Sunday, September 18, 2011

A Unicorn Reports In

Erzulie writes about her journey to polyamory and being a unicorn.

My long-term married friends; the only people I knew in this new locale. And in those friends I found not only support, but love and acceptance. And from there it became more. The three of us began a totally new exploration into true polyamory. A loving, emotional, and physical relationship between three consenting adults. Therefore making me - gasp! - "the unicorn".

What is a "unicorn", you might ask? A unicorn is a bisexual female who agrees to become involved with an already existing paired couple. This could be a married couple or an existing long-term established relationship. Most commonly a male/female pair who then add the unicorn to create a FMF situation. This could be a short-term arrangement or a long-term situation. For us it is a long-term proposition.

They should be free to make this a legal marriage situation.

Another way we go against the norm is that we do not utilize a primary/secondary hierarchy within our relationship. Many polyamorous relationships are set up with the original relationship's same gender partner as the primary and the added person as the secondary. Another option with an unmarried pair is whichever of the same gender partners spend more time with the other gendered partner, that person is then primary and the one that spends less time is secondary. For example, some might consider me to be a secondary partner because my partners were already married when we began our relationship.

Some triads are that way, not having a primary/secondary distinction, such as my friends who inspired this blog.

For us, primary/secondary terminology is demeaning. It implies one partner is more important or deserves more time and affection than the other.

In some situations, it would be demeaning. In others, it is appropriate. It isn't what "deserve," it is about what is, and what is practical. I have not minded the secondary label, for example. I could never be as close to the ladies as they are to each other and as Matthew is to them and they each are to Matthew. They are the primary triad. I am a secondary to that triad, or at least part of it. And I like it this way.

Choosing to be polyamorous in a monogamous society is a brave undertaking. People don't understand polyamory. They understand cheating, swinging, and one-night FMF explorations. They even are beginning to accept homosexual men, lesbians, and bi-sexual women. Yet they fail to comprehend that adults could choose a relationship model that involves open, honest, multiple partner sexuality. I'm proof that it can be done and it can work. It won't be easy, but sometimes you have to work for the best things in life.

Some people choose to be poly, but it isn't a choice for everyone who is poly. For many poly people, it is who they are. They are still polyamorous even when they aren't seeing anyone.Many monogamists, likewise, will tell you they are monogamous, even when they aren't seeing anyone.
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