Transgender Day of Remembrance

On November 20, especially, we remember transgender people killed by hatred and ignorance. It's the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

For all transgender people reading this:

We value you. You are valid. You deserve to live your life free of prejudice, free of being attacked for who you are.

We are going to help make things better sooner rather than later.

We are with you.

We remember those who aren’t with us anymore. We support those who are.

Has Your Partner Experienced Consanguinamory?

I used be active at a certain Big Internet Portal's Question and Answer service, until someone who couldn’t handle me answering questions truthfully when it comes to certain romantic or sexual topics decided to get me "suspended" using a weakness in their automated system. After that, I'd still check to see what questions were being asked there, even though I couldn't participate in any way or even contact anyone there unless they had somehow provided an email address in their question or answer. I will not link to the service, but I will quote it. Someone named Lauren asked this question...

Ok.....complicated one, recently found out my husband and his younger sister had sex for a number of years between the ages of 10-12, this is what he's telling me tho I'm aware this may have more to it? We are a young couple married with two children (boys) my relationship with his family has never been great and this hasn't helped! Can anyone give me any advice or your thoughts on how you would deal with this news? I'm up and down and so confused.....

Questions like this come up more than people might think. Person A is dating or married to Person B and Person A suspects or has found out that Person B has been sexually involved with a sibling or other family member. Person A usually wants to know what they should do.

It is important to clarify the situation by determining the answers to some questions.

1) Is this something that is suspected or has it been confirmed?

How Consanguineous Lovers Can Avoid Trouble

Believe it or not, there are still criminal laws in many places criminalizing consensual sex between adults, and there are still police officers who will investigate people for this "crime," still prosecutors who will take the case before a court, and still judges and jurors who will convict people and sentence them to prison. There are still social workers who will take children away from good parents because those parents love other adults.

It doesn't matter to them how loving the relationships are. It doesn't matter if they love each other more than they could love others, it doesn't matter if the lovers didn't even meet each other until they were adults. It apparently doesn't matter to the people interfering that every dollar or minute they spend trying to stop consenting adults from loving each other is a dollar or minute that could instead go into protecting people, especially children, against predators.

In addition to this persecution of consanguinamorous people, there aren't any protections against other forms of discrimination against the consanguinamorous, such as employment discrimination. There are still many states that don't have protections for LGBTQ+ people, either, and polyamorous people are even less protected than monogamous LGBTQ+ people.

I sometimes forget that people don’t follow the news and law as closely as I do for this blog, so they may be unaware of these things. So I want to share with you what I've learned.

First, note the disclaimer that there is an ever-present at the bottom of this blog. I'll mostly repeat it here:

So Your Friends Are Polyamorous

Amy Dickinson's "Ask Amy" column got a letter from someone who found out their friends aren't monogamous... [This entry has been bumped up.]

Q. My husband and I recently discovered that our closest friends (another couple) are having an open relationship. They say they are “polyamorous.”

Did they actually say their relationship is open? Some polyamorous relationships are closed, but people hear the word and they think "open relationship."

I am having a very hard time accepting this.

How does this change the letter writer's life?

They were in our wedding, and we were in theirs. In the last 10 years I can’t remember having a single disagreement with them, but I can’t seem to get past this.

Really? So much history, getting along so well, being so close, and this is just too much?

They didn’t even tell us about it. We found out because the husband was hanging all over another woman very publicly at their annual party. My husband found out what was really going on through another longtime friend.

Could that be what was really upsetting? That this letter writer thought this couple was so close but didn't discuss this with them?

Adults Having Their Basic Rights Isn’t Child Abuse

When someone advocates for all adults to have the right to be with any and all consenting adults, or specifically for the rights of polyamorous or consanguineous adult lovers, someone who hasn't bothered to think it through or is being deliberately dishonest might respond with “So, you’re advocating for the abuse of children?”

If this is your response to someone advocating the rights of all CONSENTING ADULTS to be together, something is wrong with your reading comprehension. Adults are not children. Consenting means voluntary, not an abuse situation. Consenting adults being together has nothing to do with abusing children.

Trying, but failing, to avoid looking like ignorant bigots, they might try something like “Yeah but, if we allow polyamorous, polygamous, or plural marriages, or we allow incestuous relationships or marriages, doesn't that make it more likely children will be abused by normalizing it? Isn't the next step moving on to children?”

This is an attempt at guilt by false association. It is something LGBTQ+ people have been dealing with forever. “If you allow gay people to be together, it will make it easier to molest children!” It simply doesn’t follow. It’s a lie that most LGBTQ+ people want to abuse children, and it is likewise a lie that people who are ethically nonmonogamous or consanguinamorous want to abuse children. Child abusers are going to try to abuse children. Children will be more likely to be abused and to keep quiet about it the more taboo we keep sex in general.

