Talk It Over and Discuss the Possibilities

People come to this blog because they are having feelings or experiences that are often met with prejudice elsewhere, or they know someone who is having such feelings or experiences. If you're not sure your partner(s) would accept your feelings or fantasies, the information below might help. Maybe you can show this to them and see if they'll agree to discussions.

Clinical psychologist David J. Ley, Ph.D. wrote something very helpful at psychologytoday.com titled "3 Ways to Meet Your Partner’s Sexual Ideals and Why You Should"...

Viewing your partner’s sexual ideals and needs as important and valuable protects and enhances your relationship. Even if you can’t meet your partners’ sexual ideals, sexual communion mitigates the degree to which that mismatch negatively impacts your relationship.

Ley goes on to describe how to start to use this. Although Ley is writing about partners, this also might be helpful for people who are not yet partners, such as if there is someone who is in your life as a family member or friend but you want to add a sexual bond to your relationship.

Nonjudgmental Listening. The best, first, and most important way that partners can express sexual communion with each other is by communicating about their sexual likes and dislikes, in a manner that involves respect and acceptance. Acknowledging and valuing your partners’ sexual preferences is a critical and meaningful way to let them feel valued and accepted as a person, within your relationship. Have a conversation (actually, it’s best to have lots of little conversations as opposed to just one big one) with your partner about their sexual needs and experiences. Try to make them feel like you are interested and curious about their sexuality. Believe it or not, this is as valuable in long-term relationships with decades of history as it is in fresher relationships. Most people never tell anyone, even their life partners, about their sexual fantasies and interests, for fear of rejection and judgment.

Emphasis mine. Listening is so important. Getting your partner(s) to open up and share with you is the way to grow and deepen the relationship.

Unconditional Acceptance. Try your best to suspend your own judgment and reactions about your partner’s sexual ideals. Tell them that you're not going to reject, judge, or shame them, for their sexual desires. I know this is difficult. It’s so easy to feel judged and rejected, when we hear that our partner has sexual needs and interests that don’t completely match us. It feels very personal. But it’s not. Not really. Our sexual interests, ideals, and fantasies are not truly things that we choose or select. Why does this one thing turn us on? No one really knows. It involves a complex interaction of our psychology, the biology of our brain, and genetics, as well as our social and personal history. Accepting your partners’ sexual needs doesn’t mean you have to fulfill them, doesn’t mean that they will have to try to meet them. It merely means that you accept and love your partner, including those sexual needs as a part of them as a person. That acceptance protects your relationship, even if the sexual need cannot be met. But leaving your partner feeling unaccepted as a person, with that unmet sexual need, guarantees they will feel dissatisfied both in sex and relationship.

It's important not to dismiss the needs, desires, and fantasies your partner(s) even if it is something you haven't tried or even considered before.

Negotiation. When we talk with our partner about their sexual interests, coming from a place of sexual communion (and they do likewise with us) we can find places of overlap, and places where we can accommodate and sacrifice to let our partner know that we value and prioritize their sexual needs. We can find places where we can push our own limits (but not be pushed by them) and explore ways we can compromise and even sacrifice, to meet our partners’ needs. This doesn’t mean engaging in behaviors which violate our core values, or leave us feeling traumatized. But can we explore the shades of grey, between the strong yes and no? For instance, even if we feel like we couldn’t engage in a certain sexual act in real life, can we engage in role-play or fantasy with our partner, about that act? Finding ways to explore those middle grounds lets our partner know and actually experience our acceptance and motivation to value them and their sexuality.

So many people feel forced into a tiny sliver of sexuality. But they're not alone in the desires and needs they have, but might have suppressed it due to bigotry. Whether it is a kink they want to explore, or a form of nonmonogamy, or being with someone of a different gender than their past lovers, or consanguinamory, even just a particular sex act, or any variation from what they've already experienced or shared, talking it over can help. People tend to feel embarrassed or even ashamed about their desires and curiosities, but they shouldn't. They and any (potential) partners they have should be able to be honest with themselves and each other. Once you start the discussions, things get easier to talk about as long as you're supportive of each other.

You are welcome to contact me if you want to communicate with someone who won't judge you. The best ways are through email - fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com - and on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality.