Dan Savage Answered Another GSA Question

Every once in a while I notice when Dan Savage answers a question about consanguineous sex, whether initiated by Genetic Sexual Attraction or not. Here's one from last month. 

Q: I have a question about adult incest, also called genetic sexual attraction in the adoption community (GSA). I slept with my biological father 30 years ago. We met when I was an adult after I had been raised by my adoptive parents. Now it’s so awkward to act like I’m a sister to the other children he raised. Should I ever tell them that our dad is my ex-boyfriend?

A: No — if there’s no chance your siblings will ever find out, take that I-fucked-our-father shit to the grave.

For her to tell her genetic siblings would be outing herself. In some circumstances, coming out can be liberating and empowering. For the consanguinamorous, it can be very risky. Consanguinamory is still criminalized in a lot of places, although there might be a limitation that means nothing that happened 30 years ago can be prosecuted now. Legal issues aside, there's a still much prejudice.

The woman asking this question needs to consider: What would be the benefit of outing herself? She might think it would explain how she interacts with her genetic (half?) siblings, but if she wasn't raised with them, might feel awkward trying to have a sibling relationship with them even if she'd never had sex with their shared genetic father.

So, my advice would be to set aside what happened 30 years ago and ask, "Are these good people? Is interacting with them more positive than negative? Do we have things in common?" If the answers to those questions are all "Yes," then accept that there is awkwardness (which the others might not feel at all), and get on with it. But if any of the answers are "No," the woman asking the question is not obligated to keep interacting, or interacting as much as she had been. They are genetically related, but that doesn't obligate they "act like siblings" or be friends.

Genetic Sexual Attraction is far more common than people think, common enough that people should be informed about it and assume that is has been experienced in cases like this and has been acted upon. And that doesn't necessarily warrant any judgment or action. So what if people enjoyed sex with each other in the past? How is that anyone else's business? If you're curious, and you want to ask questions and the person who experienced it is willing to answer them, that's one thing. But leave the bigotry aside.

Does this raise questions for you? Anything you want to share? You can comment below or you can reach out to Keith.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

In the US, Monday is a holiday, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. He was a giant in the fight for civil rights.



Many decades after he was assassinated, the fight for civil rights continues.

History is on our side. All consenting adults will be free to exercise their rights to share love, sex, residence, and marriage.

Are you like those who kept trying to keep some people second-class citizens, or are you like the people who marched with King?

This is how you can help.

Consanguinamory Is Not Dysfunction

ALL IN THE FAMILY wrote into Dear Abby to say that when she was first married, her husband's mother and sisters were "hostile" to her, and she didn't know why. (Side note: Don't marry someone if they're close with their family and their family is hostile to you.) She may or may not be accurate about the treatment, given what she writes later. But let's assume she is.

When they started treating our children the same way, my husband finally addressed the issue.

That's good, but he shouldn't have let them do it to her, either.

We moved out of town, and he finally told me that when he was in his teens and early 20s, he had had sex with all of them, which was why they didn't like me.

There is too much information missing from this.

There are two basic possibilities to what happened:

1) When he was 13, his mother, and possibility significantly older sisters, started assaulting him. That's not "having sex." But that's not how the letter reads. 

2) When he was a teen, he and his sisters, who are close in age to him and each other, starting experimenting with sex. After a while, as they got older, they involved their mother. (Yes, this has happened.) Or he was 18 or 19 and started with his mother, and then his sisters.

Those are two different things. If it was the latter, which is far more common than most people admit, I wouldn't be surprised if he was still having sex with them until shortly before the move. It would explain the timing of his disclosure. Or at least until the wedding. Consanguinamorous bonds can be very strong.

A Brother and Sister Add To Their Love

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Ringing in the New Year At Home?

Are you going to be at home with family while ringing in the New Year?

Who will you be kissing and midnight?

If you do find, or already have found, yourself having feelings for. or sharing affection with, family members, you're definitely not alone. It appears that this year has seen more of that than any previous year in history. And, as it was before this year, it was common enough for close relatives to share sexual or romantic affection that you certainly know people who have. You are NOT alone.

Whether you're blood relatives, step relatives, adoptive relatives, in-laws, or honorary relatives, there's nothing wrong with your feelings and, depending on the circumstances, there may be nothing wrong with sharing more affection. 

Will you make the most of this time?

You might need to read one or more entries on this blog that I list below. Feel free to contact me.

Here's a special message for young people.

Consanguinamory (Consensual Incest) FAQ

It's more common than most people think for close relatives to share sexual affection or experimentation. Intrafamilial sex and romance is as old as time.

Do You Have Feelings For a Close Relative?

Do you think or know that a close relative has feelings for you?

Yes, it is OK. But should you "do it" in your specific situation?

You might be able to make it happen. If you're the parent, there is more to consider.

Taking it slow and cautiously might be the way, unless the two (or three, or...?) of you can't hold back. Sometimes, the ice just needs breaking.

Stepsiblings, stepparents, and stepchildren might want to read this.

Are you considering coming out as consanguinamorous?

A message for family and friends.

How To Be An Ally to Consanguinamorous People You Know

Are you considering, or involved in, a situation that isn't monogamous?

Read exclusive interviews with close relatives who are involved in everything from spousal-style relationships to family-with-benefits arrangements.

If you've already shared sexual affection and are trying to sort everything out, this might help. 

