Does Swapping or Swinging Ruin Marriage?

If a marriage is already doomed, involving other people will not save it. If it is troubled, involving other people can help it depending on what the troubles are. Involving other people in it by cheating can definitely ruin it. But ethical nonmonogamy is not cheating. If a marriage is solid and stable, ethical nonmonogamy has the possibility to make it even better. It isn't for everyone, or all relationships, but is for some.

Swinging and swapping, which both forms of ethical nonmonogamy, are not the same thing. Swinging generally means that people in an established relationship get together at parties or events with multiple other couples, triads, etc. and individuals for the specific purpose of having sex, usually sex that is no-strings-attached. That sex may include many different people. Swapping usually means a couple gets together with another couple or two and they switch partners. It could be a one-time thing or an ongoing thing or something between that, and it could happen in the same room or isolated from each other.

A great answer to the question raised in the title of this entry was provided on Quora by Franklin Veaux...

Studies conducted of people in the swing community generally show that swingers have higher than baseline levels of marital happiness. 

Swingers: Mentally Healthier Than Monogamous Peers…when it comes to attitudes about sex and marriage they [swingers] are less racist, less sexist, and less heterosexist than the general population. Swinging appears to make the vast majority of swingers' marriages happier, and swingers rate the happiness of their marriages and life satisfaction generally as higher than the non-swinging population. Implications of the study and its limitations are also included. 

The Case of Swingers. EJHS 2000New Study Shows Swingers are More Likely to Stay MarriedStudy: Investigation of Consensually Nonmonogamous Relationships: Theories, Methods, and New Directions

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is October 31 and it is celebrated widely and diversely here in the US.

Do you have any special plans for Halloween? Have you done or will you do anything fun or interesting this year at a Halloween party or event?

Whatever you do, please be careful and stay safe!

Here in the states, the stores depend on Halloween to sell a lot of merchandise. In typical years, there are parties, costume contests, what amounts to theatre in front of (and inside, sometimes) the homes of people as they try to scare or entertain neighbors and strangers with things ranging from silly to sexy, spooky to gory. In some places, kids (and often parents) in costumes go from door to door collecting candy or other treats.

Many amusement parks, ranging from small to the largest, do special entertainment in the weeks leading up to Halloween, and this is a favorite time of the year for movie studios to release horror movies, and for broadcasters to show ones from years past.

For some, there are religious or spiritual aspects to the day, and it might be called by other names.

Some interesting things can happen when people are having fun at costume parties, or cuddled up together watching scary movies. Maybe you'll be home with family or other loved ones, watching something good or playing some fun games?

So, as always, feel free to comment or share your plans or stories, including from years past. You can comment anonymously below.

Stop Dragon Your Hate Around

Television series "House of the Dragon" (a "Game of Thrones" prequel) put the topic on "incest" back into discussions. The magazine Cosmopolitan tweeted this, and then deleted their tweet, because there is so much ignorance and bigotry on Twitter. [For those who don't see it, the tweet showed two characters who are about to kiss or just have, and said "Now That 'House of Dragon' Is Over, I'll Say It: Incest Fantasies are Hot"]

TW/CW!!!

How many times does it need to be said?

Consensual incest (consanguinamory) and abuse are two very different things.

It is terrible that anybody was abused by a close relative. But abuse by a close relative doesn't make CONSENSUAL affection between close relatives wrong any more than rape by a stranger makes sex with a blind date wrong.

From the article at Cosmopolitan.com...

There’s nothing morally okay about inter-family sex, no matter how hot the actors and how palpable the chemistry.

On the contrary, there is nothing wrong with it. Consenting adults should be free to chose their lovers.

And yet, week after week since August 21, fans have rooted—nay, thirsted—for Daemon and Rhaenyra Targaryen on House of the Dragon, and I, dear reader, am one of them.

Yes, it is one of those situations. "I'm turned on by the idea but I think real people who actually love each other should be denied their rights and stigmatized!"

When they finally had sex (as consenting adults), fans ate it up.

Good. But don't turn around the throw real people under the bus.

