Someone calling himself Saul wrote to Miriam Stoppard’s advice column…
When I was in my teens and still thought of myself as straight, I had a brief relationship with a girl. Now, 20 years on, I've been contacted by the son I never knew existed and he's gay like me.
I think it's great he's happy with his sexuality and I love having him in my life - it's like being with my younger self.
What really bothers me is I've started to become attracted to him. A 15-year relationship ended last year and I hate myself for thinking the things I've been thinking. What should I do?
Saul should be careful. As with attraction in another other case, the feelings might not be mutual or even if mutual, the other person may not want to act on them. Saul does not indicate that he thinks it is best for him not to act on his feelings, though he did write that the feelings bother him.
If he isn’t open to acting on his feelings, then he should not tell his son about them, and instead seek advice on how to cope from people who have been through the same thing at this website. Most people, at some point in their lives, have attractions that they do not express, at least not to the person to whom they are attracted.
Maybe there just needs to be more time, and the feelings will go away.
However, if they don't and if Saul is open to acting on that attraction, then he should be as cautious as he would be in any other delicate situation, such as with a friend or coworker, but keep in mind that there is much prejudice.
For example, the columnist writes…
You must resist the temptation to express your feelings for your son by touching him sexually.
Why? If they both want it, then they are consenting adults. They don’t currently rely on each other; one is not the boss, landlord, or legal guardian of the other.
This would be incest and you would create disastrous, complicated, serious problems for yourself and your son.
The only problems I can think of, besides the normal risks inherent in sexual relationships, is prejudice. Remove the prejudice, and suddenly there aren’t so many problems.
Fate has placed him in your path and you should fulfil your destiny and be his dad.
The young man is an adult. If he doesn’t have a “dad” already, then Saul can be both his father and lover. How about opening up that mind a little?