Why Do I Feel This Way?

Has anything like these ever happened to you?

• You wake from from an erotically charged dream, feeling strange or confused because it featured a close relative or family member.
  
  
• You're close to orgasm, whether you're alone or with at least one other person, and thoughts of a relative pop into your head, taking you to climax.
  
  
• You've found yourself admiring your relative "a little too much," whatever the setting or occasion.

If you have experienced anything like any of those, you're not alone. This is more common than many people think, because far more people have such thoughts than will admit to most people they know.

If we're talking about someone who recently came (back) into your life and you were essentially raised through childhood apart, then it could be reunion GSA, which is very common in such situations. See this page for more information. Most of this entry also applies to you, but is more focused on people who were always in each other's life, or for the most part have been.

Is It Normal?



Are sexual dreams with relatives or family members normal? Yes.

Is it normal to have fantasies or thoughts of getting together with a close relative or family member?  Yes.

Is it normal to think of a close relative or family member in a sexual or romantic way? Yes.

Is it normal to have feelings or crushes for a close relative or family member? Yes.


By "normal" we mean that there isn't necessarily anything wrong with you for having these thoughts and feelings and that they are very common, so much so that you know many other people who've had these thoughts and feelings, whether they've told you or not.

What Does It Mean?

You can have the above experiences without actually wanting to have sex. If the only thing you've noticed are dreams, then it might be that the dreams are only symbolic, not that you actually want to get sexual with your family member. There is also the possibility that the dreams are revealing to you latent desires, especially if you have waking feelings or thoughts and especially if the dreams, thoughts, or feelings are persistent.

In addition to any of the above sounding familiar to you, there are other possible signs you want to be with this person or these people as more than just family:

• You enjoy being around them and doing things with them. This might include evenings/weekends together at home or going out together in what might look like a date in the view of stranger, taking trips and vacations together, etc.
• You enjoy their scent, whether their hair or their cologne/perfume or any scent associated with them
• You enjoy touching them and touch them more than you touch other people; you might even look for excuses to touch them and be close to them, even to do something like tickle them
• When out on a date or with friends, you wish this/these family members were with you or you feel like you'd rather be home with them
• You're envious of their dates or partners, especially if you think you'd treat your family member(s) better or they are dating beneath their status/quality
• The people you date or find most attractive resemble or remind people of your family member(s)
• You seem to be attracted to their friends (this, like previous one, can be seen as displacement)
• You want to want to hear about their dates/love life, whether from them or their partners (dating them vicariously)

These are just some signs, not an exhaustive checklist. If you don't recognize any of them in you, you might still have an attraction but if you do recognize any of those in you, especially combined with the erotic feelings and thoughts, then you likely have a serious attraction to your family members(s). The more you identify with these statements, the more likely you've uncovering the truth that you are attracted and you do want to have sex, or at least be romantic, with them.

Accept That You Are Attracted to Them


Does that worry, bother, or confuse you? As you no doubt know, and what may be troubling you, is that some people are completely averse to the thought of their family members, or, to be more precise, anyone raised together in the same home with them, as a sexual partner. That is because they are experiencing what is called the Westermarck Effect. However, not everybody raised together experiences this, or at least not strongly enough to suppress attractions to all in/from the home. People who weren't raised together don't experience this effect. And so while a taboo exists in many places when it comes to acting on these feelings, and many people at least partially internalize such prejudices, many people do act on them anyway.

What Do You Do Now?

Should you act on it? That depends a lot on your personal situation. This might help you decide.


Whether you pursue sex or a love life with another consenting adult should be entirely between you and that person. It is possible to have a mutual sexual attraction and to discuss having sex without actually doing it. There is no good reason why people shouldn't have their rights to such relationships, but you might personally decide it is best not to pursue a sexual relationship with a certain person. Sometimes, it is better to leave a fantasy as a fantasy.

"Why Am I Feeling This Way?"

Attractions can be complicated. You've seen people who have been head over heels in love with each other and you just don't get it, yourself, haven't you? Someone might tell you that you just need to get out more and meet other people. If you're young and inexperienced, they might be right. But on the flip side, maybe the reason you don't have other love interests is because you want this this person or these people more. There are also polyamorous or otherwise ethically nonmonogamous people who do have other love interests and sex partners and still have these desires for a consanguineous connection. It could be as simple as your crush being extremely attractive in general. Some studies indicate that most people are attracted to people who look like them.


You could be attracted to this person and that person just happens to be a relative. It is also possible that you have a consanguinamorous orientation, especially if people who aren't closely related seem to generate little spark for you.

A Note To Survivors of Abuse

Abuse victims do sometimes have these thoughts, but it isn't at all true that someone is only going to have these thoughts if they were abused. Quite the opposite can be true. Someone might have these sexual thoughts because this family member is so kind and loving, so protective and nurturing in contrast to the abuser. Also, it is possible for someone who was abused by one relative to have healthy feelings for another relative, just as someone who was abused by a supposed friend can have healthy feelings for a true friend.

See Jane's  Essay on Self-Realization
See Jane's Essay on Feelings of Guilt

See Also:

Consanguinamory FAQ
Let Dad Have His Fantasies
A Message to Family and Friends

You are also welcome to contact Keith at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, on Wire at fullmarriageequality, or on Facebook to discuss these topics further.

You can find others who've had the same feelings at Kindred Spirits.