Husband Worried About Wife's Reading Material

"Just a Fantasy?" wrote to "How to Do It" (Rich Juzwiak) at slate.com...

I recently caught my wife reading stories about father-daughter incest, allegedly by women who had enjoyed this.

I wonder if any of them were on this blog?

I had gotten odd vibes regarding my wife and her father, but I figured that I didn’t really understand father-daughter relationships in general.

The problem here is that he hasn't described any actual behavior. 

Now I’m not so sure. It may have just been a fantasy for her, but there are young relatives who could be at risk if her father really is that kind of person.

He didn't describe his FIL doing anything that could be harmful to kids. All we have so far is that his wife, a grown woman, reads stories/confessions (perhaps interviews?) about women who'd been with their fathers.

If we have children ourselves, that will always be in the back of my mind—there is perhaps even the risk that my wife will be inappropriate with her offspring if she regards such relationships as positive.

First, none of those children would be a father to her. Second, there is no indication whatsoever that enjoying stories about women with their fathers correlates to child abuse. It's like saying if this letter writer ever had casual sex, he'd be OK with rape.

Frankly, this makes me never want to have children.

Well, then, if you don't want to have children and your wife does, then either you must agree to her having/raising children with someone else or it is time to end this relationship. (It's possible he never wanted children and has found what he thinks is a good excuse not to.) If she doesn't want to have children either, what then?

Is there any good way to ask my wife about this?

He said he "caught his wife reading" this material. Does she know she was "caught?" Did he snoop? There's important information that's missing. If he invaded her privacy, then he's going to own up to that and it's possible his wife won't want to stay with him on that basis.

He need to answer these questions honestly.

1. How has the marriage been?

2. Assuming this is strictly a matter of fantasy on her part and nothing more, would you still be able to be the husband she needs?

3. Does she want kids? Do you?

If this marriage hasn't been good, if he can't be the husband she needs, or if they don't agree on having children, it's done. Pack it in. Same goes for if he's going to punish her for anything she did before they became a couple. For example, if she and her father experimented in the past, and this letter writer can't handle that, he needs to set her free. (But he doesn't know that's the case yet.)

But if that's not the case and he's open to continuing this marriage, he needs to have an open and honest talk with her.
First, he need to realize that unless he caught her masturbating to this literature, her interest might not even be erotic at all. It could pure curiosity about what other people do. Even if erotic, it could be entirely voyeuristic or strictly fantasy and have nothing to do with her own life. Also, is his reaction at all due to the fact that he thinks she's turned on by something he can't actually give her? He's not her father, and his reaction can be like when a woman discovers that all of the erotic imagery her husband likes is of women with a certain look that is quite unlike hers. Some people like variety, and reading or watching things different from what's in one's own life can satisfy that.

If they've had a good marriage and she has the qualities he wants in a wife, it would be stupid for him to throw that away over her fantasies, or if she actually does desire a sexual bond with her father, or even if she and her father have been sexual in the past. He probably has some fantasies, desires, or even actual experiences she might find strange or even disgusting.

What really matters is what's going to happen next. Will they both adhere to the negotiated rules of their relationship?

So what would this open and honest talk be like?

• It needs to be in private, at a relaxed time when neither one of them is distracted, rushed, irritable, agitated, or moody. It shouldn't be in bed or any place they tend to have sex.
  
  
• Refer to her with terms of endearment. "Honey,..." Whatever you use.
  
  
• Tell her that you need to talk with her about something. Ask if this is a good time.
  
  
• Promise, and be sincere and follow through, that the talk can stay between the two of you and nobody else ever has to know what you share with each other.
  
  
• If it works for the two of you, gently take her hands into yours. Hold her hands. 
  
  
• Apologize for snooping, if you did. An apology means you admit you were wrong and you don't make excuses for it.
  
  
• Explain exactly to what you're referring: she was reading accounts of daughters with their fathers.
  
  
• Point out that you know there's a difference between what people read and fantasy, and what they might actually do in their life.
  
  
• This is when you might want to bring up things you've watched/read, fantasized about, or actually done that she might not be enthusiastic about.
  
  
• Ask her what significance this literature has to her, again assuring her she can be completely honest with you. Does the literature hold an erotic charge for her? Has she had similar experiences? Would she want to? Does this have to do with her or is this a voyeuristic thing?
  
  
• With the information she shares with you, you can then explain what your needs and boundaries are. For some people, it's OK for their partner to WANT something but not actually DO something. Others are agreeable to having their partner do something, such as being with their parent, under certain conditions. It is perfectly reasonable for these discussions and negotiations to also be about things the inquiring spouse wants to try. Some people in the position of the letter writer, if they determine that it would be arousing for their partner, are willing to role-play based on what the literature was about.

From the response in the column...

Fantasies, by their nature, are not reality. They’re sometimes a way of us getting closer to things that will never or can never be a reality but that are nonetheless exciting and/or stimulating. Incest fantasies are not uncommon—in Justin Lehmiller’s survey of 4,000+ Americans, the results of which were published in his 2019 book Tell Me What You Want, about 20 percent of respondents said they’d fantasized about incest at some point, he told me by phone recently.

That's just want people will say. It's probably much higher.

I don’t mean to second guess your intuition, which could very well be spot on, but from an outsider perspective, “odd vibes” and some leisure reading are hardly evidence of actual incest, so you should approach any discussion on the matter with an open mind. Ask questions, don’t point fingers. Inquire, don’t accuse.

Many women have had some sort of sexual (note: CONSENSUAL) experience with their father.

Even more women have wanted some form of sexual experience with their father.

Even more have had some sort or sexual fantasy involving their father.

Whatever the case with the letter writer's wife, I hope they are closer and better off as a result of discussing this situation.


Let Dad Have His Fantasies

We Get Letters From Consanguinamorous Daughters

Why Do I Have Sexual Feelings For My Dad?