So even though IRL, incest is wrong (“Children resulting from an incestual relationship can sometimes suffer from congenital anomalies when blending familial genetics,” says Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples therapist in Los Angeles. “This is one of the primary reasons that incest is a taboo to begin with.”

Ah, Discredited Argument 18.

This, apart from the fact that when it does happen, it is often a result of sexual abuse.)

That is literally the same sort of crap bigots say about people being gay. Most people who were abused in the past still CHOOSE their CONSENSUAL lovers later.

Kinky fantasies are also at play here. It’s okay to be turned on by something (be it in porn, on your favorite Netflix show, or in your own private mental playground) that you’d never actually do IRL. That’s why they’re called fantasies. Everyone has them, and shows like House of the Dragon give people an outlet for safe exploration.

It's pretty safe to sexually experiment with someone who already knows and loves you, too.

Many people fantasize about consanguineous sex.

Many people want to engage in consanguineous sex.

Many people have engaged in consanguineous sex.

None of that is wrong in and of itself.

There are people everywhere who are in ongoing, loving, romantic relationships with one more more close relatives. You might even know and admire some without knowing of their relation. Stop separating people out to be the targets of prejudice and other forms of hate. Let's defend the rights of ALL to their sexuality and relationships.

We Support Our Ace and Intersex Friends and Neighbors

We have a couple of important observances to note this week.

Asexual Awareness Week is THIS WEEK, October 23 through October 29. It's an international campaign to educate about asexual, aromantic, demisexual and grey-sexual identities and experiences. You are welcome here! Nobody should be discriminated against or be denied their rights for having these identities.

Intersex Awareness Day is Wednesday, October 26. Intersex people should not be discriminated against or denied their rights, nor forced into narrow gender roles imposed by someone else. You are welcome here!

Humans are diverse. We have diversity in our bodies, in our identities, in our attractions, and in our relationships.

Kindness and respect go a long way. Let people be who they are. Bullying, harassment, and discrimination spread hate. Spread love instead.  Let's support each other and stand up for the rights of all.

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #10

“Polyamory/polygamy spreads sexually transmitted infections.” Unprotected sex with someone who is infected is how such infections may be transmitted. Twenty people could have group sex and a group marriage for fifty years and if none of them brings an infection into the marriage and they only have sex with each other, none of them will get a sexually transmitted infection.

We do not deny people their freedom to marry based on which diseases they have. In most places, people can legally have sex with multiple partners anyway. Polyfidelity can be encouraged if polygamy is legalized and polyamory is no longer stigmatized, which would actually reduce disease transmission. Polyamorous people tend to be more careful about prevention, safer sex, and actually talking about the issues involved.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #9 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #11

Frequently Asked Question: Is This Incest?

One frequently asked question is whether dating this person would be incest, or if doing this activity with a close relative is incest. The question is posed in different ways…

Is this incest?
Is it incest to date my in-law?
Is it incest to date my adopted sister?
Is it incest to date my adopted brother?
Is it incest to date my stepbrother?
Is it incest to date my stepsister?
Is it incest to date my uncle?
Is it incest to date my aunt?
Is it incest to date my cousin?
Is it incest to kiss my brother?
Is it incest to kiss my sister?
It it incest if my sibling and I have masturbated in front of each other?

The subtext is usually, “Is it wrong?”

First of all, regardless of laws, I see nothing wrong with any kind of physical affection, contact, or companionship between any consenting adults or minors who are close in age, as long as existing vows to others are not being violated. This includes dating, literally sleeping together, seeing each other nude, hand-holding, hugging, kissing (of any sort,) contact with genitals, intercourse, living together, marrying, etc. If these people are right for each other and want this with each other, then it shouldn’t be anyone else’s place to object.

As I always point out, I’m writing about consensual experimentation, exploration, affection, making out, sex, love, dating, partnering, living together, and marriage. I’m not talking about assault, molestation, abuse, or coercion. If someone forces themselves on you, that is wrong regardless of their relation to you.

What is incest? That depends on who you ask. The definition I once found at Wikipedia was…

"If You Have Sex With An Adopted Or Illegitimate Sibling..."