There are places where consanguinamorous relationships between adults are not criminalized, including a couple of US states. This has not caused an increase in child abuse in these places.

When it comes to ethical nonmonogamy, citing a few isolated villages or compounds where women don’t have equal rights and children are treated as property as proof it leads to child abuse is dishonest. Children are abused by professing monogamists every day, while most parents involved in ethical, disclosed, or consensual nonmonogamy are great parents who are not abusing children in any way.

Keeping unjust discrimination in place is wasting resources vitally needed to prevent and stop actual abuse. It makes it less likely victims and witnesses of abuse will cooperate with authorities if their own relationships are criminalized. Every bit of time and money wasted on trying to stop consenting adults from being together how they mutually agree is time and money that isn’t being spent to help people who are actually being abused.

There is no good reason to deny consenting adults their rights to be together how they mutually agree.

On a Personal Note

This is Keith. I just wanted to take a moment to reflect and to update my readers.

This blog is a labor of love. I don’t ask for, nor accept any funding. I don’t even have ads.

I work full time, plus. And, thankfully, I also have a pretty great life. But life is keeping me busy, and so I update this blog when I can make the time, because this blog is not a job.

I have multiple interviews I need to finish and post, and so many drafts of other entries, some closer to being finished than others. Thankfully, I have many years of still-relevant material for people to read through and share. (Do share!)

One thing that keeps me busy, and I’m so thankful it does, is direct contact with people who find me through this blog or social media. I’ve been hearing from so many people and helping some of them.

After all these years, I have demonstrated to myself that what I really enjoy most about my activism is helping people directly and personally through consultation, connecting with them via email (fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com), Wire messaging app (@fullmarriageequality), X (@FullMEquality), Facebook, Quora, and Reddit. If you need to connect through another service, we might be able to do that, but those are the accounts I check daily and more.

I like blogging enough, but blogging is my tool to help a lot of people in a more general way. When I’m connecting with them specifically and individually, that’s the thing I like most. Even though I’ll never knowingly meet them, most likely. (Note: I don’t ever ask for money, nor do I ask for pictures or video, though I gladly accept pictures and video if someone OFFERS to share. Nor am I looking for new partners. If someone asks you for money or initiates a request for pictures or video, or asks to meet up, that’s not me.)

Thanks for your continued visits. I’ll keep posting when I can. And thanks for everything you’re doing to increase inclusion and advance the rights of all.

California Voters: Yes on 3

Vote YES on Proposition 3!

If you’re a registered California voter, you might have received your Presidential Election ballot in the mail already.

If you’re not registered or not registered in your current location yet, you likely can still register for this election. Do so ASAP.

You should have multiple ways to vote in-person even if you don’t get a ballot in the mail or don’t want to use a mailed/mail-in ballot. You can also hand-deliver mail-in ballots.

Vote YES on Proposition 3 to advance the right to marry.

Here it is:

*****

PROPOSED AMENDMENT TO ARTICLE I

First—That Section 7.5 of Article I thereof is repealed.

SEC. 7.5. Only marriage between a man and a

woman is valid or recognized in California.

Second—That Section 7.5 is added to Article I thereof,

to read:

SEC. 7.5. (a) The right to marry is a fundamental

right.

(b) This section is in furtherance of both of the

following:

(1) The inalienable rights to enjoy life and liberty and to

pursue and obtain safety, happiness, and privacy

guaranteed by Section 1.

(2) The rights to due process and equal protection

guaranteed by Section 7.

*****

Here’s the link to the official voter information with the official language of the Proposition (it’s a PDF) if you want to see for yourself:

https://vig.cdn.sos.ca.gov/2024/general/pdf/prop3-text-proposed-laws.pdf

If you want to see the current “in the book” law as of this posting, here it is:

https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/codes_displayText.xhtml?lawCode=CONS&division=&title=&part=&chapter=&article=I

While Proposition 3 isn’t written like the Marriage Equality Amendment this blog endorses, Proposition 3 can enable the same result with some court cases and some follow-up legislation. It removes “dead” language from the California state constitution that was determined to be a violation of the US Constitution and it adds language to the state constitution emphasizing that marriage is a right. It is wonderful that it is written in a way that doesn’t restrict that right; rights are for all.

Let’s advance EVERYONE’S freedom to marry.

Yes on 3 in California!

Navigating the Holiday Season

The year-end holidays are here.

If you might be getting together with family for Thanksgiving (USA), Hanukkah, Winder Solstice, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year's Eve/Day, or any other holiday coming up, you might be facing specific decisions and considerations, especially if you're in an interracial relationship or an age gap relationship, or are LGBTQ+, nonmonogamous, consanguinamorous, or are exploring/living out kinks and certain dynamics:

• Avoiding hostile people
• Keeping closeted
• Coming out
• Making a move

You are under no obligation to spend holidays with people who are hostile to you because of your gender, orientation, relationships, or kinks, even if they are related to you. Repeat that to yourself as needed.

