Multiplying Taboos - Her Side

We recently featured an interview with a man who has a secret, long-term affair ongoing with his adult daughter. She wanted to provide her side of the story, so here it is.

This blog is here to advocate for the rights of all consenting adults to be together how they mutually agree. Included in that is supporting ethical or consensual nonmonogamy. Unfortunately, because of lingering laws and prejudices about consanguinamory, many people can't be open about their attractions and experiences; cheating, which we do not advocate, can happen in such a negative environment as people do not feel free to discuss things openly and honestly with their partners, or anyone else for that matter. Again, we don't advocate cheating, but we recognize that some consanguineous sex does happen in the context of cheating. Still, there are things we can learn about relationships in general and consanguineous relationships especially by interviewing people who have had such experiences.

The woman interviewed below is married to a man and having a longtime secret affair with her biological father, who is married to her mother.

In much of the world, including all but a couple of US states,both the father and daughter could be criminally prosecuted for this, not for the cheating, but for having sex with each other.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this woman has to say. You may think her relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic and romantic; you might find the cheating to be unacceptable. But whatever your reaction, should this be a crime? If their spouses were agreeable, shouldn't they be able to be open about their relationship and even marry? Also, notice that aspects of the relationship are common to consanguineous relationships that don't involve cheating, too. We don't condone cheating, but even a relationship that involves cheating can help give an understanding of the dynamic of consanguineous relationships, as this is happening everywhere.


WARNINGS: Mildly explicit sexuality and cheating. 



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FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: What's  your side of things?

Anonymous Daughter: Dad said some really nice things. He's really correct about how things started and where they have gone for us. I do have one regret, and that is the cheating aspect. I am cheating on the man I truly love and I'm cheating on my mother, which actually hurts a bit more. I wish I could say that I have dealt with this, but occasionally I have a sharp pain of regret. I feel incredibly selfish in what I have and what I wanted.

I wanted my dad because it felt right, and that was wonderful! Our first child was an accident but it had me think, even more selfishly, that having a second baby would work despite my husband and my inability to have children. I'm sorry to make it so simple in these words. It's so much deeper than that and I live with that daily. We have gone too far to turn back and the consequences would be truly devastating.


FME: When did you first realize that you wanted him, and did you realize this was considered taboo? Did you get the idea from somewhere, or did it truly originate within you without external influence?

I was around 16 when I really started thinking of a possibility of being with him, and I truly knew and understood the ramifications of such a taboo topic. It scared me but it also made sense to me. When I was 14 and 15 I was already tired of boys who didn't know how to respect a girl. My first sex experience was horrible and painful. My next boyfriend was also just as bad. I did experiment with girls as well, and although it was fun, it wasn't for me. And through all of this, dad was there. He was always showing my mother how much he loves her, and I always felt loved and protected by him. So I guess it was external influences by just being around him and it was easy to think of him as more than my father, but it took over a year to put those thoughts in any sort of order. And this was long before I even approached him, which took a lot of guts and rehearsing over and over what I would say to him.


FME: Sounds like if someone were to accuse him of having groomed you to think of having sex with him, they’d be wrong, then? He wasn’t making a deliberate effort to sexualize you?

They would be totally wrong! He did nothing to start this relationship. I thought of it, planned it and overcame so much fear to approach him. He had no idea at all.


FME: He was reluctant?

It was incredibly scary. The idea of asking him to be more than just my father was huge at the time. I had to be very careful with my words, and I made my intentions known. I didn't use the word "sex" once, but "intimacy." I didn't get graphic or anything like that, because honestly, I still had a doubt myself that this would even proceed. He was shocked and very reluctant, but what was so relieving was his cool attitude. He didn't freak out, but listened to me. I still felt respected, not rejected. We talked about why such a relationship wouldn't work, talked about society's views, talked about being found out. We also talked about cheating.

What made me want to proceed despite his reluctance was how he looked at me with such love. I could see it in his eyes that he had a small interest. I had clearly shocked him, but I also got his curiosity going a bit. So I took another chance and decided to entice him a little bit. I would hug him a bit longer, leave a hand on his shoulder, things like that. I had it in my mind that this could work, but really carefully.


