as failures, but most today do not draw attention to themselves and are doing fine.

New York Moves Closer to Full Marriage Equality

A Friend of Lily bought to my attention this Reuters report at yahoo.com by Daniel Wiessner…

Nearly a century after the same court annulled a marriage between an uncle and his half-niece, New York's top court said on Tuesday that a woman's union with her half-uncle was lawful.

It’s progress, no matter how small.

U.S. immigration officials in 2007 said Vietnamese citizen Huyen Nguyen's marriage in 2000 to her mother's half-brother, U.S. citizen Vu Truong, was void and sought to deport her. A federal appeals court asked the New York Court of Appeals to decide whether such marriages were lawful.

Nguyen was aged 19 and Truong was 24 when they got married.

The U.S. Justice Department claimed an 1893 state law that bars marriages between "a brother and sister of either the whole or the half blood," as well as "uncles and nieces or aunts and nephews," applied to Nguyen and Truong.

But it doesn’t specify half-uncles or half-aunts. It also doesn’t specify that a brother can’t marry a brother or a sister a sister or an uncle a nephew or an aunt a niece, although other laws may apply. We touched on these topics recently here.

According to court documents, Maine is the only state that expressly allows marriages between uncles and nieces or aunts and nephews. Courts in four states, including Kansas and Missouri, have upheld such marriages, while about 30 states have banned them.

The case is Huyen Nguyen v. Eric Holder, New York State Court of Appeals, No. 146.

See this map from The Final Manifesto. We need to get rid of the ridiculous patchwork of which adults are going to have which rights in different states and have nationwide full marriage equality so that an adult is free to marry any and all consenting adults.

Congrats to the couple and all who supported and represented them!

From a Lawyer

I have made it clear in this blog that I'm not a lawyer and I'm not offering legal advice (see my disclaimer way down at the bottom of the blog.)

But... a lawyer sent along an email that just might be useful for some of the couples I've interviewed and whose rights this blog is about.

Here is what one David A. Robinson, J.D., member of the Connecticut Bar, wrote...

A Lily Pad is Needed

You may have seen recent reports of a building in Brooklyn identified as a place for polyamorous people. Having places were ethical nonmonogamy is supported in the middle of a larger culture where monogamy is the official party line is nothing new. See, for example, the Oneida Community. More recently, and ongoing, New Culture camps are welcoming and supportive. Whether retreats or persistent residential communities, whatever form of ethical nonmonogamy it is called (free love, polaymory, polygamy, plural marriage, group marriage, open relationships, swinging), it has always gone on, sometimes hidden for safety.

Having safe places for people who are targeted for discrimination is an ongoing tradition of compassion and self-preservation. African Americans had a printed directory of places that would offer welcoming accommodations during travels. LGBT people had gay bars, which were sometimes targeted for raids.

I have said, half jokingly, in discussions with Friends of Lily that what lovers in consanguinamorous relationships need are places called Lily Pads. Currently, people in these relationships can only be free if they relocate permanently. Otherwise, vacations far from home can provide the only time they can stroll hand in hand, smooch, dance, and share a romantic night out.

It is really a shame that there would have to be places set aside for consenting adults to love each other without others causing them trouble. Let's keep evolving into a more positive world!

More About NY Teen Hit With Criminal Charge of Consensual Sex

We recently told you about this case here.

Since then, I found two other news items about the case. They both reveal that the boy arrested is 17, but both give his name! Most news sources do not reveal names of criminal defendants under the age of 18, and almost as many do not reveal any names in cases of sexual assault or molestation so as to protect the identity of the person or persons who were allegedly victimized. One of the articles says he is "is accused of engaging in oral sexual conduct with an underage male family member." But what does that mean? The criminal charge implies it was not an assault, meaning the other person did it willingly. Also, "underage" can mean 16 or 2. That's a huge difference. Again, if he assaulted or molested a kid, charge him accordingly. If this was sexual exploration with a willing 15-year-old, this should not be a crime. Why haven't the reports indicated how law enforcement got involved? If it was the other minor complaining, that is a world of difference than if an uptight neighbor saw two boys enjoying each other and decided to put and end to it.

I'm tagging this with brother-brother and siblings even though we have no way of knowing. It could have been a nephew.

Is New York Prosecuting Teenagers For Consensual Sex?

Most therapists don't consider sex between minors close in age problematic or abusive unless there is some form of coercion or duress involved. Let me get that out of the way first. At news10.com, I found this report that a "teenager" in Corinth, New York has been arrested and charged with a felony...

A local teenager has been arrested and accused of incest.

According to the Saratoga County Sheriff's Office, the teen was arrested on Sunday evening following an investigation into a reported sex offense.
The teenager was arrested and charged with Incest in the 3^rd, a felony, and sexual misconduct, a misdemeanor.

Third degree implies this was NOT assault, but rather something the other person did willingly. See for yourself...

§ 255.25 Incest in the third degree. A person is guilty of incest in the third degree when he or she marries or engages in sexual intercourse, oral sexual conduct or anal sexual conduct with a person whom he or she knows to be related to him or her, whether through marriage or not, as an ancestor, descendant, brother or sister of either the whole or the half blood, uncle, aunt, nephew or niece. Incest in the third degree is a class E felony.

If this had been an assault, then he could have been charged with second degree (which specifies nonconsent) and/or some other crimes. Third degree should not even be a matter of criminal law.

Back to the article...

Authorities say the teen is accused of engaging in the sex offense with a younger family member.

He was arraigned and remanded to the Saratoga County Jail in lieu of bail or bond.

It is rather difficult to commit incest with someone who isn't a relative. Seriously, what's really going on here? If this was assault, charge it as such. If this was consensual, leave it alone. Since they didn't name him, and since they didn't say they were withholding his name to protect the other person, my guess is that he's a minor himself, and my guess is also that someone else ratted them out. Again, if this was an assault, charge him accordingly. Otherwise, this is a waste of law enforcement and ruining a young man's life for no good reason. A reminder to all to read this.

State of New York Still Prosecuting Consenting Adults

That's the impression given to me based on what I can read of this article by Mike Hibbard at fltimes.com. The article is partially hidden behind a pay wall, so I can only base this on what I could see for free.

A Benton man accused of having sex with his sister is looking at a possible prison sentence.

Marvin Martin, 28, pleaded guilty Tuesday in Yates County Court to third-degree incest. The charge is a class E felony punishable by up to four years in prison.

That charge is for consensual sex. And notice the article says "having sex," which I consider entirely different than assaulting. "Having sex" implies mutual consent. This is what the law say in New York...

§ 255.25 Incest in the third degree. A person is guilty of incest in the third degree when he or she marries or engages in sexual intercourse, oral sexual conduct or anal sexual conduct with a person whom he or she knows to be related to him or her, whether through marriage or not, as an ancestor, descendant, brother or sister of either the whole or the half blood, uncle, aunt, nephew or niece. Incest in the third degree is a class E felony.

In New Jersey, this wouldn't be happening.

If this had been assault or molestation, he could have been charged with 1st or 2nd degree incest, which deal with assault.

If this was consensual, it shouldn't be a crime.

If this was assault, did the DA make a deal in exchange for the guilty plea? Someone who rapes someone else should face a lot more than four years in prison. Someone who has consensual sex with another adult shouldn't be arrested in the first place.

Here are the laws against assault of a family member...

§ 255.26 Incest in the second degree. A person is guilty of incest in the second degree when he or she commits the crime of rape in the second degree, as defined in section 130.30 of this part, or criminal sexual act in the second degree, as defined in section 130.45 of this part, against a person whom he or she knows to be related to him or her, whether through marriage or not, as an ancestor, descendant, brother or sister of either the whole or the half blood, uncle, aunt, nephew or niece. Incest in the second degree is a class D felony.

§ 255.27 Incest in the first degree. A person is guilty of incest in the first degree when he or she commits the crime of rape in the first degree, as defined in subdivision three or four of section 130.35 of this part, or criminal sexual act in the first degree, as defined in subdivision three or four of section 130.50 of this part, against a person whom he or she knows to be related to him or her, whether through marriage or not, as an ancestor, descendant, brother or sister of either the whole or half blood, uncle, aunt, nephew or niece. Incest in the first degree is a class B felony.

If anyone in law enforcement or journalism, especially the ones involved in this case, what to explain, I'm all ears. You can leave a comment, including anonymously, if you'd like, and you have request in the comment for me to NOT publish it, if you'd like. Or you can email me. 

UPDATE Sept. 9 2013: 

A kind person responded to my email inquiry about this, telling me this was a plea deal. From the full article...

Martin pleaded guilty under an Alford plea, where a criminal defendant doesn’t admit an act but admits the prosecution could prove the charge. He was arrested earlier this year by state police, who allege Martin had sex with his sister dating back to 2006, when she was 15.

The arrest was not reported to the media. With the ages of 21 and 15, this was either rape or statutory rape. It this was a rape, the sentence limitations mean the sentence will be far too lenient. There are still unanswered questions, such as why it took until 2013 to arrest someone for something that happened in 2006. Was she so traumatized that she didn't come forward until this year? Or was this something law enforcement took up because of someone else's concerns? The laws need to be reformed. Remove separate laws against "incest," instead adding sentencing enhancements for rape/assault or molestation if it is by a guardian or someone with authority or power over the victim.

