Barbara Kay Doesn't Like Polyamorists

With Polycon underway and in the news, Barbara Kay at nationalpost.com decided write and let the world know that she thinks being polyamorous makes you immoral and promiscuous (and being promiscuous is very bad). However, she never bothers to cite exactly what is wrong with enjoying loving relationships or sex with more than one person. She probably doesn't care that some polyamorists will have fewer sexual partners over their lifetime than many people who claim to be monogamous.

Should we be surprised that “polyamorists” — mixed-sex threesomes or foursomes in open “relationships” — have come out of the closet, clamouring for their slice of the matrimonial pie?

No, you shouldn't. It's called treating adults as adults.

Two Different Themes Lumped Together

Liana Maeby at hitfix.com appears to be keeping track of depictions or implications of "incest" on television, DVD, and cinema. I recently blogged about another listing she did, and here's her most recent listing.  (SPOILERS for Game of Thrones, Bates Motel, True Blood, The Last Days of Anne Boleyn, The Avengers 2 and Behind the Candelabra might be at that link and below.)

 

Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch

More on Being Attracted to Family

Ken Eisold, PhD, wrote about something we covered earlier: recent evidence about being attracted to the appearance of family members that can manifest in our attraction to people who aren’t family members, but resemble family members.

There is other evidence for this tendency -- as well as parallel perspectives. Neuroscientists now understand that the brain organizes input according to pre-existing categories. So the earlier experiences we all had with caregivers - those who were present and active in caring for us as children - become the templates for later relationships. That may be why, as Professor Fraley put it, we are drawn to others who resemble our kin.

Psychoanalysts have called this tendency "transference," since it seems that attachments to earlier figures in our lives are transferred to current figures with whom we are deeply engaged. That's why the people with whom we fall in love tend to resemble parental figures. That also helps to explain why we reproduce parental expectations in our relationships with the therapists we come to trust and on whom we depend.

So far, so good.

But those attachments can also become frightening if they are too intense or if they tempt us into actions that conflict with adult responsibilities. It is touching for a daughter to say she wants to marry her daddy when she grows up, but it would be shocking for her daddy to encourage those feelings and criminal to exploit them.

Yes, if a parent of a minor child grooms that child for abuse or emotional dependency, that’s horrible. But if not, and that child returns home with eyes wide open having seen what’s out in the world, and as and adult that child chooses to enter into a new level of relationship with a parent, that’s not a problem.

CPAA Polycon Gets Coverage

Joseph Brean reported at nationalpost.com on Polycon, which is taking place in British Columbia this week. It is the first national conference in Canada, hosted by the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association.

LYLE STAFFORD / Postmedia News file 
CPAA director Zoe Duff is in a “triad,” as she put it, living with two men for the past five years. They all date other people, but the triad is the core.

Sessions at Polycon, as it is billed, focus on legal issues, networking, managing jealousy, “poly-feminism,” and a report based on interviews with both new and more experienced attendees of a polyamorous “sauna night” at a Toronto home.

Sounds like a great conference.

One session describes how to set up a “line family,” described by Richard Gilmore and Elon de Arcana as “a multi-generation poly family that adds new, generally younger, members as the older members pass on or members depart. In this way the family never ends and family investments, businesses and property holdings continue to increase in value. This provides a stable environment and good economic start for children and a secure retirement for older members of the family.

While we wait for full marriage equality, polyamorous people should use whatever legal and financial mechanisms ethically acceptable to protect and provide for themselves and their families.

Like other niche communities, judgmentalism and moral superiority abounds among polyamorists, and minor differences are elevated to wedge issues. 

That is the subject of one talk, by life coach Samantha Fraser, is how not to be a “Poly Elite Douchenozzle.”

“In any pond, there’s people who are going to be, ‘I do it better than you,’” said Zoe Duff, a director of CPAA. “Within the poly community, there are people who think that you need to do it this way, and there’s people who think you need to do it another way.”

Yes, the "poly community" is widely diverse. They only thing uniting all poly people is that they are in, or oriented to, relationships in which there are ultimately at least three people involved. With diversity in what polyamory "looks like," in addition to philosophical, socioeconomic, political, religious, etc. differences, there are going to be conflicts.

The article includes some negativity, but overall it is good to see some coverage of this conference.

GSA Movie Planned

It sounds like a movie with Genetic Sexual Attraction as a plot element is in the works. At http://screendaily.com, Geoffrey Macnab reports...

Maipo Films (the outfit behind Liv Ullmann’s Miss Julie) is pushing ahead with new incest drama Hjemlengsel and has attached newcomer Ine Wilman as star.

Of course, "incest drama" can mean a movie about sexual assault or molestation, so I was wary, but I kept reading...

Hjemlengsel is the story of an unhappily married dance instructor who discovers she has a brother. The problem arises when she falls in love with him.
“It has some of the same tone as Happy Happy,” Hørsdal said.

