Frequently Asked Question: How Common is Incest?

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As 2022 Gives Way to 2023

 

We hope you've had or wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Yuletide Greetings, Solstice Salutations, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays!

Whatever holidays you celebrate, or even if you don't celebrate any, we wish you a fabulous season full of warmth and love.

As it is time for the end-of-the-year and New Year holidays, this blog may not be updated as often as normal. However, I will be checking, daily or more often, the various ways people can get in touch with me.

[Update: Just to be clear, I plan on being fully back into the swing of things, including blogging, after the holidays. Sorry if there was any confusion.]

May you and your loved ones have peace, health, and happiness.

Some of you are, or will be, heading home for the Winter holidays and school breaks. Some of you have been home because you always are. Whichever is your situation, a lot of you are, or will be, spending more time at home with family.

If you're LGBTQ+, polyamorous or in any form of ethical, consensual, or disclosed nonmonogamy, consanguinamorous, or otherwise in a relationship (or, NOT in a relationship) and some in your family are prejudiced against you because of it: I'm so sorry. You are worthy of affirmation. May you get through this time with as little trouble as possible.

If you do find, or already have found, yourself having feelings for. or sharing affection with, family members, you're definitely not alone. Recent years have seen more of that. And, as it was before, it was common enough for close relatives to share sexual or romantic affection that you certainly know people who have. You are NOT alone.

Whether you're blood relatives, step relatives, adoptive relatives, in-laws, or honorary relatives, there's nothing wrong with your feelings and, depending on the circumstances, there may be nothing wrong with sharing more affection. 

Will you make the most of this time?

You might need to read one or more entries on this blog that I list below.

Here's a special message for young people.

Consanguinamory (Consensual Incest) FAQ

It's more common than most people think for close relatives to share sexual affection or experimentation. Intrafamial sex and romance is as old as time.

Do You Have Feelings For a Close Relative?

Do you think or know that a close relative has feelings for you?

Yes, it is OK. But should you "do it" in your specific situation?

You might be able to make it happen. If you're the parent, there is more to consider.

Taking it slow and cautiously might be the way, unless the two (or three, or...?) of you can't hold back. Sometimes, the ice just needs breaking.

Stepsiblings, stepparents, and stepchildren might want to read this.

Are you considering coming out as consanguinamorous?

A message for family and friends.

How To Be An Ally to Consanguinamorous People You Know

Are you considering, or involved in, a situation that isn't monogamous?

Read exclusive interviews with close relatives who are involved in everything from spousal-style relationships to family-with-benefits arrangements.

If you've already shared sexual affection and are trying to sort everything out, this might help. 

If you can't be together geographically, you might be able to make the most of the distance. 

Again, you can contact me and you can comment below (including anonymously), so please share your thoughts, experiences, questions, plans, or anything else you want to share. 

No Time For Bigots

I’ve adopted a personal policy and I recommend it for anyone who supports rights for all.

I don’t have time for bigots.

Bigots will never stop the hate.

Time is wasted on them.

I save my time for helping lovers and those who want to be, helping allies, helping legitimate journalists, academics, and media producers, and the genuinely questioning, curious, confused, and uncertain. Is someone you know involved in consanguinamory and/or nonmonogamy, or some other relationship you don’t understand, and you’re not sure what to think, say, or do? Those are the people who will get my time.

In private communications, I’ll at least block bigots; maybe more.

If they leave a comment on this blog, I might analyze it in a post. If it’s devoid of any worthiness of response, it may simply get deleted. I’ll still analyze and counter bigotry I see in media. 

If they interact publicly on social media, I’ll only keep interacting if I think anyone, such as someone else observing, could benefit. Otherwise they’ll be ignored, muted, blocked; maybe reported, depending.

These ways might also be applied when someone in one community rejects solidarity with others. Throwing others under the bus isn’t acceptable. We must seek rights for all.

There is no good reason to deny people their basic rights to their identity, orientation, and the relationships to which they mutually agree, including full marriage equality.

The bigots will continue to shrink in numbers. Those who refuse to let go of bigotry will, more and more, find themselves keeping their prejudices to themselves, and eventually they will die out. More and more people will support rights for all.

Marriage Doesn't Have to be Monogamous

More and more people are questioning whether the polygamous freedom to marry should continue to be denied anywhere. At the forum community.babycentre.co.uk, MonaVanderwaal asked...