Another News Blurb Without Enough Information

I need to call more attention to examples of news reports that do contain enough information to get an idea of what is alleged to have happened in criminal cases. It can be done without compromising the identity of crime victims. When reports or "incest" are vague because law enforcement is not releasing enough information and newsrooms aren't asking enough questions before they publish items, we have no way of knowing if what is alleged to have happened was a matter of assault or consensual sex. Those are two very different things, and yet in many places, the latter is still treated as a criminal matter even though it shouldn't be.

The latest example I have is this blurb from wivb.com in Wellsville, New York by Liz Reiman...

A 16-year-boy of Wellsville was arrested Saturday around 4:30a.m. Sunday.

The youth was charged with Incest and was committed to the Allegany County Jail on $5,000 bail.

The 16-year-old, whose name has not been released,  is due back in Wellsville Village Court on January 15th at 1p.m.

That's it. A charge of "incest," without hearing a degree attached, doesn't tell us much at all. If this was a matter of assault, why isn't their a charge of assault or rape? If this was a matter of consensual sex between minors close in age (for example, with his 14-year-old niece, nephew, brother, or sister), and was reported by some freaked out family member or neighbor, then it is a far different matter than if you have, say, a 16-year-old assaulting an 8-year-old, but both could call under being "charged with Incest."

Play About Consanguinamory to Run in New York

The Happiest Medium took a look at a play of interest with "Accidental Incest: Someone For Everyone" – 5 Things To Know About The Show Before You Go (2012 Planet Connections Festivity).

The show benefits RAINN and is produced by Daydream Theatre Company. Here's the description...

“Accidental Incest: Someone for Everyone” is a sick and disturbing comedy about two people who find romance in this crazy world. The problem is that they are indeed brother and sister! So they are left with a question: Be miserable or be with the one person who truly gets who you are.”

Why is that "sick and disturbing?" This sort of thing has happened in life before, especially due to Genetic Sexual Attraction. I think it is beautiful. There is enough hate in the world. When adults find love together, why should that be disturbing? RAINN fights abuse. Abuse is disturbing, not love.

At the link, the writer/director, Lenny Schwartz, answers some questions...

What do you hope the audience receives from the experience of seeing this show?
 
Lenny: Acceptance of themselves…no matter what size shape, color, or sexual orientation. and that’s the truth.

That was something my dad always believed in. Be happy with who you are. He was so excited when he heard I was doing this show…then two weeks after I told him he passed on.

My dad always liked when I wrote comedies. He also was accepting of everyone…and made sure that no matter who was in the room that they were worthwhile human beings no matter who they were or what they may have done in their their lives.

This one is for you, dad.

Show Times:
Friday 6/15/12 – 4:00pm
Saturday 6/16/12 – 6:00pm
Sunday 6/17/12 – 8:00pm

Planet Connections runs from May 30 – June 24 at The Bleecker Street Theater located at 45 Bleecker Street, New York, NY. To purchase tickets to this or any of the shows click here.

Another News Blurb Fails to Note Unjust Prosecution

Once again, we get too little information from law enforcement and journalists. This news blurb's headline is "Man sentenced to jail for incest." The news is from Lockport, New York. We know consensual incest (consanguinamory) is still illegal in New York, and we know that some US states sill prosecute consenting adults for consanguinamory.

A 21-year-old Lockport man was sentenced today for incest.
James David Knoop was sentenced to 6 months in jail for incest in the 3rd degree.  He was also sentenced to 10 years supervision.

No mention is made of whether this was assault or consensual sex, both of which can be defined under the term "incest." No mention is made of the age of the victim(s) (if it was an assault) or the other participant(s) if it was consensual. So we don't know from the blurb whether this was a ridiculous prosecution of consensual sex, or if this was a just prosecution of a predator.

I did some digging myself, something a journalist can easily do. From the state's website:

Another Inadequate News Blurb

Out of New York comes a news item titled "Owego Incest Arrest."

Here's the entirely of the blurb...

A Tioga County man has been charged with incest.

The Owego Police Department arrested 62 year-old Ralph Anderson. He was arraigned in Candor Court and sent to jail on $5,000 cash bail.

Once again, the authorities and the news reporters need not identify a crime victim in order to clarify what is men by "incest." Are we talking about assault of another adult? Assault of a minor? Molestation? If so, why not charge him with those charges? If he did those things, he should be locked up for a long time.

If we are talking about consensual sex, then this prosecution is unjust and an abuse of power.

Either way, more information should be provided, so we can know who is the possibly abusive monster... Anderson or the authorities?

New York Brother and Sister Deny the Rumors

It shouldn’t be an insult or slander to say that two people have multidimensional love for each other. What am I talking about? This story from New York about septuagenarian siblings who say their landlord is telling others they are consanguinamorous.

