Another Reason to Avoid Zimbabwe

A recent entry I wrote on Zimbabwe prompted me to get around to this news item about a father-daughter relationship. Considering we’re talking about a country in which two men can be imprisoned for simply holding hands, it shouldn’t be surprising that consanguinamory is subject to prosecution.

A man Nyamweda Village in Mhondoro has admitted to having an incestuous love affear relationship with his daughter for the past 16 years and siring her child in a case that has set tongues wagging in and around the district.

The man - whose to protect the identity of the child - initially denied the charges when he appeared before a chief's court on July 27.

He, however, gave in after being presented with overwhelming evidence.

This is described as a love affair, not a rape. So why is it a crime? It appears to me to be a lasting marriage situation.

Chief Nyamweda of Nyamweda Village - who presided over the case - last week confirmed fining him three beasts. He said the matter was also reported to Norton Police.

"The matter was brought to my attention. We subsequently deployed investigating officers who brought them before my court," he said.

Later on, the article says that neighbors turned them in. Why can’t people stay out of the relationships of others?

"During the trial, the two denied the charges, but later revealed they have been in love for the past 16 years."

Information gathered last week indicates the incest began after the man's wife died.

The daughter - who was 16 years old at the time - later gave birth to a son who is now 15 years old.

The age of consent in Zimbabwe, at least for heterosexual or lesbian sex, is 16. This is not a matter of rape, cheating, or pedophilia. This is a lasting relationship.

Chief Nyamweda said the man's fine would be used to appease "the spirit mediums of the land".

Really?!? Did they say they were upset? I guess we should be happy the lovers aren't being burned at the stake.

There was no indication that the daughter was anything but a happy, willing participant. There is no indication that their son has suffered (although he'll suffer now, thanks to bigotry), and I would think the police and the news would have noted those things. So what we appear to have here is a family being broken up and punished for no good reason. Zimbabwe, just like the rest of the world, needs full marriage equality so that an adult can share love, sex, residence, hand-holding, and marriage with any consenting adults.

Explaining Polyamory

GypsyDiver has a helpful write-up about coming out as poly to someone you like, “Telling Someone You Like You're Polyamorous: The Do's and Don'ts.”

The intro can apply to other “prohibited” relationships as well…

It's always hard to tell someone about your non-monogamous relationship. People have very strong opinions on the issue, and you always run the risk of someone you never expected telling you it's wrong.

If the person you’re talking with reacts with condemnation or disgust, then you’ll need to switch from hoping for mutual interest or attraction to damage control. Appeal to their sense of fairness and assure them that you are a responsible person who has thought through this.

Or maybe you're afraid they'll stereotype you before you get a chance to explain.

Stereotypes persist. The only thing anyone can know about someone else’s relationship is…

...If it is same-sex, that the lovers are same-sex.

...If it is polyamorous, that at least three people are involved.

...If it consanguinamorous, that they are close relatives.

No other dynamic or trait should be assumed.

Here are some of the tips. Read them all here.

Do: Tell the person you're interested in early on. Try to drop it in casual conversation: "My husband and my girlfriend and I all saw that movie together, we really loved it." The earlier in the night you tell them about it, the longer you'll have to talk about it.

There is something to be said for simply being yourself, as in not hiding or avoiding something, rather than making some sort of formal announcement. Just about everyone, upon hearing something like the above, will note that something is “different,” provided they are getting the actual meaning of the world “girlfriend.” The person may get quiet as they process the information, or express confusion, or ask a question, which allows for reasonable discussion. It is much less likely the person will throw up their hands and call you sick.

Do: Answer any questions they might have! This is probably new to them, and even if it isn't, they might ask you questions about your relationship or partners. Questions are a good thing; at least they're not judging you.

Don't: Roll your eyes at questions you've probably heard a thousand times. No, it's not cheating; no, it's not polygamy; no, I don't sleep with animals. Just grin and bear it.

Being patient and gracious and gentle can do wonders not only for getting others to be understanding of your needs or relationship, but of polyamory in general and other relationships that are subject to discrimination.

I'm Toying With the Blog's Look and Layout

Please do not adjust your screen. I'm toying with the blog's look and layout. The background is generic right now; perhaps something more specific and customized will be coming soon.

Adult Cousins Jailed in Zimbabwe

Can you believe this?

A 39-year-old man and his 23-year-old cousin were on Tuesday thrown into jail for incest. Newman Moyo and Progress Mlalazi of Qhubekani Village in Filabusi pleaded guilty to charges of having sexual intercourse within a prohibited degree of relationship or incest when they appeared before Filabusi resident magistrate Shillah Nazombe.

