Wednesday, October 27, 2010

He's Considering His Mother

There's no way to know for sure if someone is being sincere or not when they submit a question to Yahoo Answers, but either way, we can learn something by the questions being asked and the responses given. The responses to questions like this one usually include a bunch expressing the standard prejudice, ignorance, and bigotry. It is always good to have the reasonable and helpful answers pop up, too. In this instance, the asker claims to be contemplating approaching his mother for a consanguineous sexual relationship.

my roommate from college has been my friend for the last 3-4 years and I found out hes been sleeping with his mom since he was 17. though i admit his mom is beautiful i was disgusted at 1st but i got over it cause hes probably my best friend and the coolest guy i know.

This is the best way allies are made: through personal relationships. It helps people get over an initial prejudice.

but hes been talking to me about it and though i didnt want to hear any of it at 1st the more he talks to me about it the more im liking it and last night while i was at my girls place the whole time i was picturing my mom and it disgusted me and excited me at the same time and now i think i wanna be with my mom cause ive begun to look at her as a women and i realized shes very attractive.

There are many factors to consider when comptemplating approaching anybody in addition to physical attractiveness.

please no trolls or a--holes do u think i should go for it or no i love her but im afraid that id ruin our relationship.

Well that’s the big consideration, isn’t it? Approaching some unrelated acquaintance who attends the same college might result in that person avoiding you in the future should they rebuff your advances, or should you stop seeing each other after a while. Or you might not want to have to sit in the same class. In that case, it is not a big risk. But it is a different matter when it is someone who is closer to you, or with whom you already have some existing relationship, whether familial, emotional, business, or otherwise.

This person appears to have a girlfriend, and I do not recommend having sex with anybody else when you have an existing vow to someone that precludes that. So even if the asker decides to approach his mother, he should only do so if he has broken it off with the girlfriend or has agreement from the girlfriend to sleep with others. And now that I think about it more, the asker does not mention if his mother has a husband, boyfriend, or dates, or other children, and those things matter. I'm assuming she doesn't.

All the research ive done so far has said that those that go into incest as consensual adults usually have happier lives if u can believe.

Generalizations can be problematic, but yes, there are people who are happier than they were before once they have a consensual consanguineous sexual relationship.

i just turned 22 and shes 37 and in truth i have been with older women and also she cant have kids she got her tubes tied long ago

Prior experience with older women can be helpful.

So what kind of responses were left? From the “Best Answer” came this:

You will have some hefty obstacles to overcome, not the least of which is the fact that your mom has not been having these sexual fantasies.

It is possible she has, however slim the chances.

But if you actually love your mother and don't want to just "do" her a couple of times to see what it's like, then you need to take a deep breath, step back and consider what will happen afterward. How will having sex with her change you, and change her? How will you act to each other?

Good advice.

What kind of people will you be once you lose the "mother/son" roles?

It can be more complicated than that. Do they have to lose those roles, or will they add to them?

And it is possible for consensual adult incest relationships to succeed. But it takes an incredible commitment, depth of understanding, partnership, and strength of character that most people simply are not capable of. Do you want to expose your mom to the risks you could be letting her in for, making her go through all the emotional pain and upheaval that you may or may not be willing to face yourself?

These are important considerations that apply somewhat to all relationships, but are more pronounced in an example like this.

On to another answer…

The best thing to do in this case is ask your friend if he is willing to share his mom. Your friend and his mom might like the idea of a 3 way and then you can decide if it is gross or not.

This makes no sense. First of all, just because the three of them all want consanguineous sex does not mean that any of the three of them (and it would take all three) want a threesome or ongoing triad. Having sex with one or two other people will not indicate if his feelings for his mother are a passing infatuation or something more.

Who knows if she and he are willing she might just let you call her mom.

Role playing is different from actual experience.

Women are beautiful, but complex creatures. The specifics of what one woman wants and what works in romancing or seducing one women might be very different from another woman. My advice in this case (if he has considered everything, both of them are free, and he does want to go ahead) is much as it would be in general:

Be on your best, most mature behavior. You want her to see you as a man, not as a little boy.

Make an effort to be as presentable as possible.

Spend time with her pay attention to her, and what it is that she needs and wants. Show her you love, respect, and appreciate her.

Do things for her to make her life less stressful, such as chores around the home and running errands. Make it a point to thank her for the things she does.

Compliment her, especially on things a boyfriend might (what she’s wearing, how she’s looking, her smile, her laugh, her sense of humor).

Send her gifts/flowers for those special days, or even when it isn’t a special day, “just to say thanks and I love you.”

Take her on dates. They don’t have to be expensive; they can be something like a sunset picnic. Wine and dine her (forget the wine if she has a drinking problem). It can be helpful to get out of town for the weekend to someplace where people don’t know you, especially a place where couples go. Longer vacations can also be a catalyst.

Be there when she comes home from work and surpise her by preparing a warm bubble bath for her complete with wine (non-alcoholic if she has a drinking problem), candles, romantic/relaxing music. Tell her you’ll give her a massage after the bath. (You can read up on giving good massages.) Let her know she doesn't have to worry about dinner (prepare or buy something you know she enjoys).

Try to ascertain her openness to being with younger men in general, or with you by giving her the ability to reveal her desire or curiousity – and/or give her hints about your feelings - in a nonjudgmental setting that allows some deniability. This can be tricky, but what I mean by that is incrementalism, open-ended questions, double entendres, compliments, jokes, and “hypotheticals” can be helpful. For example, without giving away the identity, tell her how nice it is that someone you know is in love, then tell her cautiously that it is with an older woman, and then tell her cautiously that it is his mother, and talk about how it is working well for them. If the very idea obviously thoroughly disgusts her, you’ll have your answer, at least for now. But if she only expresses half-hearted objection or expresses anything more positive than that, you’ll know she is at least open-minded.

Show her you are a reliable, trustworthy person who can keep her confidence. There is a lot of prejudice towards this kind of thing and you don’t want her to worry that others will find out before she’s ready for them to know – which might be never.

Above all, as with any advance, be prepared to accept rejection and never disrespect, harass, or try to coerce.  In situations like this, an initial rejection might be reversed if you handle the rejection the right way. Sometimes, someone just needs a little time to think about it.

As always, if anyone else has experience with situations like this (or even if you don't) I'm happy to get comments.
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