An Additional Perspective on Mothers and Sons

 

If you're a regular visitor to Full Marriage Equality, you are familiar with the many interviews posted here with people who are in, or have been in, "forbidden" relationships. This time, we present an interview with someone who has extensive knowledge of, and experience counseling people regarding, familial affection, especially between mothers and sons. He brings his own, distinct perspective.

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FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

David: I'm a 50 year old Asian American man, college and self educated. Heterosexual. I'm both employed and self-employed. I am a spiritualist but I have also explored many religions and I have great respect for people's faiths in what I do. I have multiple income streams. I currently reside in the Western United States. 

In high school, I accidentally discovered that my best friend had a special relationship with his mother and his father was supportive of the situation due to the extenuating circumstances. That shook my thinking out of the box and I have been looking for the truth ever since. I've done collegiate level studies on my own, simply meaning I used collegiate resources  but didn't seek collegiate recognition for my research, and I have spoken to many families and mothers about my ideas. Take that how you will.

FME: So, you know what it's like to be a boy and become a young man. There's much talk these days about young men being "lost.” What do you think about that? 

I think the general sense of society is now waking up to the down side of liberal aspects of society that have dominated for the last 40 years or so culminating in the current "Hookup Culture." Most professionals can't admit that there are both pros and cons to what these conditions have brought to us as a society. I'm not going to go into the big dissertation about this nor am I credentialed as a sociological or psychological expert.  I'll just say this: one glaring side effect is that life has become unbearably difficult and inconsistent for young men at a time in their lives when they are the most unsure of themselves and how to find their place in the world. It feels like trying to throw a ball into a hoop while blindfolded, the hoop is moving and changing direction at random in a 720-degree world and you're not even sure if the ball is smaller than the hoop.

First of all, let me say this: I'm NOT saying that men or women are better. People have forgotten that we are human beings first and foremost. Today's mainstream has made one small tangent the entire context of the news cycle. I just remember this through all the noise: In nearly every human culture historically, there is the concept of balance, of yin and yang. Neither is better than the other and BOTH are equally necessary. Not EQUAL. but equally NECESSARY. That's the difference that people need to keep in mind. Black and white, hot and cold, wet and dry, up and down, masculine and feminine. The only thing that matters is what is empirically, dispassionately, repeatedly TRUE. If it works, it works.

FME: What unique role can mothers play in helping their sons become good men rather than "lost boys"? 

Well, to start, think about the untenable and precarious position we put our young men in. Honestly, I think it's great that modern ideas have celebrated and in many ways empowered women to embrace their transformation into self-aware and empowered women, but this progressive thinking has not made the same strides in evolving in how to raise young men. Biologically, they are becoming adults, their bodies are kicking into overdrive preparing to become physically strong hard-working men. Yet, our social and medical advances have elongated our timelines tremendously so everything is drawn out. Childhood, adolescence, adulthood/middle age, etc.

It's one thing when the average lifespan was 48 like in Shakespeare's time. Now we're having larger and larger numbers of people hitting their centennial birthdays! Yet, we're still running the same basic genetic clocks as we were before. Society has constructed a world out of phase with our biology and normally, we have social constructs to bridge those gaps: birth control, public and private schools, etc. Again, a much bigger topic than the question at hand.

So dialing in on young men only, we have these young men who are biologically supposed to be out looking for mates and procreating - which is how our species survived long enough to have a Renaissance, an Industrial Revolution and survive into the Information Age - but socially, are put into a position where such behaviors are punished rather than rewarded. Teen pregnancies and STDs bring consequences that limit or ruin the life trajectories of those individuals - male and female - if this happens to them. So in the context of boys, I believe that loving mothers are in a unique situation to help their sons cope with and learn about becoming a man and his place in the world. Not just her wisdom and experience, but her femininity and her yin energy are needed. For those of you that might be bristling, gay young men are a more nuanced situation but can be resolved just as amiably.

So what am I specifically talking about? These young men are being affected deeply by the raging amount of growth hormones in their bloodstreams and not just the testosterone. Human beings, especially males, thrive in adversity. So the proper context I believe needed for young men are in ALL areas of development.

Physical: these young men need to exercise, work out, play sports - individual sports like tennis or running; or team sports. The muscles, bones, lungs, etc. all need to be pushed to grow stronger, bigger, faster, etc.

