Being a Good Lover

This entry assumes you have at least one lover. If you don’t, this previous entry is about finding one.

The specifics about what being a good lover is going to look like will vary, because people are diverse with different needs and desires. But there are some basic principles that you can follow, adapting to you, your lover(s), and your situation(s).

1. Basic compatibility is a must.

If they want to be monogamously married and only have sex to make babies and you’re looking for a “friend with benefits,” you are not compatible. If penises cause this person to run in terror and you have a penis, you’re not a match, unless you’d both be OK with your penis never being exposed or touching them. You get the idea.

2. Be prepared.

Good hygiene, being clean and well groomed are important. So is being up to date on being tested for and informed about sexually transmitted infections. Condoms and other barriers to reduce the risks of transmitting a disease or infection are options to consider. Condoms are also a form of contraception, but there are many other forms to consider. Lubricants and medications, especially as needed, shouldn’t be overlooked.

You and your partner shouldn’t be doing things on an empty stomach (unless it’s first thing after waking up), and staying hydrated helps. So feed and water your lover, so to speak.

You will be better off with lovemaking and many things in life if you take care of your body through staying active, flexible, strong, and physically coordinated. Good circulation and the ability to sustain physical activity for a while help.

Know your body. Exercise helps with that, and so does masturbation. There is nothing unhealthy about masturbation, provided you don’t hurt your skin; use lubrication.

Your mind and emotions should be prepared as well. If hang ups and inhibitions are interfering with your sexual enjoyment, consider finding a sex-positive therapist.

3. Care about the other person.

Sounds basic, right? But some people are so preoccupied with their own pleasure that they disregard what the other person needs or wants. Caring about the other person, focusing on providing them what they need and want, is essential to being a good lover. If they can trust you to consistently meet their needs and desires, and to stop or pause when they tell you to, they will consider you a great lover.

If they have a penis, in most cases, you should work with them to get it erect. If they have a vagina, you should work with them to get it wet. Ensuring they enjoy enough “foreplay” is essential.

Ask them what they want. Ask:

“Do you like this?” 

“Will you show me what you like?”

“What can I try?”

“What’s something you’ve wanted but haven’t tried yet?”

Pay attention. Learn their body and how it reacts, and what “works” for them. Adjust as needed. Be willing to learn and improve.

Be enthusiastic and open to trying new things (within boundaries and with consent).

If you tend to get sleepy or lose interest in sex after a climax, focus on satisfying them first, before you climax. If you’re not sure whether or not they need you to do more for them at that moment, ask in a sexy tone, “Is there anything more you need right now?” Be generous.

“Little” things can matter, like eye contact or holding their hand. Again, people are diverse. The “little” things that make it better will vary by individual.

You must listen to them if they say “no, don’t, stop, wait, not now,” or anything like that. Their “nos” (and yeses, for that matter) don’t have to make sense to you. They don’t have to make sense to them. Trying to change their “no” in the middle of sex is NOT good. If you want to discuss it, discuss it at another time. 

Protecting them from unwanted injuries, pregnancy, infections, gossip, and negative judgment from others is part of being a good lover. Honor their privacy.

If the person you’re with lacks experience, don’t assume they know what to do (each person is different anyway).

4. Don’t expect them to read your mind.

Mind reading is an extremely rare ability. If you can, show your lover what you want. If you can’t show them, tell them. Guiding them can be sexy!

These words are useful:

Softer

Harder

Faster

Slower

Keep doing that/more/don’t stop

Here

There

Stop

Wait

If you’re about to ejaculate, say so, especially if it’s going to go in them or on them if they don’t move or you don’t move.

5. Positive encouragement is more effective than complaints and criticism.

While there might be times you need to firmly say “NO,” redirection, offering an alternative, and positive reinforcement work better than negativity. Criticizing your partner’s technique or body in the middle of sex is a buzzkill (unless they have a kink for that sort of thing).

“Over here,” pointing or moving their hand/face/whatever to where you want it is much better than “That does nothing for me” or “I don’t like that.”

