Thursday, August 29, 2019

Sibling Rivalry or Sibling Revelry

I used to be active on a certain Big Online Portal's question-and-answer feature, answering questions related to full marriage equality and relationship rights for all adults, and occasionally questions about teenager sexuality. I still read what goes on there. Every once in a while, someone will ask a question like this...
I caught my siblings making out, what should i do?
I caught my 16 year old sister and 17 year old brother making out, I don't really know what to do. To be honest I'm very shocked, and a bit disoriented thinking about it. They're both pretty attractive, I don't see why they would shack up with each other when they could go out and get people who... aren't related to them.

I want to tell ma and pa, but they begged me not to, don't really know how to approach this situation, Or if I should just respect their privacy. I guess I'm just worried about their mental health, but I guess that's pretty unfair of me to assume something is wrong with them.

What do i do?
For all we know, the teens "making out" with each other are both half-siblings to the asker, and unrelated to each other, or they could be stepsiblings or adopted siblings. Or, they could be half or full-blood siblings to each other. (It might have even been a reunion Genetic Sexual Attraction situation if the siblings have not been raised together.) Whatever their genetic, legal, and social relation, it isn't uncommon for siblings as close in age as they are, especially in their teens, to have such affection between them.

Also, we don't know where they live, and thus whether or not they live somewhere where it is legal for a 17-year-old and 16-year-old to have sex with each other.

Most therapists consider such sibling behavior, absent any coercion, force, or intimidation, to be mutual experimentation or exploration.

In general, however, my advice to someone in the asker's position is to:

1. Confirm this is a voluntary activity. If observing wasn't enough, ask the younger/smaller/less assertive/more needy sibling if they are being pressured, intimidated, coerced, or forced in any way.

2. Respect their privacy. Start by reminding them it's a good idea to be discreet and promise you will knock.

3. Protect and support them.

4. If needed, assist them in accessing contraception and health care.

(See this extensive advice at The Final Manifesto for friends and family of consanguinamorous siblings.)

Walking in on anyone "making out" with someone else can be unsettling, especially if you're uptight about your own sexuality. Walking in your sibling in such a situation can be more so. Walking in on your sibling doing something to which you have a personal aversion (in this case, making out with a sibling, but in other cases it might be group sex, or gay sex, etc.) can be all the more so. But just because you might not want to do something doesn't mean someone else shouldn't or is mentally ill for enjoying that activity or enjoying that other person in that way. There may also be some feelings of jealousy and sibling rivalry prompting some negative reaction.

As far as there being so many other people they could be with: that will always be the case with any relationship. There is always "someone else" any given person could be with, but that is no reason these two teenagers shouldn't be together in the way they want. They love, trust, and enjoy each other, and have something they would be unlikely to find in others. This is what is working for them. Trying to force them apart would only cause problems. They will either stop on their own, moving on to other lovers, or they won't, and will have to deal with the prejudices that exist against such love.

The advice for parents who walk in on such a situation is a little different if the parents are legally responsible for the lovers, and I tend to subscribe to "your house, your rules" to a certain extent.

Brandy likes to answer questions like these...
According to research I've seen, it's been estimated that between 25% to 50% of teenage guys would be gladly willing to engage in consensual sexual activities with their blood-related sisters if given the opportunity. Less than 1% of teenage females would be willing to do anything sexual with their brother, though. Your sister is simply in that smaller catagory. It doesn't mean that she's evil or twisted. As long as she hasn't been abused or molested, then she's probably emotionally healthy and mentally stable.
Brandy then goes on a bit of a tangent.

Aurélie also answered, giving her personal experience with the subject...
Well Charlie, what people want to do with themselves and with each other is their own business. No one is being harmed or defrauded by their activities.

Personally, I think that siblings enjoying each other's bodies is not wrong (as long as it's consensual).

My twin brother and I have been enjoying special intimacy and sexual fun together for 3 years (we're 17 now). We don't have sex, but we have a fantastic time french kissing and cuddling together without any clothes on. Sharing orgasms by rubbing our "down there" parts together is by far the best.

If our parents found out, then we wouldn't deny it. We'd tell them that we love and respect each other. We don't lie to each other, and we don't cheat on each other. There isn't any drama or jealousy. We've never been naked with anyone else, so there aren't any STD's.

And I was the one who suggested that we start sharing our bodies and have some intimate fun together. It was completely my idea. At first my brother flatly refused to believe me. He couldn't believe that I was offering myself up to him on a silver platter, and he was certain that my request was a prank or a set-up, or that one of my friends was hiding somewhere and would burst out and start laughing at him. I finally gave up trying to verbally convince him, so I just stripped naked for him. That's when he said "Wow! OK! Great!"

Would people prefer that I instead had chosen a classmate from school or gotten a serious BF who would have screwed me and then immediately dumped me when I was 14? A guy who would have lied to me? A guy who would have boasted about screwing me to all of his friends? A guy who might have given me an STD? Assuming 2 BF's per year, then by now I might have been screwed by 6 different guys already, so ask all of those same questions again 5 more times.

Because my brother and I have shared something very special together (and continue to do so), today we're still virgins and yet we're both wonderfully sexually satisfied. So are the activities that I'm sharing with my brother really that horrible? Not in my opinion. We both really enjoy it, and we both treasure the fact that we genuinely care about each other. We don't ever feel the need to wear masks around each other. The sense of complete freedom is awesome beyond measure.

Siblings are better off being intimate, practicing on each other, and enjoying each other... instead of allowing themselves to be lied to and used by unrelated STD-infested players and gold-digging b*tches who wouldn't give a crap about their feelings.
Finding your siblings together in this way does not need to disrupt the home. This sort of thing has gone on for all of human history, in every culture, in rural families and urban families, poor families and rich families.

People in consanguinamorous relationships like the one described in the question can find some support.

Also see:
Jane's Doe's Blog Entry to Parents of Consanguinamorous Children
Ten Myths About Sibling Consanguinamory
Can Siblings Marry?

This entry addresses questions like Why would brothers and sisters have sex? Why would siblings have sex? I caught my siblings or brother and sister having sex; what should I do? I caught my brothers having sex. I caught my sisters having sex. Do siblings have sex?
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  1. Take a look at the last (3rd) question in this week's Dan Savage column!

  2. I agree as long as nobod is harmed then their relationship should be respected and they should be left alone.

  3. I would hope siblings enjoying a consensual relationship like that would be allowed to continue. Whether it's just for fun or whether it's the beginning of a life-long relationship, there is no reason that they can't be together.
    -Liz Smith

  4. I understand that in New Jersey and Rhode Island, as well as in Spain, Portugal and Japan, and probably in France as well, related couples can have children legally

    if that is the case what does make of the argument against incest marriage which is said to be in place to prevent inbreeding?

    If inbreeding is taking place anyway without legal marriage, what is the point of prohibiting consanguineous marriage?


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