Kissing Cousins in Canada

The Canadian “Miss Lonelyhearts” column addressed a relationship between first cousins. Crazy About Him, Winnipeg wrote…

I'm ashamed and yet excited. I have feelings for a cousin of mine. I mean he's my first cousin -- my father's sister's son. I was not brought up with him -- I'm from Toronto (and) I moved here recently, so meeting him at 26 has been a shock. I find him absolutely perfect in every way and I know he's attracted to me.

That’s not anything to be ashamed about. It would be a shame to let the hang-ups of outsiders interfere.

I looked it up and I know it's legal to marry your first cousin here, but that doesn't mean people won't frown on it. I'd like to know what your readers think about this before I test it out on friends.

Why? Some readers think kissing before your wedding ceremony is wrong. Some think being attracted to people of the same gender is the worst thing ever.

Is it creepy or not?

Since I don’t know either one of these people, I can’t say whether it is creepy. But if it is, it isn’t because they are first cousins. There’s nothing creepy about that.

I care what you have to say but I really want to know how people would react to meeting two cousins who were dating.

I would say the same thing I would say to any adults happily dating: “Good for you and good luck. Oh, and if anyone gives you trouble, I will stand by your side.” Why try to interfere in the happiness of others? If someone wouldn’t date their own cousin, they don’t have to, but why tell others what to do? If Crazy About Him wants him, Crazy About Him should go get him.

The columnist is accepting responses from readers.

Leave Bobbi Kristina and Nicholas Gordon Alone

As if she hasn’t been through enough, Whitney Houston’s daughter Bobbi Kristina Brown now has to endure articles like this one, in which a “leading family therapist” tells her who to love and how. Only, she didn’t ask Dr. Phil Dembo for his opinion. The headline reads “Bobbi Kristina Brown Dating Her Adopted Brother Has ‘Incestuous Nature’ – Expert.” Gossip websites like hollywoodlife.com can find “experts” to say anything.

HollywoodLife.com exclusively broke the shocking news that Whitney Houston‘s daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown, was lip kissing her “adopted” 22-year-old brother, Nicholas Gordon in Georgia March 9, which led to a revelation that the pair are deeply involved in a romantic relationship and have been for several months.

What is shocking about two people who have been around each other falling in love?

However, family therapist Dr. Phil Dembo tells us this dynamic between the two — who have grown up in the same house for the past 10 years — is not acceptable, even if it is understandable.

What exactly is wrong with it? Notice, we don’t get an answer…

Whitney welcomed Nick into her home when he was a pre-teen and raised him as her own son, even though she never officially adopted him. Bobbi Kristina and Nick became so close, they even referred to each other as “brother” and “sister.”

You mean like some people in the same religious groups? Or close friends?

No real reason if given as to what the problem is with this relationship. There are many people out there in the same boat, having fallen in love with someone who was almost a member of the family before romance blossomed. But anti-consanguinamory prejudice even poisons people against relationships where there is no biological or prior legal relation. Where exactly was the boundary crossed? What if Houston took him in only five years ago? Four years ago? Would it be OK then?

Let the young lovers have each other. Haven’t they been through enough without outsiders trying to deny them comfort, happiness, and love? All that matters is how they treat each other and feel about each other.

Mother-Daughter Dance Duo

A couple of months back, lingerie ads featuring a mother and daughter got much attention.

More recently, a mother-daughter striptease act hit the news. Meredith Carroll's babble.com piece asks, "Biggest Turn-Off Ever?"

I don't know Carroll, but many people attracted to women (such as heterosexual men) fantasize about having sex with a mother and daughter, and some of those fantasies involve it happening as a threesome. As with any fantasies, some people do not share it or are turned off by the thought.

I’ve never quite understood the twin fantasy that some men harbor, and others (Hugh Hefner, anyone?) actually live. I mean, is it really a turn-on to think of sisters getting it on? 

 For some, yes.

Incest is a bad thing, not a sexy thing, right? At least that’s what I’ve always thought.

Why? Why would any consensual sex be a bad thing? She references the lingerie ads.

Along those same lines, when I read about a mother-and-daughter striptease show (via Café Mom), I wondered why. Why? Why? Why? Why? And who. As in, who, exactly, would pay money to go see a mom and daughter strip next to each other?

