Why Am I Polyamorous?

There are diverse reasons as to why someone is polyamorous. This is apparent from the basic fact that there are many ways to be polyamorous, and that some people recognize they are polyamorous as part of who they are; it's not based on what they do, whereas others consider it something they do, not necessarily part of their identity.

When someone asks me why I am polyamorous, I could talk about it for hours. But I'm going to keep it short here.

I have a polyamorous orientation. (No, not all men are polyamorous.)

I realized I can care for more than one lover at a time. Whether it’s flirting, going out on dates, long intimate conversations, physical affection, celebrating special occasions, being there when someone is suffering and needing company or help, or otherwise spending time together, limiting all of that to one person feels extremely confining to me.

In addition, I don’t need someone I'm seeing or with to only get those things from me. In fact, I am fortunate enough to experience compersion, so I tend to like it when someone I'm seeing or with also has good experiences and bonds with someone else.

That’s the most basic way I can explain it.

I support your right to have the relationships to which you and your lovers mutually agree, and I hope you support mine.

Celebrating Progress, Looking Forward

Ten years ago, the US Supreme Court issued their decision recognizing a nationwide right to marry.

It was a great moment and we especially congratulate everyone celebrating their ten year wedding anniversary!

Many other countries have also made progress.

We are still moving forward to the goal of full marriage equality, so that an adult will be free to marry any and all consenting adults. Letting consenting adults have the relationships to which they mutually agree, including marriage, is supported by the US Constitution and basic human rights.

Thank you to all who have contributed to advancing these rights!

The Invisible Asterisk

Sometimes, when someone writes (or says) that they support the freedom to marry or, marriage equality, or #Marriage4All, #LoveMustWin,  or “love is love” or something like “The sex lives of consenting adults is nobody else’s business.,” there is an invisible asterisk. You know, one of these: *

What might really be going on is this…

“Consenting adults should be free to marry each other.”*

*Unless you mean something I don’t like or think is disgusting, like polygamy, open marriage, or consensual adult incest.



I don’t do that. There is no asterisk in this statement…

I support the rights of an adult to share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults, without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

There is no asterisk after “adult.” An “adult” includes any person, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion.

“Any and all” means “any and all”. If an adult woman can vote, be Secretary of State (or Prime Minister, which we don't have in the US), serve as a Governor, be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, sign contracts, enlist in the military, operate heavy machinery, be sentenced to life in prison or the death penalty (which we do have in many places in the US), and can consent to group sex with three cage fighters she just met, it seems to me an adult woman should also be free to have sex with and/or marry any consenting adult(s), even if that means another woman, or two women, or two men, or a woman and a man, or a married man (not hidden from his existing spouse), or her sister, whether an adopted sister, stepsister, half sister, or full blood sister. All of this goes for men, too, of course.

This basic right means all adults having the same right to not marry at all, and to divorce, and to be free of domestic violence. The basic freedom of association should mean that adults can share the entirety of love, sex, residence, and marriaqe, or any of those without the others, and any civil union or domestic partnership that is offered. That’s a funny thing called… equality. There is no good reason to deny equality. Now is the time to get it done.
So, do you support full marriage equality, or marriage “equality”*?

We Support Love and Affection

1. Are they capable of consenting to this?

2. Do they consent to this?

That's all that matters when it comes to lovers. Someone else's disgust or prejudices shouldn't matter.

If they have mutually agreed to make love, have sex, explore, experiment, or play, nobody else should try to stop them. If someone hasn't agreed, they should be free to opt out.

We support consent. We support love and affection. Do you?

Juneteenth

June 19 is a holiday in the US. It’s still new as an official holiday, so it’s still not officially observed everywhere it should be.

It’s a celebration of African American freedom.

Freedom is still a work in progress.

For example, African Americans who are LGBTQ+, nonmonogamous, and/or consanguinamorous are still denied basic rights.

Let’s keep evolving so that everyone will have their rights, including the freedom to marry and the freedom to be together how they mutually agree, including sharing love, sex, kink, residence, partnership, and more.

Adults Having Their Basic Rights Isn’t Child Abuse

When someone advocates for all adults to have the right to be with any and all consenting adults, or specifically for the rights of polyamorous or consanguineous adult lovers, someone who hasn't bothered to think it through or is being deliberately dishonest might respond with “So, you’re advocating for the abuse of children?”

If this is your response to someone advocating the rights of all CONSENTING ADULTS to be together, something is wrong with your reading comprehension. Adults are not children. Consenting means voluntary, not an abuse situation. Consenting adults being together has nothing to do with abusing children.

Trying, but failing, to avoid looking like ignorant bigots, they might try something like “Yeah but, if we allow polyamorous, polygamous, or plural marriages, or we allow incestuous relationships or marriages, doesn't that make it more likely children will be abused by normalizing it? Isn't the next step moving on to children?”

This is an attempt at guilt by false association. It is something LGBTQ+ people have been dealing with forever. “If you allow gay people to be together, it will make it easier to molest children!” It simply doesn’t follow. It’s a lie that most LGBTQ+ people want to abuse children, and it is likewise a lie that people who are ethically nonmonogamous or consanguinamorous want to abuse children. Child abusers are going to try to abuse children. Children will be more likely to be abused and to keep quiet about it the more taboo we keep sex in general.

There are places where consanguinamorous relationships between adults are not criminalized, including a couple of US states. This has not caused an increase in child abuse in these places.

When it comes to ethical nonmonogamy, citing a few isolated villages or compounds where women don’t have equal rights and children are treated as property as proof it leads to child abuse is dishonest. Children are abused by professing monogamists every day, while most parents involved in ethical, disclosed, or consensual nonmonogamy are great parents who are not abusing children in any way.