Should marrying more than one person be allowed in the UK?

Yes!

At the moment it is a crime punishable for up to seven years in prison.

Do you think it is an outdated law?

It's a ridiculous and unjust law.

If three+ people could prove they are happy in the arrangement, would this change your mind?

Visibility is important, but this is a basic matter of freedom of association. People have a fundamental right to marry. Some people are polyamorous or otherwise want more than one spouse. If all are consenting adults, there's no good reason to deny them their rights. You don't need to be aware of the polyamorous people around you who are in happy, long-term relationships to understand that all adults should have their rights.

Let's look at a few of the responses.

Completing a Special Puzzle

We have another exclusive interview to bring you.

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The woman interviewed below should be free to legally marry her partner, or simply to be with her partner as a couple without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults who aren’t hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including where they live, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what she has to say about the love they share with each other. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic and romantic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label?

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Anonymous: I'm a high school math teacher in a suburb of an American major metropolitan area. I'm in my early forties. I'm average height for a woman. I could lose a little weight but my man says I'm perfect the way I am. My family roots are Jewish, by way of Europe. I like gardening and puzzles of different kinds, like jigsaw and Rubik's cube types. I have one brother.

Answering Arguments Against Polyamory

People who insist monogamy is the only acceptable relationship model, or that polyamorists should not have the same rights for their relationships as monogamists, almost always cite a few often-repeated reasons as to why. If you're polyamorous, you’ve probably heard most of these reasons, whether from coworkers, family, or complete strangers. Although I’m going to focus on polyamorous relationships, most of these are also applicable to open relationships, swinging, swapping, nonmonogamous sex, and ethical nonmonogamy in general whether the people involved identify as polyamorous or not.

Just about any objection people have to polyamory or other forms of ethical nonmonogamy fit into these common arguments, perhaps with different wording. Just so that you know, when I use the term “polygamy” I am referring to a subset of polyamory that involves marriage (whether by law, ceremony, or declaration of those involved), involving three or more spouses, whatever the structure of the relationship or the genders involved, as long as all involved are consenting adults.

1. “It is disgusting.” Also known as the “ick” or “eww” factor, this explains why the person using the argument would not want to have a polyamorous relationship, but their own personal disgust is not a justification for preventing other people from having a polyamorous relationship. Some people are disgusted by the idea of heterosexual sex, or their own parents having sex, but obviously this is not a justification to ban those things. Obviously, the consenting adults who want a polyamorous relationship aren’t disgusted by it. An effective response to this is “Don’t want a polyamorous relationship? Don’t have one.”

World AIDS Day

December 1 is World AIDS Day.

It is very important to remember those we've lost to AIDS, to care for anyone battling AIDS, and to care for anyone with HIV.

We must continue to work for a cure, an inoculation, and continue to fight the spread of HIV.

We should also never forget that stigmas, ignorance, bigotry, sex-negative attitudes and shaming helped spread HIV and AIDS.

Let's continue to work for a better culture in which people aren't shamed and marginalized for their sexuality, nor discriminated against or stigmatized for getting HIV or getting sick.

A Change of Heart Into Becoming An Ally

It happens a lot.

Someone grows as they go through life and they realize they now have more understanding and more compassion when it comes to who other people are and who those people love.

An example was expressed in this comment:

I'm a friend who reacted badly because I liked the guy and found out about him and his niece. That was ages ago. I understand now but I don't know how to repair that friendship. Any thoughts?

I'm assuming you're not talking about the specific people in that interview. I don't know you, and I don't know the guy, so I can only give generalized advice. Feel free to contact me directly for further consultation.

I'd go see the guy in-person, if possible. Ask him when and where you can meet him "because I owe you an apology." You two should either meet alone or with his niece; nobody else should be along. For everyone's comfort, it should be somewhere "public" but where you can get out of earshot of other people. 

Get to it as soon as you can. Say something along the lines of: "I owe you an apology for how I reacted. I did some thinking, and I realized that you both have the right to choose who you're with. If you can forgive me and accept my apology, I'm here for you." 

That is vague enough that if someone is somehow listening in, there's nothing that incriminates them.

It's best if you allow him/them to react. They might need some time. Their reaction might not be what you hope it will be. On the other hand, it might turn out great for all three of you. Please understand they've probably had to hide their relationship, deal with bigotry and discrimination, and lost other friends and family over this, so it can be very difficult for some people to talk about it.

