Zero Discrimination Day - March 1

Celebrated by UNAIDS, Zero Discrimination Day is observed to to stand against discrimination and inequality in health care, including fighting stigma regarding HIV/AIDS.

When people seek health care, they shouldn't be discriminated against because of any disease they have, or for being LGBTQ+, nonmonogamous, consanguinamorous, kinky, or anything else about their gender, sexuality, or relationships.

Reject prejudice, stigma, and unjust discrimination.

Serve those who need care.

Metamour Day - February 28

Wednesday, February 28, is Metamour Day.

It’s a day to celebrate the relationships people have with their metamours. Metamours are a partner’s other partners, or other significant others (OSOs). “Metamour” is a commonly used term in polyamory and sometimes in the wider ethical/consensual/disclosed nonmonogamy community.

Having a positive relationship with a metamour benefits everyone. Some metamours have little contact with each other. Others are best friends.

Do you have a metamour? Are you cordial? Friendly? Best of friends? If you're polyamorous and people in your life are metamours to each other through you, tell us about how that is going. Let us know by commenting below.

Here are some things to consider when meeting a metamour. 

Is It OK? (Mother and Daughter)

I’m continuing a series here of answers I posted to Quora that got attacked by censors. Most of my appeals have been granted, restoring those specific answers.

If you don’t follow me on Quora already, please do so and upvote my answers, if you’re so inclined. 

This specific answer wasn’t restored. But the question is still there, without another answer.

***** 

https://www.quora.com/Is-it-okay-to-have-sex-with-both-a-mother-and-a-daughter-at-the-same-time/answer/Keith-Pullman

Is it okay to have sex with both a mother and a daughter at the same time?

Keith Pullman

advocate for relationship rights for all consenting adults.10mo

It isn’t just okay, it can be WONDERFUL.

Of course, that’s having sex, not assaulting anyone. And NOT cheating, meaning you’re not breaking rules you have with either.

Would the LAW say it is OK? That depends. Laws vary from place to place, but in some US states, there are still unconstitutional laws criminalizing any sexual affection between a daughter and her mother. But they can both be sexual with YOU, even at the same time.

*****

NOTE: These specific answers in this series were "deleted" at Quora after being there for a while and being well-received. They were probably hidden from view because some bigot targeted me, as evidenced by the fact that many were deleted in rapid fire.

I have previously appealed such deletions successfully. However, whether or not my deleted answers are restored, I’ll be adding them to this blog. You’ll see for yourself there’s no reason to delete these answers. Someone asked a question. I gave a sincere and careful answer.

If you want to contact me privately, I can be reached on the Wire messaging service at fullmarriageequality or via email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com

more 

Is Polyamory Just Another Word For Swinging or an Open Relationship?

NO.

These three terms are not synonymous.

All three ARE forms of ethical nonmonogamy or consensual nonmonogamy or disclosed nonmonogamy.


Swinging can involve unattached individuals, but usually involves established couples (or even triads, quads, etc.) in group encounters with others, in which the focus is on casual sex. Sure, the people involved can be friends, even close and longtime friends, they might even love each other, but what's going on is that people get together at sex parties.

Open relationships, including open marriages, are relationships in which there is an existing, established bond, but those in the relationship have agreed that they are open to new partners, whether they are short term or long term partners.

There is also swapping, in which people in a relationship trade partners with people in another relationship, mostly for sex. This is usually done with just two or three couples, as opposed to at a party.

Polyamory means having a romantic, dating, courting, nesting, or spousal relationship with more than one person, with the agreement of all. It takes on many, many forms. It could be a triad who live as spouses to each other. It could involve a married couple who also have girlfriends/boyfriends they see individually or together. It could be four people who are dating each other on an ongoing basis. There are countless forms of polyamory. Some people are polyamorous as an orientation.

Some polyamorous relationships are open. Some are closed. Some polyamorous people engage in swapping and/or swinging, some don't.

Many people who are in open relationships or who swing or swap don't consider themselves polyamorous, especially if they're only looking for casual sex when they get with people outside of their relationships.

