Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A Family in Which the Love is Hidden

It is always painful to read of love that has to be hidden and is haunted by the threat of outside interference, especially when it could break up a family. morbitron wrote at

hi... i have a major problem. ive been having sex with my sister for 3 years now. it was all fine and dandy at first but there's a problem. we have a two year old daughter and im afraid of how she will grow up... ive been trying to keep it a secret from my family but its getting harder. i feel terrible for the child because if people find out then she will have to go the rest of her life as the girl who's mom and dad are brother and sister... ive decided that all i can do is just walk away and let my sister raise her. i pay my child support and thats all i can do. i feel like such a bad person for all of this because she will always wonder who her father is. its not fair to her but i don't know whats worse, that or the stigma i talked about earlier. am i a bad person or this?

It sounds like the daughter doesn’t know that he is her biological father, but he’s been the primary male role model in her life. Whether she knows or not, since she is two years old and he has been around the whole time, she is bonded to him.

It is terrible that they have to hide the truth. It would be so much better for everyone if the law, the community, and the family were all accepting of this loving relationship rather than condemning. He gives no indication that the child has suffered any ill effects; he’s worried about bullies acting on prejudice against consanguinamorous relationships. This is not a matter of incest as rape. This is a love story. He should stay with his sister and be there for the child he has helped make. It would be best if they could legally marry, if that is what they want.

Platypus responded…

I understand that your situation is a difficult one. However what's done, is done. Walking away from your sister and child does not change what has happened between you and your sister.

Why are you trying to keep it a secret from your family?

My guess is that they are hiding it for the same reason so many other consensual relationships that do not involve cheating are hidden: they want to avoid prejudice.

What does your sister want you to do? I imagine that you daughter would not want you to leave. Whatever your relation to her mother, she probably only sees you as her father. You are her daddy.

Walking away may be the easiest thing to do but you probably have other choices.

They should move to where they will not be prosecuted. They shouldn't have to move, but many places still have laws against this love and prosecutors and judges who still interfere.

There are many other people facing the same issues, which is one reason we need full marriage equality sooner rather than later.
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