Coming Out Consanguinamorous

Bumping this previous entry up...

Imagine, for a moment, that after having had a love life that could be described as “typical,” and marrying in your mid or late twenties, your world was turned upside down when you found out, several years into your marriage, that your spouse was having an affair and was leaving you. Imagine the terrible feelings and the turmoil and having to get back on your feet. Someone who has always been a good friend to you, someone you can trust more than anyone else in the world, helps you through all of it. This person had already been through something similar, and becomes a great shoulder to cry on. You enjoy spending time together, you find comfort in that person’s arms, and you notice that you both want the same things out of life. You love this person. To your surprise, you discover that you’ve become physically attracted to this person. After having an especially great evening together, you end up making love. It is the best sex you’ve ever had. Nothing else comes close. As the months go by after that special evening, you fall deeper and deeper in love. This person is the love of your life. But there's a problem...



The problem is, this person is your sibling. You love this person and you’re happy with this person and you don’t want anyone else; yet, you know that there are other people who won’t approve. Aside from the disapproval of others, you can’t think of any good reason the two of your shouldn’t be together.

Should you keep your love secret?

Would you be able to keep your love a secret?

You may want to tell the world. But the world often doesn’t want to hear it.

There are adult, consensual relationships that have been prohibited in law, and even if not, they have still been subject to persecution, discrimination, bullying, public condemnation, and rejection by family and supposed friends. These have included, to varying degrees, interracial relationships, intergenerational relationships, same-sex relationships, polyamorous relationships, and consanguinamorous relationships.

When being in a relationship can mean rejection by family, rejection by social institutions, discrimination (employment, custody, etc.), bullying, and even criminal prosecution, the question must be asked: Should you come out?

Most consanguinamorous people can, and have, had nonconsanguinamorous relationships. But they aren’t harming anyone by loving each other; why shouldn’t consenting adults be allowed to be together? Many people who are in or have had consanguinamorous relationships say nothing else compares. They could never be as happy or as in love in another relationship. Trying to force these people to settle for others isn’t fair to anyone, including someone who ends up being the person “settled” for, or the ‘beard.”

We see in the news that consanguineous sex still brings criminal charges, and even if the lovers are living where the laws are more sensible, there can still be all of the other negative reactions. If the lovers want as little trouble as possible, then they need to keep quiet and discrete. What about so many of the usual things lovers share, such as love letters and notes? Unfortunately, those can become evidence in a criminal case. Try as some people might, they sometimes can’t hide their love for other. Others can be nosy and suspicious; throw in jealousy and they may look for proof of their suspicions, and may make a complaint to authorities even if they don’t have evidence to show.

As Anonymous wrote after I posted about an arrest…

The first rule of incest club is that you don't talk about incest club.

The second rule of incest club is that you don't talk about incest club on the phone.

The third rule of incest club is that you don't talk about incest club on phones that are bugged by the police.

A good many incestuous relationships seem to be uncovered due to what people do on the phone. The case of the Columbia professor and is adult daughter comes to mind. They were sending each other explicit text messages that his wife used to get them busted.

Now along come these two nitwits who were so clueless they discussed their private sexual relationship using phones controlled and monitored by the police department. If all crooks were this stupid, the cops would never have to leave the doughnut shop.

Those of you out there who are enjoying a sexual relationship with a member of your family as two consenting adults need to be very careful about what you say and do. Communicating about your relationship through a medium that creates a permanent record of what you are saying or writing is the very best way to get caught I know of. Communicate in private and in person, not through means that can be intercepted and used to persecute you.

VeganJoyJoy replied…

Anonymous, while I understand what you are saying. I have to disagree to some level. If the gays hadn't started coming out of their shell then they would still be persecuted to this day. We need brave souls who can shed light on the prejudice against incestuous couples. MANY of course will still end up going to jail, but if enough people come out of their shell then their would be a whole nother movement for them. It's not gonna happen overnight unfortunately, but overtime when people start to have relatives or friends that are curious about incestuous relationships, soon the prejudice will slowly die.

This blog supports the rights of adults to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any consenting adults; this includes supporting the right to consanguinamory. Consanguinamorous relationships should not be criminal; the lovers should be free to marry. But we have to deal with things as they are now, not as they will be when we have full marriage equality.

Coming out can hasten this freedom of association and the freedom to marry. Most bigots will always be bigots. But there are people who, if asked today, would say that consanguinamorous people should not be allowed to marry and should even be prosecuted, who will change their mind if they are simply questioned as to why they would take that position. Discussing the issue can help them change their mind and support equality for all. Even more so, though, finding out that someone they know and appreciate is, or has been, in a consanguinamorous relationship. The reality of the love and mutual enjoyment and healthy exploration melts away the ignorance and old wives tales.

For that reason, I support those who decide to come out, or at lease come out enough to tell their stories, even if they protect their identity somewhat. People need to know they aren’t alone, especially if they are younger. For example, when two minor siblings who are close in age experiment and are caught, the answer is not to have either of them arrested or sent to counseling, and they should know that such experimentation is common. Most of them will move on to others.

On the other hand, I also support those who decide to stay in the closet. Some people finally have happiness together after many years of struggle, and they don’t want to risk losing it.

The decision must be something decided by the participants in each relationship. Do they hide their relationship as much as possible? Do they come out to a handful of very trusted, reliable people? Do they come out to everyone or simply be honest and open and let people figure it out for themselves? Either way, if at all possible, they should live where the law will not prosecute them. If they do not want to be outed, they should not be careless, because there are too many hateful people out there who want to destroy the happiness of others.

Consanguinamory has existed everywhere throughout history, among the rich and the poor, the royal and the common, the rural and the urban. Consanguinamorous people are your family members, coworkers, neighbors, and friends, whether you know it or not. The sooner consanguinamorous people don't have to consider whether and how to stay in the closet, the better.