There are people in open relationships who are not swingers and do not engage in swapping. There are people who will do swapping but don't consider themselves swingers. There are swingers who do not identify their relationship as open, especially if the only time and place they will get sexual with others is at a swingers club/party.

So, the terms mean different things. And there are other forms of ethical nonmonogamy.


"Yeah, but aren't these all just different words for cheating?"

NO!

Cheating is breaking the rules.

Ethical or consensual nonmonogamy means that the people involved have agreements ("rules") that allow for what they are doing.

To be sure, there are people who are involved in these forms of ethical/consensual nonmonogamy who are sometimes involved in cheating, but that is because they broke the rules.

It is up to the people involved in a relationship what the terms of their relationship will be, and if and when those terms will change. As people go through life, their desires and needs can change and they might revisit the terms to modify them.

We need to ensure that adults, regardless of gender, can share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage (and any of those things without the others) with any and all consenting adults, without fear of prosecution, bullying, or discrimination. There is no good reason our laws shouldn't protect these rights, and institutions and service providers need to except and account for the fact that some people are nonmonogamous, and not assume everyone is monogamous or wants monogamy, and certainly not try to force people to be monogamous.

Consulting An Attorney If You Can't Legally Marry

If we had relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality, so many of the troubles facing so many people would go away.

But we don't have that yet.

So people in certain relationships face discrimination ranging from employment and housing discrimination, to denial of the freedom to marry, to imprisonment.

In the US, the people who help you with matters of law are called lawyers or attorneys. Other terms might be used in other countries.

In the US, you still can't be legally married to more than one person at the same time, and you can't be married to someone who is "too closely" related to you. (How close is "too close" varies by state.)

If you are in such a relationship, you can still have certain things similar to being legally married, such as:

• shared financial accounts and investments
• shared purchases, ownerships, and sales
• sharing a residence
• beneficiary or reciprocal beneficiary status
• hospital visitation
• being able to make decisions for one another should one of you become unable to communicate or dementia, memory loss, or mental illness necessitates someone else make decisions on your behalf

Without being legally married and without having paperwork that says otherwise, partners are not treated as next of kin or survivors; a biological or legal relative, even if estranged, indifferent or hostile will usually be considered next of kin, be able to make medical decisions, exclude partners from hospital visits, and claim ownership of the person's estate when they pass.

It might be worth it for you and your partner(s) to consult a family law and/or estate planning attorney. A good attorney can come up with the paperwork that will allow you to be responsible for each other, before and above anyone else.

DO NOT tell the attorney, no matter how kind and trustworthy, you’re lovers. They don’t need to know that and it can only cause problems. Rather, explain what it is you want, which might involve joint ownership or control of something financial, “power of attorney,” "medical power of attorney," reciprocal beneficiaries, and whatever else. Explain you want to be able to make decisions for each other and visit each other, before/above anyone else. You want to be considered primary next of kin to each other, you want custody of your minor children to go to each other in the event one of you passes - if that's what you want.

Over the years, some partners have used adoption, with one partner legally adopting their adult partner(s).

What options work best for you and your partner(s) can be determined if you hire a good lawyer. Lawyers aren't cheap, but depending on what you want, their help can be worth it.

Keep in mind that in situations in which genetic relatives were raised apart, they are often not considered family for things like inheritance, but are still treated like family when it comes to prosecuting them for being together. That is just one example of why they might need the help of an attorney and yet shouldn't tell the attorney if they are lovers.

Asked and Answered

I’m continuing a series here of answers I posted to Quora that got attacked by censors. Most of my appeals have been granted, restoring those specific answers.

If you don’t follow me on Quora already, please do so and upvote my answers, if you’re so inclined.

*****

https://www.quora.com/Has-anybody-had-sex-with-both-mom-and-daughter-at-same-time/answer/Keith-Pullman

Has anybody had sex with both mom and daughter at same time?

Keith Pullman

advocate for relationship rights for all consenting adults.3y

I have had sex with a mom and daughter at the same time. The mother didn’t raise the daughter, who found her after becoming an adult. They experienced reunion Genetic Sexual Attraction for each other. They had plenty of sex with each other without me, but lucky me, they started to include me sometimes. There’s a lot more to this but I’m sticking to what directly answers the question.