And yet. There’s a mother-daughter duo in Australia who star in a striptease show together. And apparently they have an audience.

Why is this so surprising? Why is it better if two women who were strangers before working together dance together?

Sasha Brown-Worsham had the cafemom.com piece Carroll mentioned. She starts off by bashing pole dancing in general.

Mia Robinson and daughter Kiki Vidis are a mother-and-daughter striptease show. Can you say ew?

Okay, so far two women don't like it. So what?

I try to be open minded about all things sexual and I certainly want to raise both of my children in such a way, too. But I draw the line at ever dancing nude on stage with them. What would that tell an impressionable young woman in her early 20s?

That dancing is an honest way to make a living? That her body isn't something of which to be ashamed?

Is that really a career path I would want to see my daughter pursue?

There are many honest jobs people might not want their children to have. It doesn't mean something is wrong with the job, or having a parent work alongside their grown child in that job.

And here is the stuff.com.nz article by Emma Goodwin.

Normally, Ms Robinson works in administration and said that while some friends may have fallen by the wayside she has made a lot more since she started working in the erotica business.

"I'm a normal person, nine to five, Monday to Friday and then, occasionally, I do a show with my daughter and it's a little different, I guess."

It is her choice.

Several responses to the article were positive, including men saying yes, this was a turn-on.

An adult, regardless of gender, should be free to perform with any other adult. Not everyone is going to like it; those who don't like it don't have to watch it. We have got to stop telling women who they can't work with and what they can't do with their own bodies.

GSA Couple Back in the News

GSA couple Danielle Heaney and Nick Cameron have been in the news again, but I'm not sure the new coverage, out of Nigeria, has new information. The sensational headline read, "Incest! How Brother And Sister Fell In Love And Had Sex!"

The article begins by talking about what a lovely and loving couple they are.

What makes this scene so disturbing, however, is the fact that Danielle and Nick are half brother and sister.

That is only "disturbing" to prejudices that should be done away with.

“The only way to explain it is to say that the day I met Nick, I felt I had finally met my soul-mate. Everything clicked. I would marry him if I could.”

They should have the freedom to marry.

Nick says...

“All I know is that for the first time in my life, I feel I belong. I should feel ashamed of it, but I don’t.”

It is ridiculous that they are denied not on the freedom to marry, but to love each other in all senses of the word.

“Legally we can still kiss, still hold hands, still carry on together, we just can’t have intercourse.”

Short of installing a CCTV camera in their home to ensure no law is broken again, we shall just have to take their word for it.

That's one reason it is ridiculous to criminalize sex between consenting adults.

According to research, first published in the British Medical Journal in 1995, by Dr Maurice Greenberg and Professor Roland Littlewood, 50 per cent of people seeking post-adoption counselling “experienced strong sexual feelings in reunions” with their real family.

A real family is the one that raised you with love. A better term is bio or genetic family.

“People may be disgusted by what we have done. People may say we are morally wrong and should have stayed away from each other, but we don’t want to. I can’t imagine life without Nick now.”

An adult should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any consenting adults, without prosecution, persecution, or discrimination.

Consanguinamory in Uganda

I’m sure it happens every day, but did it happen in this case? James Kakooza, a former health care state minister in Uganda, was in court recently as he and a woman, Enid Tuhirirwe, claiming to be his wife were in dispute over a divorce. She is claiming adultery and cruelty. From allafrica.com…

Her side…

Tuhirirwe and Kakooza entered a customary marriage in June 2008 in traditional Kinyankole ceremony in which they were given a lot of property as gifts that she wants court to split equally between them.

As far as the adultery…

She claims her problems with Kakooza started when she demanded to know the father of a baby that one of Kakooza's own daughters had given birth to in 2009. She told court that suspicions of incest were obvious when Kakooza and his 21 year old daughter concealed the identity of the father from her and the next thing was seeing them sharing the same bed.

As you know, I support the right of Kakooza and his adult daughter to be together, if that is what they want. I do not think cheating is a good idea, though.

He says…

In his defence, the former minster denies entering a customary marriage with Tuhirirwe and claims she is related to him as a friend and not as a wife.

He says he will ask Tuhirirwe to pay damages for the allegations.