Don't make promises you're not going to keep, like telling them they can talk to you about their relationship or act like an affectionate couple around you if you can't handle that.

Do tell them you won't out them to anyone, and be sure you don't.

If it isn't possible to see him/them in person, then do it by phone call or video chat; some way that will feel sincere and they can hear your tone. But again, while making it clear you are apologizing and you are now supportive, be vague enough with your choice of words so that if someone is overhearing it you are not incriminating them or getting them to incriminate themselves.

Please let us know how it goes.

You might want to to read this:

How to Be An Ally to Consaguinamorous People You Know

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #11

“It will be a legal/paperwork nightmare as our system is set up for couples.” That’s what the bigots said about same-gender marriage and the Americans With Disabilities Act and just about any civil rights laws. Of course it is easier for those who already have what they want to keep things as they are. But what about all of the people who are denied their rights?

Adopting the polygamous freedom to marry under full marriage equality will take much less adjustment than adopting the Americans With Disabilities Act, the Violence Against Women Act and many other laws necessary to for equal protection and civil rights. Contract and business law already provides adaptable examples of how law can accommodate configurations involving three or more people, including when someone joins an existing relationship or leaves a relationship.


There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #10 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #12

Polyamory Day is November 23

November 23 is Polyamory Day!

I am polyamorous, but even if I wasn’t, we should all support the rights of all, including the rights of polyamorous people.

Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one loving intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

The image reads: November 23 is Polyamory Day. Celebrate!

Feel free to share this image anywhere that’s appropriate as long as you’re doing so in support of polyamory and polyamorous people. 

Let consenting adults love each other how they mutually agree!

There is much diversity in polyamory. The uniting factors to polyamory include that it is ongoing nonmonogamy and not cheating.

It has been great to see awareness and acceptance of polyamory grow in recent years. Let's continue to make progress!

As always, comments are welcome below. Are you celebrating? If so, how?

Planning For the Holidays

The year-end holidays are coming up. In the US, that is kicked off with Thanksgiving, which is the fourth Thursday in November. This year that the 24th. That has traditionally meant seeing family, such as parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc.

If you might be getting together with family for Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Winder Solstice, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year's Eve/Day, or any other holiday coming up, you might be facing specific decisions and considerations, especially if you're in an interracial relationship or an age gap relationship, or are LGBTQ+, nonmonogamous, consanguinamorous, or are exploring/living out kinks and certain dynamics:

• Avoiding hostile people
• Keeping closeted
• Coming out
• Making a move

You are under no obligation to spend holidays with people who are hostile to you because of your gender, orientation, relationships, or kinks, even if they are related to you. Repeat that to yourself as needed.

That being said, if there is just one or two hostile people and there will be dozen or more other people, consider if you can go and simply avoid the hostile people. Some families and gatherings allow for that.

What you tell people, how, and when, is up to you. If you're not ready to come out to the people you'd be spending time with, you shouldn't have to. Or, if you think coming out now to one, more, or all of the people who will be there would be best, you'll need to prepare yourself for emotionally for that.

As far as making a move, if there is a person or people likely to be there you want to "get closer to," whether relatives or family friends, plan ahead for the possibilities. Will there be a way to get them alone? Would it be good to get things in motion ahead of time through texts, messages, video chats, calls, etc.? Or do you want to wait until you're face to face to get things in motion or back into motion, as the situation might be.

Plan ahead and make the most of the season. What that means is up to you. For some of you, it will be making plans with friends and "found family" or your partner(s) and their families. Others will make the most of their opportunities by going "home." Plans can change, and that's fine. But do consider what you might want to do.

If you need someone to talk with or to give you feedback about your plans, or you just want to say hello to Keith, you can do so, as always, by emailing fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or message him on Wire at fullmarriageequality or on Facebook.

You can also comment with your thoughts, plans, or past experiences below.

Transgender Day of Remembrance - Sunday November 20

On November 20, especially, we remember transgender people killed by hatred and ignorance. It's the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

For all transgender people reading this:

We value you. You are valid. You deserve to live your life free of prejudice, free of being attacked for who you are.

We are going to help make things better sooner rather than later.

We are with you.

How Nonmonogamous People Can Avoid Trouble

Believe it or not, there are still criminal laws in many places criminalizing consensual sex and relationships between adults.