Positive feedback and encouragement both in the moment and after sex will get you more of what you want. Even if not getting sexual in the moment, telling your partner things like “I really like it when you…” or “It turns me on so much when you…” will get you more of what you want.

Say things like:

“It drives me wild when you…”

“Something I’ve wanted to try is…”

Erections usually require things to work together physically and psychologically; penises can get shy and uncooperative, especially if criticized. Erections can wax and wane multiple times during one sexual encounter. That’s normal. And sometimes, things just don’t work together in any given moment. Likewise, vaginas can be uncooperative sometimes; hormones, cycles, and other physical conditions can be tricky and things like UTIs can happen adjacent. Patience and cooperation usually pay off, even if not in mere minutes but days or weeks. Kindness beats criticisms and complaints.

6. Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind.

Ideally, you could tell your partner your fantasies, and they’d help you fulfill them (role playing, if not literally), but even if you don’t think you can share a fantasy of yours with your lover, it’s OK to fantasize in your mind, even when you’re in the middle of sex with your lover; whatever will get you enjoying yourself and your lover more. This includes things you’d never do in real life. Fantasies don’t have to follow the same rules as real life; fantasies just have to “do it” for you.

7. Mutually agreed-to one-sided sessions can be great.

They’re horny. You’re not, and you’re not likely to get horny right now. You can still do things that make them feel appreciated, desirable, sexy, and satisfied. This is a common way to handle things on occasion in an ongoing relationship. Not every sexual interaction has to include “everything.” If you’re simply not in physical or mental condition to do certain things, including reaching a climax, say so. Take a “rain check.” And if you can do something, and they’ll enjoy it, do that.

8. Toys and other additions are your friends, not an enemy.

There’s nothing at all wrong with involving things in addition to your two bodies. There are toys made for mouths, nipples, the anus, the penis, the clitoris, the vagina, and more.

Lubes, lotions, oils, creams, and dusts/powders of all sorts can make things easier or more spicy.

Research, technology advancements, and creativity are always creating more items, but sex toys and lotions have existed for thousands of years.

Blindfolds and ways to tie up or restrain a partner have been broadly popular.

There are pillows and similar items designed to help with sex.

Something doesn’t have to have made specifically for use in sex to be something fun to include; food and sweets are an example. So are costumes and wigs. Get creative. Use your imagination.

9. Have rules.

“No limits” is never true. You need rules for sex and rules for the relationship as a whole. Rules don’t have to make things bland. If agreed to the right way, they can make things even better, especially since they build trust.

Never assume this person is monogamous with you, only dating you, only having sex with you - if they haven’t clearly, explicitly agreed to that. Never assume that just because you’ve had sex they have implicitly agreed to only have sex with you. That’s something that must be discussed. You two will have clear understandings together about the rules.

The rules you two can discuss are almost endless, ranging from things you never want done to you during sex, to whether or not Tuesday will be a standing date night.

Some relationships are exclusive and closed, some are open. Some are monogamous, some are polyamorous. Some couples swing. Some couples who swing only do “soft swapping.” 

Communication and, if necessary, negotiation are musts for a great sexual relationship.

A “safe word” that stops things is a must, especially if you agree to do things that involve restraints, anything rough or potentially painful, or role playing involving force or “consensual non-consent.”

One of the rules, especially if your relationship is considered forbidden or taboo, should be who can be told about it and how. Depending on your situation, you might agree it is necessary to “keep private matters private.”

10. Keep it fun.

Sex is supposed to be fun, exciting, pleasurable, loving, playful; not a chore.

It helps to be able to laugh at yourself and the situation if things aren’t going perfectly, and be patient.

There is always something to learn, so curiosity and creativity are beneficial.

“Learning to love” something that didn’t sound or seem appealing at first opens up possibilities. In general, the more you’re willing to do with enthusiasm and determination, the better.

Think of how you can appeal to, and address, all of your lover’s senses, and in turn, experience them through all of your senses.