*****

NOTE: These specific answers in this series were "deleted" at Quora after being there for a while and being well-received. They were probably hidden from view because some bigot targeted me, as evidenced by the fact that many were deleted in rapid fire.

I have previously appealed such deletions successfully. However, whether or not my deleted answers are restored, I’ll be adding them to this blog. You’ll see for yourself there’s no reason to delete these answers. Someone asked a question. I gave a sincere and careful answer.

If you want to contact me privately, I can be reached on the Wire messaging service at fullmarriageequality or via email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com

When Someone You Love Wants To Love You More

You may have come to this blog because you think or know someone in your family or closely related to you is attracted to you, or has a crush on you, or wants to get romantic or sexual with you. You may have had a mix of reactions to this, whether you've been shocked, surprised, confused, amused, bemused, worried, flattered, aroused, creeped out, repulsed, nervous, or some combination of these. So what do you do when a relative has a crush or very strong attraction to you?


These Feelings Are Normal and More Common Than You Think

These feelings are not so rare. There’s not necessarily any reason to get them to a mental health professional because they have these feelings. They are especially common when you were not raised by one another or with each other, but even if you were raised together or by one another, it's not unheard of.


These Feelings Aren't Wrong

Their feelings are their own. It is OK for them to have their feelings, and they certainly aren't alone in having such feelings.

And your feelings are your own.


Their feelings do not require you to act one way or another, but doing nothing at all is probably the worst way to react.

If you're feeling the same as they are, or want to seriously consider adding this bond to your relationship, you might be better off going to this entry here.

But if you're somewhat unsure, ambivalent, wavering, or all the way over to the side of being fairly certain you want no part of such a situation, the rest of his entry is for you.


Initial Reaction

Unless you've been hoping for this moment, you should probably take some time to think it over, even if your initial internal reaction was "No!" If you've already reacted negatively to them, there's still a chance to smooth things over.


Are You Sure It is How They Feel?


As we like to say around here, thinking and knowing are two different things.

It’s pretty clear how they feel if they explicitly say that they want to get it on, or they made an unmistakable physical pass at you, or you’ve overheard them masturbating and saying your name, or you’ve discovered that they keep images of you that are sexy or explicit or are very suggestive, or the history/files on their smart phone, tablet, or computer reveals they’ve been thinking about how to get with you.

If you've got a vagina and you find that your underwear (especially used) keeps getting moved or disappears and reappears in their room, that’s a pretty strong signal on their part; there is only doubt if they are the same size as you, in which case there is a small chance they wanted to wear it (washed). If you find that your underwear/lingerie or toys keep getting moved or used, that’s a strong indicator. It is also something I advise against people doing, just FYI.

If they've left this very essay for you to find, then it should be clear.

If you have such clarity, You can skip down to the next section.

But if it hasn’t been that clear, there's a chance they're not making a play or inviting you to. They may not even want to act even if they do have feelings for you in that way.

If you only think they might be interested, it could be a misunderstanding or maybe you are misreading them (or even projecting your own latent feelings).

Flirting or behaviors that would look like flirting to the average observer ignorant of your relation might be an indication, but those things aren't definitive if not explicit or blunt.

Maybe you've found out that they like (or even create) porn or erotica with incestuous themes. This does not necessarily mean they are attracted to you and want to have sex with you and are hoping to have sex with you. It's a very popular genre. Some people enjoy such material or even have a fetish for it without actually wanting to be with their own family members. Porn is usually very different from reality, after all. On the other hand, it can be a sign of interest.