It doesn't matter to them how loving, happy, and lasting the relationships are. It apparently doesn't matter to the people interfering that every dollar or minute they spend trying to stop consenting adults from loving each other is a dollar or minute that could instead go into protecting people, especially children, against predators.

In addition to the persecution and prosecution of consanguinamorous people, polyamorists, polygamists, and other ethical nonmonogamists can face discrimination and even prosecution.

Some awesome people put together a very helpful lists of state laws for polyamorous people in the US or considering moving to the US. First, note the disclaimer that there is an ever-present at the bottom of this blog. I'll mostly repeat it here:

Respect For Marriage Act

Like many countries, the US needs a national "Respect For Marriage Act."

Our laws should ensure that an adult is free to marry any and all consenting adults, and have their marriages respected under the law, in courts, by schools, in hospitals, by insurance agencies, and so forth. This should be the case in every state, county, and city.

Ideally, we would adopt a Marriage Equality Amendment that supports diversity, equity, and inclusion.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, who is capable of consent, regardless of their age, race, ethnicity, national origin, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or any other personal characteristic, their rights to consent to relationships, love, sex, kink, residence, or marriage with any and all consenting adults.

Denying the polyamorous right to marry shouldn’t be part of any law. Equality “just for some” isn’t equality.

Let's support full marriage equality.

Transgender Awareness Week 2022

November 13 through November 19 is celebration to educate about transgender and gender non-conforming people and the issues. It leads up to Transgender Day of Remembrance (November 20).

To learn more, visit HRC and GLAAD.

We stand with our transgender and gender non-conforming family, friends, coworkers, classmates, and neighbors.

We oppose discrimination against them. We support them having their rights, including their right to marry or to otherwise have the relationships to which they mutually agree.

Oppose bigotry. Support rights.

Veterans Day

November 11 is the Veterans Day holiday in the US.

I can’t help but think of the people who risked their lives (and those who gave them) and endured so many things in service to their country, who weren’t and haven’t been free to be who they really are and share their lives openly with the person or persons they love.

Recent years have brought progress, and we have to fight to keep what we've gained while still looking for more progress. Problematic laws and policies remain, and, of course, LGBTQ+ people, the nonmonogamous and polyamorous, and consanguinamorous still endure the the threat of prosecution, persecution, or discrimination.

Shouldn’t someone who risked their life for this country be able to marry more than one person, or a biological relative? Or at least share a life with the person(s) they love without a fear that their own government will be against them? Is bravery and valor negated if a man loves more than one woman, or his long lost sister? Shouldn’t a woman who served be free to marry both of the women she loves?

Let’s thank our veterans, some of whom were drafted into service, especially those who are still being treated as second class citizens.

Intersex Day of Solidarity

Today, November 8, and every day, we stand in solidarity with intersex people. 

It’s Intersex Day of Solidarity.

Our bodies, genders, orientations, and relationships are diverse. Every person should be free to be themselves and to share love, sex, and relationships if and as mutually agreed with others. This includes intersex people. 

Intersex people are not broken. We stand against discrimination against, and persecution of, our intersex friends, family, and neighbors.

Last Minute Reminder for Americans: Vote

In case you needed it, here's your last-minute reminder to vote if you're an American voter.

Please vote, if possible, for candidates who support full marriage equality and general relationship rights for all.

Today, Tuesday, November 8, is IT.

Either go vote in person, if your location allows that, or drop off your completed ballot at your local elections office or designated collection sites.

Make your voice heard!

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is October 31 and it is celebrated widely and diversely here in the US.

Do you have any special plans for Halloween? Have you done or will you do anything fun or interesting this year at a Halloween party or event?

Whatever you do, please be careful and stay safe!

Here in the states, the stores depend on Halloween to sell a lot of merchandise. In typical years, there are parties, costume contests, what amounts to theatre in front of (and inside, sometimes) the homes of people as they try to scare or entertain neighbors and strangers with things ranging from silly to sexy, spooky to gory. In some places, kids (and often parents) in costumes go from door to door collecting candy or other treats.

Many amusement parks, ranging from small to the largest, do special entertainment in the weeks leading up to Halloween, and this is a favorite time of the year for movie studios to release horror movies, and for broadcasters to show ones from years past.

For some, there are religious or spiritual aspects to the day, and it might be called by other names.