Keeping unjust discrimination in place is wasting resources vitally needed to prevent and stop actual abuse. It makes it less likely victims and witnesses of abuse will cooperate with authorities if their own relationships are criminalized. Every bit of time and money wasted on trying to stop consenting adults from being together how they mutually agree is time and money that isn’t being spent to help people who are actually being abused.

There is no good reason to deny consenting adults their rights to be together how they mutually agree.

The Point

An adult,

regardless of gender, orientation, race, or religion

should be free to share

love, sex, kink, residence, relationships, and marriage

with any and all consenting adults,

without fear of prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Love Must Win

Love Will Win

No Time For Bigots

I’ve adopted a personal policy and I recommend it for anyone who supports rights for all.

I don’t have time for bigots.

Bigots will never stop the hate.

Time is wasted on them.

I save my time for helping lovers and those who want to be, helping allies, helping legitimate journalists, academics, and media producers, and the genuinely questioning, curious, confused, and uncertain. Is someone you know involved in consanguinamory and/or nonmonogamy, or some other relationship you don’t understand, and you’re not sure what to think, say, or do? Those are the people who will get my time.

In private communications, I’ll at least block bigots; maybe more.

If they leave a comment on this blog, I might analyze it in a post. If it’s devoid of any worthiness of response, it may simply get deleted. I’ll still analyze and counter bigotry I see in media. 

If they interact publicly on social media, I’ll only keep interacting if I think anyone, such as someone else observing, could benefit. Otherwise they’ll be ignored, muted, blocked; maybe reported, depending.

These ways might also be applied when someone in one community rejects solidarity with others. Throwing others under the bus isn’t acceptable. We must seek rights for all.

There is no good reason to deny people their basic rights to their identity, orientation, and the relationships to which they mutually agree, including full marriage equality.

The bigots will continue to shrink in numbers. Those who refuse to let go of bigotry will, more and more, find themselves keeping their prejudices to themselves, and eventually they will die out. More and more people will support rights for all.

Father’s Day

Sunday, June 15 is Father's Day.

For all men raising or helping (or who have helped) to raise a child, whether you are a biological father, presumed father, grandfather, stepfather, bonus father, adoptive father, foster father or any variation… we wish you a Happy Father’s Day!

A special thanks to fathers who have supported and loved their children who are LGBTQ+, polyamorous, consanguinamorous, or have otherwise faced persecution or oppression because of who they are or the person(s) they love. And you fathers who ARE LGBTQ+, polyamorous, or consanguinamorous, we see you, too.

We offer a note of encouragement to all fathers who can’t legally marry the person(s) they love, but would if they could, or who face bullying due to love or who they are: We will win so that every adult can pursue love, sex, and marriage with any consenting adults.

If you have a good father in your life, are you planning anything special for Father's Day?

Some considerations if you have, or are considering, a more physical relationship with your father...

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #13

“This will cause inheritance disputes.” This can’t be a reason for the continued denial of the polyamorous or polygamous freedom to marry. Again, if we're talking about children, not all polyamorous marriages will have children. But even with today’s restriction of monogamy-only for marriage, we see inheritance disputes all of the time. Widows and widowers who were married only once get in fights with their own children, who may fight with each other. Then, in some cases, there are children born outside of that marriage. There’s divorce and remarriage with or without stepchildren or making more children, there are people who were never married who have kids, there are childless people whose inheritances are disputed, "monogamous" and polyamorous people who had children with multiple people without having been married to any those partners, on and on it goes. If anything, legalizing polygamy would make it easier to sort out inheritance. There can be default rules in the law, and people can come up with their own documented, legal agreements.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #12 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #14

Bigotry & Repression Hurt But Support & Solidarity Help

There is so much hatred, exclusion, prejudice, discrimination, bullying, repression, oppression, and bigotry in this world.

But there is also love, inclusion, affection, kindness, support, freedom, growth, cooperation, and solidarity.

Your identity, your orientation, your relationship style is for you to discover and explore, often with the help of kindly lovers, mentors, teachers, friends, and family.

Who you are, who you love, and how you love shouldn’t be forced upon you. Indeed, it can’t be. Rather, hostile forces only stifle, repress, cover up, traumatize. They don’t truly change who you are.

If you prefer to be alone most of the time, that’s OK.

If you prefer to have one partner, that’s OK.

If you prefer to have multiple partners, that’s OK.

This shouldn’t be up to naysayers. The naysayers can decide for themselves. They shouldn’t decide for you. They shouldn’t get a say in who your partners are and how you share love, sex, play, and life.

What matters is that the partners have consented to be together, and to do what they’re doing.

Laws that attempt to deny this are unjust and destructive.

Media offerings that perpetuate harmful misconceptions are irresponsible.

Services, such as forums, comments sections, blogging platforms, and social media, which deny participants the freedom to discuss these things and advocate for equal rights of all are part of the problem rather than the solution. Naysayers who attempt to spread their bigotry hurt people.

This blog is here to help.

You are supported here.

We are in solidarity, and welcome solidarity.

Let’s keep evolving towards relationship rights and full marriage equality for all.

Love must win.

Pride Month Is Here!

June is Pride Month. 

Like so many other observances, it has become commercialized in a lot of ways. As far as I'm concerned, I'd rather corporations call positive attention to it rather than how things were in the old days, when LGBTQ+ people were invisible or portrayed as predators, more so than today.

We should also keep in mind that there are LGBTQ+ people who are monogamous, and also those who are polyamorous or otherwise involved in consensual, ethical, or disclosed nonmonogamy. There are also LGBTQ+ people who are consangunamorous or have consanguineous relationships. All these people should have their rights.

Let's celebrate gender, sexuality, and relationship diversities. May allies join in, and may there be solidarity for all!

Let's make it a great month!

Are you going to any events?