This was written mostly with basic, one-on-one “beginners” in mind, but it can be helpful for anyone who feels like they have fallen into a sexual rut or they need to step up their sexual skills. There are additional considerations in non-monogamous situations, such as two-on-one, threesomes, group sex, and polyamory (even polyamory in which each sexual encounter is one-on-one).

There are no shortages of websites, apps, videos, or books that can teach you specific techniques, positions, tips, games, etc. Going into that much detail is beyond the scope of what I’m doing here. In general, being gentle and slow is the way to start anything; if they want you to speed it up or be more forceful, they should tell you.

Basic Facts About Sex 

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.

A Cautionary Tale of Polyamorous Consanguinamory

This wont be an easy or quick read. [Note: This was originally published several years ago. I’m bumping it up because it’s tied to this season. I’d very much like to publish an update on this family.]

This is an in-depth recounting from a woman who was in a polyamorous consanguinamorous triad of her own initiation. It has been several years since it ended.

It’s a cautionary tale, though, unlike most of the interviews you'll find here, because they didn’t ever *talk* about it. They never discussed anything about it. They just did it. That, along with feeling isolated because of societal negativity, made things stressful for this woman.

Communication is important in any relationship. It is especially important in polyamorous relationships, and especially polyamorous relationships that were already established before they became sexual. It’s vital when three or more people are involved. If you can’t communicate about what's going on, you shouldn’t really be attempting an ongoing relationship. Consanguineous sex is almost always explosive. The intensity is unlike anything else. There’s a reason we call it double love or a double bond. Some people liken it to an addictive drug, and this woman does, too.

Communication is important. Reaching out to others is important. Reading the whole account will take a while. As you read this, notice how things could have turned out differently if they had talked things through, and didn’t have to hide.

I present her experience in her own words below. I have organized what she told me, but these are her words. If you contact me about her, refer to her as Zoe.

PLEASE NOTE THAT SOME OF THE NARRATIVE BELOW RECOUNTS EXPLICITLY SEXUAL SITUATIONS.


*****

I’m a mid-to-late twenties female and I was in an extended sexual relationship with both parents. For a long time I've felt really isolated, and if there's someone out there that can read what happened to me and say, "Yeah, I feel that too," that's a good thing. It started when I was 18 and ended when I was 22.

Why Do I Feel This Way?

Has anything like these ever happened to you?

• You wake from from an erotically charged dream, feeling strange or confused because it featured a close relative or family member.
  
  
• You're close to orgasm, whether you're alone or with at least one other person, and thoughts of a relative pop into your head, taking you to climax.
  
  
• You've found yourself admiring your relative "a little too much," whatever the setting or occasion.

If you have experienced anything like any of those, you're not alone. This is more common than many people think, because far more people have such thoughts than will admit to most people they know.

If we're talking about someone who recently came (back) into your life and you were essentially raised through childhood apart, then it could be reunion GSA, which is very common in such situations. See this page for more information. Most of this entry also applies to you, but is more focused on people who were always in each other's life, or for the most part have been.

Is It Normal?

Getting Started

It has become apparent to me that some people need advice on how to initiate a sexual relationship that’s not with a paid professional. 

Again: Never impose yourself on someone without their consent; their consent can end at any time.

Usually, you’ll need to be alone with the person you’ve set up this time with. Nobody else should be around unless you know they’d support you two getting sexual with each other. Be thoroughly washed, cleaned, and groomed.

Do what works.

What works will be whatever both you want to do together.

It might take trial and error to figure that out.

You want them to feel sexual, playful, aroused, even passionate. You want them to feel your interest in, and desire for, them. You want them to feel like they have an itch that you can scratch, and that you have an itch they can scratch.

It will usually involve conversation with each other, which can range from what they think about the weather to what their sexual fantasies are, depending on how things have already gone between the two of you. Compliments, flirting, and innuendos (if you’re good coming up with those) should be sprinkled into the conversation, if possible.

