When a Partner's Past Bothers You

In the Relationship Advice Reddit, a posting received a huge response both on Reddit and on Twitter. It was titled "I (28M) found out that my gf (25F) once had a threesome with her sister (22F) and it creeps me out"

I have been dating a girl I'll call Jess for just over a year now. From the beginning I thought she was a great girl and we really clicked, so generally things have been going great between us.

Sounds good, right?

Well we were drinking quite a bit that night and at one point Anne brought up a sexual encounter she recently had. While I'm not a prude, I didn't really feel comfortable talking about sex with my gf's sister so I gently tried to tell them to take the conversation back to PG territory. 

At that point Anne kinda laughed and said it's not like talking about sex is a big deal between them given all they've been through. I thought she just meant that they were sisters, but Jess had a weird look on her face, so I asked her what she meant. After some prodding they basically admitted that three years ago when Jess was still in college she brought home a guy one time when Anne was visiting her and they basically had an unplanned drunk threesome. My reaction was just wtf. Both Jess and Anne seem like normal, maybe even slightly conservative girls, so the idea that they would do this was just bats--- to me. I asked them if they regretted it, but basically they said that even though it was a mistake, they didn't necessarily feel bad about it. 

The booze was hitting us pretty badly at that point and we called it a night soon after that. We didn't mention it again until Anne left a day later, but then I had another conversation with Jess. I told her that what her sister told me made me very uncomfortable. Her response was to get defensive and say it's not like she can change anything so what's the point of dwelling on it. She said she obviously wouldn't do something like that ever again. 

The problem is somehow the situation really bothers me. I know it sounds like a fantasy to some people, but I find it quite the opposite. I don't really know how to explain it, I suppose they did nothing wrong per se, but the idea very much weirds me out. It's even weird to think about being around Anne again knowing that they have this kind of history.

I'm on Reddit. So I wrote...

Myth: GSA is an Excuse for Pedophilia

Reality: Since Genetic Sexual Attraction involves people who are post-pubescent, by definition it doesn't involve pedophilia.

GSA can be experienced by and towards post-pubescent minors (for example, 17-years-old where the age of consent is 18) and as such, it is possible that acting sexually in such situations breaks age of consent laws.

Reunion GSA can be experienced by anyone who is post-pubescent towards someone else who is post-pubescent, provided the sexual orientations and genders align (for example, a strictly gay man will not experience GSA for his sister) and the necessary conditions exist (close genetic relation, negligible presence from age seven into puberty). As such, middle-aged half-siblings who are reunited may experience it. A genetic parent may experience it for their genetic child, but a 45-year-old being attracted to 25-year-old isn't pedophilia.

GSA does not provide an excuse to abuse children. There is no excuse to abuse children.

See Myth: GSA Doesn't Exist or is Very Rare

See Myth: Sex in GSA Relationships Always Means Someone is Being Abused

International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia

May 17 is the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia.

Regardless of someone's sex or gender identity, regardless of their sexual orientation, an adult should be free to be themselves, to be in public, to work, to be "single," or to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults, without fear of prosecution, bullying, harassment, discrimination, or any other negative effects of homophobia, transphobia, biphobia, etc.

Let's stand up to hate, bigotry, prejudice, discrimination, bullying, and unjust laws. Let's protect people from being abused by those who would perpetuate hate.

Progress is often difficult and achieved through much struggle. Sometimes it can seem like there have been setbacks. But overall, progress is being made. Let's keep the momentum going!

GSA and Stepping Out

Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) can prompt cheating in relationships that otherwise would never have cheating. So if you’re reading this because you’ve cheated on a partner with your GSA contact, or because your partner may have cheated on you with their GSA contact, please keep that in mind. (You also might want to read this entry as well if you think you're being cheated on or are about to be.)

This blog endorses ethical or consensual/disclosed nonmonogamy as no less valid and respectful than monogamy. Your blogger is polyamorous himself, but supports the rights of adults regardless of his own personal orientation and interests, including people who want monogamy.

This blog does not endorse cheating on a sexual, romantic, or spousal partner (which can happen in monogamous or polyamorous relationships), but also doesn’t endorse criminal punishment for cheating.

I don’t consider cheating to be egregious when it is to get some relief from a spouse or partner who has seriously broken vows or agreements by being abusive, neglectful, etc. Ideally, people would leave relationships in which they are being neglected or rejected, but that isn’t always possible or the best solution for a variety of reasons.

Relationships, especially marriages, can be very complicated. For example, it is easy for outsiders to see a married woman flirting with someone behind her husband’s back, and think less of her for doing so, but what those outsiders don’t see is that her husband barely interacts with her in private and refuses to even touch her and yet he wants her to go without affection and intimacy with others. Not wanting to break up the home of her young children before they are grown, she stays, and seeks comfort with others. Of course this kind of relationship situation happens regardless of genders.