Hints, clues, or signs likely to indicate they're interested:

• They look for reasons to be around you, especially alone, without an apparent agenda. 
• They suggest or arrange for you two to do things that romantic couples might do, even if it they try to make it seem like an accident (such as getting the two of you in a hotel room with just one bed). 
• They have increased physical contact with you. 
• You catch them staring at you or giving you lingering looks. 
• They’ve started or increased discussions about sex with you, especially consanguineous sex and relationships, and especially if it involves “joking” about consanguinamory or something happening between the two of you. 
• They express jealousy or envy towards your (potential) dates or lovers. 
• The people they date or find most attractive have similarities to you in appearance, age, mannerisms, etc. They may even (try to) date your friends. 
• They’ve “accidentally,” or have had excuses to, come in to where you are changing clothes or showering/bathing or have tried to call you in when they are changing clothes or showering/bathing when it hasn’t been typical for you to be in those circumstances together. 
• They are dressing up more impressively than usual or in more revealing clothing around you for no apparent reason.
• They’ve started to invite you to tell them how they look or if something they’re wearing is appropriate. 
• They mention having a sexual dream that included you. Even if they play it off as funny or strange, they could be trying to see how you react.
  

None of these by themselves mean it is certain they are sexually attracted to you, but the more that you recognize them doing, the more likely they are.

If you're still unsure and you don't want to come right out and ask them because it could be embarrassing, you can give them a chance to speak plainly about their feelings for you by talking about the subject in general. If you talk about it in a way that indicates to them that it is safe for them to talk with you about it and they can tell you anything, then they’ll reveal if they do feel that way for you. Some ways of doing this would be to say that you had a dream that included them, or that you’d consider it flattering if someone in the family thought you were attractive. You can say things like, "Is there anything on your mind you're not telling me? You can tell me anything, and I mean anything." Or something like, "You know, I've been thinking about how rare it can be for people to find a very strong, special connection to each other, and it is shame that some people think there is anything wrong with consenting adults loving each other in any way they want." There are many things you could say that will give them the confidence to be vulnerable with you.


You're Positive They Want to Jump Your Bones

No matter what your feelings are, you need to make it clear what boundaries, if any, you need to be in place.

Again, if you think you want to go for it, whether you’ve been hoping they feel that way or you’re curious or want to explore or experiment, go ahead and see this.

If you need limits on what is going to happen, when, where, etc., then you need to discuss that with them, as you should for any romantic or sexual relationship you’d have with anyone. Maybe your limits include cuddling, maybe kissing, maybe simply being naked around each other, maybe masturbating in front of each other, or touching each other or various forms of sexual contact. Maybe you want to move more slowly than you have with others (although many people in these situations end up moving faster than they have with others, and often regret that they didn’t get together sooner.)

If you think there is no way you'd want to get any more physically affectionate or romantic than you already do with them, do you know why? Consider if you’re internalizing a senseless prejudice against something that could be very enjoyable for both or all of you and bring you closer together. It might be a good idea to tell the other person you need some time to think about things. Sometimes, people who are initially shocked or have a negative reaction, after thinking it over, realize they have a mutual interest. The thought that they want you might have caught you off-guard or shocked you. Take some time of think about it. This is someone who loves you and knows you. It had to take some courage on their part to be vulnerable with you if they volunteered to you how they feel.

While there is no good reason to have laws or taboos against such relationships, you may have a reason to not have such a relationship, at least with this person. After all, each person needs to decide for themselves that they’re going to do and with whom when it comes to physical contact and romantic activities.

If you're not going to further or continue sexual or romantic affection, it would be best to let them down easy, and you probably want to let them down easy, unless they’ve been coercive in their approach. Who likes to be rejected?

Some things you might want to say, depending on the situation:

• You’re flattered 
• You love them
• You’re not upset with them 
• You just can’t go there because your feelings for them, while loving and pleasant, are entirely non-romantic and/or non-sexual 
• You’re not open to a romantic or sexual relationship anyone right now (or anymore) 
• You’re committed to someone else/others and do not want to jeopardize that 
• You just can’t take the possible risks
  

Even if you already reacted in a way that wasn’t exactly letting them down easy, you can go back to them and tell them that you’re flattered, you’re sorry you reacted that way, but you were caught off guard, then tell them one or more of the statements above.

If you take the route of not “going there,” be sure to be mindful of what you’re doing around them because you do not want to tease them or give them false hope. It is tough enough for them to deal with the rejection; don’t add to the difficulty.

Also, they may be consanguinamorous as their orientation, and even if they aren't they might pursue a consanguinamorous relationship with someone else. Here's how to be an ally.