FME: Can you describe what you experienced and felt when it finally happened?

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Dad came to me and suggested that with mom being out, maybe we could go to my room and see what could happen between us, maybe take our relationship somewhere else. I almost freaked out! I was suddenly so scared. But under that fear, I felt so excited. I had a man who I trusted totally, loved completely and who showed me so much respect and love, not like previous boys. We went to my room and had a "what do we do now?" moment. Silly and funny all at once.

We touched and explored each other for a long time. Dad said it was an hour, It was way longer than that. Dad mentioned that I cry a lot. That's very true. Happy or not, there are tears. I was so scared and nervous yet so relaxed and calm over all of this. It felt natural. My orgasm brought more tears, of relief, of fear, of joy, a whole mix of emotions. My brain was working overtime not fully registering what was going on yet completely understanding that this was my dad with his hands on me, and eventually inside me. I cried when he had his orgasm because the weight involved of knowing that he finished inside me, and the potential problems I thought of at the time, yet I felt at peace because it was my dad, the one man who would protect me forever.

We held each other after we finished and he let me cry. He was really concerned that he had hurt me and that we had gone way too far and was getting apologetic but I told him that I wanted this and I needed time to think things through. What does bother me to this day was that while we were making love, I didn't even think of my mother and the possible hurt we could cause her if she ever found out about us. You mentioned the cheating aspect of our relationship and I agree with you in that. As I said before, I do have a selfish streak.

Our second time together was two months later and it was as wonderful and scary as the first time.


FME: When your now-husband met you, this was a part of you. It’s just that he didn’t know it was or is. Do you think he’s benefited, in addition to having children?

That is a good question. I believe that he has definitely benefited, despite what has actually happened without his knowing. He is in a loving relationship with someone who has way more confidence than ever. He has two children he adores. Despite them not being his, his not knowing is benefiting him and his confidence because he was concerned that he was at fault that we weren't able to conceive together. I truly love him and how he looks after me and the kids. He's an amazing father and parent. He is a great provider for us. And before I forget, he's also a fantastic lover!


FME: Would you be upset if you found out he was having sex with a close relative of his? What if at least one of your children, when of age, wanted to be with you or your husband? Or your kids wanted to be with each other, at least sexually. Would you be opposed to either of those, neutral, supportive? And why?

Another good question. I would be slightly upset in that he didn't tell me and kept it a secret but I look at myself and the secret I keep from him so it would be very selfish of me to even consider that. Our kids are very little. I haven't had thoughts like that of who they might want to be with and such but I would hope that they would have the confidence to know that whatever or whoever they want to be with, family or not, would be a loving, consensual and nurturing relationship and that we would support them fully. There would have to be some long conversations like what my dad and I went through before we began together as that is also necessary. The why is because everyone has the right to love someone and despite what the world thinks, some relationships are worth taking a risk over.

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This is almost the most taboo things can get between consenting adults, because on top of the cheating, consanguineous sex between father and daughter gets, perhaps, the most prejudice, and even people willing to concede that consenting adults who aren't cheating should be allowed their sex lives might still object to them having children.

Morality aside, one of the problems with cheating is that being discovered by your partner(s) can be disastrous, and when your relationship is still criminalized where you are, an angry, scorned partner might involve law enforcement. If you want to live out a polyamorous life, this might help.

One thing this interview makes clear is that just because someone appears to be (or actually is) in a happy "regular" relationship, even a longtime marriage, doesn't mean they don't have sex with a close relative. It is happening everywhere. It is happening somewhere not too far from where you are right now.

In general, there's no good reason to criminalize or discriminate against consanguinamorous relationships, and removing unjust laws and stigmas will reduce cheating. We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a consanguineous and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.
If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.

Thank you to Anonymous Daughter for doing this interview! We hope that your consanguinamorous
intergenerational relationship doesn't end up hurting your husband or mother, who are the innocent bystanders. We wish things were different so that there was no cheating involved and everyone who wants to be together could be so without hiding, but that's not where we are yet and that's not how things were done, but we can still learn from what has happened.

UPDATE December 28, 2020