Sounds like GSA to me, and probably sounds very familiar to some people who have had experiences like this in their life. It will be directed by Anne Sewitsky, who won at Sundance for "Happy Happy." The budget will be about $4,000,000.

Consanguinamory, whether initiated through Genetic Sexual Attraction or not, is a topic that can provide compelling drama as well as comedy, and can do so with realistic portrayals based on relationships that do actually exist. There will be people uncomfortable with the topic, most of them because they haven't allowed themselves to seriously consider such portrayals, instead seeing only negative or horror-based depictions.

Some movie maker needs to talk with Diane Rinella about adapting her novel.

Taking Prejudice to a Whole New Level

Actors get typecast, or some people identify an actor with one role so much that it interferes with appreciating that actor in a different roles. Amanda Dobbins wrote a piece I found at vulture.com titled "The Divergent–Fault in Our Stars Fake Incest Problem" in which she has trouble accepting casting choices because two actors who played sibling characters in a trilogy will be playing unrelated characters in another production who, at some point, are "making out."

We understand that these are made-up characters in a made-up movie and nothing untoward is actually happening, but still: This is a strange decision. Of all the possible teen actors (and there are so many, according to the fan blogs), why would you choose the one guy who is already playing your lead actress's brother in another high-profile YA franchise? It is hard enough to forget an actor's résumé under normal circumstances; now we have to bring fake incest into this?

My guess is that the people who made the casting decisions made them based on the needs of the the current production.

It makes all four (five, probably) movies ickier, for no obvious reason other than "we liked this guy, too."
Okay, icky is a bit immature.

Yes. It is.

Here's one of the better comments left by a reader...

spage6

John himself address this in a video. He said something along the lines of, 'You don't watch Silver Linings Playbook and wonder what Katniss is doing in a suburb of Philadelphia.' He also says they work well together. Probably because they already know each other. They are actors. They act!

Actors are playing roles, usually roles written by other people. This is why someone can play a soldier in one movie and conscientious objector in another movie. Furthermore, most fictional characters do some things the writers and actors who bring them to life haven't personally done or wouldn't do.

It's sad that someone is so prejudiced against consanguinamory that they project their prejudice onto nonexistent relationships between fictional characters. Who watched Bernard Hill's character in "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" and couldn't accept him because they had seen his character in "Titanic?" Then, to actually bother to express to the world a personal unease or disgust over the situation is just... well, it is hurtful. That brings me to why I bring this up, in addition to the fact that actors need to make a living and do so playing different roles. There are actors, and there are audience members, who have had actual relationships with close relatives that include romance and sexual contact. Some of those relationships are ongoing. They face enough prejudice, often including discriminatory laws, without people going out of their way to basically say "Ewww, gross!" Not everyone is going to want the same love life as everyone else. Let's have a little more sensitivity for consanguiamorous people and reason and respect for actors.

What Really Happened in Pender County North Carolina?

Something is rotten in North Carolina. What, exactly, remains to be seen. Something terrible has happened, but I'm not sure if it because some allegations are true or because they false.

Christina Haley reported at portcitydaily.com several days ago...

Detectives with the Pender County Sheriff’s Office are searching a father and daughter wanted for incest.

That's how the article opens. Based on that alone, it sounds like they are wanted for consensual adult incest with each other, which shouldn't a be a crime in the first place.

Robert Earley [address redacted] is charged with incest against a child who is 13, 14 or 15 years old and defendant is at least six years older than the child when the incest occurred, Detective Sgt. John Leatherwood said. He is also charged with statutory rape/sex offense where the defendant is at least six years older than the child, negligent child abuse involving serious injury, and incest.

Serious charges. If someone preys on a child, they should be locked up in a bad place for a very long time.

Natalie Earley, who lives in the same home with her father, is also charged with incest.

Hmmm. Comparing the charges against her to the charges against him, it would seem to me that the charge against her deals with consensual adult incest, since she isn't charged with abusing a child. If that is so, she shouldn't be facing any charges. He's 51, she's 25.

The story was also reported at wect.com and then more information was presented in this report by Sarah Murphy at wwaytv3.com...

When WWAY drove by the home where investigators say Robert and Natalie used to live, Robert's mother and one of his daughters were home and spoke to us.

They say the allegations Pender County has charged Robert and Natalie with stem from a custody battle Robert and his estranged wife are having over their five-year-old son. As far as the family is concerned, Robert and Natalie are both innocent.

Ah. The plot thickens. Do some people abuse children? Yes. Do some people in custody disputes make false allegations of child abuse? Yes. Do family members of people who are facing criminal charges swear their loved ones are innocent even if they aren't? Yes. So... we still don't know for sure what is going on here. But read on...