Clara Sharma, 75, and her roommate-brother, Charles Steene, 71, claim their landlord is trying to roust them from their rent-stabilized Manhattan digs by spreading vicious rumors that they share more than just an apartment.

Sharma told The Post that management of the Morningside Heights building waged a whisper campaign against them, prompting tenants to believe she sleeps with her brother.

It is too bad that such rumors would have any power. It would be nice if we were to the point, as a culture, in which most people would say, “So what?”

“It’s character assassination,” Sharma said. “I’m not that kind of person. I was never that hard up that I would tap on family.”

It’s not a matter of being hard-up, unless she is saying her brother is not an attractive person.

A neighbor, Alan Messmann, called her “wacky” last year, and then referred to her as “an incestuous little witch,” Sharma alleged in a $50 million Manhattan Supreme Court lawsuit filed last week against Messmann for slander.

Robert Cohen, who heads the management company, said the charges “are completely without merit.”

This kind of thing used to happen more with rumors that someone was gay or lesbian. It doesn’t matter. So what if they are? The problem is the prejudiced reactions and fears some have over the sexuality of others. It doesn’t matter if your neighbors are gay, or polyamorous, or consanguinamorous, or anything else that has no negative impact on you whatsoever. The only time it is ever relevant is when someone is trying to keep someone else from being who they are or sharing their love, while secretly doing the same thing themselves. But these siblings are not running a political campaign to deny marriage equality, so what would it matter if they like to get it on after watching "Matlock" reruns or "The Price is Right"? I'm sure a lot of people their age wish they were so lucky.

When we have full marriage equality, it will take away a lot of power from such rumors.

If You're Around NYC Tuesday Night...

Damon L. Jacobs, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist, had this announcement on his blog...

I am so thrilled to be a guest speaker at the monthly Open Love NYC Discussion Group this Tuesday, September 27, from 7:30-9:30. The topic is "Rational Polyamory" and reflects my growing interest in helping people create wonderfully joyful, fulfilling, and rationally based relationships with others.

Individuals who share love and affection with more than one person are uniquely positioned to experience deeper levels of pleasure and satisfaction in all relationships. But without certain principles they may often flounder and become frustrated. I will be offering an easy roadmap for participants to implement in order to gain more satisfaction and fulfillment in their daily interactions. Attendees will learn how to:

• Improve rational communication that promotes respect, integrity, and efficacy in interpersonal relationships with multiple partners.
• Learn the value of staying present and ways to maintain here-and-now focus.
• Explore impact of "drama" in increasing frustrations and resentments.
• Gain tools for managing and inevitable insecurities that arise in poly relationships.
• Maintain responsibility for one's own emotional wellness and state of serenity in relationships.

Tuesday, September 27 – 7:30 pm to 9:30 pm
Manhattan Theater Club
311 West 43rd Street at Eighth Avenue, 8th Floor
New York, NY 10036
Subway to Times Square or Port Authority

Admission: $10 at the door (includes membership bracelet)
$8 for Open Love NY members with 2011 member bracelet

NY Gets Same-Sex Freedom to Marry

Congrats to all the newlyweds in New York!

Let's keep progressing to FULL marriage equality so that an adult will be free to marry any consenting adults.

The Loving Thing

Edward Wyckoff Williams considers New York’s granting of the freedom to marry to (some) same-sex couples, tying it back to moment of US history in which another freedom to marry was granted.

It seems only fitting to reference a quote from Mildred Loving, the iconic plaintiff in the 1967 U.S. Supreme Court case of Loving v. Virginia, which made race-based marriage restrictions unconstitutional. Loving, a black woman who fought for the legal validation of her marriage to a white man, stated poignantly that marriage equality for gay couples is "what Loving, and loving, are all about."

Even though New York's marriage law was a legislative, not judicial, decision, the framework that the Supreme Court established to abolish laws written to deny blacks and whites the freedom to intermarry now serves as a moral blueprint in the fight for marriage equality. The underlying question has become, how can the state infringe upon an individual's right to love whom he or she chooses?

Let’s keep moving towards full marriage equality, so that an adult can marry any consenting adults.

New York Gained Freedom to Marry, Not Marriage Equality

Congrats to (monogamous nonconsanguineous) same-sex couples in the state of New York for gaining the freedom to marry!

It is time to celebrate and thank the lawmakers who have taken this step.

However, we should not forget that some people in New York are still denied their right to marry. There's more freedom to marry in New York, but there's still not full marriage equality. Wouldn't it be great if New York led the way in the US to full marriage equality, so an adult could marry any consenting adults? Let's make it happen! Equality just for some is NOT equality. We who support full marriage equality want a man who wants to marry another man to have that freedom... even if that other man is already married, or is his uncle, brother, or father. We want loving couples like [Anonymous Daughter] and her husband and Liz and Ryan to be able to legally marry.