That being said, if there is just one or two hostile people and there will be dozen or more other people, consider if you can go and simply avoid the hostile people. Some families and gatherings allow for that.

What you tell people, how, and when, is up to you. If you're not ready to come out to the people you'd be spending time with, you shouldn't have to. Or, if you think coming out now to one, more, or all of the people who will be there would be best, you'll need to prepare yourself for emotionally for that.

As far as making a move, if there is a person or people likely to be there you want to "get closer to," whether relatives or family friends, plan ahead for the possibilities. Will there be a way to get them alone? Would it be good to get things in motion ahead of time through texts, messages, video chats, calls, etc.? Or do you want to wait until you're face to face to get things in motion or back into motion, as the situation might be.

Plan ahead and make the most of the season. What that means is up to you. For some of you, it will be making plans with friends and "found family" or your partner(s) and their families. Others will make the most of their opportunities by going "home." Plans can change, and that's fine. But do consider what you might want to do.

If you need someone to talk with or to give you feedback about your plans, or you just want to say hello to Keith, you can do so, as always, by emailing fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or message him on Wire at fullmarriageequality or on Facebook.

You can also comment with your thoughts, plans, or past experiences below.

Happy Halloween!

Given the timing this year, I probably should have posted this days ago. Better now than ever, I guess!

Halloween is October 31 and it is celebrated widely and diversely here in the US.

Do you have any special plans for Halloween? Have you done or will you do anything fun or interesting this year at a Halloween party or event?

Whatever you do, please be careful and stay safe!

Here in the states, the stores depend on Halloween to sell a lot of merchandise. In typical years, there are parties, costume contests, what amounts to theatre in front of (and inside, sometimes) the homes of people as they try to scare or entertain neighbors and strangers with things ranging from silly to sexy, spooky to gory. In some places, kids (and often parents) in costumes go from door to door collecting candy or other treats.

Many amusement parks, ranging from small to the largest, do special entertainment in the weeks leading up to Halloween, and this is a favorite time of the year for movie studios to release horror movies, and for broadcasters to show ones from years past.

For some, there are religious or spiritual aspects to the day, and it might be called by other names.

Some interesting things can happen when people are having fun at costume parties, or cuddled up together watching scary movies. Maybe you'll be home with family or other loved ones, watching something good or playing some fun games?

So, as always, feel free to comment or share your plans or stories, including from years past. You can comment anonymously below.

Why Attempt to Suppress Affection?

Why would anyone waste time, energy, and other resources attempting to suppress affection or recreation between mutually consenting people?

Do you have a personal dislike of some forms of sex, or certain people? So what? Why do you even feel a need to tell people sharing love or play that you disapprove, let alone try to censor or criminalize them?

Who are they harming? Who are they endangering?

Life is short. Don’t waste yours trying to stop other people from being affectionate or playful with each other.

Don’t fight against equality; that’s a threat to freedom.

Rather, show solidarity and support the rights of all. You’ll find it makes you a better person overall. Love is better than hate.

Family With Benefits

This post deals strictly with sexual situations. If you don't want to read about that, skip it. [This was published during the recent pandemic, but almost all of it is still relevant.]

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #16

“Some men will be left out as polygyny increases.” This is based on the assumption that in a culture with gender equality, polygyny would still be more plentiful than polyandry. Anti-equality people, based on this assumption, insist that this will result in unmarried men devolving into criminals.

The mistake here is assuming that the second, third, etc. wives in a polygynous marriage would have wanted one of those unmarried men rather than legally sharing the man they did marry, and that the unmarried men would in turn want to marry them. Some of those men may want to marry men, or not marry at all. Why not allow people to marry the person or people of their choice? Why try to force people to settle? Also, the system is not closed. There are billions of people in the world and more and more people are reaching the age and status of eligibility every second.

There was a study attempting to link polygny to criminal behavior in unmarried/unpartnered men based in part on nineteenth century frontier America. Things have changed a little since then. And guess what? Married men commit crime, too. Most of the men in prison have been married, were married or had at least one girlfriend at the time they were convicted.

Maybe men in the hypothetical polygynous community who don’t get married are violent people. Is it better that they have a wife to beat instead of committing crimes on the street? I don’t want to be the one who tells a woman she can’t marry the man/men or woman/women she wants; rather, she has to marry a less desirable man so that he can take his aggression out on her.

The warnings that polyamorous or polygamous freedom to marry will result in an increase of violent gangs of unmarried men committing crimes falls flat when one considers the overwhelming data revealing both that 1) Men in the US are getting married for the first time later than ever, and 2) Crime rates in the US have decreased.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #15 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Consanguineous) Love #17