Talking usually won’t be enough. You might want to do one or more of the following:

• Sit/cuddle/snuggle together watching a movie or show (one that won’t be a turn off). Or telling each other stories.

• Sit in a private hot tub together.

• Sit in an automobile together overlooking the sunset, the night sky, or the city lights. (Just be careful not to run afoul of the law but doing things where you’re likely to get busted.)

• Sit closely together while sharing a light meal and conversation; even better if some finger foods are involved that you can feed each other (olives, grapes, chocolates, etc.)

• Dance slowly together to music, just the two of you, pressing together.

• Play games together, whether video games, board games, card games, whatever.

• Gentle touches. Touching will be very important. If they don’t welcome your touches, such as on their arm, shoulder, back, or knee, that’s not a good sign. If you know they’ve been exercising, working out, training, or doing physical labor, asking them if you can feel specific muscles (biceps, shoulders, calves, thighs, stomach/abs) can help bring further intimacy.

At some point, you will need to have the courage to make a move.

If you’re snuggled or cuddled together, or sitting next to each other, it can be as simple as placing their hand in a more intimate place on you or your hand on a more intimate place on them, even if the hand just rests there and doesn’t move.

You might want to offer neck, shoulder, back, or foot rubs, massages, or backscratches to get your hands on them. Allow them to return the favor if you’d like. When you have your hands on them, slowly and gently moving your hands further and further as they welcome you doing so can be one good way to start. When they have their hands on you, moaning or sighing in approval can help, as can encouraging them to move their hands further and further. 

If they welcome your hugs or embraces, you can drift your hands all over, if they allow that.

If they welcome your kisses on their cheek or forehead, maybe they’ll allow them on their lips or neck next.

Touching them in certain places with your hands or lips, with their consent, is a clear indication that the relationship is becoming sexual, even if you’re both fully clothed at the time. Remember, though, that consent to something isn’t consent to everything.

In addition to listening to what they say, pay close attention to their body language. Do they want you to continue? Are they blushing, breathing hard, smiling, giggling, looking you the eyes, closing their eyes, moaning or humming with pleasure? These are good signs.

If at least one of you is touching and kissing the other in a romantic or sexual way, with consent - congratulations, you’re on your way. Maybe one or both of you will want to remove articles of clothing from the other and/or yourselves. Maybe you’ll want to move from where you are to somewhere more comfortable.

As long as they welcome it, keep going as “far” as you want to. One or both of you might want to stop at a certain point, without having “completed” anything; that’s OK. “No,” “don’t,” “stop,” “not now,” or “wait,” from either one of you should immediately stop whatever is happening. Maybe, if you’re the one stopping them, you want them to do something else rather than stopping entirely; playfully redirect them.

Everyone has their own pace. It might take many dates to get to something you want to do. Or you might go further than you’d dreamed your first sexual encounter together would go. Be prepared to adjust and adapt. Be patient. Be kind. Usually, the goals will include getting penises erect and vaginas wet, and sometimes those things need additional help (lube, medication), and for each person to climax as many times as they want (usually through contact with the penis or clitoris), but again, things can be paused or stopped before any of those things happen, and some people have a good time even if none of those things happen. You can start cautiously, keeping things limited. If you both mutually agree to move beyond that, good!

Some things to keep in mind before and during all this:

• If this is your first time ever doing these things, meaning you’ve never had sex or “made out” with anyone ever, don’t try to hide that. Your date will almost certainly be able to tell. Eveyone starts with no experience. Everyone learns as they go. Being honest about this is best. If this person has experience, they can teach you what to do, but each person is different, so what one person likes might not be what someone else wants.

• Being nervous is usually normal and natural. It’s OK to be nervous. Just be yourself and treat the other person with care.

