Wednesday, August 3, 2011

On the Down-Low?

julianna wrote at Yahoo Answers about issues she’s having with her boyfriend...
Last night I was having a really emotional conversation with my boyfriend. He admitted to several things including his lying about giving up pot/alcohol even though he led me to believe he'd stopped using. He also told me he'd almost slept with a girl (as in cheating on me) but couldnt go through with it. Very upset, I asked him if there was anything (anything) else that I should know and that I wouldn't be mad whatever it was.

This blog isn’t about pot or alcohol consumption. But let’s say this woman was a vegan and it was really important to her for her partner to be a vegan. (This blog is also not about nutrition or animal rights, but work with me here.) If he admits he’s not vegan, doesn’t it stop right there? And she expects monogamy, and he has a little trouble with that. Why the need for more questioning? Of course I believe in her right to stay in this relationship if she wants to. But I don’t think she should.

At this point he said that what he was going to tell me makes him "crazy" and a "psycho." basically he said he had been attracted to members of his family lately (I assume he means his two sisters or mother but probably sisters) and that when he was drunk awhile ago he called one of his sisters and asked for sex (but they never did anything.) I am okay with this mostly because nothing happened although I do worry that something might happen.

The issue here isn’t his relation to these women. Again, it is that there is an expectation of monogamy and monogamy does not suit him, at least not when he’s drinking, which he does.

The weird thing is, that scenario is strangely hot to's a fantasy of mine--a brother and his sister being together.

It happens. It also isn’t uncommon for someone to find that hot.

I just need to ask the advice of anyone out there on how to talk to him about it and if I'm doing the right thing by staying in a relationship with him. I know it's bad that he lied so I would appreciate it if that wasn't mentioned; I'm mainly wondering about the incest part.

Unfortunately, the question was too vague. What did she mean by “talk to him about it?” Does she want to find out if something went on in the past? Does she want to have some sort of polyamorous relationship where he can be with one of his sisters as long as she (the asker) is involved? Or does she just want to tell him she finds the idea of brother-sister sex arousing?

She later added…

I honestly didn't think it was that bad that he was attracted to them as long as he didn't actually sleep with any of them.

But that doesn’t definitively clarify the matter. Is the problem the cheating?

Alexandria Troy had the best answer, according to the asker…

While biology apparently prevents humans from wanting to mate with the close relatives they live with (a form of reverse sexual imprinting known as the Westermarck effect), there can certainly be exceptions to it.

Mating is one thing. Not all sex is done with the intention of forming a lasting or reproductive relationship.

Regardless, there really isn't a "norm" to fantasies--the way you're thinking is probably not as strange as you may assume. Your boyfriend would make a phenomenal case study. In fact, I personally don't think you should dump him, unless you want to experience being single for a while. If I were you, I would view this as an opportunity to explore human sexuality and the way the mind functions.

If she wants to see such consanguinamory, here’s a chance. But she shouldn’t encourage it if she has conflicting priorities that are more important to her, such as mutual monogamy.

One of the big problems with the continued criminalization of consanguinamory and the judging of consanguinamorous people is that some of them hide or deny their attractions, and then other people get dragged into it who want no part of the situation. It is possible her boyfriend is trying to suppress his attraction to his sister by getting high or drunk. Maybe he really wants to be with her instead. That’s not fair to anyone, especially not the woman asking the question, if she expects to be his primary and only. He could be already on the down-low with his sister, but didn’t tell his girlfriend the whole truth because he wanted to test her reaction.
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