In general, someone who is happy in a healthy relationship and is not deficient in their self-control will not cheat. However, when it comes to Genetic Sexual Attraction, someone who is in a happy relationship or would otherwise never cheat (not with a coworker, not with a neighbor, not with a former partner, not with anyone) may not withstand the dynamics involved, and may cheat as a result. If their relationship was already terminally ill, or experiencing serious problems, then keeping mutual GSA nonsexual is that much less likely.

GSA is usually overwhelming, and bonds formed in its caldera can become especially strong.

Myth: GSA Doesn't Exist or is Very Rare

Reality: We have many situations today in which people are raised apart of close genetic relatives and are later introduced to, or reunited with, those relatives.

They may have been apart due to one or more of them being the result of affairs, flings, one night stands, or egg/sperm/embryo donations, or because of adoption, divorces or breakups, migration, or incarceration.

Social networking, DNA/ancestry testing, and increased mobility bring them together.

In up to 50% of situations in which they are brought (back) together, when they are post-pubescent and the genders and sexual orientations are compatible, at least one person will experience GSA.

If you know of two heterosexual men who’ve met their heterosexual half-sisters, it is likely at least one of those four people has experienced GSA, even if they’ve never said or done anything to reveal that to you.

There are scientific studies that show that most people are attracted to people who look like them. When close genetic relatives are not raised together or by one another, the Westermarck Effect can hardly develop to override this attraction.  

Genetic Sexual Attraction exists and is common to introductions/reunions of close genetic relatives.

See Myth: Genetic Sexual Attraction is Just a Fancy Way of Saying Incest

See Myth: GSA is an Excuse for Pedophilia

Dear Abby Gets a GSA Letter

Dear Abby recently printed a letter that likely involves Genetic Sexual Attraction. PUT OFF IN NEW JERSEY wrote...

Six months ago, my husband, "Lee," met his long-lost sister, his father's daughter from a previous marriage. Lee's father passed away when he was 6; he is now 30.

Since he and his four siblings met their half-sister, she has become obsessive over him. She calls and keeps him on the phone for hours, three or four times a week. I didn't mind at first, but it has gotten out of control, and she constantly texts him.

If Lee doesn't respond, she texts him asking if he's angry. She expresses how "in love" she is with him and how happy she is to have met him. (She doesn't say these things to the others.)

This definitely sounds like the half-sister is experiencing GSA. But is Lee?

When I recently expressed my concern, he got offended.

Hmm.

How should I cope with this? She also says unflattering things about me to him and tries to turn him against me. I know, because I heard the whole conversation.

Lee has certain obligations to this letter writer, since he made vows to her, or at least some marital agreement. He should be able to communicate with his half-sister, but there have to be some limits. Husband and wife need to negotiate about what's acceptable and what isn't.

Unfortunately for the letter writer, if Lee is also experiencing GSA, it is likely that his connection with his half-sister is going to keep going strong, at least for a while.

This is another example of why consanguinamory needs to be decriminalized and destigmatized and GSA and consanguinamory need to be studied and issues need to be addressed like any other relationship. 

I wish I could talk with this letter writer. (If you or someone you know identifies with this letter writer, her husband Lee, or his half-sister, please do feel free to contact me.) 

Some thinks I'd say to this letter writer:

1) How was your marriage with Lee before this happened?
2) Do you have children together?
3) Do you need both emotional and sexual monogamy in your marriage?
4) Lee might be experiencing something unlike anything else he's felt before. Try to have some grace for him, but don't be a doormat.

If I could talk with Lee, I'd also ask him how his marriage was before all this started. Cheating generally isn't a good way to live, and he has obligations to his wife. So, he needs to figure things out with her. His interactions with his half-sister so far are nothing like carrying out an ongoing, in-person relationship, and even if they are both strongly attracted to each other, they might not actually be compatible. Finally, I'd point out that New Jersey has no laws against half-siblings having sex, but there's still an enormous amount of hate and discrimination directed at such lovers. 

GSA and Stepping Out

Mother’s Day

It's Mother's Day, at least around these parts, so Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there, especially mothers who face discrimination, persecution, and even prosecution for loving one or more other adults, and the mothers who've stood by their children who've faced bigotry for being who they are and loving who they do.

We're making progress. Hang in there and continue to care for your loved ones.

If you have plans for an interesting Mother's Day or end up having an interesting Mother's Day and you think our readers will want to hear about it, do tell! Sons and daughters.... any special plans?

I include those who've "adopted" mother figures, especially if you've done so because your own mother is no longer with us or was not a supportive person. Almost all of us have a mother in our life, even if that mother isn't officially family.

Some mothers have recently been surprised by discovering just how much they are loved. Some have recently been reunited after having to be apart for many months.

