Love and Abuse Are Two Different Things

There’s a difference between sex, whether exploratory, recreational, an expression of a deep love, or whatever context... and abuse, especially child abuse. Unfortunately, both are often lumped together under the word “incest.” There’s no comparison. A parent, grandparent, or some other older relative molesting a child should bring severe criminal sentences. A loving and consensual sexual relationship between adult siblings or between a parent and adult children shouldn’t be criminal and should be eligible for marriage. Consensual exploration between minor relatives close in age should not be a criminal matter, either.

Likewise, some have tried to depict polygamy as a certain form of patriarchal polygyny between older men and minor girls. A man “marrying” multiple minor girls (or just one) should be locked up. An adult man and two adult women choosing to build a life together should have their marriage recognized by the law, if that is what they choose. The same goes for three women, or two men and a woman, and others.

Rape, assault, and molestation are and should be crimes, as they are perpetrated against someone who doesn’t or is unable to consent to being sexually touched. But while some rape is incestuous, not all incest is rape or molestation. Consensual incest ("consanguinamory") is an expression of love or affection, and it should not be a crime.

If you have been attacked, assaulted, raped, or molested, please know that you are not alone and there is help. You should not be ashamed. Your attacker should be ashamed, and convicted, whether a family member, a stranger, or someone somewhere between. And if you have seen someone being abused, report it to the police.

One of the groups that can help is RAINN - Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network. Yes, the name does nothing to remove the negative connotation from “incest,” but they can still be helpful.

Another resource is Survivors of Incest Anonymous. Again, I wish the name was different, but I’m just glad there is help for anyone who was raped or molested by a family member.

Perhaps you have been experiencing some attraction to a family member, especially one you were previously separated from for a long time. Or, perhaps you aren’t but know of a family member who is feeling that way towards you or someone else. Whether those feelings are wanted, unwanted, or you’re not quite sure, you can find some support, sympathy, and advice.

But if you have, or are, experiencing attraction and love with a consenting family member, or have chosen a polyarmorous relationship, don’t let anyone put you down or interfere with your happiness. While we have a ways to go to reach equality under the law, consanguineous love and polyamory can be a beautiful things. In a world with abuse, bitter family rifts, estrangement, and rampant divorce, we should never discourage loving intimacy.