Some interesting things can happen when people are having fun at costume parties, or cuddled up together watching scary movies. Maybe you'll be home with family or other loved ones, watching something good or playing some fun games?

So, as always, feel free to comment or share your plans or stories, including from years past. You can comment anonymously below.

Stop Dragon Your Hate Around

Television series "House of the Dragon" (a "Game of Thrones" prequel) put the topic on "incest" back into discussions. The magazine Cosmopolitan tweeted this, and then deleted their tweet, because there is so much ignorance and bigotry on Twitter. [For those who don't see it, the tweet showed two characters who are about to kiss or just have, and said "Now That 'House of Dragon' Is Over, I'll Say It: Incest Fantasies are Hot"]

TW/CW!!!

How many times does it need to be said?

Consensual incest (consanguinamory) and abuse are two very different things.

It is terrible that anybody was abused by a close relative. But abuse by a close relative doesn't make CONSENSUAL affection between close relatives wrong any more than rape by a stranger makes sex with a blind date wrong.

From the article at Cosmopolitan.com...

There’s nothing morally okay about inter-family sex, no matter how hot the actors and how palpable the chemistry.

On the contrary, there is nothing wrong with it. Consenting adults should be free to chose their lovers.

And yet, week after week since August 21, fans have rooted—nay, thirsted—for Daemon and Rhaenyra Targaryen on House of the Dragon, and I, dear reader, am one of them.

Yes, it is one of those situations. "I'm turned on by the idea but I think real people who actually love each other should be denied their rights and stigmatized!"

When they finally had sex (as consenting adults), fans ate it up.

Good. But don't turn around the throw real people under the bus.

So even though IRL, incest is wrong (“Children resulting from an incestual relationship can sometimes suffer from congenital anomalies when blending familial genetics,” says Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples therapist in Los Angeles. “This is one of the primary reasons that incest is a taboo to begin with.”

Ah, Discredited Argument 18.

This, apart from the fact that when it does happen, it is often a result of sexual abuse.)

That is literally the same sort of crap bigots say about people being gay. Most people who were abused in the past still CHOOSE their CONSENSUAL lovers later.

Kinky fantasies are also at play here. It’s okay to be turned on by something (be it in porn, on your favorite Netflix show, or in your own private mental playground) that you’d never actually do IRL. That’s why they’re called fantasies. Everyone has them, and shows like House of the Dragon give people an outlet for safe exploration.

It's pretty safe to sexually experiment with someone who already knows and loves you, too.

Many people fantasize about consanguineous sex.

Many people want to engage in consanguineous sex.

Many people have engaged in consanguineous sex.

None of that is wrong in and of itself.

There are people everywhere who are in ongoing, loving, romantic relationships with one more more close relatives. You might even know and admire some without knowing of their relation. Stop separating people out to be the targets of prejudice and other forms of hate. Let's defend the rights of ALL to their sexuality and relationships.

We Support Our Ace and Intersex Friends and Neighbors

We have a couple of important observances to note this week.

Asexual Awareness Week is THIS WEEK, October 23 through October 29. It's an international campaign to educate about asexual, aromantic, demisexual and grey-sexual identities and experiences. You are welcome here! Nobody should be discriminated against or be denied their rights for having these identities.

Intersex Awareness Day is Wednesday, October 26. Intersex people should not be discriminated against or denied their rights, nor forced into narrow gender roles imposed by someone else. You are welcome here!

Humans are diverse. We have diversity in our bodies, in our identities, in our attractions, and in our relationships.

Kindness and respect go a long way. Let people be who they are. Bullying, harassment, and discrimination spread hate. Spread love instead.  Let's support each other and stand up for the rights of all.

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #10

“Polyamory/polygamy spreads sexually transmitted infections.” Unprotected sex with someone who is infected is how such infections may be transmitted. Twenty people could have group sex and a group marriage for fifty years and if none of them brings an infection into the marriage and they only have sex with each other, none of them will get a sexually transmitted infection.

We do not deny people their freedom to marry based on which diseases they have. In most places, people can legally have sex with multiple partners anyway. Polyfidelity can be encouraged if polygamy is legalized and polyamory is no longer stigmatized, which would actually reduce disease transmission. Polyamorous people tend to be more careful about prevention, safer sex, and actually talking about the issues involved.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #9 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #11

Spirit Day 2022 - Thursday, October 20

Thursday, October 20 is Spirit Day. Among varying activities, people wear purple in support of LGBTQ+ youth, against bullying.

