When a Partner's Past Bothers You

In the Relationship Advice Reddit, a posting received a huge response both on Reddit and on Twitter. It was titled "I (28M) found out that my gf (25F) once had a threesome with her sister (22F) and it creeps me out"

I have been dating a girl I'll call Jess for just over a year now. From the beginning I thought she was a great girl and we really clicked, so generally things have been going great between us.

Sounds good, right?

Well we were drinking quite a bit that night and at one point Anne brought up a sexual encounter she recently had. While I'm not a prude, I didn't really feel comfortable talking about sex with my gf's sister so I gently tried to tell them to take the conversation back to PG territory. 

At that point Anne kinda laughed and said it's not like talking about sex is a big deal between them given all they've been through. I thought she just meant that they were sisters, but Jess had a weird look on her face, so I asked her what she meant. After some prodding they basically admitted that three years ago when Jess was still in college she brought home a guy one time when Anne was visiting her and they basically had an unplanned drunk threesome. My reaction was just wtf. Both Jess and Anne seem like normal, maybe even slightly conservative girls, so the idea that they would do this was just bats--- to me. I asked them if they regretted it, but basically they said that even though it was a mistake, they didn't necessarily feel bad about it. 

The booze was hitting us pretty badly at that point and we called it a night soon after that. We didn't mention it again until Anne left a day later, but then I had another conversation with Jess. I told her that what her sister told me made me very uncomfortable. Her response was to get defensive and say it's not like she can change anything so what's the point of dwelling on it. She said she obviously wouldn't do something like that ever again. 

The problem is somehow the situation really bothers me. I know it sounds like a fantasy to some people, but I find it quite the opposite. I don't really know how to explain it, I suppose they did nothing wrong per se, but the idea very much weirds me out. It's even weird to think about being around Anne again knowing that they have this kind of history.

I'm on Reddit. So I wrote...

If you can’t get over it, leave the relationship. But I want to ask you and all of the people here bashing your girlfriend just how strict their disapproval is? It is very common for siblings to experiment at younger ages. I’m sure some of the people bashing the girlfriend have played at least “show me yours, I’ll show you mine” at some age. If that is unacceptable in a partner, well, a lot of you should break up with your current partner. 

If it disgusts you now, so be it. But your disgust should have no control over someone else’s life. And guess what? You know someone... maybe even someone you admire... who has had sexual contact with a sibling, maybe even an ongoing relationship. It’s that common. I’m talking about consensual affection, not abuse. I have interviewed scores of siblings who have. Some of them have even been living like spouses for many years and their neighbors have no clue. 

Let people have the relationships to which they mutually agree. If you can’t tolerate what someone has done before when it comes to them being in a relationship with you, move on.

Someone going by chocolates8n actually thought this was a good reply to my comment... 

Who the f--- is raising you people 🤢 like id that what you were taught in your household,that consensual relationships between siblings are common and normal.... ? Please don’t have children lmao 

EWWW YOURE LITERALLY ACTIVE IN THE INCEST RELATIONSHIPS REDDIT

Over and over again, we see there's no good reason to condemn people for consanguineous sexual contact or "nearcest," which is what this might have been. Personal disgust is not a reason. While we don't know how much the sisters interacted, if at all, even if they were having sex with each other, there's nothing wrong with that. But the other issue is what the man who posted this should do. Indeed, if he can't get over it, they should stop seeing each other. She should be with people who accept her, and he can go through life passing up great relationships because the other person has had experiences that bother him.

Where is the line? Can he be with someone who played doctor with siblings when they are young kids? What if they masturbated in front of each other when they were young teens? What if they've kissed on the lips, which is very common in some cultures? What if they've experienced consanguinamory?

Let's not forget how popular the fantasies, soap operas, and erotica featuring someone being with siblings, especially twins.

Again, if he can't get over it, he should move on, but people are limiting themselves if they are so close-minded. There are far more people with such experiences than most people realize.