Interesting stuff.

It's a Good Ol' Fashioned Book Burning

There's been much buzz over the last couple of weeks about Paypal and Smashwords dropping some erotica over content concerns, and I've been meaning to blog about it. Fortunately, Robin Elizabeth Sampson has provided a good explanation and some good links.

Many of these writers publish through various Indie Ebook sellers such as Smashwords, Bookstrand, and All Romance Ebooks (that goes to the page where one should be able to find the anthology my first published piece of erotica is in, but alas, you have to sign in to erotica). These publishers have been pressured by Paypal (and don’t forget credit card companies) to remove certain erotic works or lose their account.

 Nice, huh?

No matter what your opinion on “icky” writing might be, and I know mine is convoluted and confused due to my history, it’s hard not to worry about where this latest round of censorship might lead, if folks don’t speak up.

 It's scary.

Many of these “banned” works are written by women for women. And it’s pretty obvious that women’s sexuality is scaring the s--- out of folks.

You have to wonder about people who act as though women don't or shouldn't like to think about or read about sex. Sounds like they are doing it wrong.

The erotica & erotic romance community is understandably up-in-arms. They’re banding together – and have a formed The Banned Writers, “coalition of writers, readers, publishers, and editors who have come together to fight against the economic censorship of erotic fiction by non-governmental organizations and entities who believe they have the power and the right to determine what adult men and women should be allowed to read.”

 She provides links to much more coverage and reaction.

Just to be clear, those businesses all support literary depictions of serial killing, mass murder, genocide, and the like. You can think the fiction is disgusting and still understand that not everyone wants to read the same things, and that's okay. Free expression is good.

Using Expected Questions to Gently Come Out

More and more people are becoming familiar with polyamory and understanding that it is a good thing, not something to fear. omapäinen tyttö has a blog called Willful Girl. In the first posting, from this past January, she writes…

I'm a recently 28 year old lady from the Chicago area. I'm in an open marriage and involved in the BDSM scene (as a switch). I identify as "queer." I value honesty… I'm mostly happy with where I am, although I still struggle quite a bit with how I got here and how I appreciate this happiness based on previous unhappiness.

In a recent entry, “Polyandry,” she writes…

All that being said, I've started telling people at work when I spend time with "my other boyfriends." (For any of them that are actually reading this, yes, I know that's a bit more committed than we actually are. Don't worry. I'm not pushing for that terminology. It just happens to be a term I've found that makes straight people's forehead's wrinkle less than things like "f--- buddy" or "friends with benefits" or "guy I occasionally date/have sex with." And since I am also a fan of brevity, I go with what words are already there.)

For example, if I'm sending texts with one of said other boyfriends and somebody asks me what I'm smiling about, I'll say, "oh, just one of my other boyfriends saying something funny." It's a momentary pause where they try to figure out whether I'm being serious or facetious (it's honestly a fine line sometimes with me, I can be quite the smart-ass), but then usually there are no follow-up questions, no awkward "but you're also married! That can't be possible" type discussions. Just, "oh, you have other boyfriends" and then move on.

There’s always a risk in coming out that someone will respond with bigotry, whether with insults, rumors, rejection, even physical attacks. Family may disinherit you. Neighbors may shun you. Coworkers and employers may get you fired or ostracized. Sometimes there’s just no avoiding that. Other times, how coming out is handled can make a difference. When we gently help people to drop their prejudices, rather than taking an approach that causes them to cling tightly to their position as a knee-jerk response, they can benefit even more than we do. Being bigoted is not a good way to live.

And Now a Word From Your Blogger

Thanks for your continued visits, comments, and support (no, I don’t accept financial support and this is not a plea for any). You are helping to advance relationship rights, gender equality, and full marriage equality. Thank you!

There's been so much I've wanted to blog lately that I haven't due to life keeping me busy. I need to do some desk clearing, so you may see an increase in short entries that are little more than links to something I thought you might want to check out for yourself. As you know, I like to offer commentary, but if the choice is pointing you to something worthwhile or noteworthy without my commentary, or not posting the info at all, I think the shorter entry is better.

I’m always looking for help around here. If you want to send me something you’ve written to publish here, perhaps anonymously, or even join in as an official contributor, I’d like to hear from you: fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com

If you’ve created graphics that fit with a theme or topic of this blog, I welcome those contributions as well.