• You might need or prefer be meet up with, or take the other person out, in public, maybe multiple times, before getting them alone in private. What that in involves can be anything; drinks, meals/picnics, desserts, walks, hikes, moviegoing, concertgoing, visiting museums, whatever you two will enjoy. But if you’re the one asking them out, make the arrangements; don’t put planning it on them or add to their mental load. Only ask questions about what they’ll want to do if you’re unsure about their needs (for example, don’t plan a horseback riding date if they are allergic to horses.)

• There’s nothing wrong with sipping alcohol, like wine, to ease your nerves and theirs, provided neither of you is a problem drinker or has a medical situation that precludes consuming alcohol; do NOT get them drunk, however. You want them able to understand what’s happening and to be able to give consent.

• Might condoms be needed? Condoms lower the risks of pregnancy and spreading certain diseases.

• Be prepared to address concerns and hesitations they have, which are more likely to be raised by them if you’ve had an established relationship with them that has been nonsexual until now.

• If you’re bigger/stronger than this person, keep in mind they might be feeling physically vulnerable while alone with you, which is all the more reason kindness and consent matter.

• While fiction can give you some examples, remember that it’s fiction. For example, porn is fantasy and usually involves what will look appealing or arousing on-camera. It’s usually not meant to be an educational how-to video.

[UPDATE: Being a Good Lover]

Basic Facts About Sex 

Cautious Consanguinamory 

Step 4 and the rest this page might help:

https://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.

The Approach

There are many people I’ve communicated with who have no idea how to express and pursue romantic or sexual interest in someone else, at least if it doesn’t involve an app.

So, I thought I’d cover a few basics.

I want to make it very clear from the start that none of this is about imposing on someone against their consent.

On the flip side, it isn’t assault or harassment to approach someone who has expressed no interest in you yet, as long as you do it respectfully and gently, and back off if they decline. (You might want to avoid approaching anyone in your workplace, though.)

This IS about how to discern if someone else could be interested in you this way and letting them know you are interested them in this way. I can’t write for every set of customs on the planet, such as “arranged marriages” and elaborate rituals, and this essay assumes you are able and willing to act on mutual consent between you and the person you’re trying to approach.

This is mostly written with younger adults in mind, but much of it can be applied to adults of any age, especially if it’s been a long time since you’ve successfully looked for a partner in-person.

Approaching someone requires vulnerability on your part. You will be expressing (more) interest in them, and they might reject you, or at least decline your invitations. Thus it has been for generations. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Nothing “works” for, or on, “everyone.” People are diverse. So be flexible, adapt, and never impose on someone who has indicated they’re not interested.

Preparing

What are you looking for? A hookup/one night stand? A potential spouse? Something in the very wide spectrum between? Or is your answer to that question “Any of the above; it depends on the person?”

What you’re looking for helps to guide you on how you prepare.

What do you have to offer? Be honest with yourself. Is there anything about you that would interest potential lovers? Maybe you’re fun to hang out with. Maybe you’re a good conversationalist. Maybe you have a sexy body. Maybe you’re a good companion in general. Maybe you can touch your forehead with your tongue. Maybe you’re going to be a wealthy businessperson. Maybe you’re saving an endangered species.

If you don’t think you have much to offer, maybe you don’t. Or maybe you’re being too hard in yourself. But if you are lacking, there are ways to grow into someone who has more to offer. All some people want is someone who’ll listen to them, make them laugh, and touch them tenderly. 

How’s your hygiene and grooming? Except for rare fetishists, potential lovers want someone who is clean, doesn’t smell bad, and takes care of themselves. Clean hands and fingernails and a clean mouth (as in brushed teeth and good breath) are usually musts.

How do you present yourself to others? Does the way you dress indicate you care how you look? What’s your style? Don’t try to look like someone you’re not, but do look good for whatever your style is. That can range from a nice business suit to biker leather, a sundress to a business skirt.

You have self-control - usually. Most people have experiences and feelings that can overwhelm them from time to time, but if you’re looking for love, or sex, or sex AND love, behaving in a desperate, fearful, or out of control way won’t get you anywhere. “Losing control” is only good in the heat of passionate sex - sometimes. Not in getting to there.