If you'd like to contact me to discuss these matters further, you can write me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com

(Disclaimer: This entry assumes you live, or would move to, someplace where affection would not be a criminal matter.)


How To Pull Off Living With Your Consanguineous Lover

Valentine’s Day

Valentine's Day is almost here again. Many people will be getting married. Married people will be celebrating their anniversaries, or simply having a night out or a special night in, as will other people hoping to get married someday, or maybe just enjoying being together in public.

If you are in such a situation, good for you and enjoy it.

Whether you are or not, take a moment to think about all of the people who can’t marry the person or person(s) they love, or can’t so much as hold hands in public without being accosted. Think about the people, consenting adults, who have to completely hide their relationships because they could be sent to prison for simply having sex in private. Think about the people who have to hide who they are because, where they live, they could be killed for being who they are. Think about the people who can’t accept gifts from their their lover(s) at work, or even a loving comment in social media, because it would out them and get them fired.

This is what goes on because some people are being denied their rights to share sex, love, kink, residence, and marriage. The US has had the limited monogamous same-gender freedom to marry nationwide, which was a great step forward, for years now, and it hasn't hurt anything. Let’s keep evolving!

In most of the world, a man can’t marry both of the women he loves, despite both women being in favor of such a marriage.

The people in most of these interviews can't have legally recognized marriages anywhere in the world, with perhaps one or two exceptions, and we need full marriage equality before people like Linda, Melissa, and Matthew can tie the knot.

So enjoy Valentine's Day if you are able, but think for a moment about the people who will only be able to fully enjoy theirs when we have full marriage equality so that an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, is free to share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, persecution, or discrimination. Help make it happen sooner rather than later.

Do you have special plans? Or, if you're reading this after Valentine's Day, do you have anything special to report? If so, comment below. Remember, you can comment anonymously. Or, if you prefer, contact Keith by emailing fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or on the Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality.

Approaching Mom

I’m continuing a series here of answers I posted to Quora that got attacked by censors. Most of my appeals have been granted, restoring those specific answers.

If you don’t follow me on Quora already, please do so and upvote my answers, if you’re so inclined. 

*****

https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-steps-to-seduce-a-mom/answer/Keith-Pullman

What is the best way to coax a mom to have sex?

Keith Pullman

I have interviewed hundreds of people about their families. 1y

I’m assuming this question is about YOUR mom.

The best way is to be respectful and attentive to her needs and desires. That excludes spying on her when she expects privacy, taking her things without her permission, sticking your genitals in her face uninvited.

Each situation is different. We don’t know her. You do. You know your history with her, and your personalities.

How is her stress level these days? If she’s stressed out, or tired out, she’s not going to be feeling very sexual, most likely. So make her life easier. Take care of chores and errands she needs done.

Seducing her is going to be much the same as seducing another woman her age. The big differences are that you already know and love each other, which is an advantage, and that she may have internalized societal prejudices against doing this, which would be a disadvantage. Please note that seducing someone isn’t about making them do something they don’t want to do. That’s a big no-no. It’s about letting them feel your interest, and inspiring in them the excitement of getting sexual, and maybe romantic.

As with anyone else, all along the process, you need to pay close attention to what she says, how she says it, her body language, etc. If she doesn't want to do something, you need to back off and respect that.

If you do these things in the right way, the worst that happens is she thinks she has done something wrong to cause these feelings in you, and you can assure her she hasn’t done anything wrong. Or she might think you need therapy. But that’s the worst case scenario.

On the other hand, she might already very much want something, but has been waiting for you to make a move (for various reasons, including you being the child, you being the male if you are, or others). Or, she might not realize she wants it until she’s given herself permission to think about it. Either way, she might hold back and want you to make a move. Or, somewhere along the process, she might make a move because she’s received enough signals or hints from you.

You're probably going to need a combination of both talk and action.

On the talk front, get her to talk with you about sex and relationships. The more she talks with you about sex, the better! Encourage her to talk as much as you can. Listen closely to what she says and how she says it. If you can get her to talk about what turns her on, great, especially if it includes people of your age and gender. Likewise, you can indicate that you are attracted to some people of her age, gender, body and personality type, etc. (you might even want to describe her in way she’d recognize).