First cousins, usually heterosexual couples, have the freedom to marry in much of the world, including some states in the US. It is quite common in some cultures. This is so absurd that these two are being prosecuted.

The magistrate convicted them before sentencing Moyo, who is married, to 12 months in jail. Four months were suspended for five years on condition of good behaviour.

Assuming Moyo was cheating rather than in an open or polyamorous or dead marriage, it still shouldn't be a criminal matter.

Mlalazi was given an eight- month jail term of which two months were suspended for five years. The remaining six months were suspended on condition she performs 210 hours of community service at Sidzibe Clinic.

Did Moyo's spouse turn them in? We don't know for sure. We only know this...

On August 7, Moyo and Mlalazi’s grandfather, Sunboy Moyo suspected that Progress was pregnant. He interrogated her and she revealed that she had been impregnated by Moyo.

I don't know why this is a criminal matter.

An Ally Makes a Case for Solidarity

Cory Brunson wrote about "Freethought and Polyamory on Campus."

In celebration and encouragement, i’d like to use my little podium to call on campus freethinkers to reach out to polyamorists both (a) as natural allies and (b) for critical engagement.

Here i want to plug a lot of other people’s ideas and point readers in lots of helpful directions, so i hope you’ll pardon the excessive link/text ratio. Other excellent websites are devoted to the issues — familiar and peculiar — facing polyamorists in various relationship configurations. I’m not a spokesperson for the movement and my experiences and opinions are precisely that. I should also emphasize that i see room only for us to step up outreach to women, people of color, queer and transpeople, and other marginalized demographics. I see confluence here, not competition.

He makes a sensible call to solidarity between polyamorous people and others who are discriminated against, noting that poly people tend to be open to solidarity.

Samoa Prosecuting Adults For Consensual Sex

What century is this this again? From Samoa...

A woman accused of having sex with her father has entered a guilty plea to incest in the Supreme Court.

Chief Justice Patu Tiavae’su’e Falefatu Sapolu presided over the hearing on Monday.

That judge has to feel at least a little ridiculous presiding over a criminal trial about consensual sex.

The defendant, in her 30’s, appeared for mention where she pleaded guilty.

Incest carries a maximum jail term of seven years.

The woman and her father are both charged with incest.

While the daughter has already pleaded guilty, the father continues to deny the charges.

Seven years for consensual sex? This woman is certainly old enough to choose to have sex. Who is the victim???

The laws need to be changed so that an adult is free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with ANY consenting adults.

Woman Arrested on Incest Charges in State of Washington

There are several news outlets reporting, but not much information.

A 36 year old Kennewick woman has been arrested for having sexual relations with her 16 year old biological son

Blanca Negrete was arrested following the investigation of recorded phone conversations of a sexual nature between her and her son while he was in the Benton-Franklin Juvenile Center. The investigation then revealed that Negrete and her son had been engaged in sexual activity since November of 2010.

The victim has since been released from juvenile detention and the suspect, Negrete is now being held at the Benton County Jail for incest, and communication with a minor for immoral purposes.

Notice that the charge is incest, rather than statutory rape. No information is given as to why the son was in a detention facility.

From another report…

While the victim was incarcerated at the Benton Franklin Juvenile Justice Detention Facility, recorded phone conversations between the victim and his mom* were of a sexual nature.

So if they hadn’t said anything during the phone calls, she may have escaped prosecution.

Another report…

A 36-year-old Kennewick woman is accused of sexually assaulting a teen boy from Connell since November.

Blanca Ester Negrete was arrested Tuesday by Kennewick police and booked into the Benton County jail on suspicion of communicating with a minor for immoral purposes and sexual assault.

I’m not sure why the reports stress that she is the biological mother; perhaps to make it clear that she’s not a stepmother or adoptive mother. No information is given to indicate she has been out of his life long enough for this to be a case of Genetic Sexual Attraction. Some state incest laws treat step or adoptive relationships the same as biological relationships when it comes to making incest a crime. From what is said about the phone conversations, it sounds like this was not a matter of forcible assault, but then a dependent minor child can be coerced through other means than physical force.

The focus of this blog has always been consensual relationships between adults. The age of consent in the state of Washington is 16, but with conditions. If someone is having sex with a 16 or 17-year-old, they can be no older than 60 months older than the younger person; she has violated this, if in fact they have had sex. They can’t be in a “significant relationship as defined” (my guess is that this was violated). Foster parents are also not allowed to have sex with their 16 or 17-year-old foster children, and school teachers and administration employees can’t have sex with their 16 or 17-year-old students. (So, if you’re 21, it is okay to have sex with a 16-year-old as long as you’re a complete stranger, but not if you’re, say, the aunt. That makes sense, right?)