Approaching Someone You Don’t Know Well

Approaching complete strangers or acquaintances, or neighbors you don’t know well is different than approaching someone you already know, which I will discuss below, after I discuss this.

The easiest way to begin is to ask questions that express interest it them. If they’re wearing, carrying, or doing anything that indicates their interest in something, asking about it can be one of the safest ways to start. If nothing else, you can ask them for their opinions on something nearby you’re about to try/buy/do, ask them for directions, or even ask them if you know them from somewhere or have met them before.

Asking them appropriate questions allows them to reveal more about themselves to you. In general, the more they’re willing to talk with you, the better. Also, their tone of voice and body language can give you indications. Are they smiling at you? Looking at you? Or are they putting up metaphorical walls, being curt and distant? If they are smiling at you and looking at you in a way that indicates they like what they see, that’s a good sign. Ask follow-up questions that show you’re listening to them and gets them talking about things that interest them or they are eager to share.

Offer compliments. These shouldn’t be crude. “Nice ass!” is usually going to be inappropriate, unless you’re at a farm as they’re showing off their donkey. Something like, “I like your hair,” or “Nice shoes,” or “Your eyes are gorgeous,” or “I like the way you kicked that mugger in the groin and threw him down the stairs.” Compliments can also be about something they said. “That sounds fascinating! I’d like to hear more about that.”

Flirt. Flirting usually consists of smiling, what you’re doing with your eyes, your overall body language, your tone of voice, and being playful with your compliments and whatever else you say. In so far as they welcome them, flirting can involve light, gentle touches such as on their arm or shoulder.

Set up a date. If everything above is going well, meaning they’ve received your flirting well and are flirting back, or at least they’re not breaking out a spray can full of mace, go ahead and ask for their phone number, and if you can, a date. Some people insist on being pursued rather than pursuing; if you’re one of them, offering your number and leaving it up to them to text or call is OK.

Make it easy for them. If you are OK doing the, or some, pursuing, suggest what you want to do, where, and when. For example:

“Will you join me for coffee or tea at Donna’s Tea Factory, tomorrow afternoon at 3? My treat.”

They might agree. Or decline. Or they might make a counter-suggestion, such as “How about Gary’s Frozen Yogurt at 8pm?”

That’s fine. There are people out there who tell you not to be flexible at all. Ignore that. Your goal is to set up a time and place for you two to begin to get to know each other better. Someone who comes back with an offer of a different time, place, or activity wants to spend time with you. Otherwise, they simply would have declined. By the way, dates don’t have to cost much. Meeting at a park for a nice walk and sitting on a bench can be most of the date; but keep in mind that most people aren’t their best on an empty stomach or with low blood sugar.

Another essay will address what to do on dates, but starting at step 5 on this page and adapting it to your situation can help. UPDATE! Here’s that essay about what to do on dates.

That all assumes you have someone in front of you you’re interested in. If you don’t, go where you’re likely to find people you might want to date. Bookstores used to be great for that, because you could see what they were reading and that might reinforce your interest. Or not. Such bookstores are getting harder to find. If you’re attending college, a trade school, or any other adult educational institution, going where other students gather can help. At any age, getting involved in an activity that indicates common interests, such as a charity or another nonprofit, or some local civic, hobby, or sports club can be a way to do that. Of course there are also bars and night clubs, if that’s your thing.  

Approaching Someone You Know Well

If there is someone you know well, and you want to add a romantic and/or sexual bond with them, attempting to initiate that may have some differences from approaching someone you don’t know well.

A benefit is that you already know each other. A potential hindrance is that for some people, if a romantic or sexual bond wasn’t explored with them before, they might have placed you in their mind into a nonsexual, nonromantic category, and changing that can extremely difficult.

It might help to understand why it has been a nonsexual, nonromantic relationship up until now. There are so many possibilities. Some of them include:

• Availability - at least one of you wasn’t available, whether due to existing commitments, geographic distance, mental or physical health issues, or more

• Professional connection - you were previously coworkers or boss/employee, one of you did some work for the other, you were educator and student, etc.