If you can't be together geographically, you might be able to make the most of the distance. 

Again, you can contact Keith and you can comment below (including anonymously), so please share your thoughts, experiences, questions, plans, or anything else you want to share. 

Update on a Father and Daughter

Last year, we published an interview with a father in a consanguinamorous relationship with his daughter, and then another interview with the daughter.

Recently, the daughter gave birth to their third child together. 

The mother and child are doing fine.

Congratulations to all!

It's appreciated when people keep in contact. If you'd like to reach out to Keith or get back in touch with Keith, you're very much welcome to do so.

Happy Holidays!

The holiday season is here!

Whatever holidays you celebrate, or even if you don't celebrate any, we wish you a fabulous season full of warmth and love, especially after a year that has been tough for so many of us. Be safe!!!

May you and your loved ones have peace, health, and happiness.

I plan to update this blog as I can over the next few weeks, so keep checking back. Or better yet, subscribe (Follow) in the column over there on the right (for those of you looking at the web version)  if you haven't done so yet.

As a reminder, if you need someone to talk with or you just want to say hello to Keith, you can do so, as always, by emailing fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or message him on Wire at fullmarriageequality or on Facebook.

Switzerland Gains a Freedom to Marry

Switzerland is the 29th country to approve of the limited monogamous same-gender freedom to marry. Here's an article at gaystarnews.com...  

Switzerland’s parliament has passed the final vote on same-sex marriage, after a seven year campaign.

Seven years... let's speed up this momentum. Too many people are still denied their basic rights.

The vote could still be challenged by a public referendum. But even if it is, marriage equality is likely to win as the vast majority of Swiss citizens support it.

Good.

One thing the new marriage law does include, however, is access to sperm donation for same-sex female couples.

Interesting. 

Let's keep evolving so that we have FULL marriage equality and an adult is free to marry any and all consenting adults!

Unashamed

There was a comment left after the entry, "Why Do I Feel This Way?" from someone who is clearly longing for more with a loved one.

I no longer feel ashamed about what I feel for my sister.

At 52, I have finally accepted my romantic and sexual feelings towards her.

There is nothing... NOTHING... NOTHING wrong with having romantic and/or sexual feelings for someone else, and that goes for a sibling. 

Civil Unions AND Marriage Should Be For All Who Want Them

A friend called my attention to an article from this past October on comments from San Francisco's Archbishop relating to statements from the Pope. From newsweek.com... 

Salvatore Cordileone, the archbishop of San Francisco, responded to Pope Francis' historic endorsement of same-sex civil unions by saying such unions should be "as inclusive as possible," and extended to unmarried brothers and sisters who support each other.

Sure, offer civil unions and marriage - for any and all consenting adults.

Cordileone said civil unions which mutually benefit two people should not be limited to those in a same-sex relationship, and brothers and sisters in partnerships should be allowed the same rights.

It shouldn't be restricted at all, by number, gender, race, sexual orientation, or relation.

Cordileone added that marriage "is unique because it is the only institution that connects children to their mothers and fathers, and therefore is presumed to be a sexual relationship.

Church officials can have their views. In the US, they don't determine law. Whether or not people are having sex is not the law's business.

Keep it very simple. It's not the government's business to know which adults are having sex with each other, or are together without having sex, or if they engage in BDSM or any kink, or not, or have an open or closed relationship, or not. None of that should matter. Civil unions, domestic partnerships, and marriages should be available to all consenting adults who want them, regardless of race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. An adult should be free to enter into these relationships with any and all consenting adults. 

Attention Outgoing US Governors

There are state and territory Governors in the US who are rapidly approaching the end of their terms as Governor and will be leaving that office.

We are respectfully imploring you to use your executive powers to pardon any of your residents convicted of crimes due to having consensual (to be redundant) sex under anti-incest laws, whether they are currently in the justice system or not, even if they have since passed away.

Let's be clear. We're not talking about assault or child molestation. We're talking about sex between consenting adults (or between minors close in age to each other), still criminalized in your states. The laws should be changed, but since they haven't been yet, please have mercy on these people.

This plea is directed at the following Governors:

Steve Bullock - Montana

Chris Sununu - New Hampshire

Gary Herbert - Utah

Lolo Matalasi Moliga - American Samoa

Wanda Vázquez Garced - Puerto Rico

If we've missed an outgoing Governor or incorrectly included a Governor, we apologize.

If you have the power to do so, pardon or at least commute the sentences of those listed as criminals due to consanguineous affections.

If you are the Governor or someone on the Governor's staff, or someone with access to the Governor, please act quickly to get this done. We know time is very limited.

There is no good reason these people should suffer any more for having had a physical relationship.

Let's stop wasting public resources on treating these people like they are a threat to anyone. If they were convicted of additional crimes relating to the investigation, their arrest, prosecution, etc., please consider pardoning them of those, too.

Do the kind, merciful, and just thing as you end your term as Governor. Get on the right side of history!

Please pardon!

World AIDS Day

December 1 is World AIDS Day. It is very important to remember those we've lost to AIDS, to care for anyone battling AIDS, and to care for anyone with HIV.

We must continue to work for a cure and continue to fight the spread of HIV.

We should also never forget that stigmas, ignorance, bigotry, sex-negative attitudes and shaming have helped spread HIV and AIDS.

Let's continue to work for a better culture in which people aren't shamed and marginalized for their sexuality, nor stigmatized for getting sick.