So you mothers or the people who admire them: comment below, which you can do anonymously, or you can email fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

Science Again Says Consanguinamory is Natural

Time and time again, we see that science and appeals to nature actually back allowing people to have the relationships to which they mutually agree. Bigots who try to use appeals to nature to interfere with relationship and sexual rights are embarrassed over and over again.

From scitechdaily.com...

“People assume that animals should avoid mating with a relative when given the chance,” says Raïssa de Boer, researcher in zoology at Stockholm University. “But evolutionary theory has been telling us that animals should tolerate, or even prefer, mating with relatives under a broad range of conditions for more than four decades.”

This isn't so surprising to some. Part of the natural spectrum of sexual diversity includes a consanguinamorous orientation.

The study provides a synthesis of 139 experimental studies in 88 species spanning 40 years of research, settling the longstanding debate between theoretical and empirical expectations about if and when animals should avoid inbreeding.

“We address the ‘elephant in the room’ of inbreeding avoidance studies by overturning the widespread assumption that animals will avoid inbreeding whenever possible,” says Raïssa de Boer.

The study demonstrates that animals rarely attempt to avoid mating with relatives, a finding that was consistent across a wide range of conditions and experimental approaches.

Consensual incest has always been a part of life. That includes humans. Most children born to close relatives are healthy.

“We compared studies that asked if humans avoid inbreeding when presented with pictures of faces that were digitally manipulated to make the faces look either more or less related to studies that used similar approaches in other animals. Just like other animals, it turns out that there is no evidence that humans prefer to avoid inbreeding,” says Raïssa de Boer.

Of course, attraction often involves more than appearance. But along with the information about other animals, this refutes the idea that consanguineous mating is unnatural and naturally repulsive. 

If researchers could study consanguinamory in humans, these findings would be further bolstered. 

There is no good reason to deny consenting adults the relationships to which they mutually agree, including full marriage equality. 

Myth: Genetic Sexual Attraction is Just a Fancy Way of Saying Incest

Reality: First of all, Genetic Attraction or Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) describes an attraction, not an action, and incest is an action. So GSA is not an synonym for incest.

Not all GSA situations involve sex. However, even when it does involve sex, by definition the people involved in reunion GSA were not raised together or by one another, so were not socialized and bonded as family while growing up.

It might be classified as incest in law and biologically, but it isn’t incestuous socially.

Reunion GSA describes a specific experience that does not involve people who have been socialized as family; sex may or may not be involved.

Consider a hypothetical situation.

See Myth: GSA Doesn't Exist or is Very Rare

Be Afraid! Be Very Afraid!

Are you bothered that there are people who are in love even though they are close relatives? Do you think the world is falling apart when you hear about them?

Well, guess what?

RIGHT NOW, and any moment of every day, there are thousands, maybe millions of them in the throes of ecstasy with each other, making love, having sex, embracing, kissing, having orgasms. Maybe even three, four, or more lovers all together! Related!!! And they’re going to keep doing it whether you like it or not.

Yet the planet keeps turning.

Does that bother you?

If it does, you might want to get some help.

Celebrating International Consanguinamory Day

April 28 is a day to celebrate and to affirm consanguinamory. 

People who are consanguinamorous or in consanguinamorous relationships shouldn't have to hide.

Consanguinamory has always been part of the human experience, wherever people have been, regardless of location, class, or demographics. 

Consanguinamory isn't shameful. It is quite often a beautiful thing. 

Consenting adults should be free to love each other how they mutually agree, and shouldn't have to hide their love. They should be free to share their love and be true to themselves, without being prosecuted, persecuted, or discriminated against. 

To all consanguinamorous people:

Most of you have to keep your celebrations private, but we know you're out there, and you are valid and deserve your rights. Today is your day. Progress is being made. Let's make more!

International Consanguinamory Day

April 28, 2021 is the fourth Annual International Consanguinamory Day.

It is a day to celebrate and raise awareness about consanguinamory, consauinamorous relationships, and consanguinamorous people. It is important for people to know:

• They know people who are consanguinamorous, perhaps people they love and admire.
• Consanguinamorists exist in every demographic, race, class, and population and always have.
• Consanguinamory is in your genealogy.
• Consanguinamorists face prejudice, harassment, discrimination, even criminalization and murder simply for being who they are and loving other consenting adults.
• We are going to ensure that people of all genders, sexual orientations, and relationship orientations, including consanguinamorous people, have their rights sooner rather than later.

The double-bond or double-love of consanguinamory is worth celebrating.

Consanguinamorous people and allies are welcome to join Kindred Spirits for support and opportunities to help others. If you’re consanguinamorous, you’re not alone!

This year, we especially welcome those who have newly enjoyed consanguinamory or have discovered or confirmed their consanguinamorous orientation due to the COVID-19 "stay home" precautions.