Intellectual: most of society has this dialed in with school. Any type of intellectual learning is good and why there are so many literacy and reading programs because reading is the skill of self-directed life-long learning and intellectual enrichment (props to Levar Burton).

Spiritual: This is the time and need for the development of character and integrity. These attributes ARE spiritual muscles that need to be developed through repetitive use and improvement. Whether based in religion or other spiritual beliefs, the important thing is for the young man to develop and understanding of the two-way responsibility between self and community.

Emotional: these young men are transitioning into adulthood and need to develop the emotional intelligence to understand that their emotions are an enhancement of their intellect. It is the fourth dimension where their logic and intellect is bridged to their character and integrity. The skill is to not be ruled by your emotions but to be enhanced by them.

And lastly, Sexually: these young men will NEVER sufficiently burn through their hormones just doing the things above. Exercise, reading, studying, community or charity work, etc. is only the beginning. They have a deep reserve of hormones left at the end of the day for their biological imperative after all that work, right? So how does modern life construct an adaptation for this aspect? Society has shown that abstinence is neither practical nor effective. Even grown adults whom have experienced a dry spell or a sexless marriage knows that the normalized expectation of "just go take care of it" or "just rub one out" is woefully insufficient over time. The Law of Diminishing Returns is especially in full effect here.

So, what to do? What does your maternal instinct tell you he needs? Are you being honest? Would a handjob be sufficient? Maybe, but if effective, for how long? Because empirically and mechanically, how is that different in meeting his needs than doing it himself, which we argued above isn't effective long term. So what is needed? At a minimum, instinctively, oral releases would begin to reach the visceral release he needs to burn off those hormones and pull back the brain fog those hormones have him swimming in.

After his mother gives him his first effective release, she should watch the change. His ability to focus, to be creative in his thinking and his mood along with his ability to self motivate all go up. Personally, I think the improvements would make any parent happy and proud. But, of course, those hormones are ever present (as they should be) and will build up again and the maintenance of his sexual needs should be a part of a mother helping her son develop his potential into real skills and achievements. Just as no mother ever thinks "Geez, again?!  You just ate this morning!", right? You never begrudge him the increases in volume and frequency of his hunger, right? You just feed him, and you feed him MORE as he's growing and needs more to eat. If you don't think twice about that, why are you faulting him for these sexual needs or needing relief routinely? How is it different from a mother's standpoint? Will some mothers give full intercourse? Yes. But that is an individual choice. There are several sociological and psychological contexts needed to make it all part of a young man's healthy development. Just like blind feeding (junk food, spoiled food, contaminated food) is not good. Blind catering to sexual needs is the same. Context must always be towards the development of a healthy, happy, respectful, well-adjusted and contributing member of society for the benefit of the individual, society at large and the future generations of our community and nation or world.

FME: But aren't we told that's wrong? Unnatural? would that make her a bad mother? Will that "mess up" the son? 

Yes, we're told it's wrong by a society built on social control and the taboo is completely man-made. Is it unnatural? I don't believe so considering that sexual intercourse with family members happens all the time in nature (read The Myth of Monogamy for scientific references). Also, speaking directly to mothers, look deeply into your maternal instincts. Does it feel unnatural? There is always the fear of social perception yet if you break it down, when have the complexities of human behavior ever been able to be labeled into a one-size-fits-all construct?

Does abuse exist? Absolutely and we should all resist and deter it. However, saying all sexual activity between family members is abuse is like saying all sexual activity between heterosexual people is rape. I think there are nuances that are being labelled over, don't you? In the past, there are psychologists whom have noticed that there is a gaslighting effect that can happen. The example used was that a brother and sister were found to be having sexual intercourse recreationally. The parents freaked out, called the authorities, the children were separated, individually interrogated by the police, then interviewed by court appointed psychologists, etc.. The entire time, the girl was referred to and talked to as "the victim". Her brother was talked to, treated as, and literally called "the abuser". Is it any wonder that the girl started to feel like a victim and ended up hating her brother and her childhood for the rest of her life? Or is it any surprise that the brother hated himself and made several attempts at suicide when his sister never wanted to see or speak to him again? In my opinion, that's literally gaslighting at its horrifying best.

What I propose is to leave ALL preconceived ideas outside and just look at the individual situation - full family or single parent or whatever it may be. Who are they to each other? What circumstances do they live in and what does and/or will work for them to make things better? If whatever happens works for them, makes their lives better and does not affect others, why is it anyone's business but theirs?