Nobody should be bullied, harassed, or discriminated against because of their gender, sexuality, or relationship diversities or those of their family members or friends.

Are you observing Spirit Day? Leave a comment below telling us about it.

Defend people against prejudice, bullying, harassment, and discrimination.

How You Can Help

Coming Out Day 2022

Life can be tough for someone whose identity and orientation doesn’t fit in to a little heterosexual, monogamous, "traditional"-gender-role box or whose relationship doesn’t meet the local sex police’s approved standards. Sometimes, a person or the people in a relationship want to come out of the closet. Sometimes they need to come out. For some of these people, it is a little less difficult if they do so as part of a communal event, such as National Coming Out Day.

National Coming Out Day is today, Tuesday, October 11. Here’s the official website, at least for the US. There is much helpful information there, regardless of where you live.

The more people that come out, the more the others around them will realize they do know and appreciate people who are LGBTQ+, or polyamorous, or consanguinamorous, and that such people and relationships deserve equality. So coming out helps progress.

On the other hand, it is understandable that any given person, couple, triad, or quad decides to stay in the closet for now. There’s still so much hate, so much prejudice and persecution, and even unjust laws that hinder the life and love of people who are good citizens and just want to be themselves. I support the decision of anyone who believes they need to be reserved for now for the sake of their safety and family.

The decision to come out is yours. Do you want to come out, and to whom? Your friends? Your family? Your coworkers? Your classmates? Your neighbors? Your crush? The whole world?

Also, if someone comes out to you, the decision to be an ally is yours. If your classmate, coworker, neighbor, friend, parent, child, or sibling comes to you and says they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, polysexual, pansexual, transgender, polyamorous, consanguinamorous or in a consanguinamorous relationship, what will you do? Will you choose love and acceptance?

Even if you are heterosexual, monogamous, and nonconsanguinamorous, you may want to come out as an ally for full marriage equality. That alone can take courage, but it helps.

If you are planning to come out, or you do come out, please feel free to share your experience here by commenting. You can do so anonymously. You are also welcome to contact Keith if you want someone to talk with.

Lesbians Day 2022

Saturday, October 8 is International Lesbians Day.

Today and every day, it is good to remember that, like anyone else, lesbians should be free to share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting partners. 

Lesbians should be free to live their lives, without fear of harassment, bullying, criminalization, or discrimination.

Thank you to all of our lesbian friends and allies!

One Perspective of Having Polyamorous Parents

A headline at refinery29.com caught my eye. Dylan Blair Bass had "My Parents Were Sex-Positive & Polyamorous Before It Was Cool."

I was in third grade when I first heard my parents having sex. We’d just moved, and my room was on the other side of the small house. I had trouble sleeping, so sometimes I’d lay down in the living room on our tiny couch at night, eventually nodding off only to be awoken a short while later by animalistic sounds coming from my parents’ bedroom. I don’t know how I knew what the sounds were, but my reaction was one of disgust, fascination, and a little bit of shame.

Sex is natural and there is no reason for parents to hide that they have sex. They should make it clear that affection, meaning consensual touch and interaction, is nothing for anyone to be ashamed of. Parents should also show their children how they can safely avoid having to hear noises they don't want to continue to hear.

Polyamory Exists and Must Be Recognized

Good news from New York.

From Greg Owen at lgbtqnation.com...

The decision came in the case of West 49th St., LLC v. O’Neill, decided by New York Civil Court Judge Karen May Bacdayan, concluded that polyamorous relationships are entitled to the same sort of legal protection given to two-person relationships.

Thank you, Honorable Judge Bacdayan!

The case revolves around three individuals. Scott Anderson and Markyus O’Neill lived together in a New York City apartment. Anderson held the lease, but was married to another man, Robert Romano, who lived at another address. After Anderson died, the building’s owner contended O’Neill had no right to renew the lease since he was just a “roommate” of Anderson’s and not “a non-traditional family member.”

The court concluded that there needed to be a hearing about whether Anderson, Romano and O’Neill were in a polyamorous relationship.

Let people have the relationships and form the families to which they mutually agree.

