Friday, February 17, 2012

Consanguinamorous Twins Get Advice From Dear Prudence

Dear Prudence got a letter from, Tired of This Greek Tragicomedy, someone in a consanguinamorous relationship. This is what the lover wrote...

My fraternal twin and I (both men) are in our late 30s. We were always extremely close and shared a bedroom growing up. When we were 12 we gradually started experimenting sexually with each other. After a couple of years, we realized we had fallen in love. Of course we felt guilty and ashamed, and we didn't dare tell anyone what we were doing. We hoped it was "just a phase" that we’d grow out of, but we wound up sleeping together until we left for college.
Sometimes, siblings experiment, and then move on. Sometimes, it instead becomes the start of a lifelong spousal relationship. It is too bad that they didn't know at the time that there were other consanguinamorous siblings happily together as spouses.

We knew this could ruin our lives, so we made a pact to end it. We attended schools far apart and limited our contact to family holidays. But we never fell out of love with each other, so after graduation we moved in together and have been living very discreetly as a monogamous couple ever since.
 Nobody should try to stop them, and they should not be denied marriage equality.

Our dilemma is how to deal with our increasingly nosy family and friends. They know we’re gay, and we live in a state where same-sex marriage is legal, so we’re getting pressure to settle down. I feel we should continue being discreet for the rest of our lives and blow off their questions. It's nobody's business, and I fear they would find our relationship shocking and disgusting. My brother, though, is exhausted with this charade. He thinks that if we get the family together with a therapist to talk through the issues, they'll eventually accept it. I think he's out of his mind, but I also want to make him happy. 
That's because he really loves him.

Here is the response...

I spoke to Dan Markel, a professor at Florida State University College of Law. He said that while incest is generally illegal in most jurisdictions, the laws tend to be enforced in a way that would protect minors, prevent sexual abuse, and address imbalances of power. Those aren’t at issue in your consensual adult relationship, but Markel suggests you have a consultation with a criminal defense attorney (don't worry, the discussion would be confidential) to find out if your relationship would come under the state incest statutes. Either way, it’s better to know, and if it is illegal, as long as you remain discreet the likelihood of prosecution is remote.
 It wouldn't be illegal for them to be together in Rhode Island or New Jersey.

When  people ask when you’re each going to go out there and find a nice young man, tell them that while it may seem unorthodox, you both have realized that living together is what works for you. Say no brothers could be more devoted or compatible, and neither of you can imagine wanting to change what you have.
Good answer. "We're happy with our lives now" should be enough, though. That goes for ANYONE. Nobody should be pressured into a marriage or a relationship. The freedom to marry includes the freedom to NOT marry.

Will telling the family help anything? That is the most important question to ask. If it will not help, or the harm will outweigh the help, then it is best not to be completely open with them. Some of them probably have figured it out already anyway, and are happy with it being unspoken.

Kudos to Prudence (Emily Yoffe) for being respectful of the relationship.

The folks at admit to lacking the spirit of solidarity when it comes to this.

I have interviewed consanguinamorous brothers and others in consanguinamorous relationships.

Meanwhile, another advice columnist, Dear Abby, got a letter from a man who discovered that his late father was gay, and was closeted, at least to the letter writer and his sister. Was his mother unwittingly used as a beard? That will happen less as we move towards full marriage equality. But the third letter in the column was also of interest. MIXED UP IN WISCONSIN wrote...

I have been dating "Jared," who is the nephew of my sister's husband. Due to the family situation, this is a very weird relationship. I was widowed at 22. I am now 27, and this is the first relationship I have had since my husband died. I'm not sure what to do.

Is it wrong to date Jared? How do I introduce him to family and friends? My sister always refers to him as her nephew. That makes me feel like my relationship with him is incestuous.
No, it isn't wrong for her to date Jared. All that matters is what she and Jared need, want, and how they treat each other. It is bad enough consanguinamorous relationships are attacked, but to allow such prejudice cause trouble for people who aren't even related by blood is additional hate.This planet needs more love. Dear Abby is supportive. Go Dear Abby!
— — —

No comments:

Post a Comment

To prevent spam, comments will have to be approved, so your comment may not appear for several hours. Feedback is welcome, including disagreement. I only delete/reject/mark as spam: spam, vulgar or hateful attacks, repeated spouting of bigotry from the same person that does not add to the discussion, and the like. I will not reject comments based on disagreement, but if you don't think consenting adults should be free to love each other, then I do not consent to have you repeatedly spout hate on my blog without adding anything to the discourse.

If you want to write to me privately, then either contact me on Facebook, email me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, or tell me in your comment that you do NOT want it published. Otherwise, anything you write here is fair game to be used in a subsequent entry. If you want to be anonymous, that is fine.

IT IS OK TO TALK ABOUT SEX IN YOUR COMMENTS, BUT PLEASE CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY AS I WANT THIS BLOG TO BE AS "SAFE FOR WORK" AS POSSIBLE. If your comment includes graphic descriptions of activity involving minors, it's not going to get published.