Coming Out as Polyamorous to Potential Partners

Anna Pulley, RedEye's sex columnist at redeyechicago.com, answered a question about coming out as poly to potential dates...

I'm wondering when is the best time, and how, to tell a prospective dating person that you are in a polyamorous relationship. Obviously before any physicality, but in a more granular sense, when? Call, text, first date?--Poly Wanna Answer

Unless someone has met in forum or context that implies their relationship orientation, nobody should make assumptions either way. It should not be assumed that someone is monogamous or looking for monogamy, nor should it be assumed someone is polyamorous or looking for polyamory.

The answer...

There’s a delicate balance when you’re first dating someone of what to disclose and what not to. You want to be honest and upfront, but you also want to respect the “getting to know you” process, which can be upset by Big Conversations too early.

I see nothing wrong with bringing up on a first date why you are dating. In fact, I think it is a good idea. The discussion doesn't have to be serious or drawn out. Here's an example...

Consanguinamory as Entertainment

Liana Maeby wrote at hitfix.com, providing spoilers galore about some television shows and other entertainment, including Bates Motel and The Borgias.

I previously blogged about The Borgias with spoilers here.

Credit: A&E

When last we spoke of incest, rumors were circulating about the decades-long affair between Jaime and Cersei on "Game of Thrones" and Norma was inserting herself deeper and deeper into her son's life on "Bates Motel." Also, half of Iceland began taking precautionary measures to ensure they weren't accidentally banging their cousins. A whole week has gone by since then, and it has brought with it many more gifts of incestuous content. Here's all the latest on the last taboo.

Collections like this are often presented as "isn't this an outrageous trend," but the truth is, people are fascinated by the topic.

As can be seen with this collection, consensual incest is presented as something shocking or indicative or something being wrong with the people involved.

The truth, though, is that there are good citizens, good neighbors, good people who have had, or are in, consanguinamorous relationships that are happy, healthy, and fulfilling, where the biggest problems are the prejudice they face or did face.

These topics have always been a part of literature and theater, and our media and entertainment should present a balanced depiction of the topic.

Two Men Still Denied the Freedom to Marry

Slowly, the (limited) same-sex freedom to marry is being won in more states in the US, and in countries around the world. But there are gay couples who still face discrimination and a denial of their right to marry. This is one reason why we need full marriage equality.

“Anonymous” is a gay man who would marry the love of his life, a bisexual man, if he could. But he can’t, because that man he’s sharing his life with is his brother.

Here’s the interview. Some of the language is descriptive of sex.

[This interview is  being bumped up on the blog in honor of more states adopting the limited same-gender freedom to marry.]

ENDA Should Be More Inclusive

I haven't forgotten about ENDA. So I'm bumping up and updating this...

Unless you lead a very sheltered life, you have to have heard about the struggles many LGBT people face because of prejudice about their orientation or identity. You can see some of the same struggles expressed when it comes to people who are experiencing GSA or FSA or Poly people also face hostility and persecution simply for being who they are, including being shunned by relatives and fired from their jobs.

Just look at what Polly wrote…

I've lost several family members who have burst into angry flames upon coming out to them as poly…I worry that I will burst into happy tears upon actually finding someone who is kind to me, but that they will run away the instant they see the great gaping hole of hurt that has been left in my heart after the horrific coming out process I've had. Run away! Run away! Crazy, lonely Poly Mom wants to talk to you!!

Reading her blog, I could see she’s an intelligent, responsible, caring person. And yet she because she loves more than one person, she has been rejected by family. We’re not talking about cheating behind a spouse’s back. Everyone involved in the relationships are aware and consenting. Drop the hate.

While the proposed Employment Non-Discrimination Act can do little to directly improve family acceptance, at least it will protect people in the workplace. There has been some dispute over whether ENDA should include protections for the transgendered or just sexual orientation protection. I think it should take an approach that is more inclusive in general, protecting people from workplace discrimination on the basis of not only their gender identity, but their wider sexual identity. An employer should not be able to fire someone because their consensual sex life, living arrangements, or marital status – period.

Rant of the Day

This comes from a bright, beautiful, friendly woman...

Am sick of society and its bigoted misinformed opinion about our type of relationships. We have two beautiful children together, but they face immense stigma and we face prison and having them taken away if the truth ever came out...just my little rant for the day ;)

She and her brother were brought together by what was likely Genetic Sexual Attraction, and they are now a happy couple with healthy, adorable children together.




Wouldn't it be a miscarriage of justice to force them apart? Isn't it ridiculous that, not only can they not legally marry, but they have to hide their love for each other? Something is very wrong when we have laws and stigmas against lovers like these.

We're working to change that, and change is happening. You may live next to a family like this and not even know it. Consanguinamorous people are literally everywhere.

Thanks to all who support relationship rights and full marriage equality for all.