It looks to me like she could be charged with statutory rape, and as I’ve said before, I would support enhancing such charges if they involve a guardian. Why have a separate law for incest that also criminalizes consensual sex between minors and between adults? The law should be there to discourage and provide restitution for, and protection from, things like sexual harassment, molestation, and assault, not to interfere with consensual sex, especially not in an inconsistent way.

Another Great Explanation and Defense of Polyamory

Here’s another introduction to polyamory, with common questions answered. If you read this blog regularly, you know a lot of this stuff already. But links like this one can be helpful in explaining polyamory to others.

Polyamory literally means "many loves", from the Greek word "poly" (many) and the Latin word "amore" (love). So, a polyamorous relationship is theoretically a romantic (and perhaps sexual) relationship in which there are more than two parties involved and all parties know of each other and consent to this kind of relationship. It is based on romantic love, where sexual activity may or may not be included. It is based on complete and utter honesty and freely flowing communication, and is, in essence, just like any other relationship, except more people are involved.

That’s a pretty good basic overview.

If you truly love someone, you don't want or need anyone else, so going to someone else for sex or love is wrong and it means you don't really love who you're with anymore.

I really love this statement because this is one of the most important obstacles you need to get through to understand polyamory. There are several models of love out there, but I'm going to discuss the two that the statement above points to. The first is the "starvation model", which says that once you love someone, in order to love someone else, you have to retract the love you have from the first person and place it to the second person. It's basically saying that love is an object or like money, because once you give this object or the money to someone, you have less (or none) to give to everyone else.

And this is just not true. Love is not money, love is not an object. Think of it this way. Do you only have one single friend that you love, or do you have more than one that you love differently, but still truly love? Do you only love one of your children with all of your heart, and leave your other one without affection, because you cannot possibly love both at the same time?

Very well said.

The second model is the "scarcity model" which says that once we fall in love with another person, the switch is turned off and we just physically cannot feel any other type of romantic emotion for anyone else until our emotions for the first person disintegrate. And that's just not true. Our emotions don't work as switches, they are more like a spectrum.

Well, you're just being selfish, because you're not choosing and you want them all and you just can't have your cake and eat it too.

How is giving your love and allowing your partner to love other people selfish? If anything, it is the least selfish kind of relationship.

There are selfish people in monogamous relationships and selfish people in polyamorous relationships, but polyamory is not selfish. Monogamy is great for those who need and want monogamy, and it isn't selfish either. What is selfish is to put yourself into a relationship in which you know you will not function well. For some, that is promising to be monogamous. For others, it is going along with polyamory even though you really need monogamy. (And some people are not in a condition to be in any relationship at all.)

One Way to Help Things Change

One way to help bring about full marriage equality and related rights is through involvement and organization. Sex Positive St. Louis is an example. It started a little over a year ago.

Chris and his wife have lived in Maryland Heights for the past six years—they moved to the suburb the same month they wed.

He and his wife have been polyamorous for three years.

Chris met Holliday through a mutual friend about a year and a year-and-a-half ago, he said. He got involved with the group by going to Sex Positive’s happy hours. Sex Positive lets people explore their sexuality, he said. The people involved with Sex Positive don’t pass judgment, and Chris has made a lot of good friends in the group.

But despite that positive attitude within Sex Positive, some suburbanites are hesitant to join the lifestyle.

Socializing assists organization. If nothing else, it provides emotional support. Involvement can be tricky due to ongoing discrimination, which is one big reason some people have those hesitations.

Sex Positive uses new media to reach out to St. Louis. It has a Facebook page and Twitter account. Holliday said the group's Facebook page has been invaluable for posting events.

Once the events are posted, they leak around the Internet, she said.

Sex Positive also has a traditional website. The website is updated regularly and includes interviews, event updates and blog-type posts.

Holliday said the best way to get involved with Sex Positive is to look at the calendar and attend events.

She suggests those interested show up ready to have their lives changed.

One need not be polyamorous to support the rights of poly people, of course, and even if someone doesn’t want to engage in polyamory, it might be enlightening to meet up with those who are, in a setting in which they aren’t hiding the fact that they are. Polyamorous people also tend to be supportive of other adults in “forbidden” relationships or facing difficulties due to sexual orientation.