If you want to be interviewed about your “forbidden” consensual adult relationship (see here)… I like interviewing people.

Do you link to me? Let me know so that I can link back.

If you’re not doing so already, consider following and sharing this blog (see the column on the right.)

Finally… always feel free to comment or ask questions.

Thanks!

An Ally For Consanguinamory Writes Again

Tauriq Moosa has done it again, referencing the recent Dear Prudence edition that addressed consanguinamory. Read Moosa's latest here.

Nothing indicates immorality in their actions. Or least nothing immoral by a reasonable standard of that term. Sure, perhaps we can say it is "wrong" that they might upset their family and so on, but that's hardly a basis for moral action. Simply being gay, discarding monotheism and marrying a person of a different race upsets plenty of families, too, but these are not immoral actions in themselves.

What troubles me, concerning this gentleman and his twin, is that there are possible legal ramifications for their relationship.

This is a same-gender relationship that is still denied marriage equality in places like Canada, the US, and other places where some same-gender marriages are legal.

Rather, we should be appalled at the fact that these two consenting, monogamous and loving individuals need to check laws in order to not be prosecuted. That this still occurs is terrible, but confirms yet again that individual liberty requires constant engagement, from all sides. We overcame this backward thinking, this idea that consensual adult love requires state permission, with miscegenation and we've almost done it for homosexuality. There's no reason I can see for not bringing consensual incest into this bracket of sexual relations that require defence, too.

Thank you!

Another Inadequate News Blurb

Out of New York comes a news item titled "Owego Incest Arrest."

Here's the entirely of the blurb...

A Tioga County man has been charged with incest.

The Owego Police Department arrested 62 year-old Ralph Anderson. He was arraigned in Candor Court and sent to jail on $5,000 cash bail.

Once again, the authorities and the news reporters need not identify a crime victim in order to clarify what is men by "incest." Are we talking about assault of another adult? Assault of a minor? Molestation? If so, why not charge him with those charges? If he did those things, he should be locked up for a long time.

If we are talking about consensual sex, then this prosecution is unjust and an abuse of power.

Either way, more information should be provided, so we can know who is the possibly abusive monster... Anderson or the authorities?

Stupid Laws Do Not Make Anything Wrong Except the Law

One of the reasons those who argue against the congsanguineous freedom to marry (or even have sex) or the polygamous freedom to marry use for denying such freedoms is that polygamous marriage is illegal and consanguinamory (consensual incest) is illegal. This argument is circular and jurisdictional.

Interracial marriage used to be illegal in some places. It was the laws that were wrong, not interracial marriage. The same goes for same-gender marriages.

Some forms of polygamous marriage are legal in some places in the world, and consanguinamory is legal in many countries and a few US states. First-cousin weddings are performed with legal recognition in some US states, but not in others. Does that make them right or wrong, by the reasoning used by anti-equality forces? Being gay is illegal in some places in the world. It doesn't make being gay wrong.

That something is currently illegal is not a good reason to keep it that way, nor does it make the thing wrong. It can mean (and in these cases does mean) that the law is wrong.

An adult should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with ANY consenting adults, without prosecution, persecution, or discrimination.

People should ask themselves why consensual sex and marriage is illegal at all.

Common arguments against consanguinamory include potential genetic problems to biological children, but it is a flawed argument that, even if it was valid, would only apply to some consanguinamorous relationships, not any one in which there isn't both a functioning female reproductive system and a functioning male reproductive system involved, or in which the lovers have decided not to have biological children together.

Another common argument against consanguinamory is a a confusing of familial roles. But what about people who are not, in the sociological sense, family, because they were not raise together or one by another?

Common arguments against polygamy include divided parental attention and resources. But not all people who marry have children together. What if they don't want children? And people don't need to get married to have children. It is legal and common today for one person to have children with more than one partner; they just aren't allowed to all be married at the same time. How does that make sense? And what of monogamous marriages like that of the Duggars ("19 Kids and Counting")? It is legal for them to keep having children together even though there are only two of them. How is that better than, say, two fathers and two mothers who have the same number of kids together as the Duggars, or fewer? The children of such a group marriage have four parents, instead of just two.