The judge cited legislation enacted since the advent of federally recognized same sex unions. “In February 2020, the Utah legislature passed a so-called Bigamy Bill, decriminalizing the offense by downgrading it from a felony to a misdemeanor. In June [2020], Somerville, Massachusetts, passed an ordinance allowing groups of three or more people who ‘consider themselves to be a family’ to be recognized as domestic partners. The neighboring town of Cambridge followed suit, passing a broader ordinance recognizing multi-partner relationships. The law has proceeded even more rapidly in recognizing that it is possible for a child to have more than two legal parents.”

Progress. Hopefully we progress much faster.

“Why then,” posited the judge, “except for the very real possibility of implicit majoritarian animus, is the limitation of two persons inserted into the definition of a family-like relationship for the purposes of receiving the same protections from eviction accorded to legally formalized or blood relationships? Is ‘two’ a ‘code word’ for monogamy? Why does a person have to be committed to one other person in only certain prescribed ways in order to enjoy stability in housing after the departure of a loved one?”

There's no good reason to deny the validity of polyamorous relationships, nor to discriminate against them.

Our courts, legislatures, service providers, workplaces, and so many others must embrace relationship rights and full marriage equality for all. Let people have the relationships and form the families to which they mutually agree. Stop trying to force a narrow heteromonogamous paradigm onto everyone.

Let's keep making progress!

National Sons Day

In the US, Wednesday, September 28 is National Sons Day.

Celebrate sons. All sons, regardless of sexual orientation or relationships. 

Whether they are cis, trans, fluid, or whatever their identity, if they are sons, today is their day.

Are you a son?

Do you have a son?

Are you celebrating?

Do tell in the comments below.

France Must Move Forward

The laws and people of France must move forward, not backward, when it comes to the rights of all adults to share love, sex, kink, residence, and marriage as they mutually agree.

This means consanguinamory must remain decriminalized. Furthermore, consanguinamorists should be free to marry.

Liberty demands this.

Equality demands this.

Fraternity demands this. (HELLO! What could be more fraternal than consanguinamory???)

Let's check in on what is going on in France right now, with this report at connexionfrance.com from Emma Morgan...

A new report aimed at improving the French state’s response to childhood and incestual sexual abuse does not include plans to ban incest in all its forms in France.

In France, there is no law in particular against two adults (those aged 18 and over) engaging in a consensual incestuous relationship or having children.

However, it is illegal when anyone under the age of 18 is involved, under a law which came into force in April 2021.

Adults should be free to have their relationships. Consenting adults having their freedom is an entirely different think that child abuse. The two should never be conflated!

In January this year, the French government announced that it intended to criminalise all incestuous relationships, whether those involved were children or adults.

That would be a a terrible injustice. Stick to going after child abusers, not people who are loving each other.

The state Commission indépendante sur l’inceste et les violences sexuelles faites aux enfants (Ciivise) has now collected 16,414 testimonies from victims of sexual violence over a year, and outlined five areas of improvement for authorities. 

Again, abuse and affection are two different things. How about collecting testimonies of love, joy, pleasure from consanguinamory? Abuse is a horror. Love is wonderful.

The resulting final report does not contain a recommendation to ban all forms of incest, but instead outlines plans to remove parental authority from parents who are convicted of having committed incestuous sexual violence on their child.

Again, two different things.

“[A sexual relationship] between a parent and a child always involves a form of control even when the child has reached adulthood, which is why incest is a specific act that requires specific legislation."

Oh really? When a 30 year-old man who is doing well in life meets a 55 year-old woman and they find each other irresistibly attractive, and they later realize he resulted from an egg donation by her, exactly who is exerting the control???

Let's be clear. Abuse, especially of children is a horror and resources should be directed at stopping it. Love and play between consenting adults is an entirely different thing. It's not a horror. It is delightful.

It is certain that right now, as you are reading this, there are close relatives in France who are making love. Ordinary French people. Extraordinary French people. Accomplished French people. Admired French people. Consanguinamorous people are everywhere, and always have been. Do not spit on their self-determination when it comes to their relationships.

They should be free to live their lives quietly, or come out of the closet, and to marry if they want, without being criminalized, bullied, harassed, or discriminated against.

We support love. Don't you?

National Daughters Day

In the US, Sunday, September 25 is National Daughters Day.

Celebrate daughters. All daughters, regardless of sexual orientation or relationships. 