Update on Dubai Uncle-Niece Case

There’s been an update to a case out of Dubai that is either consensual consanguineous sex or rape, depending on whose account you believe. Earlier, the uncle in the case denied not only rape, but physical contact with his adult niece. The niece claimed she was raped. They were both charged with incest.

Dubai's highest court Monday upheld a lower court's ruling that a 23-year-old Emirati woman had consensual sex with her uncle, causing her to become pregnant.

The Dubai Cassation Court confirmed a three-month sentence imposed on the woman, A.A., after her appeal was rejected.

She should not have been charged with a crime at all, unless there was proof she filed a false rape claim. If this was consensual sex, it should not be a crime.

The Dubai Appeal Court in June sentenced the woman's 26-year-old Emirati uncle, a policeman, to one year in prison for having consensual sex with A.A.

If it was not rape, then he shouldn’t have been prosecuted.

The judge said the Cassation Court only looks into the legalities of the appellate verdict and not the crime itself.

Here’s how another news source covered this case…

Court records said that in February 2010, KS took his niece from her work place at the Burj Khalifa, drove to a remote area in Al Warqaa, then had unprotected sex with her in the car.

AA, who said she was threatened by her uncle, discovered she was pregnant the month after the incident and called KS for help. She told prosecutors he promised to help her abort the pregnancy, but stopped answering her calls.

AA said she told her aunt, the suspect’s sister, who informed AA’s separated parents, records show.

Her father, AS, insisted on reporting the incident and took his daughter to Al Qusais police station in September 2010, when AA was seven months pregnant.

AA told prosecutors her uncle used to pick her up from work and take her to the deserted area to teach her how to drive.

I’m not too clear on what the official law is in regards to gender equality and rape in Dubai, nor the reality of how the culture actually functions, law or not. So I don’t have any idea if this was a consensual sexual relationship and she felt pressure to claim rape, or if this really was a rape, or what. Part of the problem with criminalizing consensual incest as a "sex crime" is that it trivializes the severity of real crimes such as assault, rape, and child molestation. It also gives someone facing criminal prosecution an incentive to claim they were forced into the "crime." Rape and assault are very serious violations of another person, and those who perpetrate such crimes should be dealt with severely. It is an insult to in any way equate consensual sex with rape. Part of the solution is dropping laws against consensual incest. This would help those who have been raped by close relatives from falling under suspicion of having violated the law themselves.

The Love That Does Not Get Equal Time

Consensual incest, or what I refer to as consanguineous sex or consanguinamory, is underrepresented in major media, and when it is depicted, it is usually in a negative sense. I understand the father-daughter villains in the new "Conan the Barbarian" are presented as incestuous in a way to further their negative portrayal. (If you've seen it, please offer your thoughts.)

But when we get beyond the major media, what do we find? What do we find with user-driven content? A high percentages of searches online involve "incest." One of the most popular series of adult films has been the "Taboo" series, and at websites that feature written erotica, the most, or one of the most popular categories by authors and readers are the incest categories. There are ongoing, popular discussion forums on the subject.

Search question-and-answer sites such as Answerbag, Topix, Yahoo Answers, and GirlsAskGuys, and you'll find no small amount of interest, nor a small amount of claimed participation. Even if some claims are mere fantasy, the indication is that, as formal studies indicate, consanguineous experimentation and consanguinamory are not rare things, and there are many more people who are curious about it.

From the classic mythology of the past to fan fiction today, consanguinamory is something in which there is a high level of interest. There should be more and more positive depictions of consanguinamorous people in the major media.

It Is Simple

There are two main things that should determine what kind of personal relationship you'll enter into:

1. What you have to offer

2. Your needs and goals

Nobody else should interfere through law or bullying or discrimination.

That is why this blog argues against laws that criminalize or discriminate against consensual relationships between adults.

For some people, it is a same-sex monogamous marriage. For others, it is a triad marriage consisting of two men and a woman. Some people have found that the love of their life if a long-lost parent or sibling.

We all have our own personalities, our own capabilities, or own desires, our own life paths. I have seem people loudly announce their disgust at the abstract idea of actual relationships I have personally seen to be profoundly loving and beautiful. Someone else's love may seem strange to you, but you don't have to want something for yourself to understand that it is what someone else wants and needs. This is why, instead of arguing over arbitrary details, adults should be free to pursue love, sex, residence, and marriage with any consenting adults. Same-sex marriage should not be banned. Polyamorous homes should not be banned. Polygamous marriages should not be banned. Consanguineous relationships or marriages should not be banned. Let people have their love.