Does this make her a bad mother? How can a mother who's doing her best, including being willing to defy the taboos of a society that doesn't give a crap about her son's individual well-being (just need him to work and pay taxes) and doesn't care if he succeeds or fails in life, etc.; how can she be a bad mother when she DOES care about his well-being and success? She is doing this FOR his well-being and success in life. And as I argued above, if done in the context of love and helping him cope with this difficult stage in his life, it can be a very positive thing. Can it mess him up? Yes, but mainly only if he lets society's prejudices tell him he's messed up and he chooses to believe that lie. But for those who are confident in their upbringing because they KNOW everything is done in love; if he chooses gratitude rather than guilt or shame, society can't gaslight him into victimhood.

FME: How do you know this works? 

I've been on a constant journey to learn about this. I've kept my eyes and ears open for hints of families that have come to this methodology on their own and many have been gracious enough to share with me their lessons learned over the years. And, I've shared what I have learned and observed with select families and single parents (moms) my thoughts and observations and left the choice up to them. And if they chose this path, I kept in touch, and both offered advice as they figured things out for themselves and I learned from their shared experiences. I only continue to advocate and offer this as an option because it works.

FME: "What are signs I should initiate this with my son? How should I initiate this? What would I say to his father? What would I say to my boyfriend/his stepfather?"

In general, the signs will be the usual problems most families complain about their young men: moody, angst-ridden, lazy, withdrawn, mercurial, too aggressive, etc.. These are all effects of emotional and physical frustration due to the hormonal changes. These young men need guidance in helping them understand what they are experiencing and helping them develop healthy habits in meeting their needs. 

 

There are a myriad of ways to approach this topic with a spouse or boyfriend but it largely depends on the temperament, mindset and cultural backgrounds of the people involved. Most women have a general idea of how to broach difficult subjects with their significant other but if you need help, please reach out to Keith and he can tell you how to reach me for coaching help if he isn't the right person to talk with.

FME: "What are signs I shouldn’t do this?"

If your son does not respect you as an authority figure, then this technique will not work. In fact, going forward with this method will only make matters worse as you condition your son to treat you (and by proxy all women) as sexual objects to be used as needed. Also, if you are "late to the game" and your son is already dating aggressively and using girls for his own gratification, you should not proceed with this method because he will only apply the same callous attitude towards what you are offering. Please remember that, like other types of relationships, sex is not a universal cure (though it may feel like it at times), but rather it is an amplifier. It makes good relationships better (more positive) and it makes bad relationships more toxic.

FME: "I’m not sexually attracted to my son/I don’t think of him in a sexual way/the thought of him being sexual bothers me. So I shouldn’t do anything with him, right?"

If that is how you feel, then it is up to you whether or not you proceed. But then again, you never hesitated to take care of his other needs, did you? Were diaper changes only when you felt like handling poopy diapers? Did you feed him only when YOU were hungry and it was convenient? Did you buy him clothes or shoes only when you had spent enough money on yourself first?  Your son is developing RAPIDLY into a sexual being whether you choose to acknowledge that or not.

FME: "He’s had some struggles, but he hasn’t expressed sexual interest in me, so I shouldn’t consider this option, right?"

Considering the prejudices of society, and a lifetime of society assuming that NO mother would ever consider doing this for her son (regardless of how much it would help him), is it any wonder why he might not even consider it a possibility, much less consider the probability of asking and receiving this type of help? Remember, you are not offering to be his girlfriend or lover. Your mindset is that of a mother who is continuing to take care of her son's/sons' needs as he evolves into an adult until he finds his future spouse.

FME: Let’s talk about abuse. Some will read this and their knee-jerk reaction will be that this is promoting abuse by mothers. How is this different and distinguished from abuse? How can a mother be confident she wouldn’t be abusing, but rather interacting positively?

We are socially conditioned to have this response because it enforces the taboo. The assumption of abuse is as ingrained as the "Ew, gross" response yet no one can articulate why with any degree of logical foundation. Focusing solely on the abuse angle, what must be addressed is, again, everything is dependent on context. An abusive or sociopathic mother will abuse her children regardless of what aspect of her behavior. But under the context of a mother who is taking care of her son's needs, simultaneously providing discipline and life skill lessons, this becomes a very effective method of parenting for her.

