When An Older Partner Struggles Emotionally

There's this "ideal" that's perpetrated by what I'd call the relationship police of a man and a woman of the same race, background, and age, or maybe with the man being a couple of years older, marrying, staying monogamous, staying sexually active with each other, raising their two joint children (the only children they ever have) together, then happily growing old together and dying within a few years of each other.

This does happen.

It is not the life story of most people, though. It isn't even necessarily what most people want for themselves.

Some people are gay.
Some people don't want to get married.
Some people don't want children or can't have them.
Some people want more children.
Some people prefer an older lover.
Some people prefer a younger lover.
Some people prefer someone of a different race.
Some people are polyamorous.
Some people have open marriages.
Some people get married more than once.
Some people are asexual.
Some people die well before reaching the average life expectancy.

The variations are almost endless.

Optimistically, the divorce rate for first marriages is as low as 30 percent. Additional marriages have a higher rate of divorce. Some people don't divorce, but their marriage is not a happy, functional one. Those are just the ones who make it to marriage. There are relationships that last for years, and might involve living together, major joint purchases, and children, but they have a breakup rate much higher than first marriages. And then there are the people struggling to even get a relationship going.

I don't write this to be depressing.

I write this to point out that if lovers...

1) are mutually attracted
2) treat each other right
3) don't have major goals in conflict and are otherwise broadly compatible

...they have hit paydirt. Paydirt isn't so easy to find.


These are things that the older partner(s) in an intergenerational relationship have to keep in mind when they worry that they are keeping the younger partner(s) from having a "normal" life. "If I ended this, he/she would find a socially-approved spouse and have a normal, lifelong, happy marriage with that person." It isn't necessarily so. In fact, the odds are against it.

Don't let the possibility of what society portrays as perfect and normal destroy something that's wonderful that already exists.

There is no normal life in this regard.

Read that again as many times as you need to. There... is... no... normal... life... in... this... regard.

If you want to be together, be together! Don't deprive yourself, and don't deprive them.

This is a common issue in consanguinamorous relationships that are intergenerational or have a significant age gap (which can include siblings or half siblings). But, you care about each other. What awaits them "out there" might not fit your dreamy hopes for your loved one. What might await them is a string of partners who are abusive or don't really care about them.

Jane Doe recently posted an entry on her blog about avoiding the pitfalls of intergenerational consanguinamory, and having been the younger partner in an intergenerational consanguinamorous relationship, she writes with authority.

However, it does not take into account that the young adult in question undoubtedly has a mind of his or her own, and is very much capable of deciding who they wish to share their life with. If he or she did not want to be there, they wouldn’t be, it’s as simple as that.

Yes! The younger person is old enough to join the military and go to war, sign contracts to take on enormous debts, receive a severe criminal sentence, operate heavy machinery, choose major elective surgery, and consent to group sex with strangers, but isn't able to decide for themselves if their relationship with someone older than them is right for them? Nonsense.

Now then, how does this all tie into the subject of this blog? It is relevant to parent/offspring couples. More times than I’d care to mention, I’ve had messages in my inbox from distraught young people wondering why their parent is having such difficulty understanding why they want to be in the relationship when the parent often isn’t in the position to offer late night parties, or even why the offspring may sacrifice some of their wants to remain in the relationship with them. I’ve also had messages from parents who doubt the wisdom of these relationships for all these reasons.

I get those, too. The partner who'd be the older one hesitates to start, or doubts continuing, because they worry. They're letting worry steal away their happiness and that of their partner(s).

When the quality and depth of that love make the relationship absolutely irreplaceable (and that is almost invariably the case for consang couples), most people would go pretty damn far to ensure that they put their partner first, and young adult offspring are no exception. So, if you’re a parent reading this who has some serious self-doubts about whether or not the relationship you have is good for your son or daughter, consider that if it wasn’t good for them, they wouldn’t be with you, they’d be with someone else already. If they make a sacrifice for you, it’s because they love you much more than you might have realized. You cannot be replaced in their life. 

Speaking as a daughter, whose dad broke up with her because of these very issues… please listen to me seriously. You aren’t harming your offspring by holding them back or stopping them from doing anything they really want to do: they made a conscious choice to be with you. That choice was based on love, so, as long as you’re as happy with them as they are with you, accept their choice and their expressions of love, and just enjoy being together. They won’t benefit from you breaking up with them, I know this from experience. I’m not just speaking about the initial emotional distress from a breakup (everyone who has had a relationship end has gone through that), I mean the longer term impact. Things like trying to fit into the regular world as a full consang, knowing that you could never love another as you did your parent. For me the sense of loss was enormous. As I said, you are not as replaceable as you think. Just bear all of this in mind before making any rash decisions.

Read the whole thing.

As Jane points out, in a relationship, each person makes choices. And sometimes, those choices mean sacrificing something for something else a person wants more. A common understanding polyamorous people have is that no one person provides everything to another. One need not be polyamorous to accept this. Yes, if a younger partner is monogamous, then as long as they are with the older partner, they will not have a partner around their own age. And usually, that's OK! (Although, if you mutually agree that some form of ethical nonmonogamy is OK and would work for you, the younger partner can also have a partner their own age, provided they can find the right person, given the circumstances.)

If you have found love, especially what we call double love, embrace it. Cherish it. Love one another and respect your partner(s) to make their own decisions. Don't be afraid to talk with them about their dreams, goals, and desires. Support them in those things in so far as you can. If you tell them about your own doubts and worries, listen to what they have to say in response. Do not wallow in those doubts and worries. Express them, then drop them. Do not allow those worries to ruin what you have together. Do not let something that might (and might not!) happen decades from now prevent you and your lover(s) from enjoying what you already have right now.

For many people in a consanguinamorous relationship, it is the best one they could ever have. This is especially so for those who are consanguinamorous in their orientation. Do not end it or avoid it to try to make them settle for something less suitable to them that is more "acceptable" to larger society.

Need to talk with someone about this?

Also, as always, you can comment below, including anonymously.

Previously:

Intergenerational Relationships Can Work

Intergenerational Relationships Aren't Inherently Abusive