There was a question I answered a while back on Quora. The question was "If you have sex with an adopted or illegitimate sibling, is that incest?"

Since an "adopted sibling" could mean, among other things, 1) a biological sibling who was adopted by other parents; 2) a non-biological sibling adopted by your parents, I addressed both of those situations in my answer.

There are three definitions for consensual incest: 1) biological, 2) social/cultural, and 3) legal.

Someone who is adopted into your family is, in most places, legally and socially considered your family, and so while it wouldn't be incest biologically, it would be considered as such socially and legally where there are anti-consanguinamory laws and those laws include adopted relations, as laws vary from place to place. These laws are so ridiculous they would apply even if the sibling was adopted into your family as you were both middle-aged adults. In fact, you could marry someone and your parents could adopt that person and make your marriage incestuous. That's how stupid those laws are.

But the laws get even more ridiculous, where they exist. Let's say by "adopted sibling" you mean your sibling that your parents had before you, gave up for adoption, and never told you about. You meet that person completely unaware you had an older sibling, fall in love, marry, even have healthy kids together. (This has happened, by the way.) Then it is discovered they are your genetic/biological sibling. Even though they weren't legally or socially your sibling, they were biologically, and now those stupid laws criminalize your marriage and love. You're actually expected, by the law, to stop having sex with each other.

"Illegitimacy" is a concept that has largely been abolished as far as the law is concerned, at least is the US, where I live. It is also considered an offensive term by many. It means someone was born outside of a legally recognized marriage. In the past, it meant the child might not have a claim to their father's estate, for example. As far as anti-consanguinamory laws go, if your "illegitimate" sibling is your biological sibling, it would still be considered incest in all three ways.

An adult SHOULD be free to have sex with any and all consenting adults. Laws against that are unjust. What someone else wants to call it shouldn't matter.

If people are siblings by birth...

If people are siblings by adoption...

If they are stepsiblings because their parents married...

If they are genetic siblings but raised apart...

If they aren't related by law or genetics but grew up together...

...and they mutually consent to sex with each other, that shouldn't be something to be negatively labeled, shamed, discriminated against, or criminalized.

Siblings have been having sex for as long as there have been siblings, anywhere there have been siblings, regardless of class. There are siblings doing it right now, not far from wherever you are. Some have done it for recreation, some have done it to learn, some have done it for passion, some have done it for love, some have have it because they are living as spouses, some have done it for other reasons. It is their right and they shouldn't have to hide. There is no good reason to deny them their rights.

Spirit Day 2022 - Thursday, October 20

Thursday, October 20 is Spirit Day. Among varying activities, people wear purple in support of LGBTQ+ youth, against bullying.

Nobody should be bullied, harassed, or discriminated against because of their gender, sexuality, or relationship diversities or those of their family members or friends.

Are you observing Spirit Day? Leave a comment below telling us about it.

Defend people against prejudice, bullying, harassment, and discrimination.

How You Can Help

Reminder: Why We Use the Term Consanguinamory

TW/CW

Coming Out Day 2022

Life can be tough for someone whose identity and orientation doesn’t fit in to a little heterosexual, monogamous, "traditional"-gender-role box or whose relationship doesn’t meet the local sex police’s approved standards. Sometimes, a person or the people in a relationship want to come out of the closet. Sometimes they need to come out. For some of these people, it is a little less difficult if they do so as part of a communal event, such as National Coming Out Day.

National Coming Out Day is today, Tuesday, October 11. Here’s the official website, at least for the US. There is much helpful information there, regardless of where you live.

The more people that come out, the more the others around them will realize they do know and appreciate people who are LGBTQ+, or polyamorous, or consanguinamorous, and that such people and relationships deserve equality. So coming out helps progress.

On the other hand, it is understandable that any given person, couple, triad, or quad decides to stay in the closet for now. There’s still so much hate, so much prejudice and persecution, and even unjust laws that hinder the life and love of people who are good citizens and just want to be themselves. I support the decision of anyone who believes they need to be reserved for now for the sake of their safety and family.

