More Honesty and More Love

In “Polyamour: A Soulful Slant on Multiple Sexual Lovestyles,” the writer says she has “practiced serial monogamy my whole adult life.” But she was given something to think about whiled reading Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners by Deborah Anapol, PhD.

“The original meaning of monogamy was to mate and be sexually exclusive for life. Divorcing and remarrying was originally called serial polygamy, not serial monogamy,” explains Dr. Anapol. Thanks to her clarification, I may not become polyamorous. I already am. There, I’ve said it.

What I’ve now really learned from my experience and Deborah’s book is that love—indefinable, sacrosanct and eternal—is hardly synonymous with monogamy or commitment. “To me, faithfulness has more to do with honesty, respect, and loyalty,” she writes. “And commitment is about keeping agreements. Somehow we’ve really gotten confused when relations that include secret extramarital affairs are considered monogamous and those that end in divorce are considered committed monogamous marriages.”

As my readers know, I support the freedom to divorce as part of the freedom to marry, but I do find it strange when someone claims to be monogamous, says everyone should be monogamous, criticizes polyamorous people (and same-sex relationships, to boot), and yet has cheated on at least one spouse and gone through multiple marriages and divorces. There are prominent public figures in the US like this.

Who amongst us, those reading within and in protest to the poly lifestyle, because it’s a lovestyle that still rankles the establishment, can honestly say that they’ve only ever loved one person—in their whole entire lives? I can’t.

Put aside an American propensity and fascination with extra-marital affairs, and consider just what’s going on in our hearts. If you add up all the times you’ve fallen in love, whether or not simultaneously, and include deep affection beyond sexual partners, it’s easier to incorporate a broader definition of multiple loves. Platonic love, all the tenderness you have for friends, family, current and past lovers, children and charges in your care, amounts to a whole lotta devotion, which makes you one polyamorous posse of hearts, minds and bodies, intertwined by a common humanity and need for connection.

Polyamorous people, who acually discuss with each other and give each other what they need and want rather than cheating or abandoning or being miserable and making everyone else miserable, are handling things in a better way than the person who will not be monogamous, yet pledges to be anyway.