As you have these conversations, you can bring up the topic of sexual limits and taboos, including "forbidden" relationships. For example, cousins. You might even ask her if she has ever been attracted to someone or fantasized about someone who she “wasn’t supposed” to think about that way. You can then bring up sexual relationships between mothers and sons. If her reaction isn't negative, that's a great sign. If you need a "reason" to bring up such topics, you can say the topic came up in a dream you had, or an article, story, television show, or movie you saw, or even that someone you know brought it up.

Throughout all of this, you haven't actually said that YOU want to have sex with HER. She might have figured it out, but since it hasn't been said, she can still cool things down if she’s not interested, with minimal embarrassment, and you can still deny, if she has a negative reaction, that you wanted to have sex with her.

As far as action, you want to increase the emotional and physical affection between the two of you.

Give her compliments. Flirt with her. Joke with her. Use terms of endearment, as appropriate ("Hey, Love...", "Honey", “Beautiful,” “My Dear”). Compliments should indicate that you recognize what she has to offer as a romantic or sexual partner, but not be so crude as to turn her off. Flirting can include smiles, winks, lingering looks (especially up and down her body), gentle and light touches on her arm, etc.

Give her more, longer, and tighter hugs, from both the front and behind. You might want to let your hands move as far as she’ll allow. Give her more, longer, and more suggestive kisses. Look for excuses to be close to her and touch her, even if just in passing, like a touch on the back, or the back of the neck, or the behind, depending. Offer backscratches, neck rubs, shoulder rubs, leg rubs, massages, or anything else that will get your hands on her.

You need to get her alone, relaxed, and feeling affectionate playful, and sexy. So, date her. Dates can be at home. It is setting up what will be an enjoyable time for her so that the two of you can spend quality time together, alone. Making or buying her favorite dinner, and/or having finger foods she likes that you can feed each other, and some wine (as long as neither of you is a problem drinker) can be great, along with cuddling up for a movie, or playing a game of cards (strip poker - if she doesn't like that idea you can claim it was a joke).

Speaking of stripping, be aware of what you are (and aren't) wearing around her, with showing off your best features and/or allowing easy access in mind. You might even consider going "naturist" or nudist at home. But in general, women don’t react the same way to nudity as men do to female nudity. And never think that just “whipping it out” or sending her a picture of it will get you anywhere positive. Remember, you need to treat her with respect. Going nude, even just starting in your room with the door open, and no longer hiding your masturbation is about creating an atmosphere of freedom. It might inspire her to do likewise.

Be prepared to appeal to her heart, libido, and intellect. Be prepared to answer whatever concerns to she might have, including assuring her you can keep private things private, that there's nothing wrong with sharing affection if you both want it, and that many other people are doing it. Again, if she resists or indicates she’s not willing, back off! There’s a chance she just needs to think about it for a bit longer, or there’s a chance it won’t go any further, and you have to respect that. Going slowly might help. For example, telling her “Let’s just try kissing, and if you don’t like that, we can stop.”

After the first time together, residue of sex-negative programming might bother her. Reassure her with anything from a smile, to hand-holding, to an embrace, to talking (including thanking her and telling her how much you enjoyed what you’ve just experienced together), to a shower together, to another round of lovemaking. You want to let her know you wanted this and enjoyed it and that there’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

Keep in mind that, depending on her age, it would be a good idea to have lube available, and her body might not be able to lubricate enough on its own.

This is generalized. Adjust and adapt as best for you and your relationship with her and life situation.

*****

NOTE: These specific answers in this series were "deleted" at Quora after being there for a while and being well-received. They were probably hidden from view because some bigot targeted me, as evidenced by the fact that many were deleted in rapid fire.

I have previously appealed such deletions successfully. However, whether or not my deleted answers are restored, I’ll be adding them to this blog. You’ll see for yourself there’s no reason to delete these answers. Someone asked a question. I gave a sincere and careful answer.

If you want to contact me privately, I can be reached on the Wire messaging service at fullmarriageequality or via email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com