Yes, there are laws that deny full marriage equality, and those laws are what's wrong, not marriage equality. There are real people who are being hurt right now by such laws. Those laws belong on the scrap heap of history. We're going to have equality. The questions are: 1. when and 2. will you be on the loving, winning side, or the losing side that tries to stand in the way of happiness?

Here Comes the Wall

The writing was on the wall when a new website dealing with Genetic Sexual Attraction popped up and activity plummeted at Barbara Gonyo’s GeneticSexualAttraction.com forum. Gonyo is the godmother of the GSA community and her website was the go-to site for people looking to anonymously ask for help or find community, and for researchers. It didn’t help that several important voices who have experienced GSA recently pulled out of participating on Gonyo’s website; as far as I know, they haven’t contributed at SOAR.

Now comes this announcement at Gonyo’s site. At first it sounds good…

This site has accomplished so much and now with all the new technology, it will grow even more. This forum is almost ten years old, and it's time to expand! On average the forum get's 15 to 20 thousand visitors a month. The format that is currently being used can only allow 20 people to be on at one time. It is not enough for the amount of people coming at one time seeking support.

Sounds like the announcement is about more people being able to participate, right?

In addition, this forum enables anyone to post, and though it's beneficial for those needing immediate support, it also lacks the security necessary to minimize trolls, perverts and unwanted advertisement to derail the original goal of the GSA forum.

Okay...

For these reasons and more I have decided to close down the existing GSA forum and support a NEW forum that will minimize the issues the current one has. The process of converting to the new forum will happen in phases.

And here it comes...

Because of the cost and time necessary to provide a safe, quality forum- the new forum will be accessed fully when members pay a small yearly tuition. Casual browsers on the Internet will not be able to access or view the posts, and certainly not have the opportunity to comment. The cost to subscribe to the new forum will be $30.00 a year. This is a reduced rate especially for those who are making the transfer from the old site to the new one. On May 1st, 2012, the price will go up to $40.00 a year.

There already is an associated private group on Facebook for discussion away from "trolls, perverts and unwanted advertisement." I fear a paywall for the GSA forum is the death knell.

Yes, such a subscription will help weed out trouble. BUT… how many people want a financial charge in their records associated with Genetic Sexual Attraction??? Aside from the cost, there are many reasons someone wouldn’t, including the fact that acting on GSA is still (stupidly) illegal in many places, and even more widely stigmatized.

Another reason is that some people experiencing GSA have existing vows to others that precludes sexual activity and some other forms of socializing with additional people. If someone is struggling and looking for helpful information, they’re not going to want their partners(s) stumbling across financial transactions associated with GSA before they themselves can get somewhat of a handle on the situation and how to bring it up to their partner(s).

Be warned…

The existing forum will also be locked on May, 1, 2012. This means that after May 1st no one will be able to post or respond to posts. The work to archive the old forum will begin as to not lose the valuable information.

Another, ongoing issue….

My purpose and goal in the GSA forum originally was to help people and prevent them from entering into a sexual relationship with their new found relatives. It has always been my belief that the sexual part of GSA can eventually kill the relationship and cause much damage to families.

There are some in the GSA community who agree with this. However, there are other people in happy, lasting GSA relationships that include lovemaking. One size does not fit all, and people need to know this IS a viable option, and in some cases, the best option, and have access to people who can help with advice who are not going to impose their personal sexual morals on others. Both sides have been present, with tension, on Gonyo’s forums, though the nature of the forum has lent itself more to the sex-negative side.

I’m afraid the pending changes will further ostracize the people in ongoing consanguinamorous relationships and hinder people looking for help; that the communication will be less free (opinion-wise) and the diversity will be diminished.

I understand that while there are free prefab forum services out there, running a quality forum can be expensive, and that there are only so many options to deal with that. I understand that it is the right of the owner or any forum (especially one that has been presented for free to the user) to close it down or change the terms and conditions of use. That understanding, however, does not diminish my disappointment.

If you want to talk with someone, you can write me a fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com or find me on Facebook. I might be able to put you touch with people who can give you helpful advice if I don’t have the right advice myself.

There are some other places for people interested in discussing Genetic Sexual Attraction. As always, use at your own risk (list is after the jump)…