• Personal growth or transformation - at least one of you has recently figured out your priorities, matured, gained sobriety, achieved some stability, accepted the truth about your gender/sexuality/relationship needs, started to see the other as an attractive romantic/sexual person, gained the courage to be vulnerable, etc.

• Customs or taboos - you now realize that the disapproval of some strangers, especially dead strangers, shouldn’t prevent you from adding bonds with this person 

Don’t assume they are available just because you don’t know of any current partners, nor should you assume they’re unavailable because they do have current partners (although if their response to your approach is to tell you they have a partner, that’s usually a nice way of declining your offer, if it’s not part of a discussion about nonmonogamy).

Starting at step 4 on this page and adapting it to your situation might help.

Also, adapting much of what was written above about approaching strangers can work in getting this person you know to see you as a potential romantic/sexual partner and signal your interest in them as such.

Ask them open-ended questions to get them talking about romantic and/or sexual relationships. Ask for their opinions, thoughts, desires, preferences, experiences; whatever will get them talking. Need a starting point? Ask them about their dating life, or their thoughts about someone or something in the news - like a famous couple, or about other people you know, or a fictional situation you watched or read about, or mention a dream you had (even if you have to make it up). If things are going well enough, you can ask them questions that relate to your history and existing connection with them, even if you don’t clearly make it about the two of you. For example, “Do think it’s OK for former coworkers to date?” If they say yes, you can ask them if they’d be willing to date a former coworker. If they say yes, you might be able to ask them for a date.

Offer compliments. An advantage in offering compliments to someone you know well is that your compliments can be specific to the things they care most about. Some compliments should be more of the romantic or physical nature than you’ve offered them before, complimenting their appearance, for example.

Flirt. Flirting with this person should include much more physicality than with someone you barely know. More touches as you pass by them; leading them by the hand or otherwise holding their hand(s), more hugs, longer and tighter hugs, perhaps with drifting hands; kisses, more kisses, more suggestive kisses; even sitting on their lap or inviting them to sit on yours or next to you, depending on the situation.

Get them alone/Set up a date. Things aren’t going to get very far unless you can get them alone, or unless whoever else is present is supportive of you two getting together. This may involve going out on dates but, depending on the situation, might involve dates at home. Especially if it still hasn’t been established to them you are interested in them romantically and/or sexually, setting up regular, recurring dates might help. For example, suggest getting together regularly to watch movies, or play tennis, or go for walks, or share coffee, or play games/cards, or whatever, whether weekly or daily or whatever makes sense that you’ll both enjoy.

Discussion is essential. Because you’re trying to add additional bonds to an existing relationship, sooner or later you two will have to discuss what’s happening. It may feel weird or awkward, especially to them, even more so if it goes against customs or taboos. They may need reassurance that you’re not acting on a mere whim, or confused, and that this is truly what you want. Be prepared for them to express hesitations based on the prior bonds you have shared; your sincerity and thorough assurance can clear away those hesitations if they are able to reciprocate your feelings. If they can’t reciprocate your feelings, they may cling to the hesitations to soften saying “no” to you.

Again, never impose yourself on anyone against their consent.

A subsequent essay will examine dating behaviors. UPDATE: Here it is.

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.

Ancestry, DNA, 23, Family Trees, and You

It's happening so often now. Someone sends in their DNA to be tested and they learn about close relatives, some they didn't even know they had. Sometimes, family secrets are revealed.

23andMe, Ancestry.com, Family Tree DNA, GeneTree, Genographic Project, MyHeritage, and Navigenics, and other services, often along with social media and networking and ease of travel, means people meeting or reuniting with close relatives.

Have you discovered consanguinamory in your family tree?

What about donor-conceived people getting together?

Have new or long-lost relatives been revealed to you?

A lot of people are dealing with these things now. There are people who understand. You can always write me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com