Cautious Consanguinamory

So, someone you already love wants to love you more, and you want to love them more; you’re mutually attracted. And you’ve considered the pros and cons and have decided to go for it. You want to add sexual affection to your relationship.

But you feel a need to go slowly.

You could be nervous and very cautious because it is new, because such experiences are an unknown to you, or because you’ve internalized cultural prejudices. 

How do you move forward with care?

For Some, It Was An Event. Some people do not have this problem. They go from 0-60 in nothing, or over the course of a couple of weeks, and then they wonder why they didn’t start earlier. Some say it comes out of nowhere. The day or evening seems like any other, and then they wake up the next morning in bed, next to each other and having had the most intense sexual experience of their life. If you’ve done that and want to take a step back and take it slowly, that might not be possible, because you’ve already experienced it and there’s no reason to back up, but if you do want to back up, or you haven’t gone there yet, the rest of this entry might be helpful.


You Want It To Be A Process. If that Event above didn’t happen to you, you’re in this existing space between anticipation and inauguration. This is when you can discuss boundaries. Boundaries can and often do change, but if there is something you know would be uncomfortable for you in a way that you want to avoid, say so. Do you want to take the lead? Do you want the other person to take the lead? Just leave that open and “see what happens”? What do they want? Is this going to be a romance or a family-with-benefits arrangement, or something else? Also, as with any other relationship, you have to consider if pregnancy is a physical possibility and what to do about that. What about STIs? Is protection needed?

Breaking The Ice can be difficult. You might consider open-mouthed kissing to be that ice breaker, or maybe being nude together. Maybe it would be masturbating in front of each other, or some specific physical contact. Whatever it is, it is a level of affection and intimacy you haven’t previously shared with them. It indicates you have embarked on a new part of your relationship.

How and where you break the ice will depend on what both/all of you want and what you like. It could happen by staying in for a quiet evening at home, or going out on a date, or even by getting out of town on a vacation/holiday or trip. Whether leading up to that ice breaker or only after, you can share hugs/embraces, cuddling, hand-holding, kisses, and massages/rubs that get closer and closer to new territory. Kissing can move from the cheek to the neck and lips. How about sharing finger foods by feeding each other? Talking about sex and sexy things will make you more comfortable with each other. You can text/sext, but you shouldn’t do so without using a secure/encrypted messaging app that allows the messages to disappear, but even then it is risky if you want to ensure you're never outed.

Moving Forward in Steps allows both/each of you to reflect on your feelings. For example, if you try open-mouthed kissing and at least one of you decides things shouldn’t go further after all, then it stops there. That isn’t likely to happen, but agreeing to that option removes the pressure anyone might be feeling.

When the time comes, you’ll want to remove/eliminate distractions so that you can concentrate on each other without interruption. If nobody involved is a problem drinker, you might find a little wine to be helpful. A nice bath or time together in a hot tub is naturally relaxing. If you are still too nervous, role-playing as strangers or friends or as a fictional couple you both know about can help. If you’re still nervous about touching each other “there,” you can try using toys on each other before moving on to direct contact.

Once the ice has been broken and you both/all want to continue, especially if your relationship is going to be family-with-benefits or something similar or you have other people living with you, especially people you’re not going to be out to, you may find it helpful to have a dedicated room or space for your encounters, and/or a symbol for when one of you is wanting that affection. The symbol could be a simple as placing a specific magnet on the refrigerator or turning on a specific lamp. It could be a seemingly mundane phrase. For example, you could both be sitting in the kitchen and one of you can say, "How about them Yankees?" and that is your signal to move to the spare bedroom.

This is an exciting time, and New Relationship Energy can be especially intense within consanguinamory. It can be easy to have the rest of the world fade away. But obligations and practical considerations can’t be ignored, nor can some of the usual considerations when it comes to relationships. While consanguinamorous relationships usually involve people who care about each other more than in the average relationship, there is a slight risk of at least one person taking another for granted. Avoid that trap in any relationship. Also keep undue guilt out of your relationship. There is no reason you shouldn't be free to love each other as you mutually agree. This entry here might help you figure out how to live together going forward.