Whether they are cis, trans, fluid, or whatever their identity, if they are daughters, today is their day.

Are you a daughter?

Do you have a daughter?

Are you celebrating?

Do tell in the comments below.

EDIT: To the daughter who submitted a comment here earlier today (Monday) or late yesterday, you and/or your father (and anyone else reading this for that matter) are welcome to contact me.

Bisexual Visibility Day

Friday, September 23 is Bisexual Visibility Day. 

To all bisexuals, especially our friends and readers, we see you. 

You are valid. 

You should have your rights and freedoms. 

You deserve representation. 

You should not be pressured to be closeted or to hide.

We celebrate our bisexual family, friends, and neighbors!

Support For Full Marriage Equality

This is so good to see. 

More people in elected office and running for office should publicly endorse full marriage equality.

An adult should be free to marry any and all consenting adults.

It’s that simple.

That should be the law in every nation.

Thank, you, Representative Val Demings.

See the tweet here. Interact with with replies at your own risk.

NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #9

“They’re abusive.” Interracial, (adult) intergenerational, same-gender, polyamorous, and consanguinamorous relationships are not inherently abusive. It is the abusive relationships in general that are more likely to make news, or come to the attention of therapists or law enforcement. There are many people in "forbidden" relationships that are lasting, happy, healthy relationships.

Abusive people are the cause of abuse, not a relationship or marriage. There are many same-age, same-race, heterosexual, monogamous, nonconsanguineous relationships and marriages in which someone is abused. We have several examples showing that outlawing consensual behavior correlates to an increase in problems as people try to avoid law enforcement and other authorities. Marriage equality will most certainly reduce abuse, as abuse victims can go to the authorities with much less fear. So the solution isn’t the status quo, it is in bringing the relationships out of the shadows, allowing them to be protected and made official, and prosecuting abusers. Abuse victims will be much more forthcoming.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #8 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #10

Dear Abby Gets a Letter About Son Staring at Mom

CAN'T UNSEE THIS wrote to Dear Abby... 

I have caught my boyfriend looking at his mom's rear end more than once.

Most men attracted to women, even ones who agree to monogamy, will look frequently at other women. Some of those men are better at hiding it than others, but most will look.

Many men also experience what we call the Westermarck Effect when it comes to their own mother, so they won't look at her "that way." But not all men raised by their genetic mother will develop that Effect when it comes to her, and if she didn't raise him, at least from about age seven into puberty, there was no chance for the Effect to take hold.

The bottom line, no pun intended, is what, if anything, he does beyond staring, and if that is OK by the letter writer. If he just looks, how does that in any way hurt the letter writer?

She sometimes walks around the house in tight-fitting booty shorts that are so short you can see part of her butt. Sometimes he actually stares, which I find extremely disturbing.

It's possible, if he does it only when she's wearing something revealing, that he's not attracted to her, but is simply staring because of the fact that the clothing is revealing.

I'm not sure what to do. I have even thought about breaking up with him. 

If his behavior isn't compatible with what you want, then break up with him. It won't be good for anyone if there is negativity between the three of you.

Dear Abby replied...

Have you talked with your boyfriend about your observation? If you haven't, you should.

If the staring is unacceptable, there's no point in talking with him. It's what he chooses to do. If the staring is acceptable, but if the letter writer wants to try to see if he wants to do more than stare, she can try. He likely wouldn't tell if he would like to do more, unless he has any reason to believe the letter writer wouldn't freak out. But we know she would, since she finds the staring "extremely disturbing." This means she should either end the relationship or examine why she finds it extremely disturbing.

If you are seriously worried that he's lusting after his mother, you should absolutely end the romance.

OK, but far more men are lusting after their mother than will admit it to a girlfriend. Some have actually shared sex with their mother. The letter writer could end up with such a man and never know it. For all she knows, she's already been with such a man and thought it was a great relationship.

Each individual must decide for themselves what is acceptable in a relationship and what they want. The more requirements of, or restrictions on, a partner, then the smaller the pool of potential partners. I'm not saying that's good or bad. It's simply the reality. There probably isn't a situation anywhere in which two partners know absolutely everything about each other and all their thoughts. Prejudices about consanguinamory ruin good things. If the relationship is otherwise great, she might want to see if she can learn to accept that this man stares at his mother's butt when his mother is showing it off.

Unfortunately, the comments are full of bigotry.