As with the junk food reference above, she must continue to discipline him and coach him in many ways. Teaching him about consent, about responsible social behaviors, about being a thoughtful and considerate partner before, during and after sex, etc.. And, she must be strong enough to withhold sex if he misbehaves. She isn't submissive to him, she's not his girlfriend, she's not his groupie. She's his mother and must maintain that context. And, all the while, encourage him to develop social ties with his peers, go on dates, etc.. And, another perk is that he now has a frame of reference with girls to base his own self-awareness on and can ask his mother for feedback as he's learning his social graces.

Not to sound preachy, but mothers should not be using their sons for their own emotional and sexual gratification. Yes, to an extended degree she will (and should) have a great deal of enjoyment from their sessions because the goal is to teach him to understand himself and the women he will be doing this with including his future wife so I'm assuming (and hoping) she's not teaching him to be bad at sex. But her motivations should be deeper and selfless. Mothers who cling to their sons because they are lonely, insecure, etc. should not engage this way. The entire goal is to prepare their sons to someday go out and start families of their own.

FME: On the other end, there’s concern that young men are abusing their age peers; they are acting without consent. Would what you’re encouraging help prevent that, and if so, how?

In this current era, we have created a contradictory dating environment. Just look at all the social media about men rejecting women or giving up on dating entirely. Women have swung too far to the opposite end of the spectrum and lost sight of traditional values that should have been kept while shedding the ones that should have been shed (essentially they threw the baby out with the bath water). Focusing ONLY on the men side of things, young men are not taught how to talk to or court women they are interested in. So many young men learn from online sources which, unfortunately, includes things like Pornhub, Tik Tok and dating apps. First of all, those stories of abusers are actually a very small percentage of the male population. They are the players, the bad boys, and the creeps. The bold ones who don't care about consequences, don't care about rejection and eventually don't care about consent. I'm talking about taking the other 90+% of men who are good young men but don't know how to talk to women, worry about rejection, or end up forever waiting for the right moment to tell a girl he likes her.

THOSE are the young men that need encouragement to approach to say hello, soothing when rejected, given gentle feminine feedback on what to say and how to say it, etc. They need a way to release their frustrations while they are waiting to find the right girl to start a committed relationship with. They need someone who won't judge them for their awkward dating mistakes and supports them in learning to be better versions of themselves every day. A young man who's properly cared for doesn't need porn or escapism like excessive video games and fantasy to escape their lives, rather they need support and soothing for life's hurts, learn from the experience, then get back up so they can get back in there (dating world, work world, etc.) and try again.

FME: Can a grandmother, aunt, or older sister do this, especially in the absence of present or willing mother? Or, could they assist the mother?

Yes, anyone with a truly maternal bond with the subject young man can step in but should be aware that the bond with the natural biological mother will naturally be stronger and more intuitive. For a surrogate, it will take more time and effort to achieve the same level of effect.

FME: Is there any analog for daughters? For example, a daughter with urges but won’t find fulfillment with a man (or women) the same age? Would mom or dad take the lead with this?

I don't want to say that there is NO analog for young women but the emotional and spiritual needs of women develop on a different time-line and can more easily carry negative impacts as evidenced by the now-emerging patterns of long term effects of hookup culture and how males and females have been impacted differently. 

I believe it is foolhardy to expect identical results when using identical methodology for the development of young men and women. They are fundamentally different which was the whole point of puberty, wasn't it?

FME: Does this apply to gay sons? Is there a general way for them?

My own experiences are limited in this regard because I don't have any experiences as a gay man. My best estimation is that while a young gay man has an almost identical sexual drive as a hetero one, the lack of sexual orientation towards his mother will cause some differences because he may not derive the same gratification as his hetero counterpart. I would, hopefully, expect he and his mother to bond and relate to each other in other ways. For those mothers whom may wish against wish for this, please do not expect this to "turn him straight". If your son is gay, love and honor him as such. Personally, I would love to hear from mothers and gay sons regarding their feelings on this and get their feedback if they are considering this methodology. My current assumption is that the efficacy would be determined on a case-by-case basis depending on the individuals involved. 

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Again, if you want reach out, contact Keith via email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality.

As you can see, there's more than one positive approach to intrafamilial sexuality. This blog is focused on relationships and sexuality that ranges from recreational to spousal. David brings up and illustrates that human sexuality is as dynamic and multi-layered as any other aspect of our humanity. And while social traditions and taboos have kept us alive through the generations, modern life and technology have made enough changes in our reality that new ways of looking at conundrums and finding solutions that work may be possible as in the socialization of our sons and helping them thrive.