The decision to come out is yours. Do you want to come out, and to whom? Your friends? Your family? Your coworkers? Your classmates? Your neighbors? Your crush? The whole world?

Also, if someone comes out to you, the decision to be an ally is yours. If your classmate, coworker, neighbor, friend, parent, child, or sibling comes to you and says they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, polysexual, pansexual, transgender, polyamorous, consanguinamorous or in a consanguinamorous relationship, what will you do? Will you choose love and acceptance?

Even if you are heterosexual, monogamous, and nonconsanguinamorous, you may want to come out as an ally for full marriage equality. That alone can take courage, but it helps.

If you are planning to come out, or you do come out, please feel free to share your experience here by commenting. You can do so anonymously. You are also welcome to contact Keith if you want someone to talk with.

Lesbians Day 2022

Saturday, October 8 is International Lesbians Day.

Today and every day, it is good to remember that, like anyone else, lesbians should be free to share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting partners. 

Lesbians should be free to live their lives, without fear of harassment, bullying, criminalization, or discrimination.

Thank you to all of our lesbian friends and allies!

One Perspective of Having Polyamorous Parents

A headline at refinery29.com caught my eye. Dylan Blair Bass had "My Parents Were Sex-Positive & Polyamorous Before It Was Cool."

I was in third grade when I first heard my parents having sex. We’d just moved, and my room was on the other side of the small house. I had trouble sleeping, so sometimes I’d lay down in the living room on our tiny couch at night, eventually nodding off only to be awoken a short while later by animalistic sounds coming from my parents’ bedroom. I don’t know how I knew what the sounds were, but my reaction was one of disgust, fascination, and a little bit of shame.

Sex is natural and there is no reason for parents to hide that they have sex. They should make it clear that affection, meaning consensual touch and interaction, is nothing for anyone to be ashamed of. Parents should also show their children how they can safely avoid having to hear noises they don't want to continue to hear.

Polyamory Exists and Must Be Recognized

Good news from New York.

From Greg Owen at lgbtqnation.com...

The decision came in the case of West 49th St., LLC v. O’Neill, decided by New York Civil Court Judge Karen May Bacdayan, concluded that polyamorous relationships are entitled to the same sort of legal protection given to two-person relationships.

Thank you, Honorable Judge Bacdayan!

The case revolves around three individuals. Scott Anderson and Markyus O’Neill lived together in a New York City apartment. Anderson held the lease, but was married to another man, Robert Romano, who lived at another address. After Anderson died, the building’s owner contended O’Neill had no right to renew the lease since he was just a “roommate” of Anderson’s and not “a non-traditional family member.”

The court concluded that there needed to be a hearing about whether Anderson, Romano and O’Neill were in a polyamorous relationship.

Let people have the relationships and form the families to which they mutually agree.

The judge cited legislation enacted since the advent of federally recognized same sex unions. “In February 2020, the Utah legislature passed a so-called Bigamy Bill, decriminalizing the offense by downgrading it from a felony to a misdemeanor. In June [2020], Somerville, Massachusetts, passed an ordinance allowing groups of three or more people who ‘consider themselves to be a family’ to be recognized as domestic partners. The neighboring town of Cambridge followed suit, passing a broader ordinance recognizing multi-partner relationships. The law has proceeded even more rapidly in recognizing that it is possible for a child to have more than two legal parents.”

Progress. Hopefully we progress much faster.

“Why then,” posited the judge, “except for the very real possibility of implicit majoritarian animus, is the limitation of two persons inserted into the definition of a family-like relationship for the purposes of receiving the same protections from eviction accorded to legally formalized or blood relationships? Is ‘two’ a ‘code word’ for monogamy? Why does a person have to be committed to one other person in only certain prescribed ways in order to enjoy stability in housing after the departure of a loved one?”

There's no good reason to deny the validity of polyamorous relationships, nor to discriminate against them.

Our courts, legislatures, service providers, workplaces, and so many others must embrace relationship rights and full marriage equality for all. Let people have the relationships and form the families to which they mutually agree. Stop trying to force a narrow heteromonogamous paradigm onto everyone.

Let's keep making progress!